I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Colonoscopy

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 8:56 am

(Warning - do not read if you're eating or have a weak stomach)

Scheduled for 7:30 AM today. Yesterday was prep day, which is the best part.

If you're young enough to not have gone through this wonderful procedure yet, allow me to explain. The colonoscopy itself isn't too bad, since they get you pretty doped up, but prep day is when the magic happens.

First of all, you're not allowed any solid food. Just clear liquids (water, white grape or cranberry juice, broth, jello (any color other than red or purple) and black coffee or tea (yeah, I don't understand that last part either). All I had to eat yesterday was a cup of black coffee when I woke up, some chicken broth for lunch, and a little lime jello a couple of times throughout the day. Hunger isn't an issue, however.

That's because starting about 8AM you have to drink an 8 oz. glass of water (or other clear liquid) every hour, and start taking over-the-counter laxatives. Up until the damn bursts, so to speak, you're so bloated that the idea of getting something to eat is actually repulsive.

Depending on how long it's been since your last one (or if it's your first) the doctor will probably prescribe some industrial-strength laxative to start taking in the evening. I got 4 liters of this stuff and had to start drinking it at 5PM, having an 8-oz glass every ten minutes. Every. Ten. Minutes. Even pushing the time back to 15, that gave me just enough time to finish a glass before going to the bathroom again.

Anyway, I was on the throne pretty much continuously from 1:30-8:30 yesterday, but by the time I was done I was clean as the proverbial whistle. I feel pretty good (and about 5 pounds lighter) this morning, but can't eat anything at all until after the procedure, and I'm ravenous.

The good part is I found that 1947 Indian head penny I swallowed when I was 3.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:06 am

Good luck sir. Does Hallmark even make a card for this type of thing?

YellowKing · Post by **YellowKing** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:07 am

I was reading about some technology that didn't require you to go through all this stuff, so I'm hoping by the time I'm REQUIRED to get one, they'll have the futuristic magic figured out.

rshetts2 · Post by **rshetts2** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 9:31 am

Ah yes, the wonderful colonoscopy prep that I fondly refer to as "Flu in a bottle" Just slap on a playlist that includes Riding the Storm Out and It Keeps You Running and youre good to go.

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:00 am

YellowKing wrote:I was reading about some technology that didn't require you to go through all this stuff, so I'm hoping by the time I'm REQUIRED to get one, they'll have the futuristic magic figured out.

Transporters ftw.

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:01 am

In my case the prep was nothing compared to the pain of the procedure and getting a hernia from the botched procedure afterwards.
At least the VA fixed the hernia too a couple of months later.
I may die of colon cancer or something but I'll never have a colonoscopy again.

AWS260 · Post by **AWS260** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:04 am

Smoove_B wrote:Good luck sir. Does Hallmark even make a card for this type of thing?

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:08 am

dbt1949 wrote:In my case the prep was nothing compared to the pain of the procedure and getting a hernia from the botched procedure afterwards.

They don't use leeches any more.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:08 am

I didn't have to take any OTC laxatives, I had to guzzle 3 quarts of something called "Moviprep" that was reminiscent of Tang with an entire salt shaker thrown in. And lots of water. The day before truly was worse than the day of. I'm hoping there is much progress in this field over the next 10 years (when I get to do it again, hooray!)

It was the first time I was ever put out for anything. I was talking with the nurse, then suddenly she was gone. Then I realized I was suddenly facing the other way. Then I farted.

Only then did I begin to realize it was done, and I hadn't known it even started.

hentzau · Post by **hentzau** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:17 am

I had one where I was awake for the whole procedure. It was kind of fascinating...I didn't really feel anything, I was doped up enough for that, but I did experience some cramping-type pain when they inflated the intestine with air. But the doctor explained the whole thing for me, and they moved the screen around so that I could see what they were looking at and he could give me a "guided tour" so to speak.

Cortilian · Post by **Cortilian** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:19 am

My wife does 5-6 of these a day, 6 days a week (along with a bunch of other procedures). Every now and then dinner will start with "guess what we found today".

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:26 am

I cant help laughing at this thread. Good luck on the scoping. Make sure no monkey is involved.

My mom had these but that was the 80's and she ..umm...disliked them. I hear they are way easy or easier now. But Im stupid. I ...according to mom...was supposed to have one at age 30. That was 16 years ago. Its always in the back of my head when I go to the bathroom or have a bowel thing. I really should do it but I dont. It may kill me of my stupidity.

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 10:26 am

tgb wrote:
dbt1949 wrote:In my case the prep was nothing compared to the pain of the procedure and getting a hernia from the botched procedure afterwards.
They don't use leeches any more.

And you haven't visited the VA lately.

