Not helping would be the Smart Thing

khomotso · Post by **khomotso** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:42 pm

I only met her a few weeks ago, a friend of a friend. Feisty to the point of being overbearing, but caring. A quick wit, even if she tends to take me a little too literally. Talks a bit too much about herself, especially the boyfriend she has a rocky relationship with, but she can take the wryness I dish out. She's the sort of friend that will get you off your ass and out having a good time, and make you grateful for it, even if you start out griping. Was happy to have met her.

Had a little dinner at my place last night with several people over. I'm trying to learn some Indian recipes, and needed people to experiment on. Come into my cumin-stained parlour, guinea pigs.

She backed out at the last second, oddly, making some lame excuse about work. Someone else confided that her boyfriend's objections were the real reason, and I laughed it off weakly.

Found an IM message on my computer, some time later. "You there? I really need you to be there right now." Silence from my end, of course, and half-glad I missed it at the time. Known her a few weeks, and it's a little too sickly sweet to be needed like that.

But today I ask her what was up, convincing myself that ignoring it isn't the wisest way to deal, and after some dodging she comes out with it: had a bad fight with her boyfriend, and needed a place to stay.

Christ, don't pull me into that shit, I'm thinking. Be smart about it. From what you know of her, she's fundamentally unhelp-able. Needy, but refuses to follow any intelligent advice given her. Young and idealistic, speaks of relationships in cliches from soap operas like "I thought our friendship was stronger than that," and as obtuse about her social connections as she is shrewd about everything else. "And you're not interested," I add to the arguments.

I feel the pull of that cold wisdom, resigned to its truth. But I'm at least meeting her for coffee tonight, to talk. She's new to town, her few friends seem mad at her ("Mad at you for being so stupid about your life and then dumping it on them, you mean"). But there's no one else, and God help me, it's a little nice to be needed.

I know. Dangerous drug, that. But I can stop any time I want, right?

Now I start to imagine scenarios. Like her indie-rock boyfriend (could see his band at The Middle East a couple weeks back) in a jealous rage, and gunplay. Like me refusing her advances and taking the high road. Like her just babbling on and I'm supposed to just sit and nod politely and tell her what she wants to hear. Like ... nothing, just that I'm now the one spinning this into a big deal. Just go have a fucking coffee.

Stupid, stupid, telling myself this all the way, as I trudge to the coffee shop.

Austin · Post by **Austin** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:46 pm

42.

edit: Let us know how it turns out!

khomotso · Post by **khomotso** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:48 pm

42

I don't need that answer, just give me the number that covers women, not life in general. Bigger number, I'm thinking.

Biyobi · Post by **Biyobi** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:50 pm

Get her drunk and put it...

Seriously, don't let her make you her Intellectual Whore, which is where it sounds like you are headed.

Grievous Angel · Post by **Grievous Angel** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:56 pm

khomotso wrote:
42
just give me the number that covers women, not life in general. Bigger number, I'm thinking.

69?

PR_GMR · Post by **PR_GMR** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 4:56 pm

Yep, what Biyobi said: Don't be her emotional tampoon... no matter how much you need the attention. Walk away. 8)

Austin · Post by **Austin** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:00 pm

So far this thread has coined,
"Intellectual Whore" and "emotional tampon"... can't see what treats await me later tonight!

Biyobi · Post by **Biyobi** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:02 pm

I can't claim credit. I'm just passing along the wisdom.

Dirt · Post by **Dirt** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:03 pm

Just don't get attached.

The Meal · Post by **The Meal** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:04 pm

khomotso, I would read a book that you wrote.

That said, how one walks the line between getting used vs. staying happy in life is one of those struggles. As a youngster I was *THERE* for every and anyone who needed my help. I justified being *THERE* for every lost cause and social reject along the lines of "it's better to niavely be taken advantage of than to see someone needlessly suffer."

I'm older now. I've hit my limit. I've poured myself -- my attentions, efforts, heart, emotions -- I've dumped this stuff into some very empty black-holes. I've figured out that there are some people out there whom you can never fill up with yourself.

Now the question isn't *how much* effort I'm willing to give when someone else is in need. No, now the jaded older me asks, *should* I even bother helping out.

Some how -- in some inexplicable manner -- I managed to get married *after* I became this jaded old guy. If I hadn't met the particular wonderful woman who I did meet, I can almost guarantee you that I never would have got married in my life. I mean, never say never, but it takes a special someone to get me to extend myself in a way I'd do oh so casually when I was in my early 20's.

I don't know that I'm in any better position now than you, nor do I know that I handle things better. I do know that I've filled my life with other responsibilities (hence: excuses for not helping out) and that I'm a happy person -- as long as I don't look too closely behind this particular curtain.

Best of luck.

~Neal

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:04 pm

Nice narration.

I'd play it out, see where it goes, but don't get attached unless it's time get attached. If you have a good time and don't regret it, why stop having a good time and why regret it pre-emptively. If your danger sense is going off, then don't get attached. If you don't trust then she can't stay with you and that's that though. Once you let them in the door it's a whole different animal. Trust me.

And I don't even have any interest in my roommate.

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:06 pm

Oh sure Dirt, post while I am reading. What a great big poopy head.

Dirt · Post by **Dirt** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 5:46 pm

noun · Post by **noun** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 6:11 pm

I'm older now. I've hit my limit. I've poured myself -- my attentions, efforts, heart, emotions -- I've dumped this stuff into some very empty black-holes. I've figured out that there are some people out there whom you can never fill up with yourself.

Very well put, I like that. I've certainly let some true emotional vampires drain more from me than was healthy in the past, with the unfortunate result that I'm very reserved now.

Good luck with this, khomotso.

DiscoJason · Post by **DiscoJason** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 6:13 pm

khomotso wrote: Come into my cumin-stained parlour, guinea pigs.

Wow, I sure read that wrong the first time!

Post by **FishPants** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 6:19 pm

Sounds like she is using you as a tool to make her boyfriend jealous. You are walking down a lonely path; or at least a path full of jealous boyfriend knuckles. It's not worth it, unless of course you get her naked.. Then it may be worth it if that's what you are after.

Discalced · Post by **Discalced** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 6:34 pm

DiscoJason wrote:
khomotso wrote: Come into my cumin-stained parlour, guinea pigs.
Wow, I sure read that wrong the first time!

Sit her down. Tell her to shut the fuck up. Hit her upside the head with a crowbar of reality, thrice. If it doesn't dent her, walk away. If you crush her, help pick up the pieces. If there is no hope, you already lost.

Edmond · Post by **Edmond** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 6:56 pm

Nice one, khomotso. You fooled us to give you suggestions, when you have already made up your mind and told us so in your subject.

Odin · Post by **Odin** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 7:20 pm

Meh. I say if you're bored, go ahead and get involved if you WANT to. If you DON'T WANT TO, then you've got lots of good reasons here not to. Either way, it seems like you've thought it through pretty well, so just keep that logic in the forefront and be prepared to cut things off if they get out of hand.

Good luck!

Mr. Sparkle · Post by **Mr. Sparkle** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 8:51 pm

OK, I have to chime in here, as this story reminds me WAAAAY too much of a messed up "much more than friends, but much less than dating" relationship that ate my soul for two full years. Now, I am a few years removed from this situation, but (as you will soon see) I am still a little bit bitter.... though more angry at my own stupidity, than anything else.

It's too early to tell how many similarities there are... and I went into the situation blind to the dangers, whereas khomotso seems walking with his eyes wide open... KEEP IT THAT WAY.

