Fallout 2 for Dummies: A Post Nukular AAR

[Daehawk]

[Grifman]

And I'd thought I'd seen it all! ROTFALMAO! Fantastic!

[Beer Goggles]

That was great.

[Hrdina]

¡Muy bien, Carlos! Mas, por favor.

[Montag]

Me encanta la música ascensor.

[Bakhtosh]

JINX!

[Semaj]

I lost it during the level up sequence.

[A nonny mouse]

Holy Crap. That. Was. Freaking. Brilliant. When they say music makes a movie, they should show this.

When the Batman theme started playing, I was thinking "he should put some 'biff,' 'blam,' 'pow's,' in there. And then they
appeared.

Fucking awesome. That was seriously one of the most entertaining things I have watched this year.

Keep them coming, please!

A loyal fan.

Nonny

[killap]

Freaking brilliant. Loved every second of it!

[KiloOhm]

Carlos - use you're Jinx trait!

OK - JINX!

Funny stuff!

[Hipolito]

Thanks for all the comments, and sorry for the delay in updates!

Dumb Fact of the Day: The apartment building shown during the level-up sequence is where I and, unfortunately, the real-life Carlos Vargas live.

Also, during the final dialogue, there's an interesting reflection of what Carlos is saying in the lyrics of the background music. Have any Spanish speakers noticed that?

[Hipolito]

Urgent SMS to HIPHANK shareholders

It has come to our attention that the Fallout 3 Video Game has become available for purchase in toy stores everywhere. We have done everything in our power to delay the game so that it would not distract our readers. We have even attempted to install Russian spy Zara Palinova as President of the United States, but this effort may be for naught. As a result, our readership may drop by as much as 136% in the coming weeks. Nevertheless, Hipolito Hankies will continue to publish the Fallout 2 story until it is complete.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 19: Bad English

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Guardian of the Wastes, 28 October 2243, The Den:

"There nothing at Military Base. I not bother write about it.

"Bueno, we gotta go to Vault City to look for HECK. On way there, we gonna make some stops. I buy lotta thing from shops in San Francisco, like Electronic Lockpick MKII so I can open elevator door in Toxic Caves. But before we go far, we saw strange bridge.



"I know a lot about bridges. I had to paint the bridge at Arroyo many time. So believe Carlos when he say something not right here.



"With 80% Speech skill, I talk to el gringo loco at bridge. I not afraid.













"But truth is I kinda sad my English so bad it could kill people.

"We then meet someone mucho more annoy than Bridge Keeper. Who is most annoy person in world? I give hint: Who is so dumby he not even know how to die? Sí, vato, you guess right:



"It get kinda embarrassing now. What this cholo want? Did I steal his yob or somethings? Whatever. He have big gun this time, I no wanna know how, but all I need is cooking mitt to get cooking.



"Even my amigos get tired of Kaga, so they join in fight. I supposed to fight Kaga alone in honor fight, but we no have time for that.




"Finally, we beat big speech out of Kaga.















"I think I know why Kaga have big gun: he meet Louie, and Louie just drop gun and run away as soon as Kaga start talking.

"We travel north and stop at Redding. Remember, this where the octopus overlords are kidnapping peoples. They give us hard time before, but now we fuerte enough to fight them.

"As soon as we go down in mine, octopus attack us.




We kill him quick. But then we meet his amigos.



"Jinxed trait not our friend this time. I lose many turn. Gordo lose all the ammo for his new H&K G11. Sulik drop his Sledge Bellgrande in some octopus squishy and we never found it. And sometime in the fight we lost Perrocarne. That loco perro run off somewhere to fight octopus far away, and I too busy fighting to go after him. But I hear him yelping far away.

"I hear gringos say 'blessing in the skies' a lot, and I think Jinxed trait is blessing in the skies. Sulik lost Sledge Bellgrande, but he switch to .223 Pistol and he do a lot more hurt with it. I think I let him use that from now on. And Gordo change from H&K G11 to Ripper hedge trimmer, and he better at using that. He also no can shoot me in back with hedge trimmer. (I told Gordo it okay if he have to shoot me during fight, but I think he do it on purpose. Oh, that Gordo!)

