[WTF] I'm guessing he chose Swiss for the comfort factor?

[hepcat]

Swiss Cheese Pervert terrorizes the city of brotherly love...with a new kind of love. A forbidden love. An un-whole-ly love.

The Mayfair Town Watch reported yesterday on its Facebook page that the "Swiss Cheese Pervert" has been terrorizing neighborhood women.

According to the group, the suspect, a heavyset white man estimated to be in his late 40s or early 50s, approaches women while driving a silver or black sedan with his genitals exposed. He then displays a piece of sliced Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to put the cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him using it.

I'm sure all our male Philly members will swear they're gouda men.

[LawBeefaroni]

Does it say how much he is offering?

[hepcat]

I would imagine a lifetime of therapy?

[stimpy]

Suspect?

[LawBeefaroni]

Free therapy? And free swiss cheese?





Also, love how the news link url is "diary-products-facebook-page...". They're seriously keywording that for "dairy products"?

In July 2012, Chest, then 19 and having just broken up with her boyfriend, created a profile on the dating website OkCupid.

Within days, she said, she was contacted by a "really strange guy," who sent her a private message that detailed a very specific request.

"He said he was looking for someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese," Chest said. "He kept saying how strong his urges were and how desperate he was to find someone to help him with them."

An excerpt from that message, which Chest sent the Daily News, details the origin of the man's self-described "fetish."

"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more," he wrote.

"That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

DeFelice is hopeful that the neighborhood's town watch, which he called the city's best, can lead police to catching the "Swiss Cheese Pervert."

"If they have a bead on him, I have faith," he said. "I hope he gets cheese sandwiches in prison."

So the woman recognizes him from an OK Cupid profile and has a private message from him, and yet the go-to for catching the guy is the neighborhood watch?

[Covenant72]

[hepcat]

That's the wrong head.

[Remus West]

I'm a little disturb that you seem familiar with the relative comfort values of the differing cheese types.

[YellowKing]

I walked down the dingy street, looking for someone to satisfy my cravings. There was no doubt I could find a girl in this part of town, but it was going to cost me a lot of cheddar. Suddenly, I saw a promising looking bird milking the damsel in distress angle for all it was worth.

"Where you from, doll?" I asked.

"I'm from Monterey, Jack" she replied.

"Oh yeah? You look down on your luck. Why so Blue?"

"Just feeling a bit sent-Emmental," she replied. "You know, old story - guy comes in, sweeps you off your Feta, then leaves you hanging in the Bries."

"Sorry to hear that, hon. He sounds like a Munster."

"Ah, I don't really give Edam anymore. It's ancient history."

"Nacho problem anymore, huh? I can see behind that tough act. I've got something to take your mind off that jerk. You ever played Truth or Dairy?"

Turns out, she hadn't, and wasn't willing to learn. She let out a scream that curdled my blood, so I ran a whey. Next time I'll have to Kraft a better introduction.

[coopasonic]

[Smoove_B]

Driving around and looking for dates? I really thought that was more of a cottage industry.

[MHS]

And this is why I love OO.

[LawBeefaroni]

I walked down the dingy street, looking for someone to satisfy my cravings. There was no doubt I could find a girl in this part of town, but it was going to cost me a lot of cheddar. Suddenly, I saw a promising looking bird milking the damsel in distress angle for all it was worth.

"Where you from, doll?" I asked.

"I'm from Monterey, Jack" she replied.

"Oh yeah? You look down on your luck. Why so Blue?"

"Just feeling a bit sent-Emmental," she replied. "You know, old story - guy comes in, sweeps you off your Feta, then leaves you hanging in the Bries."

"Sorry to hear that, hon. He sounds like a Munster."

"Ah, I don't really give Edam anymore. It's ancient history."

"Nacho problem anymore, huh? I can see behind that tough act. I've got something to take your mind off that jerk. You ever played Truth or Dairy?"

Turns out, she hadn't, and wasn't willing to learn. She let out a scream that curdled my blood, so I ran a whey. Next time I'll have to Kraft a better introduction.

That's one colby otch.

[coopasonic]

Driving around and looking for dates? I really thought that was more of a cottage industry.

Ugh, so cheesy.

[Scuzz]

is a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich made with swiss?

[Markstrink]

is a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich made with swiss?

Not if it's a real philly cheese steak. Cheez-whiz.

[Holman]

The Mayfair Town Watch reported yesterday on its Facebook page that the "Swiss Cheese Pervert" has been terrorizing neighborhood women.

Swiss? He must be from out of town.

[Smoove_B]

Not if it's a real philly cheese steak. Cheez-whiz.

Yeah, liquid cheese warmed slowly in a double-boiler so it's all soft and tepid - easily spread over two luscious buns...

[Default]

"Heavyset"???

[hepcat]

The suspect's facebook page shows he's clearly overcompensating.



The original sketch artist image that the police released was a bit off though. I'm sure they're more than a little embarrassed by this.



I'm worried that if the cops DO catch him, that he'll have switched to Provolone. When they show the victims a line up, they'll of course choose Swiss and he'll be exonerated.

[Isgrimnur]

Too bad he doesn't have a foot fetish, too. That would be leg-end-dairy.

[LawBeefaroni]

Too bad he doesn't have a foot fetish, too. That would be leg-end-dairy.

And with that, Rex Ryan breathes a sigh of relief as he's not called off the bench.

[Isgrimnur]

I was completely unaware that the first Google suggested search when I typed in 'Rex Ryan' would be 'foot fetish'. I'm not following that rabbit hole any deeper.

[PLW]

I'll just put this here. Mildly (Sharply?) NSFW

Spoiler:

[Daehawk]

nsfw

Spoiler: