And the Jeff V award for Biggest Chump of 2008 goes to(NSFW)

[PR_GMR]

..me!!!!

$3700.

That's the amount of coin I dropped at The Hustler Club here in Baltimore, MD this past weekend. Yes, Jeff V.. the one on 'the block'.

What. The. Fuck. Happened?

I tell you what happened. It was my buddy Mark's Bacherlor Party. The night started great enough. One of his friends dressed in drag and jumped out of a giant gift box. We got video of that for posterity. Then we had a nice pizza dinner before we all piled on in a van to hit the Hustler club.

We get to the club and we're given a group discount since a friend of a friend knows someone at the club. Fine enough. We get in and as part of the door deal, we get three alcohol bottles with some mixer coke/cranberry/oj. We start buying Mark lap dances right away, $25.00 a pop. He's having fun.

Well this fucking hot girl approaches me.. and she was the finest one in the club. She had caught my eye the moment I walked in the door. I was like.. 'When I get my lap dance, it'll be with her'. All the girls immediately gravitate to our group as they see a bachelor party, and they KNOW they can make some coin. I fend off the advances of the first three girls; they were nice enough.. but not 'The One'. So I walk around the club by myself and I spot the VIP area upstairs. Some people are sure having fun upstairs. FHG (fucking hot girl) then appears, throwing her arms around me from behind. She's 5'9", white, young, brunette, and curvy as hell.. all natural... no fake bobbies (I hate them).. with an ass that can stop traffic.

She offers me the lap dance.. $25.00 remember.. I say yes.. She takes me to the lap dance area in the back of the club, where there all these couches. The dance is nice enough.. I'm enthralled. I've not female contact for quite a while since all I've been doing is film and finishing college. Then she says "we can go upstairs. For a bit extra we can have a really good party.' So she sends AJ, the bouncer/ floor manager over and he tells me that for $1400 I can take her upstairs for one hour. He'll even throw in a bottle of Crystal. I tell AJ if I can bring my friend Mark with me.. after all he's the Bachelor.. AJ says sure.

I make the offer to Mark that we will have a great party.. But Mark's a really standup guy. God bless him. I'm glad he's my friend and film production partner. Mark passes on the offer. He doesn't want things to get too wild. He tells me to go ahead and have fun.

So.. I did. The first hour was amazing. Mia--that's FHG's--name was magnificent. I was able to use my hands and mouth all over her nubile body. Once we got talking, she told she was 21. We shared the bottle of Crystal. Talked a bit. She keep touching me.. ehh, stimulating me.. Then Josh, the VIP manager comes in and asks if I would like another hour and another bottle of Crystal.. Apparently, I fucking said yes. The second hour was a blur of sensuality, Champagne, and me deluding myself that this chick cared who the fuck I was and what I was about. She told me her real name was Crystal (probably a double-layer of lies right there). We made out feverishly for another hour.

Then, it was over. I was reaching that point where I knew I wanted to fuck her.. and would have paid for it. She wanted to bring me to the next VIP room and spend the whole night with her.. It was going to cost $5000.00. I'm just a middle-class chump/wannabe filmmaker with a government job. My cell phone rings.. and Mark and the rest of my friends where out the door. It was closing time. Thank God! I grabbed my jacket, didn't even say Goodbye to lovely FHG/Mia/Crystal and just jetted out there. I didn't even get a handjob out of the whole deal.

I have paid for this crazy escapade in several ways. First, I spent the night face down puking every half hour for the rest of the night. My glasses fell and got trampled by someone when they carried me into my buddy's home. I called my credit card company and I exceeded my card limit by $2000.

Plus.. FHG robbed me. I had $160 in my wallet. I checked my wallet the next day.. Sure enough: All money gone.

So I gladly accept the Jeff V award for Biggest Chump of 2008. The time was fun, FHG. But I'll never set foot in that club again.. for my own good. I should feel 'robbed'.. but somehow I don't. Hell, I'm not even mad at FHG. Damn fine girl. Ugh!

In 2009, I'm going to have to work... a lot. And better find good resourceful ways to make more money.