"When we done with our fighting, I listen for Perrocarne but I no hear him anymore. Oh no, did octopus kill and eat him and not leave any for me? I look for Perrocarne. I find him alive, panting, standing over octopus he kill all by himself. He not even hurt! Muy bien, Perrocarne! All that fighting probably make him tough and chewy, though, so I not eat him now.

"We explore all of mine and kill all the octopus overlords. We then leave and try to tell the first person we see.



"We not get pay for cleaning mine. At least tribal gods give me 3,500 puntos de experiencia, and octopus overlords never annoy anyone again.

"We go to Toxic Caves to open elevator. I try many time to open with Electronic Lockpick MKII, but I keep fail. I no understand why, my Lockpick skill is really high. It 15%. Bueno, maybe that kinda low. I can open a chimichanga with Lockpick 15%, but maybe I gotta make skill more higher for open elevator.

"All that cleaning solución mess still there, hurting our pies with each step, so we do the conga on way out.



"Then we go to Den. I tired and wanna relax, so I took off my Power Armor Bellgrande. Gordo and Sulik keep their armors on, though. I visit my mina favorita. I say to her English thing that I practice for long time: 'When I see you smile, I can face the world.' But all she say is:



"I know I no should waste dinero like this, but I no can say no. When I see her smile, I see ray of light.

"I had good time, but it kinda weird with Gordo and Sulik standing there in their steel pantalones, and with Perrocarne watching. Next time Perrocarne come along for dinner date, he gonna be dinner."

[mipe]

I have "Fallout 3: The Movie The Video Game" but I shall stay there for you, hipolito hankies!

[Daehawk]

"All that cleaning solución mess still there, hurting our pies with each step, so we do the conga on way out.

"I had good time, but it kinda weird with Gordo and Sulik standing there in their steel pantalones, and with Perrocarne watching.

Hehee those two lines had me rolling.

[razgon]

more dammit! Best AAR evar!

[Hipolito]

Also, during the final dialogue, there's an interesting reflection of what Carlos is saying in the lyrics of the background music. Have any Spanish speakers noticed that?

For those still trying to crack this nut, at around 9:20 of the video, Carlos says to Perrocarne, "Nothing left to do but eat you now." Immediately after that, the singer sings "Como un perro." That line means "like a dog" in its context but can also be interpreted as "I eat a dog!"

[Hipolito]

Chapter 20: My Hooptie Weighs a Ton

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Shield of Hope, 11 November 2243, south of Gecko:

"It was time to go Vault City, but that pretty far from Den. I was thinking it be nice if could drive there instead of walk so my pies not hurt. There was a viejo name Smitty who had coche. Coche was broken, so no va. But I had some parts that might fit in coche to make it va again.

"Only tricky part: how to tell to Smitty all this in English? I try, but he not understand me, think I am idiota. While I thinks about this problema, I eat some dulces I found called Mentats. My grasp of the English language suddenly became firm! If you do not believe in this candy's ability to elucidate one's expressions, observe how it happened:

Mentats Demonstration

"I felt like galloping joyously through the blighted alleys and speaking sprightly to every one of the katzenjammered denizens of the Den. That experience would have to wait, though, as my companions and I had a mission.

"I parked the Chrysalis Motors Highwayman on a desert plain just east of the Den so that I could assess our inventory. With the trunk space afforded by our newly acquired vehicle, we could stow our possessions and feel less encumbered during foot travel. Our gear was so vast and sundry that I felt the need to organize it in piles on the ground before placing it in the trunk



"After this housecleaning activity, we proceeded toward Vault City. The minty fresh flavor of my Mentats was beginning to expire as we passed through Modoc, where I was overcome by a craving for Rose's exquisite omlettes. Vault City beckoned, but the siren song of those finely fried eggs was strong. Truly, would the wasteland explode if we stopped for a noontime nosher? My sly sidelong glance at Sulik was met with an equally devilish 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' countenance. With a shrug and laugh, I turned the wheel and said, 'Why the hell not, dear friend!'