If it's anything like what I experienced, this is what will happen:

1) You will continue to hang out and have a great time... you might even hook up... but it will be a "mistake" and cause no end of problems... she will stay with her boyfriend; since you will end up providing her with what he doesn't (Emotional Tampon or whatever)

2) If she does break up with her boyfriend, she will distance herself from you first... you will have a fight about something really really stupid... but it will be extremely traumatizing. She'll "need" you again, and want to patch it up, only after she is seeing somebody new.

3) When you meet somebody she will start picking fights for no reason. When she gets drunk she will hit on you hardcore. This will still be a "mistake", driven by alcohol, since you both are seeing people.

4) You get serious with your new girl. This is the only time that she will feel comfortable being single and still being "friends". She will have a HUGE fight with her boyfriend. They will break up, and she will be extremely hurt and vulnerable.

5) If you go running into her arms, breaking your girl's heart in the process, then you will have your wild night of passion... but things will start going sour the next day. Probably arguments... also likely that she starts talking to her ex- again... soon you're left with nothing but scars.

6) If you resist her advances, then she's just been given a license to flirt with you with no guilt... to openly wonder "Why things never worked out between us?"

I could go on... but I think you get the picture.

I'm not saying this is what will happen, but be advised that it could. So keep that skepticism intact and if you see anything like what I described above.... RUUUUUUUN!!!!!

Mookee · Post by **Mookee** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 8:55 pm

Yeesh, this hits close to home. I'm going to be in this situation in about a week or three if my magic 8-ball is accurate. Good luck. Of course, I'll fly head first into it, end up getting hurt, cry, and be a shell of a man for a while. Oh well.

At least my penis will cry white tears of joy. I hope yours does too.

Odin · Post by **Odin** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:02 pm

Mookee wrote: At least my penis will cry white tears of joy. I hope yours does too.

LOL - if I were inclined to have a sig, that might very well be it.

Meghan · Post by **Meghan** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:17 pm

hey khomotso - if you feed her she'll never find her own home again. But you know that.

Hope the coffee was good anyway.

WPD · Post by **WPD** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:59 pm

DiscoJason wrote:
khomotso wrote: Come into my cumin-stained parlour, guinea pigs.
Wow, I sure read that wrong the first time!

I'd like to join the "we read to fast club". Thanks.

DiscoJason · Post by **DiscoJason** » Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:52 pm

WPD wrote:
DiscoJason wrote:
khomotso wrote: Come into my cumin-stained parlour, guinea pigs.
Wow, I sure read that wrong the first time!
I'd like to join the "we read to fast club". Thanks.

The scary part is I like what I originally thought it was better. Makes the story more interesting.

Chesspieceface · Post by **Chesspieceface** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 4:20 am

Sith Lord wrote:
Mookee wrote: At least my penis will cry white tears of joy. I hope yours does too.
LOL - if I were inclined to have a sig, that might very well be it.

Both statements. insanely funny. thanks.

jpinard · Post by **jpinard** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 5:34 am

What's "42" mean?

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 7:27 am

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 8:50 am

42 is the answer to "life, the universe, and everything" as an ongoing gag from Doug Adams Hitchhiker's "trilogy." There is a heck of a lot more to it involving Arthur Dent and Slatibartfast, but don't think I can cover it here. So, basically it's a joke to see if you have read read pop sci-fi. (Actually, if you don't know the gag, then there is a good chance you will really enjoy the books....at least the first 3 anyway.)

The Meal · Post by **The Meal** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:38 pm

khomotso, what's the good word? Was she a whiney Yankees fan or what?

~Neal

khomotso · Post by **khomotso** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:09 pm

I'm older now. I've hit my limit. I've poured myself -- my attentions, efforts, heart, emotions -- I've dumped this stuff into some very empty black-holes. I've figured out that there are some people out there whom you can never fill up with yourself.

Now the question isn't *how much* effort I'm willing to give when someone else is in need. No, now the jaded older me asks, *should* I even bother helping out.