[McNutt]

Please, won't someone beat this story? I beg of you. Don't let this man win! I want more!!!

[Moliere]

Thank you for letting me live vicariously through your life and saving myself $3400 in the process. At least you have a story for the grand kids.

[noxiousdog]

TTIWWP

[Greggy_D]

As a filmmaker, surely you have a "Director's Cut" Alternate Ending?

[YellowKing]

Lap Dance.....$25
Two hours in the VIP room + 2 bottles of Crystal.....$3675
Having a story that will live in infamy forever........ PRICELESS

My only good strip club story was when my dad took me to a high-class one for my 21st birthday (as he had threatened to do since I was about 16).

He bought me lap dance after lap dance, and of course the girls were all over me because I was young, embarrassed as hell, and with my dad. One smoking hot blonde ended up sitting down at our table and was chatting me up big time. My dad bought me a couple more lap dances with her and she was definitely pushing the limits of the $25.

She tosses out the VIP invite, but my dad politely declines. We leave. As we're getting in the truck my dad says, "You know, she totally would have fucked you." I'm like, "Dammit, Dad, why didn't you tell me!!!" He replies, "Because I'm the one that would have had to pay for it!" I couldn't argue that point.

[Jag]

Great story! It was worth every dollar of the $3700 that I didn't spend.

[coopasonic]

So she sends AJ, the bouncer/ floor manager over and he tells me that for $1400 I can take her upstairs for one hour.

$1400 for an hour? I could have paid your whole tab 5 times over without going over limit on any one of my credit cards and still pay off the balance when the bill came, but I still wouldn't pay that. It sounds like you had the time of your life and a story to tell, but damn man. At least tell people you got a blow job or something.

Of course the next time someone offers to go upstairs with me for $500 I'll be thinking about what a great deal I'm getting.

[PR_GMR]

Great story! It was worth every dollar of the $3700 that I didn't spend.

You fucking bastage..

(PR hits his head on his keyboard)

Like I said.. I don't feel robbed...even though I *was* robbed! Her tits tasted like heaven covered in ice cream. I did.. eh.. finger her some.

[McNutt]

I wonder how much of that money she sees? Well, other than the $160. I'm sure she got 100% of that.

[PR_GMR]

At least tell people you got a blow job or something.

Nahh, I need to have the complete gestalt of the experience.. so I can have my lesson too. I'm not gonna 'Director's Cut' as GreggyD suggests. I'm just gonna leave it as that. 'The Studio cut the ending for me.. and that's why it's got a shitty ending'.

[PR_GMR]

I wonder how much of that money she sees? Well, other than the $160. I'm sure she got 100% of that.

I think she got half. And she kept suggesting me to tip AJ and the server girl. For god's sake, for $3700, I sure hope she got paid her half. She worked me good. It's gotta be a talent for a woman to be able to chump a man.

[Crux]

Yowsers. The only way I'm paying the first $1400 is if I know there's going to be a happy ending. For me.

[Ninyu]

Jesus Christ!!!

Dude - you could have had a pretty high class escort spend the night with you and bang you for $3700. You need to cut up your credit cards and get laid. That is about 2.5 of my mortgage payments you blew just so you could stick your finger in a girl.

[Mr. Fed]

Please, won't someone beat this story? I beg of you. Don't let this man win! I want more!!!

Mine is comparable, only it involves rings, considerably more money, and a span of 12+ years.

Kidding! Kidding! No! Oh, God, not the tire iron!

[coopasonic]

Please, won't someone beat this story? I beg of you. Don't let this man win! I want more!!!

Mine is comparable, only it involves rings, considerably more money, and a span of 12+ years.

Kidding! Kidding! No! Oh, God, not the tire iron!

Ya know being the completely irresponsible person I've historically been I was trying to think of when I've wasted that kind of cash that quickly and two things came to mind. The engagement ring I gave my wife and an alienware computer. At least I got a couple years of enjoyment out of the alienware.

I guess the day I drove my Lexus off the lot more money probably went up in smoke.