'So I park coche in Modoc and go to Rose. I try ask for huevos verdes con jamón, but English not come out good no more.



'I hungry. So only thing I could do is find the pollo that make the huevos. I find the building where huevos come from. Many big rocks blocking door.




"I push rocks out of way and open door and go inside. Inside, I not find pollo. I find...



"Chupacabra! I so scare I run back to coche. Sulik shoot at chupacabra with his 223 pistola, but I not stop running. We all get in coche and drive away as fast as can.

"We get close to Vault City, but stop in Hecko first. Remember before when we in Hecko? I wanted help ghouls, even though they not nice to me. Ghouls have bad skin because reactor too hot. I wanted to turn coolant valve to make the place cooler, but reactor too hot to get near valve. Now, with steel pantalones and Rad-X medicina, it safer to go near reactor.

"I wrong about that, though. Even with steel pantalones and Rad-X, reactor hurt! But I still make it to coolant valve and turn it all the way.



"I feel pretty proud of self. Carlos Vargas, helping ghouls in need! So I go back to tell ghouls what I do, and they attack me! ¿Por qué? I trying help!



"Then I figure out why ghouls angry. Turning valve is union yob! Ghouls see me turning valve, and they think I try to take yob away from them. I am so estupido. Of all peoples, I should know better.

"We all run out of power plant while ghouls shoot at us. We try not to kill them. Perrocarne run back and forth, knocking ghouls down while we get away.

"Even outside power plant, whole town starting to find out what happen and attack us.



"If only I know English gooder, I could explain that I only try to help and not take away ghoul yob.

"Steel pantalones not protect me from reactor radiación, but they protect me from ghoul gun bullets, gracias a Dios. I keep running, saying 'Sorry, sorry, I not mean to take your yob! Disculpanme, por favor!' But they still keep shooting us. We make it back to coche barely in time.



"I drive us away from Hecko even faster than I drove from Modoc. After few minute, we catch breath and laugh. Ever since we got this coche, our adventures become loco!

"Every coche gotta have a name. Wonder what to call this one? Maybe Cristina. Mantequilla is a pretty name, too."

[Effidian]

Mentats, the smart maker!

Awesome!!!

[theohall]

It figures... Carlos driving a Chevy.



Does his ride glide like butter on toast?

(color me stupid, but what is NMA?) I got FO3 sux

[mipe]

nma = No Mutants Allowed, google that to find out teh site.

[Blackhawk]

nma = No Mutants Allowed, google that to find out teh site.

Just don't stay too long. No amount of Rad-X will help you there.

[Slsigh]

I've read this ever since i first saw it on kotaku.com and its just as good but im just pissed as you can't do a dumb run in fallout 3.

Anyways keep on posting ill be here till the end!!!

[killap]

Funny as always. Mentats video was classic!

[Hipolito]

Chapter 21: Vault City Blues

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Shield of Hope, 16 November 2243, Vault City:

"Sulik, Gordo, Perrocarne y yo finally goed to Vault City. Gordo know someone there who might know where holy 13 is. There I find the HECK I hope.



"I park Mantequilla outside gate and go in. Vault City protected by big turrets and a lotta people with guns. It like Navarro without the steel pantalones.




"It not look like nice place. Everyone with gun is mean. Everyone without gun is sad.





"Being here even make Gordo sad, but he help us find his amigo's place.



"When I try talk to Ed, he just say mean thing. Why everyone think I estupido just because English not my good?



"I ask for helps in Greeting Office. They wear blue work uniforms like my! And they a lot more nicer.



"Before go north into City, I look around. Maybe I can do something for these pobres. I see niño llorando. I ask him what happen.



"I look for Señor Nixon around courtyard. I get thirsty doing this, so I take drink from well.



"Bueno, maybe I am estupido sometimes. Good thing clinic right in front of me. I go in to see if doctor can help me feel gooder.



