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Stupid Math Jokes Wanted

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Enough
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Stupid Math Jokes Wanted

Post by Enough » Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:06 pm

A bit of a Tuesday time-waster as it were. If you've got a good one share, heck share even if you have one of suckage. I'll get the ball rolling...

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Yeah, yeah.. I know this post just doesn't add up. ;)
My blog (mostly photos): Fort Ephemera - My Flickr Photostream

“You only get one sunrise and one sunset a day, and you only get so many days on the planet. A good photographer does the math and doesn’t waste either.” ―Galen Rowell

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Guy Incognito
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Post by Guy Incognito » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:05 pm

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2, but how'd they get in there?

(See, 2 is a number and numbers = math) :P

Playing by the rules:

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

Math Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!

The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

There are 10 kinds of mathematicians. Those who can think binarily and those who can't...

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!

Do you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.

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LordMortis
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Post by LordMortis » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:14 pm

This was on GG a long time ago, but it is one of my all time favorites.

Mathamatcial proof that Woman is evil:

(√ is the closest I could find to a square root symbol)


Women = Time x Money
Time = Money
Women = Money x Money
Women = Money²
Money = √evil
Money² = evil
Women = evil

fancydirt

Post by fancydirt » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:31 pm

Werner Heisenberg got pulled over by a police offcier one night for speeding. When asked by the officer if he knew how fast he was going, Heisenberg replied, "No, but I can tell you where I was."

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dbt1949
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Post by dbt1949 » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:39 pm

Look at our national budget for the next four years.
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aka dbt1949

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The Meal
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Post by The Meal » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:58 pm

LordMortis wrote:(√ is the closest I could find to a square root symbol)
Well that should work as it *is* the square root symbol. The bar over top of the expression inside a root symbol is a collector, acting much like parenthesis around an expression.

~Neal

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Eel Snave
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Post by Eel Snave » Tue Nov 16, 2004 4:16 pm

Women = Time x Money
Time = Money
Women = Money x Money
Women = Money²
Money = vevil
Money² = evil
Women = evil
That is extremely funny.
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LordMortis
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Post by LordMortis » Tue Nov 16, 2004 4:27 pm

Well that should work as it *is* the square root symbol. The bar over top of the expression inside a root symbol is a collector, acting much like parenthesis around an expression.
You forgot to *snark* after that comment while pushing up at the bridge area of where your nose meets your forehead with your middle finger.

Some of us were happy to get enough math to make sure we weren't getting ripped off of the grocer's and make a few normal measurements works while doing work around the house. :P

:roll: geeks :roll:

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Kael
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Post by Kael » Tue Nov 16, 2004 4:28 pm

Q: What do the number 3.14159 and a pastry filled with meat, cream or fruit have in common?

A: They are both Pi!

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YellowKing
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Post by YellowKing » Tue Nov 16, 2004 4:31 pm

Why was the number 10 afraid of the number 7? Because 7 8 9!

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Thunderspark
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Post by Thunderspark » Tue Nov 16, 2004 5:39 pm

87% of all statistics are made up.

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flycatcher
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Post by flycatcher » Tue Nov 16, 2004 5:41 pm

This is not really a math joke but it deals with math. A jewish kid was really struggling with math. His parents told him if he didn't shape up they would send him to Catholic School. The kid failed math, and his parents sent him to catholic school. Immediately his math grade went to an A. His parents asked him " Why are you doing so well in math now?" The kid replied," becasue they are really serious about math at that school, they have a man nailed to a plus sign in every room."

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Enough
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Post by Enough » Tue Nov 16, 2004 6:24 pm

Thunderspark wrote:87% of all statistics are made up.
Q. Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A. Probably....

Here's some more punishment:

Q. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule."

Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A. You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.

Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A. That's the Law of Spline Demand.


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:

"I define myself to be on the outside."
My blog (mostly photos): Fort Ephemera - My Flickr Photostream

“You only get one sunrise and one sunset a day, and you only get so many days on the planet. A good photographer does the math and doesn’t waste either.” ―Galen Rowell

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