Chapter 35: In Violence is the Preservation of the World
"Me and Sulik goed downstair like Elder say to. There we see big maze with singing computadoras.
"I know what I gotta do here. I gotta do very difficult tribal dance, sometime it even kill you if you not know right move. I dance through maze as fast as can while limbo song sing.
"I open all maze doors, and see maze goes to two other rooms. I go into left room and it have a lotta Enclave assistant managers. It look like they have meeting. I try to blend in.
"All the Enclavadores surround me. Since we all look same, I get confuse.
"The Enclavadores not have weapons, so they punch me. I punch back with Mega Cooking Mitt. Sulik come in later after he finish dancing limbo (he not as fast as me) and help a little by shooting. When fight over, I look at computadora in the room, but there nothing good on it.
"I leave left room and go into right room. Another room full of assistant managers. This time I try to talk smart.
"These cholos not have weapons, either, so it was just mano-a-mitt. After that, it look like a janitor waxed the floor with sangre. Before I leave, I look through some lockers and find another HECK! So now I have 2 HECK. What the HECK doing here, I no know. But I now can grow twice the tamale corn.
"I escape from maze room and go downstairs. Things a little different here. I still gotta fight some robos y cholos, but people look kinda scared here. I find room with big table, like at a party for los niños. But there no be no niños here.
"Sulik y yo kill that guy pretty quick, but others come. A big drink robot shooted big boom-boom cohete at me and knock me off my pies.
"I get up and feel strange in la cabeza. I thought I saw man in suit and una bambina in black dress running around. Maybe this was dream. Then Sulik kill them both and I see it not a dream.
"After this fight, I go into next room and see guy in big oficina. He look muy importante and sit at big desk. The desk look muy importante, too
"The desk say something in English I no can read good because my ojos still hurt from that cohete boom. It say something like 'Presidente de las Tostadas Unidas.' Tostadas Unidas sound pretty good to me, so I thinked maybe I even switch sides and join Enclave. But then el Presidente talk to me, and he very angry. If I know one thing, is that no one who eat tostada is angry. Something not right here.
"He even got a perro, too, but I bet he not as tasty as good old Perrocarne. I leaved them both alone. We goed down to bottom floor, where it look kinda quiet. I thinked we could sneak through.
"This plan not worked.
"These Enclavadores have good weapons. Pistola de plasma, pistola de gauss, y big boom-boom cohete. They fight us from both sides, no care if they even shoot each other. After we knock a few down, one of them blow big hole in Sulik's estomago like he not even wear armor. Sulik looked at me, then down at hole in his estomago, where a lot of sangre y salchichas already coming out. '96 p-p-points?' he say, then he roll his ojos and fall down.
"I feeled like I wanna fall down, too, but first I kill all the bad guys. I then look for Sulik, who was hard to find under all the other bodies. When I finded him, it was too late. Sulik was muerto. All my amigos I come here with--Gordo, Goris, Sulik--all muertos. I hold back scream while I take bone from Sulik's nose. When this over, I will give Grampy Bone to Sulik seester.
"I walk away and turn corner, then find una computadora grandisima. I think this what Elder tolded me to destroy.
"Un gran problema, though, is that there be three hombres here, dressed like cientificos, who know I not suppose to be there.
" 'You are not supposed to be here!' one of them say to me. 'I'm calling security right now!'
He go over to press a button. I knew it all over. I no can fight anymore if I not have Sulik with me. I too tired. Now just time to give up and let Enclave to kill me like they kill my amigos. But before the cientifico press the button, he look at me.
" 'Hang on ... where have I seen you before?' he ask.
" '¿Qué sé yo?' I say. 'Maybe you seed me in movie somewhere?'
" 'A movie ... that's right. You do porn! Isn't your stage name Spooge McFuck?'
" 'No. Yo me llamo El Douche.'
" 'Ah, that's right, El Douche! You're the best, man! Hey, are you here to shoot a scene? Great! We're not allowed to leave the room, but we'll stay out of your way. We'll even keep our backs turned so you can work in privacy. Now make some movie magic, Douche!'
"I owe muchas gracias to the Corsican hermanos. Maybe I make another pelicula for them gratis.
"But when I looked at computadora, I not know what to do. So many button, everything in English. I not know which one make computadora stop working. I just a janitor. If cleaning could destroy computadora, I be a bomba atómica. But it can't, and I not. Maybe I really am estupido. Maybe Elder wrong to trust me.
"I stare at big computadora. I feel like it staring back at me, eating my soul like el diablo. Now this time I really give up. There nothing I can do except celebrate my last day alive. I look through my things and find a little cake. At least I think it a cake. It kinda look like one.
"It gotta candle coming out of it, like a cumpleaños cake. I not know when my cumpleaños is, but I pretend it is today. ¿Por qué no? My real cumpleaños not matter any more. I light candle and watch it burn. 'Feliz cumpleaños, Carlos Vargas,' I say to my self while agua comes from my ojos. 'You were born tonto, now you die tonto, and everyone you love die with you. Wait, what kinda cake--'