I've blown hundreds in a strip club before with little idea of where the money went, but I just have no experience of this scale.

[PR_GMR]

Jesus Christ!!!

Dude - you could have had a pretty high class escort spend the night with you and bang you for $3700. You need to cut up your credit cards and get laid. That is about 2.5 of my mortgage payments you blew just so you could stick your finger in a girl.

Totally Agree. For $1300 more, I could have fucked her and been totally ruined.

Mine is comparable, only it involves rings, considerably more money, and a span of 12+ years.

Kidding! Kidding! No! Oh, God, not the tire iron!

Hehehe. Believe me. This morning when the credit card called to confirm the charge, I finally felt the hit from the Stupid Truck. Then the truck backed up and dumped its cargo of Bullshit on me.

Someone do me a favor and post that JPG with the guy going 'What the Fuck happened?!'

[Jag]

Her tits tasted like heaven covered in ice cream.

For the price of a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a cheap whore, you could have had the same thing.

[McNutt]

For $1300 more, I could have fucked her and been totally ruined.

Hmm, not sure about that. I've never taken a stripper up on their offer to go upstairs or whatnot, but from my friends who have it seems there are girls that will do anything and there are those that really know how to work guys. It sounds like this girl would have gladly taken your $5000 and gone a bit farther than she did earlier, but still no sex. Sorta like the Nigerian email scam where you keep thinking "if I spend just a little bit more all my dreams will come true."

[Remus West]

and just like that LM spending my entire rent check on a night out no longer seems to be the worst (read funniest) thing ever.

[The Meal]

..me!!!!

SRSLY!?! Aw, man...

[yossar]

You must have had blue balls the size of cantaloupes.

[PR_GMR]

For $1300 more, I could have fucked her and been totally ruined.

Hmm, not sure about that. I've never taken a stripper up on their offer to go upstairs or whatnot, but from my friends who have it seems there are girls that will do anything and there are those that really know how to work guys. It sounds like this girl would have gladly taken your $5000 and gone a bit farther than she did earlier, but still no sex. Sorta like the Nigerian email scam where you keep thinking "if I spend just a little bit more all my dreams will come true."

Chris Rock was right.

There is no sex in the Champagne Room.

[hepcat]

About 6 years ago I went to Paris with an old college buddy . On our first night there we ended up in the Pigalle quarter.

For anyone who hasn't seen Moulin Rouge or read any stories about France by Hemingway or Stein, this is a rather sleazy district that specializes in separating tourists from their cash...ESPECIALLY male tourists. One of the primary ways they do this is through what they call "champagne clubs".

The routine goes like this: guy goes into rather innocuous looking bar with what appears to be an inordinate female to male ratio of something like 2352 to 1. Guy sits down and is immediately treated like the King of Sexyville. Waiter will appear and tell you in rushed French that you need to order a bottle of champagne. What he doesn't tell you is that each bottle costs like 500 dollars or so, and that each bottle buys you an hour with one of the girls in a basement room or some other out of the way spot.

So there we were, stupid and single in the country of romance. My friend immediately hooked up with some french girl at a nightclub (it doesn't hurt that the guy looks like friggin' James Dean) and off they went back to her place after getting assurances from me that I'd be okay. I drank another beer or 12 and finally decided to head back to the hotel around 3am. Unfortunately, the path I chose took me directly past one of the aforementioned champagne clubs.

Let me just say that any of you guys who could possibly resist beautiful women yelling out to you from a doorway of what looks like a nice, friendly little pub is either married or still ticked off about prop 8 (well, that's not entirely fair as I'm actually still ticked off about prop 8...but I digress). So in I went. I ordered a beer at the bar and then grabbed a seat on a nearby couch. After approximately .12 milliseconds, I was covered by about 4 gorgeous women cooing into my ear and telling me how great my hair was...something that I honestly didn't need THEM to tell me, but still nice to hear.

That's when the waiter appeared. He mumbled something in French that could have been orders for me to hand over my gall bladder for an illegal organ harvest for all I knew. Of course, I handled it the way any guy with 4 hot women on his arms and about 7 drinks in his stomach would....I nodded so aggressively that my chin actually caught fire from the friction.