"Doctor hook me up to robot. It not cure my radiación, but it heal the hurting holes that the ghoul guns make in Hecko. It pretty fun, too!



"Doctor put me in robot again. ¡Uau! Robot do things even girl in Den not do for me. I feel better than ever feeled!






"This time I not like way robot touch me.





"I leave clinic and eat Rad Away medicina to take care of radiación. It work, but now I addict to Rad Away and Mentats! Hoy no es mi día. I wander around courtyard, looking for place to rest, then I found Señor Nixon.





"This make me feel a bit gooder, so I go to bar to relax and drink Nuka Inka Cola. Bar owner is viejo name Cassidy.



"After drink, I try get into Vault City, but gate was cerrado at night. So I go back to Mantequilla and sleep the night. Mañana, I try again.



"I not know what else to do but go to Customs office. Customs gonna get me deported for good, I think, but...









"And just like that, I have new yob in Vault City! That easy.

"I thought this vault could maybe be holy 13, so I excite to find HECK. But first I gotta clean the place, because that my yob. I ask girl for what do.



"So I gotta go down to Piso 3, but first I clean Pisos 1 y 2. While power washing the computadora on Piso 1, I try use my Science skill on it to learn where HECK is, but it no work.



"On Piso 2, I find vent that make a lotta noise.



"Gordo help me fix it. Someone stuck a battery in there, battery I can use for Mantequilla. Who would put it in the vent? Probably the niño with the Señor Nixon doll.

"There lotta storage area in Piso 2. Some of it locked and I no can open, but the other area have lotsa agua cheeps. Nothing but agua cheeps. The Elder told me a story about how El Vaultero spend a lotta time looking for agua cheep, but I think she just kidding. Why anyone have trouble finding, there so many cheeps here!

"On Piso 3, I find Martín. He singing old song that Elder used to sing. Make me miss her a lot.



"After listen for a while, I go up to him.



"Another computadora? I no like this idea, I no good with talkie box. But I guess I gotta try. I find the box.





"Computadora not tell me anything about HECK, and the snakes inside it hurt me muchisimo when they bite me.



"But now my PipChico has more información. It has something called 'Vault City Travel Log' which I no comprendo because it in English. Map now has more places to see: Broken Hills, Nueva Reno, República Nueva de California, y Vault 15. Vault 15?! Is that close to holy 13? I find out someday.

"I done cleaning vault, so I go out into City. It dark. I feel want to take Mentats and Rad Away, but I look for bar instead. Along way, I meet hombre name Thomas Moore. He talk about freedom.





"I find bar and try order drink.



"One of the guards heard me and make me go.



"So I go sleep night in Mantequilla again. Mañana, I try to get back into City but guards not let me in even though I have yob cleaning vault. I go to Customs Office for help, and they give me Day Pass.



"City fill with peoples who wear blue janitor uniforms like my! And City has big hardens. I hope I can get yob as hardener here.

"I ask around where to find First Citizen, but other peoples not want talk to me much. Maybe they hear what happen at Hecko (it pretty close by) and think I here to take their yob. I found one person who try help me.



"I look around Vault City more for First Citizen. I talk to peoples who not wear janitor uniforms.



"It sound loco, but it look like the janitors are the jefes in this city, and they have the most dinero. Everybody else is pobre. Maybe even slaves. Maybe City get slaves from la migra. I should listened to Señor Moore.

"I talk to one of the pobres. She was a mecánica. I wanted ask her if she could put a new horn on Mantequilla, then things got pretty weird.



"She not mean me, she mean Gordo. She was Gordo's hija, looks like. They not say anything to each other. Whatever happen between Gordo and Gordita, I not ask Gordo about it.

"I find big building that look muy importante. First Citizen gotta be here.



"I ask one guy if he is First Citizen, but we have language burier.



"I look around more and find First Citizen. She is a mujer, like the Elder.



"She have Mentats dulces in back pocket of her pantalones! My adicción for Mentats is still fuerte. I can no resist. I sneak up to her and try to take the Mentats, but she turn around and see me.







