Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri AAR: Join the OO faction!

[JonathanStrange]

Heh. Best AAR in a VERY long time. Between dbt'd goats and "the pustulous johnathanstrange" and the fact that, though Elisha isn't winning in terms of pop or tech, she ownz the hotness category, we've got some quality Overlord material being generated here.

We ARE allowed to call johnathanstrange "pustulous" outside of this thread right?

When I said I wanted to be somebody in Alpha Centauri, I should've been more specific.

Other than one or two questionable adjectives, I love the AAR. It does make one want to look up that old Alpha Centauri game and install it once more. Great reading and great memories.

[caesarbear]

I look up to Hipolito and our queen Elisha.

[Hipolito]

Sorry for taking so long to update. But I have good news: there's a healthy, great-tasting new way to start your day:




Earth and the Big "O"

Fifty years had passed since Planetfall, yet there had been no contact with the other factions. Elisha wondered whether her rivals had already found and traded technology with each other. If they had, she would be easily lapped in the tech race.

With only six technological advances under her studded leather belt, she felt desperate to find the others. She consulted an alien data merchant known to frequent the Alpha Centauri system, but his price was unreasonable:



Her best hope was to find a Unity pod containing the commlink frequency for one of the other faction leaders.

In Mission Year 2150, our captive natives--Qantaga, baby ChrisGwinn, Varity and the supple JonathanStrange--were all playing in xenofungus. Koz Frontier Colony's transport foil deposited a colony pod on the newly discovered landmass to the east, which Daehawk was already exploring.

The empty foil then headed back west to investigate the Unity pods it had avoided earlier. The first pod it recovered was a sea farming pod that made kelp. We didn't get the commlink frequency we were hoping for, but hey, kelp is good, too.

In 2151, Brettmcd became the first to set up tiki hut in the Monsoon Jungle. As our Networking Octopus for Online Bases, Brettmcd was responsible for building an affordable and easy-to-use communication system from our Information Networks technology. Inserting his ubiquitous CD-ROMs into every computer he could find, he established, for just $24.95 per month, the Planetary Online Service.




dbt1949 rush-built his Recycling Tanks as the transport foil picked up another Unity pod that turned out to be ... another sea farming pod.



On the eastern landmass, though, Daehawk uncovered a much more interesting find: a Battle Ogre Mk I! I'm never sure what to do with these guys. They seem powerful, but are easily lost since they can't be repaired. Elisha had an immediate use for it, though. She ordered the transport foil to pick it up and deposit it at dbt1949 for police duty. She gave it a name, too: Mecha-Crux.

In 2153, Seppe became the first to build a base on the eastern landmass.

Our scientists narrowed their research priorities to Build and Discover to increase their chance of discovering Industrial Automation, which would enable us to build supply crawlers and the Planetary Transit System.

In 2154, baby ChrisGwinn uncovered an alien spore launcher in the xenofungus. He crawled back to the safety of the sweet-smelling JonathanStrange, who decided to let Qantaga fight the alien. Qantaga was a spore launcher himself, so fighting other spore launchers was one of the few opportunities he had to grow stronger. He had a long way north to go, though, before he'd reach the alien. And before he even got close, the alien touched a monolith and became huge! That was the first time I'd ever seen a computer-run unit do that. Qantaga, still a mere Hatchling, no longer had a good chance of beating the alien, so the pulchritudinous JonathanStrange went ahead and killed it.

In 2156, Daehawk confirmed an awesome discovery out east: the Uranium Flats! We've been winning the lottery with these landmarks. Seppe will send a colony pod to take the Uranium Flats as soon as he can.

In 2157, Mecha-Crux arrived at dbt1949. Cowed by the sheer size of the mechanical monster, dbt1949 allowed it to police his base.



In 2158, we discovered Social Psych. Yawn. We really needed to pick up the research pace, so Hrdina began work on our first Network Node. Out east, Daehawk mishandled a Unity pod, triggering a xenofungal bloom that ruined part of the Uranium Flats. Aw, Daehawk! You were doing so well.



Baby ChrisGwinn found a mind worm and killed it all by himself. Shaking his rattle in victory, he grew to Larval Mass size.

In 2159, dbt1949 completed our first prototype: the docDinghy (Foil, 1-2-1). Officially, its purpose was to protect the transport foil. But it had a darker agenda: to find and capture an Isle of the Deep, one of the best units in the game.

In 2160, drone riots erupted at our headquarters in Smoove Boutique. Queen Elisha grew weary of watching the drones line up for miles demanding refunds on their lycra pantyhose. She retreated to her war room and summoned her assistant, setaside, for a briefing on another matter:










Will the Queen fulfill her promise of avenging her homeworld? Find out next time on ... the Internet!

[Smoove_B]

[Kelric]

Mmm.... Elisha.

[Grievous Angel]

I think I hurt something trying to not bust out laughing in the middle of the office. That was maybe the best edition yet.

[Kelric]

I think I hurt something trying to not bust out laughing in the middle of the office. That was maybe the best edition yet.

The Civ Advisors were great.

[Incendiary Lemon]

Goodbye, Incendiary Lemon. You might have made our mouths pucker at times, but we'll miss you. Your remains have been jettisoned to the cosmos, as you would have wanted.

sniff... I've been too broken up to comment, but thank you.