That's when the first bottle of champagne showed up. The girls downed it in rather quick order, then the second bottle arrived...and a third...then a fourth...and finally the fifth. At this point a large, good looking Frenchman sits down next to me and leans over. He whispers in my ear in perfect English, "I need you to pay now before you go downstairs with the girls.".

Thinking there was some sort of mistake, I blurted out something like, "huh?".

He repeated himself...then added that the bill was around 2 grand total.

Now, for those of you not familiar with the classic "spit take" let me explain: it's a vaudeville era comedic reaction to extraordinary news. Basically, you spit whatever is in your mouth into the air in an exaggerated gesture of disbelief.

I performed at that moment the single greatest spit take ever performed by a man.

I covered 2 of the 4 girls and most of the waiter who had the misfortune of being within 3 miles of me.

Then I gathered my wits together and replied, "HUH?".

At this point, Gustave (I call him that every time I tell this story because his real name was "Michel" and I always worry that folks will think I was deathly afraid of a woman named "Michelle"...which, in all honesty, would probably turn out to be true if that were the case) asks me very politely, "Do you HAVE 2000 dollars american?"

I told him all I had was about 150 U.S. dollars and my American Express.

"Ah, American Express! Good, good...that will do." he tells me. "I will take you to a money machine and you can get cash."

The only problem with Gustave/Michel's plan is that I've never taken a cash advance on a credit card and don't know how to do this. In hindsight, I probably should have told him this right away. But I was terrified. I honestly thought the guy was going to kill me.

So off we went in his tiny car. We drove around for about 10 minutes until we found an ATM that was actually on the street and not in a locked up bank lobby. I hop out and start weighing the pros and cons of running for my life, shrieking like a banshee and yelling for my mommy. The cons won out though and I went through the effort of trying to get money out of my account.

This effort failed, though. I had no idea how to do this (I think you need to set up your account to be able to get cash withdrawals, which is something I've neither needed nor wanted to do) and eventually my tormentor just ushered me back into the car and drove me back to the bar.

As I stood there in the now empty room, he started arguing with the bartender in french and gesturing towards me every few minutes.

I was, to put it mildly, terrified. I honestly thought these guys were french mafia. I was so scared that after about 3 minutes of this I upchucked all over the floor...and Michel's shoes.

He spun around and grabbed me by the throat and told me in no uncertain terms that his shoes cost more than my tab. I think at that moment he understood that I was WAY over my head in this situation. He let me go, grabbed my wallet out of my jacket, took my 150 dollars and told me he didn't want to see me within a mile of Pigalle for the rest of my visit (a promise I gladly upheld). Then he pushed me out the door into the early morning light.

I practically sprinted the entire 3 or 4 miles it was back to the hotel (I had no money for the metro).

When I told my friend about the ordeal, his only reply?

"What kind of shoes were they?"

[McNutt]

Funny stuff

Ha! I wish I could have seen that spit take.

[PR_GMR]

Funny stuff

Ha! I wish I could have seen that spit take.

Yes, indeedy. Funny stuff, indeedy.

Hepcat, I still beat you, though. But you may join me in the Chump Club.

[YellowKing]

Dude - you could have had a pretty high class escort spend the night with you and bang you for $3700. You need to cut up your credit cards and get laid. That is about 2.5 of my mortgage payments you blew just so you could stick your finger in a girl.

ROFL. PR_GMR, God love you. You have provided a thread of bountiful amusement. This will be one of those posts where the replies will be as funny as the story.



Seriously though, for $3700 you could have come over and screwed my wife.

[Bakhtosh]

You would have even supplied the ice cream...

And there is no sex in the Chump Club.

[hepcat]

Funny stuff

Ha! I wish I could have seen that spit take.

Yes, indeedy. Funny stuff, indeedy.

Hepcat, I still beat you, though. But you may join me in the Chump Club.

I was just trying to make you feel better...although I managed to use my extraordinary powers of cowardice to escape the larger bill.