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 11:52 am

Cortilian wrote:My wife does 5-6 of these a day, 6 days a week (along with a bunch of other procedures). Every now and then dinner will start with "guess what we found today".

You should probably add that she's a doctor, nurse or some other health technician. Otherwise...good lord, that poor woman.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:02 pm

hepcat wrote:
Cortilian wrote:My wife does 5-6 of these a day, 6 days a week (along with a bunch of other procedures). Every now and then dinner will start with "guess what we found today".
You should probably add that she's a doctor, nurse or some other health technician. Otherwise...good lord, that poor woman.

Hey now, everyone has to have a hobby. Some just seem strange to the rest of us.

killbot737 · Post by **killbot737** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:12 pm

When is the last time you ate corn? Because they are guaranteed to find some. Also the 40 pounds of undigested meat in every American's colon.

MHS · Post by **MHS** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:23 pm

hentzau wrote:I had one where I was awake for the whole procedure. It was kind of fascinating...I didn't really feel anything, I was doped up enough for that, but I did experience some cramping-type pain when they inflated the intestine with air. But the doctor explained the whole thing for me, and they moved the screen around so that I could see what they were looking at and he could give me a "guided tour" so to speak.

Yup, I was awake for my first one too. I was on morphine at the time though, so I don't really remember much except a bunch of pink and red-greyish blurs on the screen.

YellowKing · Post by **YellowKing** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:28 pm

With no family history, they recommend starting at age 50. Which gives science 9 years to invent a non-invasive method for me that doesn't require tubes in my hiney hole. GO SCIENCE!

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:29 pm

I worked on a project once setting up a new operating room with various web-cam enabled devices that could transmit images to an adjacent lecture center. I still have nightmares when I recall that endoscope...

MonkeyFinger · Post by **MonkeyFinger** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:52 pm

For me the worst part was the prep, that damn Moviprep was the most gawd awful tasting crap - never mind that it turns you into a rocket ship. The actual scoping was a non-event that I was awake for the whole time. I had no idea it had even started until they showed me the screen for the 'Guided Tour'.

Funny part was sitting around 'recovering' which basically just meant farting for the nice nurse. "This will be the only time in your life a woman will ask you to fart". Until the next time, I guess. I could hear other folks going through the same thing although some of them were pretty out of it. "<groan> Mr. Smith, do you know where you are? Can you <pffffffffffttttttttt> Ah, very good Mr. Smith".

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:55 pm

MonkeyFinger wrote:For me the worst part was the prep, that damn Moviprep was the most gawd awful tasting crap - never mind that it turns you into a rocket ship. The actual scoping was a non-event that I was awake for the whole time. I had no idea it had even started until they showed me the screen for the 'Guided Tour'.

Funny part was sitting around 'recovering' which basically just meant farting for the nice nurse. "This will be the only time in your life a woman will ask you to fart". Until the next time, I guess. I could hear other folks going through the same thing although some of them were pretty out of it. "<groan> Mr. Smith, do you know where you are? Can you <pffffffffffttttttttt> Ah, very good Mr. Smith".

[queue Cheech and Chong from Up In Smoke].

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:03 pm

"<groan> Mr. Smith, do you know where you are? Can you <pffffffffffttttttttt> Ah, very good Mr. Smith".

LOL.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:07 pm

I've been through two 'scopes now. The first time they found and removed some polyps, so I was supposed to go back within three years. However, they also screwed up the billing; the insurance company got the impression that I'd had two colonoscopies in one day. Ended up costing me $800 -- the 'scope itself was covered 100% but the removal and biopsy were not. So I didn't go back until I started seeing some blood in my stool early this year.

Second one came back clean, so I'm off the hook for five years this time.

My prep wasn't as rigorous as what tgb described with all that water-drinking, but it was still miserable enough. You're supposed to drink that last bottle of colon blow two hours before the procedure. Since mine was at 8 am that meant getting up at 5:30 to guzzle 12 oz of pure nasty, and my empty bowels were still rumbly when they put me under.

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:16 pm

I'm home. They found one polyp, which was benign, and the Dr. said "See you in 5 years", so I guess he wasn't concerned about it. Both the nurse and the anesthesiologist gave me a complete run-down of the procedure before hand. They did knock me out, but it was explained to me that even numb, people awake tend to reflexively move around sometimes.

I let out a particularly loud fart for my first, and from the other side of the curtain I heard someone (I think the anesthesiologist) call out "Speak to me, mighty toothless one!"

Lassr · Post by **Lassr** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:28 pm

YellowKing wrote:With no family history, they recommend starting at age 50. Which gives science 9 years to invent a non-invasive method for me that doesn't require tubes in my hiney hole. GO SCIENCE!