"Bueno, I got deported from another place. I not wanna be here no more anyway. I learn good lesson: janitors not make good jefes. I not belong with other blue suits. I belong where yellow 13 takes me. And, with Sulik in front seat, Gordo in back seat, and Perrocarne in my estomago, I get there in Mantequilla!"

[mipe]

Hooray! An Update!

[JonathanStrange]

The thread's got to be stickied!

[Bakhtosh]

This was too close to the bottom of the thread. We need an update!

[Hipolito]

Sorry for the delay. It's been a pretty long drive from Vault City to Broken Hills, especially with Perrocarne doing the driving.

Updates will return with more frequency after this weekend. Until then, don't swallow Rad-X with irradiated water, don't saw off the barrel of a plasma rifle, and never, ever get into an arm-wrestling match with anyone going by the name "Francis."

[Bakhtosh]

I'd also recommend against trying to make some extra money in the porn industry unless they want you to star in the film. Trust me - you don't want to be the uh...off-screen support.

[Hipolito]

I'd also recommend against trying to make some extra money in the porn industry unless they want you to star in the film. Trust me - you don't want to be the uh...off-screen support.

Might that not make the Rad-X easier to swallow, though?


Chapter 22: One Night in Broken Makes a Carlos Cornholed

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Guardian of the Wastes, 30 December 2243, Broken Hills:

"We did long time drive in desert. Had to make stop because Sulik not use baño in Vault City. Perrocarne drove Mantequilla into town name Broken Hills.



"Perrocarne bark like loco. He want to stop the coche, but he too short to put pie on brake. So coche hit guy and guy hit ground. At least coche stop. So did guy.



"I not sure what do. Maybe if I say 'lo siento' to guy, he not get me deported.



"I lift Mantequilla off guy. He get up, pull out hood ornament, give it to me, and walk away.



"After that, I walk around town and look for yob.







"I found digging yob. Not for digging treasure, though.



"I did yob. Not bad way to make a little dinero. Perrocarne helped.

"I walk around looking for more yob and saw someone that almost scare the chile outta my relleno. He was hombre muy grande, with green skin and pistola grande.



"He look exactly like the Popeyes we fight in Military Base! I wanted run away, but then I seed that he not attack. Very slow, I walk up to Popeye and try talk.



"I guess not all Popeyes wanna kill me. That nice. This guy was a cop Popeye guy. A Copeye.

"I walk around some more and see more Popeyes who not attack me. There some ghouls, too. Everyone here working, not fighting. Nice place.

"Even spore plants not attack me here! There was a spore plant and, bueno, I no sure this next part really happen. It too weird.















"I use same shovel I use for vaca yob. This the strangest hardening yob I ever has. When I done, Perrocarne try to water plant, but I no let him. Plant talk more.



"That was pretty strange talk. I think maybe it all my imaginación, or side effect of Mentat adicción. But then I meet a profesor in town. He really has pet cucaracha!










"First test was a tie. Cucaracha must have had buena suerte. Next test was test of los ojos.






"Last test was test of el flan de cabeza.



"It just like plant say! I remember to do Flying Liver Attack. I never play chess before but every tribal know the Flying Liver Attack.











"I not wanna hurt little cucaracha even though it come after me, but Perrocarne got excite and kill it. Qué pena.

"I go to la casa de los ghouls to ask Typhon about treasure that plant mention.



"So for one hour, Sulik, Gordo, Perrocarne y yo stay in room playing cards, trying not to look what Typhon was doing. It hard to play cards with all that noise. Then...



"I not have to go to Nueva Reno to get doll. Copeye had one in his casa. Doll is muy, muy bonita.



"I think maybe I keep it as a toy for Perrocarne so he not bother Gordo so much. But a yob is a yob. I give doll to Typhon.



"What to do with a few hours? I would read magazine, but the Cat's Paw was my only magazine and I not want that back no more. So we just walk around town more. We saw mine where lotta Popeyes work.