[Orgull]

OMG Hippo that's hilarious! You just keep getting better and better. Thanks for the laughs.

[Hipolito]

Freckle Fantasy

Our transport foil cleaned up the Unity pods that were polluting Asharak Lagoon while the docDinghy spammed sea fungus for an Isle of the Deep. As it approached a Unity pod along the eastern shore of Orgull Island, the transport foil got caught in a tidal wave that deposited it near the western shore. Now that's one heck of a tidal wave! Unfortunately, the foil then touched a Unity pod that led to an Isle of the Deep encounter, and the docDinghy was much too far away to help. The foil was destroyed, but the docDinghy still sailed around the island in hopes of capturing the Isle of the Deep.

In 2162, Daehawk made another stunning find on the eastern landmass: he encountered a probe team from the Lord's Believers, marking our first contact with another faction! This probe team was quite likely the free one I gave to the Believers at the beginning of the game, though I didn't expect it to survive this long.

Communications between the Octopus Overlords and Lord's Believers were immediately established. The sight of Sister Miriam Godwinson on the commlink stirred feelings in Elisha she did not know she had. That red hair, that delicate skin ... those freckles! Elisha realized that OO and the LBs would have serious ideological differences, so she did her best to appeal to Miriam's sensibilities.



We gave them Industrial Base technology in exchange for Applied Physics and Information Networks for their world map. Miriam further requested Biogenetics, which the blushing Queen gladly donated. Pleased with the exchange, Miriam proposed a Treaty of Friendship; Elisha signed it and proposed taking things further to a Pact of Sisterhood. She offered money, technology, and goodwill to sweeten the deal, but the magnanimous Miriam politely refused.

Elisha was glad to finally find a friend on Planet, but disappointed that Miriam wouldn't be her Pact Sister. Then she had a chance to examine the Believer world map. OO's collective jaw dropped at the size of Miriam's empire.



Elisha's fantasy of being able to count Miriam's freckles one day vanished as she realized the threat that the Believers could pose to her minions. She commanded Daehawk to stand garrison in the Uranium Flats until an OO colony pod came by to claim it. That would prevent Miriam from doing the same.

In 2163, we received word that the Morganites had started work on the Weather Paradigm, while the Believers were nearly done with it. The Overlords had only 2 turns left to go on the Paradigm, so we paid 44 energy to rush the remainder and beat the other factions to it. Having lost the race to build the Paradigm, the Believers switched production to the Human Genome Project and completed it immediately, while the Morganites switched to Merchant Exchange production.

Meteorologists everywhere reported the effects of the Weather Paradigm:



Baby ChrisGwinn found an alien playmate in the xenofungus. He killed it and grew to Pre-Boil size. Daehawk, still squatting the Uranium Flats, witnessed a strange event. To the north was the xenofungal bloom that he had unwittingly triggered, complete with fungal tower. A Believer rover, attempting to go south to the Uranium Flats, was destroyed by the fungal tower. The xenofungal bloom was serving as a barrier against Believer incursion. Perhaps Daehawk's bungling was a blessing in disguise!

Seppe rush-built a colony pod for the Uranium Flats. He paid 56 energy, but hopefully the 7 turns he saved will make up for it in the long run.

In 2166, the same Isle of the Deep that had destroyed our transport foil dropped off two mind worms near Brettmcd. This was a dangerous development, as Brettmcd had no garrison and the nearest military units--ChrisGwinn and the tubular JonathanStrange--would not be able to reach the base in time to defend it.



To prevent his beloved Planetary Online Service from sustaining a denial-of-service attack, Brettmcd canceled production of his Recycling Tanks to rush-build a new type of defense unit: the Dr. Sugardaddy (Infantry, 1-2-1). Only 2 minerals were lost and 19 energy were spent in this hasty production shift.

One of the enemy mind worms took a scenic route to Brettmcd, allowing baby ChrisGwinn to catch up to it. He killed it, growing to Boil size. Weakened by the fight, he then retreated to the xenofungus to heal. The radially asymmetric JonathanStrange closed in on the other mind worm. He wouldn't be able to beat it to Brettmcd, but hoped he could exert a Zone of Control that would prevent a base attack.

During this excitement, the docDinghy rounded the northern point of Orgull Island in search of the troublesome Isle of the Deep. Along the way, it popped a Unity pod filled with enough materials for an instant rush-build of Brettmcd's Recycling Tanks.

Brettmcd's Dr. Sugardaddy suavely defended the base from the second mind worm, heavily damaging the attacker, but died. Brettmcd was again without garrison. The omnivorous (but likes chicken) JonathanStrange arrived to project his Zone of Control over the base. Unfortunately, the enemy mind worm was able to ignore the ZOC--perhaps the movement restrictions don't apply to base attacks--and invaded Brettmcd. A POS tech support worker was killed, forcing hapless citizens everywhere to figure out how to click on icons by themselves. Brettmcd also lost the Recycling Tanks that he had just rush-built for free. Easy come, easy d'oh!

The docDinghy avenged him, though, by finding and capturing the Isle of the Deep responsible for all this mess. Elisha's military generals named the floating mass of mind worms MASSENA (Mound of Annelids Swiftly Swimming to Eliminate Naval Adversaries).