Did you even try crying like a little girl in order to get out of that tab? I could help you. The key is to almost choke while sobbing. It lends that extra "oomph" that says "Yep...I'm no longer even trying to be masculine.".

[Isgrimnur]

I don't know why, but I don't enjoy myself when I go (get dragged) to the clubs. I can get drunk cheaper somewhere (anywhere) else. And my low self esteem makes adequately sure that I am aware that I am nothing more than a walking dollar sign as soon as I walk in the door.

While I enjoyed the story from a schadenfreude aspect, I'm sorry to hear that you wound up with such a deep financial hole because of it.

[hepcat]

I don't know why, but I don't enjoy myself when I go (get dragged) to the clubs.

An old friend of mine had the greatest retort when we tried to drag him to a strip club years ago:

"Why in god's name would you SHOW a starving man a buffet?"

[PR_GMR]

Seriously though, for $3700 you could have come over and screwed my wife.

Say What?!!

FHG was Bi too. She was telling me stories about other girls she likes to get it on with. God knows what doors could have opened.. if only...

was just trying to make you feel better...although I managed to use my extraordinary powers of cowardice to escape the larger bill.

Did you even try crying like a little girl in order to get out of that tab? I could help you. The key is to almost choke while sobbing. It lends that extra "oomph" that says "Yep...I'm no longer even trying to be masculine.".

The thought did cross my mind on Sunday.. that the Hustler would send a copy of burly men to break my kneecaps. Because it turned out that they maxed the card I gave them. I didn't think they got the whole amount. The credit card company told me otherwise this morning. They got every penny.

[coopasonic]

I was just trying to make you feel better...although I managed to use my extraordinary powers of cowardice to escape the larger bill.

Did you even try crying like a little girl in order to get out of that tab?

He was in Baltimore. One more body in the gutter wasn't going to raise any suspicions. In your case hepcat, Gustav/Michel was arguing with the bartender over terms of their surrender. I think it would have been a different story for PR.

[CSL]

I expect to see some good deals in the Trading forum after this.

[PR_GMR]

I was just trying to make you feel better...although I managed to use my extraordinary powers of cowardice to escape the larger bill.

Did you even try crying like a little girl in order to get out of that tab?

He was in Baltimore. One more body in the gutter wasn't going to raise any suspicions. In your case hepcat, Gustav/Michel was arguing with the bartender over terms of their surrender. I think it would have been a different story for PR.

Agreed. This is Baltimore. I would have ended up as a third story in an episode of 'The Wire'.

[McNutt]

FHG was Bi too. She was telling me stories about other girls she likes to get it on with. God knows what doors could have opened.. if only...

Definite scam. She was telling you what she thought would make you spend more money. She only likes to get it on with Ben Franklin.

[Chaz]

The difference between PR's story and hepcat's is that PR spent $3700 to essentially relive his senior prom night. Hepcat almost spent $2000, and it sounded like he was going to get the full service from four French whores for an hour. Now, forgetting that he didn't actually spend the money, that seems like a much better expenditure to me.

Unfortunately, I got nothing to add, but I hope that this thread becomes epic.

[hepcat]

I was just trying to make you feel better...although I managed to use my extraordinary powers of cowardice to escape the larger bill.

Did you even try crying like a little girl in order to get out of that tab?

He was in Baltimore. One more body in the gutter wasn't going to raise any suspicions. In your case hepcat, Gustav/Michel was arguing with the bartender over terms of their surrender. I think it would have been a different story for PR.

Yes...a 36 year old (at that time) man throwing up on your floor while rocking back and forth on the heels of shoes in terror immediately causes thoughts of surrender to enter a viewer's mind.

I think even the french would find their backbone when faced with my demeanor that night.

Hepcat almost spent $2000, and it sounded like he was going to get the full service from four French whores for an hour

what i think people are missing is the hilariousness of the fact that i was so drunk and naive that I honestly thought i was doing well with the ladies...

[Unagi]

Ouch.
A $3000 memory.

Does your finger still smell?

[coopasonic]

They were discussing surrender but when you threw up they decided they could take you.