"Perrocarne think that Popeyes are green because they eat too much spinach. I think maybe they green because they got dipped in guacamole long time ago, and guacamole make them strong because it very good for you. I decide that I will ask a Popeye when trabajo is done.

"I go in mine and find sleeping hombre there. Mine not safe place for siesta, so I wake him.






"I no understand what he say, but I guess he run away because he afraid his wife beat him if he late for dinner. I clean mine for a few hours and then go back to Typhon. He make big mess of doll. Doll look like him now. I ask him to tell treasure place.



"This yob never end! I hope Typhon tell me where treasure before he die of heart attack. I go to bar and pick up his bebida.



"I go back to Typhon's. He still alive, and already looking at the Cat's Paw again. I give him bebida.



"Helping Typhon give me enough puntos de experiencia to get level. I pick Bonus HtH Attacks perk. With that and Better Criticals perk, I think I am best luchador without green skin en todo el mundo.

"But now to find treasure. I think I know where is.



"I think I know who can fit. And if he not help, I can give him to Typhon, make Typhon muy feliz.













"Bueno, with muchos caps, I can make mucho dinero if can get muchos bottles and fill them with 'cerveza.'

"This was pretty hard day of trabajo, so I go to bar and buy bebida más fuerte.



"I notice a Popeye in the bar. I goed to him to start talk, maybe can ask him why he green.












"What happen next was most scary noche de mi vida. I no can believe it happen. I no can believe peoples do this thing. And whole time, Sulik, Gordo y Perrocarne not say or do nothing, they just stand and watch!

"Is this why I am Chosen One?




"I wake up in Copeye's casa. I leave town and hope no one see me.



"I so mad at Francis. Why he do this to me? He ruin me! He make me Broken Man.

"I look at ball gag while write this. I still have it. Someday I go back to Broken Hills and show it to him, remind him what he do to me. I fight him again. If I win, I show I am más fuerte!

"If I lose, está bien."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On behalf of Hipolito Hankies, Carlos Vargas and his yule dog, Perrocarne, want to wish you a Merry Christmas!




God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
For prophets know the Chosen One
Will find the GECK someday,
And when he does our crops will return
To fill our buffet,
Rutabagas for girl, mutant and boy, mutant and boy,
Rutabagas* for girl, mutant and boy.

[Beer Goggles]

Thanks for the update. I forgot all about the talking plant.

Merry Christmas Hipolito, Carlos and Perrocarne.

[mipe]

Merry christmas for Carlos and Perrocarno.

[Daehawk]

heh the arm wrestling was great. Poor well kid

Merry Christmas you wastelanders. Perrocarne is so cute.

[Bakhtosh]

Feliz Navidad, Carlos

[Hipolito]

Chapter 23: I Socked a Man in Reno Just to Eat Ice Cream

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Guardian of the Wastes, 6 January 2244, New Reno:

"On way to Vault 15, we drive to Nueva Reno. It close to Broken Hills.



"I hope could relax in Nueva Reno and forget about my noche con Francis. It still hard to sit, so I use dead hecko lizard for seat cushion while driving. When that start to smell bad, I throw it out and sit on Perrocarne instead.

"I park Mantequilla and first thing I see is place call Cat's Paw. I look at my Cat's Paw magazine. (It really Perrocarne's copy, I gave mine to Typhon in Broken Hills.) It have same name. So this where they make magazine?



"I decide look for yob there. Maybe they need janitor, delivery guy, copy editor, that kinda thing. I ask hombre standing in front. He yell a lot about thing call 'booty.'



"I not sure but I think 'booty' is some kinda tool for bricklaying. Even if they not have yob for me I could use new booty. Before I go in to buy booty, I see niño handing out flyers. I try play with him.



"Why Cody not like me? Maybe I should have promised to buy him booty, too.

"Inside, I talk to Señorita Kitty.



"I talk to other mujeres there, but they not tell me about booty.



"I go outside and talk to other peoples to find booty.








"I find casino and decide to stop worry about booty. Time for gamble.