The mind worm assault on Brettmcd triggered the first of the game's "Book of Planet" interludes. The writing in these vignettes is first-rate:



Feeling the need for a change of scenery after failing to defend Brettmcd, the autochthonous JonathanStrange hitched a ride on MASSENA to explore a landmass to the northwest that the docDinghy had discovered during its pursuit.

In 2167, we discovered Ethical Calculus, which allowed us to switch our Politics from Frontier to Democratic. Before making the change (which would perturb the Believers), we gave the technology to Miriam in exchange for Nonlinear Mathematics. Elisha again campaigned for a Pact; Miriam again declined.

The switch to Democracy made our Efficiency +2 and Growth +1, but lowered our Support to -3. The influx of Workers caused by the positive Growth will hopefully work in tandem with the Paradigm-powered Formers to increase mineral production and offset the increased support costs.

In 2171, Smoove Boutique built our first Recreational Commons, a place where dowagers could watch soap operas and eat corn nuts while waiting for their petticoat alterations. This facility eliminated the Boutique's drones, allowing all four citizens to be assigned as Workers. Now making 5 nutrients, minerals, and energy per turn, the Boutique began work on its Network Node. Meanwhile, the Formers at dbt1949, Seppe, and Koz Frontier Colony were all taking advantage of the Weather Paradigm by building thermal boreholes.

In 2172, the incarnadine JonathanStrange found that the island to the northwest was tiny but worth settling. Meanwhile, Varity killed a mind worm and became a Great Boil. He was just one growth spurt away from maximum size!

The base Enough was established in the Uranium Flats, securing the energy-rich land and reducing Miriam's grasp on the eastern continent. Daehawk headed north to see if any Believers were trying to sneak south into what was now our territory. He stopped a couple of Miriam's colony pods.




In 2173, Hrdina completed our first Network Node, while the Steve Guttenberg riots erupted at Seppe.



In 2174, Morgan completed the Merchant Exchange secret project. With Enough in the Uranium Flats, though, Elisha kind of had a Merchant Exchange of her own. Morgan then began work on the Virtual World, but Zakharov would surely beat him to it.

The enzyme-secreting JonathanStrange discovered a hermitic mind worm on the northwest island named Herman Wormrot. In no mood for monkey business, he killed it and grew to Mature Boil size.

In 2175, the alien artifact we'd been storing at Smoove Boutique made its way to the Network Node at Hrdina, giving us High Energy Chemistry technology. The base Grievous Angel was established in the Monsoon Jungle (after Brettmcd's Former cleared some rocks from the chosen location).

Meanwhile, Elisha lay on her couch, hugging to her chest an autographed copy of Miriam's new book, Worship God, Wear Sunscreen. She opened the cover to read, for the fiftieth time, the autograph:

Queen Elisha,

I despise the Octopus Overlords and will never sign a Pact with you.

I intend to build Planet Busters. Trust me on the sunscreen.

Your friend,
Sister Miriam Godwinson

This made Elisha smile and sigh wistfully, wondering about what could have been. She stared at the ceiling; all she could see was soft, pallid skin and freckles. One of her hands left the book and slowly slid down her tummy, hesitating on her belt buckle ... then Setaside walked in and broke her reverie.

"Your Thighness," said Setaside, wringing his hands, "we have a serious problem."

Elisha slowly sat up in her couch as her heart adjusted to reality. She put the book aside and asked, "What is it?"

"We are running out of names for our bases, units and landmarks. People are reading the AAR without posting to it."

"Whoa, this conversation is so meta, man."

"Totally. But what should we do?"

The Queen's command instincts took over. "Create a recruitment poster and hang it in every bunker, bathroom and Chick-fil-A out there."

"I don't think there is any Chick-fil-A on Planet."

"Aw, damn it! I was in the mood for some, too. Just put up the poster everywhere."

"Your will be done."

"And bring me more poutine. Double serving, with that special gravy."

"Gulp ..."



Apologies to an unknown artist for use of the kraken painting (link plays music).

Edited for grammar. Sorry if the images aren't loading, I hope the problem is temporary.

[Kelric]

I am still being ignored. How have I failed you my Queen?!

Edit - And you have failed me! The pictures do not show.

[nymanium]

Great AAR, feel free to use my name. Also I enjoyed the Robert Jordan style interlude.

[Lordnine]

I pledge my services to the faction.

[TheMix]

Sign me up. (Do you believe today is the first time I saw this thread...?)

[Zinfan]

Wow there are just too many funny things to comment on! I did love the Star Control 2 interlude. If you need more fodder for the grist mill you can use my handle.

[Huw the Poo]

Heh, this is amazing stuff! I've only just seen this thread too, but put me in if you like.

[Arnir]

My Queen! I still yearn to serve!

[Orgull]

Ha ha ha! That's my favorite one yet, good work Hipo.

[Lassr]

reporting for duty.
Good job Hipolito!
Maybe this assignment will go better than my last one as an X-Com agent.

[docD]

Yahoo! I haven't died yet! The docDingy rules!

Your Highness, do not be troubled with the lack of overlords coming to join your cause, I humbly offer you the use of my name a second time! Such is my loyalty to you.

Now back to the oars, I will capture more Isle's of the deep for the Overlords!

