The Metalhed Chronicles *warning: Excessive Laughter*

[Brian]

Are ALL these stories about Metalhed Brian?

Yes. They have all happened to me.

Thankfully, I live a far more boring and sedate life these days.

I don't remember, is the chain puking in Egyptian cab story in there?

[Aliasbuck]

I don't seem to remember that it is. I think I'd remember that as a companion to the box story.

[Kraegor]

edit: Bakhtosh, you wouldn't happen to have the 'sopina' thread archived somewhere as well, would you? I've been searching for that one all these years too. All I've been able to find are Kratzer's infamous 'document', and some occassional vague remembrances whenever the topic comes up.

We've got a good start on the historical threads over at The OOWiki. The Sopina image is there, but I don't believe its thread is.

heh for perfect timing and spontaneous humor that one certainly set a high mark.

[UnicornPoint]

Bumped in honor of my own "Worst. Day. Ever." Wasn't at work, but taking care of an 18 mo. old... not easy.

[miltonite]

How are you going to bump this thread and not post a complete story for all of our amusement?

[Little Raven]

I must agree with miltonite. Channel your inner metalhed. You can do it!

[Ænima]

I have a good friend putting together an anthology of shit-related, humorous stories to pitch to publishers. Being old school GG, I sent him a copy of Metalhed's Worst Day Ever and he said it would be perfect. I've tried to message Brian with no luck, so if you know him and could pass on the word, that would be great.

My friend's Facebook page for the book is here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=337119701176" target="_blank

-Ben

[NinaPerdida]

I have a good friend putting together an anthology of shit-related, humorous stories to pitch to publishers. Being old school GG, I sent him a copy of Metalhed's Worst Day Ever and he said it would be perfect. I've tried to message Brian with no luck, so if you know him and could pass on the word, that would be great.

My friend's Facebook page for the book is here:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=337119701176" target="_blank

-Ben

He's traveling for work this week and may only have sporadic internet access. Will pass it along though.

[Ænima]

Thanks!

[Brian]

Cool.

I haven't seen any PM's in my inbox. What do you need, if anything, from me?

Shoot me a PM or post details here.

[miltonite]

By the way; UnicornPoint, we are still waiting....

[UnicornPoint]

By the way; UnicornPoint, we are still waiting....

OK, fine...

The nausea and vomiting started just after ND and NP left for work/school. As if vomiting 4 times in as many hours while taking care of an 18 mo. old wasn't enough, the diarrhea kicked in while I was vomiting the 5th time. I changed my pants twice during the day. The nausea finally let up just before bed, but the diarrhea didn't... every time I started to fall asleep I'd mess my pants... finally gave up trying to sleep, changed my pants (again) and sat up reading for the rest of the night.

The next day I went and bought some Depends, so I'd be ready for next time

[Brian]

I've never shit the bed but I did have a vomiting/puking spell once where I was puking in the toilet and I lost the battle to keep my sphincter shut and blasted a stream of liquid poo about three feet across the bathroom where it splashed against the bathroom door.

Nothing says fun like cleaning the entire bathroom at 3 am.

[UnicornPoint]

It was only my pants, fortunately. When I was half-asleep I thought it was gas... then the "leak" of liquid poo woke me up in a hurry.

We had to clean up our bathroom at 3am once... but it was from the dog getting sick... from both ends... we just ripped out the carpet (I know... what idiot put carpet in a bathroom? We bought the house that way, honest!) and started looking around for a tile installer the next day. Ended up putting down tile and laminate throughout the house.

[Ænima]

Cool.

I haven't seen any PM's in my inbox. What do you need, if anything, from me?

Shoot me a PM or post details here.

PM sent.

[naednek]

Wow I remember the first story but somehow missed the rest.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

[Kraken]

If we're going to necro this thread, I demand new chronicles.

[Anonymous Bosch]

If we're going to necro this thread, I demand new chronicles.

Be careful what you wish for. I doubt the brown trousers (or Depends) chronicles of a decrepit Brian would be quite so amusing…

[Brian]

If we're going to necro this thread, I demand new chronicles.

Nothing in my life currently warrants quite the writeup that would match the events of my younger days. For good or ill, I've become pretty boring.

What I have done though is encourage my wife to start keeping a journal of all of the silly and stupid things her clients have done or said to her in her career as a veterinary technician.

Some prime examples are:

1. She asks a client if their dog is current on heartworm medication (Heartguard, etc) as they had seen a rise in cases.
The customer told her, "oh, she's an indoor dog so we don't worry about it."
Wife: So, your dog poops/pees in the house then?
Customer: Oh no, we let her out for that.
Wife: Well, that's where the mosquitos are.
Customer: But we live in a gated community.

2. Customer has a hedgehog in for a checkup and her and wife are discussing the cuteness factor of hedgehogs when the client tells her:
Customer: Oh, he's just so cute and I love to kiss his little belly-button! (proceeds to put her mouth on the hedgehog and makes kissy noises).
Wife: Uhhh, that's his penis.

3. Customer insists her dog is a female after being told that it is, in fact, a male dog.
Customer: No, you're stupid, it CAN'T be a boy dog because look at it, she has nipples!!
Wife: Does your husband not have nipples? Is he Aladdin?

[Blackhawk]

1. She asks a client if their dog is current on heartworm medication (Heartguard, etc) as they had seen a rise in cases.
The customer told her, "oh, she's an indoor dog so we don't worry about it."
Wife: So, your dog poops/pees in the house then?
Customer: Oh no, we let her out for that.
Wife: Well, that's where the mosquitos are.
Customer: But we live in a gated community.

What an idiot.

Mosquitoes can buzz themselves in!