"I try play game, but casino worker not help me.



"That no right way to talk to Chosen One! I talk to her jefe.





"Whatever happen to 'the Chosen One is always right?' I go upstairs to talk to jefe's jefe, Beeg Heyzeus Mordino. He look he feel pretty sick. I feel sad for him, I no could look him in the ojo.



"Now I know why everyone here mean to me. They all worry about Beeg Heyzeus. I decide I try help instead of gamble. It important for sick person to drink a lot of liquidos, so I give him Nuka Cola. He drink it, and I thought it make him feel gooder, but...






"Nuka Cola not kill him, I think, it was just his time to go to el Dios. It was good thing I could make his last moment refreshing. I leave out of respect for his familia.

"Outside, I meet hombre muy extraño.





"Then I enter place where they do boxeo. I see small hombre who look exactly like treasure guy in Broken Hills that found bag of caps. That was pretty funny. I not know what happen to him after that, but now he here.



"It look like he trying to make dinero in boxeo. I talk him about it, maybe he need towel guy or agua guy.



"Now somehow I become boxeador! Man, my not speak the English good get me in mucho peligro sometimes. But I do anything for scoop of helado de 'whore,' whatever that taste like. So I do boxeo. I get into ring for first fight.







"I feel pretty scare because I not do boxeo before, so I just close eyes, run around, wave arms like piñata sticks, and yell 'HEEEELAAAADOOOOO!' But I had suerte.





"¡Miami siempre gana! (Actualmente, my name still Carlos, I no know why they think I am 'Miami.') Then I fight Pedro McKneely and Evan Holyfeld. I use same piñata stick move, but instead of me hit them, they try hit me and miss so hard they fall and lose. I think I should be becoming boxeador profesional!

"But then I fight last guy, el Masticator. He look muy enojado and have tattoo on face. He yell about why he hate some other boxeador name Jorge and his parrillas de hamburguesas. I think he un poco loco. But he great boxeador. I hit him in eyes with piñata stick move, but then I miss so hard I fall down. I so tired and confused because I not rest between fights, so I keep waving arms and doing piñata stick move while still lie down. Referee say I lost, Masticator gana. My yob as boxeador is over as quicky as start.



"I feel horrible. My amigos no wanna talk to me. Even Perrocarne stay distance from me, I so much loser. I walk alone in the street, past the putas, drogadictos, and basureros filled with fuego. What I do now for dinero, booty, or helado?

"Then I see sign."




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Favor request: Could a couple of you from outside the U.S. let me know if the Military Base video is playing normally for you? YouTube had muted the audio because of a copyright claim on the Jeffersons theme, so I submitted a dispute on fair use grounds. The audio is working again for me, but I heard that audio for disputed videos might be kept mute in some countries.

[TiLT]

Another great chapter!

The audio on the Youtube clip plays fine here in Norway.

[mipe]

I scream, you scream, all scream for ice cream!


Nice update, also, the video works fine here at Finland.

[Carpet_pissr]

Best line from this series:

"But I do anything for scoop of helado de 'whore,' whatever that taste like."

[Hipolito]

Chapter 24: Car Loss

From the journal of Carlos Vargas, Guardian of the Wastes, 23 January 2244, New Reno:

"I no know what kinda store Golden Globes Porn is, so I go in and look around. There some mujeres here who look muy lindas, but also kinda tristes. I find un hombre, Señor Corsican, who look like the jefe of the place.






"They give me cleaning cart and told me to go into next room to start work. I push cart into room, Señor Corsican follow me. He is muy inteligente, I think, he wanna watch how I do work before decide whether to hire me. I show him I am the best. I take mop out of cart to start cleaning.

"There was una mujer in room, sitting at a desk, she was muy bonita. I not look at her because I want to show that I am profesional. I start moving mop, being quiet. But she started talk to me.

" 'Oh, are you the new janitor?' she ask me.