[Grievous Angel]

In every other AAR I've signed up for, I've been an X-Com soldier who gets whacked ingloriously or an astronaut who never gets off the ground. But now, I'm a freaking BASE, baby! Granted, a frontier base in a monsoon forest, but that's still pretty damn spiffy.

Great work as always, hip.

[Hrdina]

In every other AAR I've signed up for, I've been an X-Com soldier who gets whacked ingloriously or an astronaut who never gets off the ground. But now, I'm a freaking BASE, baby! Granted, a frontier base in a monsoon forest, but that's still pretty damn spiffy.

Great work as always, hip.

Yeah, usually I've become Chrysalis fodder by this point in an X-Com AAR, but here I've built a network node. Awesome.

[Daehawk]

Same here. This is the greatest AAR Ive ever been in! Im usually dead before the transport touches down in my X-Com roles.

When i saw I was a scout I felt Id be dead by year 50 . Glad to see Im still around and helping out so well.

I tried this game 2 or 3 times but never could get into it. I guess it would help if I had a manual but its the jewelcase type. If it actually played like this AAR Im sure Id have much more fun

Cant wait to see what I do next!

[Nightwish]

signed.
this thread was the one that made me join the forums,after all.

[theohall]

Friggin' awesome! How about tuggin' Miriam's braid and opening Theo's Hall in her territory.

[Godzilla Blitz]

Add my name to the list if you need more fodder.

I too just found this thread. Good humor!

[Lowkey]

This is awesome! I loved the Jordan interlude.

[Massena]

wehunger wefeed wedesire tentaclequeenbeing strangecreatures cometoplanet hometoplanet comehometoplanet learntoplanet livewithplanet bewithplanet beplanet tentaclequeenbeing.

(And I'll once again add my voice to the chorus saying how awesome this aar is).

[Clanwolfer]

In!

[Hipolito]

Elisha honors The Many who answered the call to arms. Try not to get killed all at once, m'kay?

Miriam, Miriam, Why Ya Buggin'?

In 2176, dbt1949 reluctantly allowed Smooth Boutique's fur-lined Former to assist his own Former in making his thermal borehole. Qantaga, still a mere Hatchling (the lowest lifecycle), entered Smoove Boutique to eke out an existence as a police unit. His brother, Varity, on the other hand, linked with one of Hrdina's monoliths to become a Demon Boil (the highest lifecycle). Strange how their destinies went in separate directions, simply because one was a spore launcher and the other a mind worm.

It was apparent that Sister Miriam was itching for a war to punish us for our Democratic Politics. Elisha therefore put a three-point plan into action. First, she gifted the quarrelsome Miriam with some energy, hoping to buy us some time. Second, to protect her most vulnerable base, she changed Enough's building order from a Former to an upgraded (1-3-1) version of the Dr. Sugardaddy defense love machine. Third, she divided her empire into two functional halves: the western bases (Grievous Angel, Brettmcd, and Hrdina) would continue to expand Elisha's territory, while the eastern bases (Koz Frontier Colony, Smoove Boutique, dbt1949, Seppe and Enough) would raise a military to contain the Believers.



MASSENA floated southeast to help move troops from the Containment bases to Miriam's continent, which shall henceforth be known as Frecklandia. Koz Frontier Colony and dbt1949 began work on the new military unit that would be used to intimidate the Believers: the Thunderspark (Infantry, 4-3-1).

Elisha's gifts of energy rose Miriam's disposition from Quarrelsome to Obstinate. Miriam asked for High Energy Chemistry, but there was no way we were going to give her the ability to build nerve pods.

The docDinghy docked at KFC to do police duty there, as a drone would form there in the next turn. But the drone riots happened anyway. Perhaps chucking coconuts from an inflatable raft was not enough to inspire order. But why not? Can naval units not do police work? I see that docDinghy's attack rating is in parentheses; I don't know what that signifies, but perhaps it means he can't be a cop. The docDinghy's oarsman shrugged and paddled away to reconnoiter the western shore of Frecklandia.

In 2178, Colonel Santiago of the Spartan Federation began work on the Command Nexus. If she succeeds, this game will become much harder. Her military already has an inherent +2 Morale; add another +2 from the Command Nexus and you've got un tamale muy fuerte.

Our researchers discovered Planetary Networks. We switched our Economics from Simple to Planned, which lowered our Efficiency to zero but raised Growth to +3 and Industry to +1.

We're long overdue for a general status f'update, so here's the situation at the top of turn 79:



Our Planned Democracy is making 8 energy per turn and a technological breakthrough every 15 turns (with energy divided 50-50 between Economy and Labs). It's disconcerting that Miriam has gone from last place to tying with Elisha for third.

Enough was getting nervous about the Believer infantry loitering just outside his base. The Believer was a mere Green 1-1-1 scout, but that would be more than necessary to take an undefended base. So Enough rush-built his Dr. Sugardaddy for 34 energy. Meanwhile, Varity bounded east through the Jeansberg Oozeway to be picked up at dbt1949.

In 2180, KFC's citizens began abandoning the base due to a nutrient shortfall. This is surprising. What could be more nutritious than a bucket of fried mind w--I mean, chicken?

A seething Miriam extorted 50 energy from Elisha. Interestingly, she no longer demanded to have High Energy Chemistry. One wonders whether her Probe Team had already stolen it from us. We would find out soon, as Hrdina began training a Probe Team of our own.

