Phrases that make your blood run cold

[Bakhtosh]

You get a text that says: "I'm Late"

Wife says: "So, I was going through your cell phone today...who's late?"

Time to grab the keys to the Escalade and get out of Dodge.

[dbt1949]

"We just had three kids left in our back yard and we have to take care of one of them in the house for the next three months."

[Isgrimnur]

A colleague in another department dropped, "I have issues with you," right before an important meeting that also contains multiple other departments and my CIO. The guy's known to be a joker, but after the meeting when he told me that he was messing with me that he managed to land on one of my buttons with both feet and I would greatly appreciate it if he didn't do it again.

[coopasonic]

Is Pepsi OK?

[Z-Corn]

"My bad!"

The least fucking sincere way to apologize there is. Sounds like baby talk and it always comes from dipshits who really don't think they ever do anything wrong.

[Kraken]

Stop calling your pets "fur babies."

[sgoldj]

“Hello”

[dbt1949]

Trial of cop in Arizona........"Not Guilty".

[Kurth]

"Active Shooter," because (1) when people are using it, something terrible is usually happening; and (2) it is the stupidest phrase known to man. It makes absolutely no sense. If he's a shooter, then he's active. If he's no longer active, then he's no longer a shooter. Just stupid, stupid jargon.

[Punisher]

Is Pepsi OK?

Is Coke OK?

[Jaymann]

Y'all want sweet tea?

[tgb]

"Make America great again."

[Zenn7]

Can I get a status update on <project>?

(NO... we will all be able to get it done MUCH faster is you stop BLOODY phoning me all the bloody time!)

I had a project once (my job is lots of short projects that usually only take a couple days, working on multiple jobs at a time). Every 20 minutes or so one of 3 people would email me asking if there was any status update (didn't include each other, rotated). Finally, I replied to one of them "Yes." and nothing more in my reply.

Let her boss know she might be a little PO'd at me and explained why. Her boss found it amusing.

[dbt1949]

" I know a guy that's even bigger than you!"

[tjg_marantz]

" I know a guy that's even bigger than you!"

That's rude of your wife.

[dbt1949]

And my so called friends too.

[tgb]

This call may be recorded for quality purposes.

[Daehawk]

When I was young..... "Get up, its time for school"

[Max Peck]

"Invasive procedure."

[rshetts2]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you.......The President of the United States"

[Lassr]

Is Pepsi OK?

I agree.

Walked into a new restaurant this week, "Wayback Burgers" and saw the Pepsi Soda Fountain and my response was, "Well Shit."
Burgers were really good though.

[Lassr]

"We need to talk."

Rarely anything good comes after that one.

[raydude]

"Maybe Putin is right."

[tgb]

"Is your car the______________?" (Fill in the blank with your color, make & model)

[Paingod]

"Before we schedule this meeting , you might want to check in with the owners group to make sure it's a good use of time..."

Said by an Operations Manager. The meeting is with the senior staff, to review a project I've been working on for months, to establish if we're ready to move into the next phase and ramp up user testing to get acceptance of a new core app to run the business.

Still waiting for one of the four owners to say taking the next steps in a large project "a good use of time" for senior staff. Whatever the hell that means. I hate people dropping cryptic hints that impact large scale projects.

[Vorret]

when you get invited to a meeting at 4h45pm on a Friday.
Happend a few months ago I was convinced I was losing my job and nope, it was something 100% work related that wasn't important at all and took minutes.

But from the time I received the invitation to the actual meeting I was completely stressed out, told my boss to never ever to that again and she went "uh? Ohhhh!"

[dbt1949]

As I'm standing in line at the induction center.............."Next!"

[Jaymann]

when you get invited to a meeting at 4h45pm on a Friday.

I used to get those all the time, our name for it was Bed Check. They were never about anything, just a last ditch attempt to suck more life out of us before the weekend.

[LawBeefaroni]

Stop calling your pets "fur babies."

You don't like it when people tell you that?

[Punisher]

As I'm standing in line at the induction center.............."Next!"

That reminded me of one..
At basic, right after getting my shot in my butt.. "Oh...I'm so sorry!" Turns out the needle broke...in me.. without getting the full injection.. They had to do it again.. Must have been my buns of non-steel..

[em2nought]

I'm getting to the point with my mother that if she hovers anywhere near me I preemptively ask "What do we have to talk about now?"

The other one I really hate is "Can we search your vehicle?" from a country bumpkin corrupt Barney Fife.

[paulbaxter]

Anytime a surgeon, while in the middle of an operation, says "oops..."

After spending this whole year in the OR, I can assure you they are more likely to say "fuck!"

[tgb]

Anytime a surgeon, while in the middle of an operation, says "oops..."

After spending this whole year in the OR, I can assure you they are more likely to say "fuck!"

Last year I was in the hospital for a hernia repair when I picked up a massive infection in my arm, that kept me there an extra two weeks. At one point my forearm turned bright red and swelled up like a balloon. I looked like Popeye (except for the tattoo and the redness).

One day the cardiologist came by for a routine exam. When he saw my arm he said "Holy shit ! What the fuck happened to YOU?".

Not something you want to hear from a doctor.

[Biyobi]

Every January: "Okay, let's open the credit card bill."

[Udar4450]

I have graduated from university years ago, but "dude, have you brought [insert unheard of homework here]? It was to be done today" is still something I hear in nightmares.

[Chaz]

Once you buy a house:

When everyone is sitting in the same room, "Is there water running somewhere?" Or the more general "What's that noise?"