"I smile at her and say, 'Sí, señora. I can come back later if I am disturb you'

" 'No, you can stay,' she said. She turn around in her chair to face me. I try not to notice she got pretty nice piernas. 'It has been such a long time since anyone has...cleaned up here.' Then she uncross her piernas. Is she not wearing bragas?!

"I look down at floor and move mop faster, I start sweating. 'When you think of dirty area, think of Carlos,' I say. 'I promise I be quick, señora'

"She get up from chair and walk to me. 'No,' she say, 'I want you to be real slow. Here, let me help you with that long, wooden handle.'

" 'Señora' I say, 'no touch my tool, por favor! I could get deported!' She now putting her manos all over my cuerpo. I look at Señor Corsican, I so confused, but he just say, 'Aim it at her tits, Carlos.'

"What happen next I no could believe. We do el baile horizontal right there! Señor Corsican watch whole time and not say nada. When it all over, I put clothes back on and ask Señor Corsican for forgive me.



"I walked out not understand what he say. How he can say I not have enough experiencia? I am best janitor in todo el mundo!

"Or did he meaned that I need more experiencia with ... that other thing that happened? Is that part of the yob now?!

"Bueno, then I need more practice doing el baile horizontal. None of the prostitutas here in Nueva Reno wanted to help me, but I knowed one who would: my novia in Den! I run back to Mantequilla so I can drive to Den right a-quick, but then I have problema muy grande.



"I say to Sulik, 'Vato, ¿dónde está mi coche?' But he not know. I panic and look around for help, but everybody act like they no see nada. Except el niño, Cody. He look at me like he wanna say me something.






"There is garage here, and inside garage there is bunch of cholos standing around Mantequilla!



"El cholo is right. I gotta talk to Gordo about that problema of his. But first I get Mantequilla outta here. She look okay so far, but what all these guys gonna do to her? I go into the jefe's room and talk to hombre name T-Ray.





"Tell that to Gordo. Bueno, T-Ray not gonna tell me his intenciones toward my coche, so I just gonna take coche away if that okay. I start to open driver side door.



"Che, no one get between hombre and his coche! I push off Mantequilla and hit cholo with flying kick, giving him face pull of pie.



"While I keep throwing my pies at his face, Perrocarne attack other cholo, chewing off his skin and carne and trying to rip out his bones so he can bury them.

"T-Ray come out of office to see what conmoción is. I punch him so hard in the nariz that his ojos fall out of his cabeza. Then I open locker and put T-Ray's head in. Then I kick locker shut.



"Sulik y Gordo not help out at all in fight. They just stand looking around at the tools and parts, talking about coches. But that okay, Perrocarne y yo do fine on our own. The last cholo try run away, but Perrocarne knock him down. He fall right under garage door.



"Before he can get up, I close door on his cabeza, turning it into sopa del cerebro.

"With all these auto-cholos dead, I go back to Mantequilla and start her up. She start up good and they not do anything to her, gracias a Dios. As we drived out. Sulik showed me thing he found in garage: a lighter for cigarillos. This remind me of someone who need help in Abbey:



"So I drive all the way north to Abbey. Guy there is still looking for his lighter.



"He not tell me what he need it for, but I guessing he use it to cook biggest tortilla in todo el mundo. That sounds sabrosa, but I no can stick around. I gotta get some experiencia. We leave Abbey and drive to Den to meet my novia.



"I telled her I need experiencia and we got down to business. We did a lotta stuff and it cost a lotta dinero. We did el baile horizontal for almost entire día y noche. I feeled I have more experiencia...



"...but it not feeled like enough. Then she showed me trick she call the Ten Peso Tower. It a very difficult trick and kinda hurt, but it what I needed to get over hump.





"I no could even walk after all that sexo. Sulik y Gordo carry me to Mantequilla and put me in back seat, where I lie down until they drive me back to Nueva Reno. I hope I get my energía and líquidos back by then.

"¡Jamón del Cristo, me duelen las pelotas! If I not feel gooder soon, maybe I ask Señor Corsican if I can do something else. What does 'fluffer' do?"

[Bolivar]

Great update, please keep them coming.