MASSENA, now carrying baby ChrisGwinn and the carbon-based JonathanStrange, ran into a wild Isle of the Deep. Chanting hypnotic mantras about the Queen, he tamed it and named it caesarbear. As an unexpected bonus, caesarbear was carrying a little mind worm duck that had always traveled on top of him. The two enjoyed a symbiotic relationship: caesarbear kept the duck in safe waters, while the duck, through his quacking, taught caesarbear about Fourier transforms, transaeonic metacosmology. and other mysteries of the universe. The mind worm duck's name was nymanium.

In 2181, Brettmcd experienced drone riots when POS amended its Terms of Service to ban the word "the" (since "the" could be used to introduce indecent references to the human anatomy). Fortunately, he would lose the drone to the sea colony pod he was building before the next population growth.

Perhaps overcome by the love waves emanating from the Dr. Sugardaddy, the Believer scout moved away from Enough. Daehawk maintained his border patrol, which would prevent the scout from leaving OO territory but also prevent others from entering.

The thermal boreholes at KFC and dbt were completed, raising temperatures at those bases but not yet causing eco-damage (perhaps because of our +2 Planet rating). The citizens at KFC were upset that a forest was cut down to make room for the borehole; Mr. Terraformer couldn't be happier.



dbt1949 rushed his Thunderspark so that it would be ready for pickup by one of our Isles of the Deep.

In 2182, Miriam built a new base named "Revelation Base" northeast of Enough, reducing OO territory. Daehawk found that the soil under him suddenly belonged to Miriam. Not wanting to to cause a diplomatic incident, he tried to head south back into OO territory. However, he was pinned by the Zones of Control of the Believer scout and a Believer rover. Fortunately, the problem resolved itself when the silly Believer rover attacked the fungal tower, blowing up in the process. Daehawk was then free to drive south into OO land, where he resumed his border guard duty.

In 2183, a wild Sealurk swam right up to dbt and tried to mate the deer with the goats. Varity prevented this experiment from taking place and killed the Sealurk, but sustained wounds over 90% of his body. He therefore had to be placed on the injured list and would not be able to join the Containment forces just yet. Mecha-Crux and the Thunderspark climbed aboard caesarbear in his stead. Nymanium was left at dbt, though he quacked unhappily at being separated from caesarbear.

In 2184, we learned that Chairman Yang of the Human Hive had started building the Command Nexus. I would rather he get it instead of Santiago. One year later, the University completed the Virtual World. This bad news was immediately followed by great news: for the next 20 years, sunspot activity would interfere with communications, which may prevent factions from learning about each other's atrocities. You know what that means:




I'll bring the nerve pods if you bring the nerve staplers ... but who's bringing the eggs and lettuce? Find out next time.

[Orgull]

OUTSTANDING! I am in awe of you Hipolito. That's the best one yet. Thanks for the incredible gaming goodness.

[theohall]

OUTSTANDING! I am in awe of you Hipolito. That's the best one yet. Thanks for the incredible gaming goodness.

Orgull his outta here. He's using banned words.

[Gryndyl]

Just found the thread. Seems there's no shortage of recruits at the moment but should it get so far you can add me to the list

[TheMix]

Huh?... I'm sorry... Can't seem to get past image... I hope the rest of the report went well...

[Daehawk]

Thats a nice boobie. I could entertain myself with it for hours on end.

Hey Im still alive even with freckles trying to get me. Woooo, Always glad to see I made an appearance.

[Eel Snave]

I'm duly impressed! Great work!

Fozzie singing "Candle In The Wind" makes me laugh.

[Thunderspark]

Koz Frontier Colony and dbt1949 began work on the new military unit that would be used to intimidate the Believers: the Thunderspark (Infantry, 4-3-1).

Yeah!!! Time to kick some butt!!!

[Hipolito]

I regret to inform you that I will no longer be able to update this AAR, as the Entertainment Software Ratings Board has recalled all copies of SMAC. It seems Firaxis had left in some content that wouldn't pass muster for an "Everyone" rating:



(I've been a bit busty, I mean busy, lately. Expect a full, rip-roaring entry next week!)

[Orgull]

Ha ha ha! Hipolito strikes again. Take your time, we will wait patiently, knowing that anything coming from queen Elisha will be good.

[Hipolito]

Elisha Unleashes her Double D's

The first of our Containment forces made a beachhead on Frecklandia when MASSENA dropped off baby ChrisGwinn and the courteous, kind and forgiving JonathanStrange at the fungal tower choke point north of Enough. Caesarbear followed by dropping off Mecha-Crux and a Thunderspark infantry unit. Although the landing point was in Believer territory, the xenofungus kept the troops hidden from sight.

To complete Thundersparks faster, we forced dbt1949 to sustain a nutrient shortfall in exchange for higher mineral production. This would be just one of many sacrifices we'd be making in long-term growth for the purpose of short-term gain. Building a military is just about the most inefficient thing one can do in this game. Bases and facilities will at least provide returns during their existence. Military action eats up Support and causes drone riots, and the effort could be wasted if one loses the troops in battle or fails to deploy them altogether. Still, if we defeat Miriam, the payout would beat any facility we could build: we'd have one less rival, a large, lush continent to ourselves, Mount Planet, and the Human Genome Project.