[Isgrimnur]

[coopasonic]

1. She asks a client if their dog is current on heartworm medication (Heartguard, etc) as they had seen a rise in cases.
The customer told her, "oh, she's an indoor dog so we don't worry about it."
Wife: So, your dog poops/pees in the house then?
Customer: Oh no, we let her out for that.
Wife: Well, that's where the mosquitos are.
Customer: But we live in a gated community.

What an idiot.

Mosquitoes can buzz themselves in!

The exit is over there. Go. Now.

[$iljanus]

1. She asks a client if their dog is current on heartworm medication (Heartguard, etc) as they had seen a rise in cases.
The customer told her, "oh, she's an indoor dog so we don't worry about it."
Wife: So, your dog poops/pees in the house then?
Customer: Oh no, we let her out for that.
Wife: Well, that's where the mosquitos are.
Customer: But we live in a gated community.

Well you know, only the "good" mosquitos live in our neighborhood.

[Isgrimnur]

Not like those Asian bush mosquitos.

[Holman]

Poop story!!

My dad passed away a month ago, and this week I remembered one of very few (he was pretty straight-laced) embarrassing stories he used to tell. This won't be Metalhed length or detail, but here you go.

The year was 1965. I wasn't even born. Dad had recently started a new job in New Orleans and moved on ahead of my mom and my then-infant sister, who would both remain in Nashville for a few more weeks. He was staying in an old-fashioned boarding house in the French Quarter, where he had his own bedroom but shared a kitchen and a bathroom with other short-term tenants. Property and privacy standards were different in those days.

It was summer, and Louisiana was humid and wet even by Deep South standards. All the same, Dad had an important meeting with new boss that morning, and he had carefully shaved, showered, and put on his best suit. There was just time for a quick cup of coffee in the shared kitchen before he set out for the office. Coffee is hot, of course, so he took off his jacket and draped it on the back of his chair at the kitchen table. (In these days you had your coffee in a kitchen mug. No carryout sidewalk options were available.)

The queasy stomach rumblings (as he told it) began just as he was finishing his coffee. Deciding that evacuation was the better part of professionalism, he headed back along the hall to the shared bathroom, four doors down.

By the time he reached the bathroom he was aware that it was a bowel emergency, but when he tried the doorknob he knew he was locked out. Just at that moment he heard the shower start up with water. It would be ten or fifteen minutes before he could possibly have access to the toilet.

Dad raced back to his own bedroom door, desperate for privacy at least. The door was locked. The key was in his jacket pocket, hanging on a chair back in the kitchen. In just seconds the shit (my word, not his), he knew, would be flowing whether he liked it or not.

He bolted to the kitchen. The only option that presented itself was a box of cereal--Captain Crunch--sitting on the counter. Seeing no other possibility, he grabbed the cereal box, dumped out the contents, dropped his suit pants, and squatted desperately over the Captain in the middle of the kitchen, hoping no one would walk in.

It would be a funnier story if someone had, but he managed the whole operation in secret, and without missing his meeting. Still, for the next twenty+ years, my mom would occasionally put out a box of Captain Crunch on Dad's birthday.

[Kraken]

This thread still delivers.

[Ralph-Wiggum]

We’re telling poop stories? Mine isn’t as good as Holman’s or Brian’s, but how often do I get a chance to tell it?

It was a Sunday afternoon when I was 10 years old. I was lying on the couch watching TV, when one of my older brothers, Captain Caveman, who was 12 at the time arrived home. He had spent the weekend with a friend’s family on a camping trip a few hours away and the family had just pulled into to the driveway and let him out. The next thing I see is CC racing out of the car and through the living room, running as fast as he can. I yell after him to see what’s going on and he just screams back “I’ve got to poop!”. Five to ten minutes later, he comes back downstairs and everything seems fine.

Cut to that evening. I head up to my room to get ready for bed. When I turn on the light, I immediately see a large turd sitting in the middle of my carpet and poop stained underwear in my hamper. Not only did CC not make it to the bathroom in time, but instead of flushing his crap down the toilet and throwing away his underwear, he panicked and tried to dispose of the evidence in my room!

[Z-Corn]

Oh OK, we're gonna post poop stories...

I've got a bittersweet one. It's sweet because it's one of the few times I beat my wife in ping-pong but it's bitter because...diarrhea...

Back in the mid '90's, before Bell's Brewery was such a juggernaut we used to make the 45 mile drive to Kalamazoo often on Saturday afternoons. This was a hot summer and they always kept it so nice and cool in there. Plus we'd drink beer and bring back a case and this was when the beer wasn't as widely distributed.

At the time the Eccentric Cafe was pretty rustic. They had a ping-pong table upstairs in a loft area and we loved to bring our paddles and play. On this Saturday we brought my Dad and we were all upstairs, my wife and I playing and my Dad watching.

Towards the end of a game my stomach did the bubbly rumble and I thought I could trust a gambler. Nope. Shouldn't have trusted it. I could feel the poop fill my boxer briefs. Being summer I was wearing shorts.

I'm not one to concede a game so I had to quickly win the game and race down to the bathroom. Fortunately there was no line as it was early afternoon. Long story short I had to strip, clean up in the sink and abandon my undies. Thankfully my shorts were OK.

I'm not a good secret keeper so as soon as I got back upstairs I told the whole story to my mortified Wife and Father. We went downstairs and switched to checkers lest the further exertion of ping-pong produce another evacuation. Of my bowels.

[Kraken]

I'm kind of glad I don't have any poop stories. At least, none that I can remember. My memory has been on the fritz lately.

I have a barf story, but there's probably a different thread for that.

[Blackhawk]

Poop stories, sure. Fun poop stories? Uh, no.