I know the feeling. There's that early stage where you think you can fix anything by caring enough about it, then there's the stage of disillusioned insight and the worldly, self-protective wisdom that follows. But I think there has to be something a step yet beyond that - a way to engage without crippling yourself. Still trying to work it out, and that requires attempts.

So this was my thought - play this one like you have nothing to lose, because you don't. I'll be blunt, I'll interrupt, ask pointed questions, talk about myself and let her cope with the 'digression,' not volunteer my services for any hinted need. Be thoughtful, but also "take it or leave it." She either starts to realize that I'm not the puppy she wanted and decides to return it (and then no harm done, I only wasted a coffee), or she starts to think that maybe this is better than what she had in mind.

She goes on about the brother of her boyfriend, and I interject, "Fine, he's a prick, but let's move on - why is this even the issue?” She indulges in righteous outrage at her man’s frailties, and I know I'm supposed to agree, but I start to laugh instead, because he's so wrong it's comical (he’s really quite a winner). This is the moment, when she either recoils or shares the joke. Good timing - I’d just finished my French Roast. Then her tense features crumble, she laughs too, and the tone of dreary earnestness and need starts to dissolve.

Coffee turns into dinner, and it's ... actually nice. Soon we start talking about other things altogether, things that have no bearing on her issues, just two people learning to be friends. Damn, I think, it worked. I helped, but not in any grand way. I'm not the white knight, not the doting caregiver. Just some guy she had a nice meal with, a refreshing change of pace, a different air to breathe for a couple hours. Now I’ll go home early and maybe see her next week.

Then the phone rings at 1 a.m., and I know who it’s going to be before I hear the voice on the machine, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to answer. The story she relates in an epic message involves an attempted break-up, how he got a little violent and scared her, and she's a little shaken ...

Fuck, this is going to take more work. But it starts by me going back to sleep. I roll over and put the pillow over my ears.

P.S. She *was* a Yankees fan, fer Chrissakes! Hell, she's even a Mets fan. More baggage, just what I need

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:26 pm

khomotso,

I must repeat: You have a great narrative style. Your posts read like an impromptu audience participation of a story being told by noir pro.

I am waiting with bated breath to see the next pages submitted for approval. I am wondering where the plot twist is going to be, what little detail becomes eitehr the crack in reality or the eventual backbone for a thematic movement.

Would it be too much to ask how you plan for this story to end? Will that totally spoil it for me?

khomotso · Post by **khomotso** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:30 pm

I was toying with the Red Sox making the comeback of baseball history, but that seemed contrived and overwrought.

Dirt · Post by **Dirt** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 2:51 pm

Which head are you trying to satisfy here? The one on your shoulders or the one between your legs?

The Meal · Post by **The Meal** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 2:58 pm

I've tried this route, also. It only delays the inevitable decision -- doormat or dickhead?

And I'd read a sequel you wrote, too.

~Neal

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 3:03 pm

I was toying with the Red Sox making the comeback of baseball history, but that seemed contrived and overwrought.

I agree, but for a different reason. I think that sports, in general, would be a distraction to the story. But who knows? It's not like I've never been wrong before. Maybe you could give it try. Throw up a sample and we'll see how it plays out.

Edit and:

It only delays the inevitable decision -- doormat or dickhead?

But at least I got my first months rent now, which allowed me spend $40 on candy

I must live on the busiest candy for loot run in SE Michigan. I swear the kids line up for miles to come down Avondale. Parents drive their kids from all over to hit my little sub. Last year 6 bags (84 ozs. Must have been 240 pieces or 120 kids or so) of candy last less than an hour. I felt like I was working that stupid busy 7-11 again.

LawBeefaroni · Post by **LawBeefaroni** » Thu Oct 21, 2004 3:06 pm

Oh lord, not the abusive boyfriend bit. That one is a pain in the ass. Especially when it's true, but also when it's not.

Octopus Overlords

Not helping would be the Smart Thing

Not helping would be the Smart Thing

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