Nymanium waddled into dbt1949 to begin work as a police duck. The docDinghy, still mapping out the western shore of Frecklandia, popped a Unity pod that rushed Grievous Angel's Recreational Commons. Sister Miriam was in first place overall, followed by Santiago, Zakharov, and Elisha.

In 2187, Lordnine Castle was built in the Monsoon Jungle. Nearly every square of the Monsoon Jungle was now in OO territory. Lordnine, a very old vampire, was a veteran of every war fought on Earth. He looked forward to a peaceful retirement on Planet where he could plant rutabagas and sip Country Time lemonade.

In 2189, Smoove Boutique built our first Children's Creche, where harried couples could drop off their kids on their way to die for the Queen in battle. You'd think it would be difficult to handle all those unruly brats. Well, it's not, thanks to ...



Koz Frontier Colony rush-built a new prototype: the DD (Speeder, 4x-1-2, Nerve Gas Pods). On its rover chassis, the DD could roll right up to an enemy base and attack it in one turn--or, better yet, attack adjacent enemies twice. Its Particle Impactor could be enhanced with nerve gas for greater firepower and massive civilian casualties. (That would be an atrocity, but with the commlinks down, it'll be our little secret!) The unit was named after its designer, who had left his fellow Octopus Overlords on Earth to secretly work for Elisha as a chemical warfare consultant. The pay was good, if not the smell. DD was also the name of the nerve gas he used: it stood for Death Squared!

In 2190, the star Alpha Centauri B approached perihelion, which would dramatically increase native life activity for 20 years. For most factions, this would be bad news; for us, however, the more mind worms, the better.

The Former at Koz built our first Condenser to increase nutrient output, but we still ran the base in Hunger state to get our Recreational Commons built quicker. The grunts can eat all the moon pies they want once that's done.

In 2191, Elisha finally remembered that with the commlinks down, she could nerve staple her subjects without the other faction leaders finding out. So she merrily stapled the drones at Brettmcd, dbt1949 and Seppe. We would now enjoy a few years of maximum production without social unrest, thanks to...



The docDinghy, wandering away a bit from Frecklandia, opened two Unity pods that contained Colonel Santiago's and Brother Lal's commlink frequencies. Due to sunspot activity, we wouldn't be able to contact them just yet. Still, that's some good scavenging.

In 2192, we rushed out a prototype of our naval spy, the Nightwish (Foil, 0-1-4, Probe Team). It was built at Grievous Angel specifically to infiltrate the Datalinks at the nearby Believer base, Children of God. We discovered Polymorphic Software one year later, which is supposed to improve Probe Team morale.

Hrdina finished the Colony Pod that would ride his Transport Foil to the unclaimed northwest island. Brettmcd built our first Sea Colony Pod. Caesarbear dropped off Varity and the first DD at the fungal tower with the other Containment forces. We now had our vanguard against Believer aggression, the Octo Eight:



They began hiking northeast, using the Probe Team to bypass the fungal tower's Zone of Control, when they ran into a Pre-Boil mind worm who would become the ninth member of the Octo Eight. Going by the name Zinfan, he was an alien sommelier who sought to spread peace and joy through wine appreciation. This was a time of conflict, however, so he was pressed into the Containment forces and given the operational code name Déjà Vu.



In 2194, Brettmcd's Sea Colony Pod built our first naval base in an area rich in energy and savory kelp. Since it was located at the mouth of Asharak Lagoon, it simply adopted that name.



All nine of the Octo Eight continued toward Revelation Base. Though they were hiding in xenofungus, the free Probe Team Miriam got at the beginning of the game happened to come by and see us. It proceeded to ambush our Probe Team. Spy fights are a bit different from regular combat:



Despite Miriam's higher Probe rating, our guy won. This turned out to be the first interfactional fight on Planet, though the treaty with Miriam remained in effect since spies don't officially exist.

The Nightwish quietly rode the waves to Children of God and infiltrated Miriam's Datalinks there.



The Nightwish reported, to our surprise, that Miriam could not have stolen High Energy Chemistry from us as she didn't have it at all.

In 2196, Orgull Island was hit with disaster, tragedy, and tear-jerking drama. There was an outbreak of the Prometheus Virus at dbt1949 and Smoove Boutique:



In previous SMAC games, my Research Hospitals always prevented viral outbreaks. Here, I didn't even have the technology to build a Hospital. It's interesting that this outbreak occurred not long after nymanium, a duck, entered dbt1949. Can you say "avian flu?" Eh, we'll let it go, nymanium. Just use a hanky next time!

Three citizen icons were lost at Smoove Boutique and two at dbt1949 (equivalent to a total of 50,000 deaths). Hey, at least we won't have to build Hab Complexes for a while.

We didn't want to suffer a reputation hit by breaking the treaty with Miriam, but we needed to do something about Revelation Base. So our Probe Team used Total Thought Control to acquire it secretly at a cost of 109 energy (leaving us with 112 in reserve). Though the treaty was unaffected, this action turned out to be the first conquest on Planet. Sadly, the Probe Team didn't survive:



Now ours, the base was renamed Theo's Hall. Who the heck is Theo, you may be asking. Well, there was an actor whose career never quite recovered after his enormously successful show got discontinued on Earth. So he traveled with Elisha hoping his catchphrases would find a new audience.



The Octo Eight rolled into Theo's Hall without firing a shot (except for the DD, which destroyed the road leading to it so that Miriam's units would have a harder time taking the base back). Miriam wasn't about to sit back and let Elisha buy her empire out from under her: one year later, twelve Believer infantry (4-2-1), two speeders (4-2-2) and a 1-2-1 Synthmetal Garrison were parked outside. Holding Theo's Hall would be a tough job for the Octo Eight, so they were glad to have DD gas on their side.

But in 2198, the sunspots receded and the commlinks were back online. Now the other factions would hear about any attempt to gas the Believers. What lousy timing!

Elisha hailed Miriam. Miriam, feigning cordiality, asked for High Energy Chemistry. Rather than answering this plea, Elisha demanded that Miriam remove her proselytizers from OO territory or, at the very least, have them proselytize with their weapons holstered and their pants down. Miriam's eyes went wide and the connection was terminated. Oh, it was on!



Given that Miriam was the leader in Military by leaps and bounds, Elisha would need help in neutralizing her. She used the commlink frequencies that the docDinghy had decoded and hailed Colonel Santiago of the Spartan Federation. The two hit it off pretty well and signed a Treaty of Friendship after Elisha shared Lal's frequency.



The offer of High Energy Chemistry along with Elisha's tasteful recognition of Santiago's heritage persuaded the Spartan leader to sign a Pact of Sisterhood. Our first alliance! This meant, at long last, it was time for our pilot episode of ...



FADE IN:
INT. COLONEL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS, SPARTA COMMAND - EVENING

(ELISHA and SANTIAGO sit next to each another on SANTIGO'S bed, which is shaped like a grenade. There are weapons mounted everywhere. ELISHA and SANTIAGO are half-dressed and caressing each other, breathing deeply.)

ELISHA (rubbing Oil of Olé on SANTIAGO's body): What immature writing.

SANTIAGO (stroking ELISHA'S back with her fingernails): I know. Why can't a grown man control his fantasies?

ELISHA (sprinkling fresh rose petals on SANTIAGO'S hair): Maybe he has deeply rooted psychological issues.

SANTIAGO (serenading ELISHA by guitar): Or he's just a child in a man's body.

ELISHA (removing from the oven a cake she baked for SANTIAGO): Do you ever get the feeling all men are like that?

SANTIAGO (helping ELISHA with her taxes): Yeah. Gotta love them, though.

ELISHA: Wait. What happened to our scene?

SANTIAGO: Hipolito never could hold out for very long.

ELISHA: But I was kind of getting used to the physical stuff.

SANTIAGO: Me too! Let's start over.

(ELISHA and SANTIAGO return to their original positions on the bed.)

ELISHA: Now let's have some of that Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.

SANTIAGO: But I'm Puerto Rican.

---------------------------------

We further conditioned the Pact on Santiago declaring Vendetta on Miriam. The Colonel agreed, thus commencing the Lesbian Jihad of 2198. Sparta Command was far southwest of Orgull Island and therefore unlikely to be able to contribute to the war. However, any attempts on her part to send troops our way would stifle her own development, which was a plus. Then again, those troops could be a problem if Santiago were to turn against us.

Elisha hailed Brother Lal of the Peacekeepers. Lal promised a Pact if we would declare Vendetta against CEO Morgan. Hmm, thought Elisha, I can please a dark, distinguished, older gentleman by making enemies with another dark, distinguished, older gentleman who has money. I don't think so. We gave Lal Ethical Calculus and Nonlinear Mathematics in exchange for Industrial Economics and Progenitor Psych. He asked for High Energy Chemistry in exchange for his world map, but we declined. Later, we agreed to give it in exchange for 50 energy, which boosted our energy reserves enough to rush-build a Command Center at Theo's Hall. We then put the Pact proposal back on the table (without the Vendetta attachment), but Lal was not in the mood.

Elisha examined the Social Engineering table. Switching to a Free Market Economy (now available thanks to Industrial Economics) was a tantalizing proposition at 28 net income per turn and 8-turn breakthroughs (we were currently at 8 income/turn and 13-turn breakthroughs). But the severe hits to our Police and Planet ratings would make bases unmanageable and our mind worms less effective against Miriam. So we stuck with our Planned Economy, another concession to military strength at the cost of growth.

It was time to attend to the Vendetta. To prevent Miriam from using her 25% offensive bonus, we had to put her on the defensive. The driver of our DD at Theo's Hall contemplated whether to use nerve gas and risk global alienation, or use conventional weapons and risk losing.



Though he decided to use conventional weapons, he successfully attacked twice and destroyed two Believer infantry, earning a promotion to Disciplined status. Coming up the rear, the two Thundersparks destroyed three other units. The collateral damage from these attacks destroyed the remaining 14 units, clearing the square! Losing 19 units to 3 defenders must have been a great embarrassment to Miriam. One even wonders if it shook her faith a bit.

Varity, Zinfan, ChrisGwinn and the gentle and peaceful JonathanStrange took advantage of the sudden dearth of hostiles to sneak north toward another enemy base: The Lord's Wrath. On the way, they killed three straggling Believer units. The warm and human and gentle JonathanStrange promoted to Great Boil size. Zinfan didn't participate in the fighting, but found an excellent Beaujolais to celebrate the string of victories.

In 2199, the tropical resort base Arnir Island was established northwest of Orgull Island.

In 2200, Elisha hailed Lal again. Lal repeated his Pact-for-Vendetta offer; Elisha's answer was still no. He then proposed exchanging world maps, something Elisha could agree to. Pleased by this, Lal removed the Vendetta clause from the proposed Pact, which Elisha immediately signed. And so we have another episode of...



FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM OF BEACH HOUSE AT ARNIR ISLAND - MORNING

(ELISHA and LAL lie together in bed, sleeping. Elisha awakens and turns to Lal.)

ELISHA: Pravin? Praaa-viin!

LAL (waking up): Hmm?

ELISHA: You fell asleep on me, old man!

LAL: What time is it?

ELISHA: Five after eight.

LAL: I'm missing my U.N. briefing. I have to go.

ELISHA: No way, we're not finished!



LAL: My little chapati, we mustn't continue this forbidden tryst.

ELISHA: Why not?

LAL: Santiago may find out.

ELISHA: I'm sure she knows, and I don't care.

LAL: I am much older than you. This in inappropriate.

ELISHA (coming closer to Lal, her chin resting on his beard): We're not leaving until you teach me every page of the Kama Sutra.

LAL (placing a finger on her lips): The Kama Sutra is false intimacy.

ELISHA (resting her forehead on his): Then teach me the philosophy of Tantric love.

LAL (taking her body and rolling her over on her back): There isn't time for that. We Indians have what is known as the Call Center Quickie.

---------------------------------

We added a condition to the Pact: Lal must declare Vendetta on Miriam. He agreed. Now poor, dumb Miriam has a war on three fronts!

Caesarbear found an Alien Artifact and unloaded it into dbt1949's Network Node, leading to the discovery of Industrial Automation (the technology we've been trying to get for nearly 50 years). He picked up Qantaga, who could make an effective living artillery piece against the Believers.

The thoughtful and trustful and childlike JonathanStrange destroyed the garrison at The Lord's Wrath while Varity wasted its Former, allowing the other mind worms to take the base and rename it TheMix. A flustered Miriam hailed us, offering "friendship" if Elisha would renounce her Pact with Lal or give High Energy Chemistry. Not a chance. The Vendetta continued.

In the year 2201, on the 100-year anniversary of Planetfall, setaside was wandering Elisha's penthouse suite, looking for her. He was weary from making the special gravy Elisha demanded in her poutine; it was no easy task for a eunuch. On top of that, he still had the sniffles from the Prometheus virus. But it was his nervousness that bothered him the most, as he was about to make the Queen a proposal that could lead to the restoration of his manhood and the realization of his wildest dream.

He coughed and blew his nose into a handkerchief as he wandered from room to room. "Queen Elisha?" he cried out. "Your Thighness? I have an urgent matter to--"

In walked Elisha, stark naked. Setaside quickly averted his eyes. "My Queen, forgive me! I did not know you were with consort."

"Huh?" she replied. "Oh, I was just doing Sudokus. They're addictive!" Unhurriedly, she put on a dressing gown and sat on a stool, crossing her legs. "So what's up?"

"Your Majesty," setaside began, "I know we have discussed this before and you find the subject distasteful, but I beg you to consider having a child."

Elisha rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "What makes you think I will answer differently now, setaside?"

"I realize that the poutine I make for you keeps you young indefinitely, but in these violent times, there is no guarantee that I and your other loyal minions can protect you from harm. Should something happen to you, the empire will be in shambles without an heir."

She bounced her knee as she considered the proposition. "All right," she sighed. "How does the artificial insemination process work?"

"Artificial insemination? We ... uh, don't have that level of technology yet."

"How could we not? We had it on Earth."

"Yes, but much scientific progress was lost in Planetfall, you see." He wiped his brow with his hanky. "We are still trying to fill the holes. Until then ..."

Elisha glared at him. "Are you saying I have to ..."

"I promise that he will be your most loyal and trustworthy subject, and the experience will in no way interfere with your current romantic interests. I promise utmost discretion and taste!"

"And how should I select this ... DNA donor?"

Setaside nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "My Queen, think of the one you trust the most. The one who has given you the best guidance."

She didn't answer, only continuing to glare at him.

"I humbly submit," setaside continued, his breath quickening, "that you consider the one you are most comfortable with, who has even seen you naked. A small operation is all it would take for me to--"

She got up from the stool. "Do it," she said.

"Really?"

"Yes. Tonight."

"Oh, wow! Shall I come right back here?"

"Here? There's hardly room for everyone."

"What?!"

"Have all the male servants assembled in one of the bases tonight. We'll hold a ball there to celebrate the Planetfall centennial, and I'll choose my companion from among the suitors. You're right, setaside. I must have a child to ensure the future of our faction and you, my favorite eunuch, are the only one I can trust to make the selection process smooth and painless."

"Buh ... buh ..."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. Your will be done."

Setaside shuffled out the door as Elisha pondered over her choices. She thought she heard setaside screaming and swearing in the hallway. He is dedicated, she thought. Already barking orders at the slaves to make sure this ceremony will be a success. I wonder what I should wear?


The next update will be in a couple of weeks. Don't enjoy your break too much, though; find a tuxedo, pluck your nose hairs and look your best for the Queen. You never know, you just might be the chosen one!