Yep, I will get my first one next year. [sarcasm]oooo, can't wait[/sarcasm]

My wife has one Friday, she is starting her lite diet today. She has Crohn's so she has to have one every few years.

LawBeefaroni · Post by **LawBeefaroni** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:35 pm

Jeff V wrote:I didn't have to take any OTC laxatives, I had to guzzle 3 quarts of something called "Moviprep" that was reminiscent of Tang with an entire salt shaker thrown in. And lots of water. The day before truly was worse than the day of. I'm hoping there is much progress in this field over the next 10 years (when I get to do it again, hooray!)

Wait, so Moviprep isn't like Red Bull for moviegoers? It isn't meant to enhance the 3D experience? Shit, that explains a lot.

MonkeyFinger · Post by **MonkeyFinger** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:42 pm

LawBeefaroni wrote:
Jeff V wrote:I didn't have to take any OTC laxatives, I had to guzzle 3 quarts of something called "Moviprep" that was reminiscent of Tang with an entire salt shaker thrown in. And lots of water. The day before truly was worse than the day of. I'm hoping there is much progress in this field over the next 10 years (when I get to do it again, hooray!)
Wait, so Moviprep isn't like Red Bull for moviegoers? It isn't meant to enhance the 3D experience? Shit, that explains a lot.

Emphasis on the 'shit' part.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 1:44 pm

LawBeefaroni wrote:
Jeff V wrote:I didn't have to take any OTC laxatives, I had to guzzle 3 quarts of something called "Moviprep" that was reminiscent of Tang with an entire salt shaker thrown in. And lots of water. The day before truly was worse than the day of. I'm hoping there is much progress in this field over the next 10 years (when I get to do it again, hooray!)
Wait, so Moviprep isn't like Red Bull for moviegoers? It isn't meant to enhance the 3D experience? Shit, that explains a lot.

Yep, it explains your tireless crusade to have small screens mounted in the stalls at Loews.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:07 pm

There is a comedian....forget the guys name....who refers to the prep as "the night of a thousand waterfalls".

I have a friend who was awake thru his, he says that will never happen again.

I haven't had one. No family history and my doctors haven't recommended one. I think they are the test du jour. I know, I should get one. But you know the odds of the doctor nicking you and causing a problem isn't that much less than him actually finding a real problem?

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 2:41 pm

Scuzz wrote:But you know the odds of the doctor nicking you and causing a problem isn't that much less than him actually finding a real problem?

My grandmother died from colon cancer and it was a miserable existence for her up until her body finally gave out (IIRC it was about 8 months after discovery and terminal diagnosis). Regardless, if they find something during the procedure, I think five year survivor rates are hovering around 90% - which is pretty damn impressive. The idea that with a relatively simple procedure she might have lived another 20+ years to see me graduate high school and maybe get married is something I find terribly depressing.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 3:11 pm

Smoove_B wrote:
Scuzz wrote:But you know the odds of the doctor nicking you and causing a problem isn't that much less than him actually finding a real problem?
My grandmother died from colon cancer and it was a miserable existence for her up until her body finally gave out (IIRC it was about 8 months after discovery and terminal diagnosis). Regardless, if they find something during the procedure, I think five year survivor rates are hovering around 90% - which is pretty damn impressive. The idea that with a relatively simple procedure she might have lived another 20+ years to see me graduate high school and maybe get married is something I find terribly depressing.

Was there a family history?

I know my dad had prostate cancer but it was a very slow acting cancer (which I guess is common with some prostate cancers) and he basically lived with it for years until he died of heart failure at 89. But other than that there is no history of cancers in my family.

And again, I know I should get it done.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 3:22 pm

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer nearly a year after the prep almost killed him. All of the fluid he drank backed up into his lungs when he was in bed; he wound up on a ventilator for 10 days and about half the doctors were advising to pull the plug and give up. They considered the 10th day the last reasonable chance that he could live without the machine, and he did it. What he didn't do again was sleep in a bed -- he slept sitting up on the couch for the last 8 years of his life while mom slept alone. When he finally had the colonoscopy nearly a year later, I was waiting in the car, listening to music and reading when I got a call from the doctor. He told me dad had colon cancer, and was adamant that my brothers and I all get tested at once (we took it under advisement but neither myself nor the next-oldest sibling acted on it until our doctors ordered it done). He went through the chemo regimen and was declared cured of that. It's unclear though whether that would have got him before the respiratory disease that did him in would have.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 3:34 pm

Scuzz wrote:Was there a family history?

Unknown, but my guess is no. My grandmother left mother Russia as a little girl to travel to the United States with my great grandmother. She was having signs and symptoms that something wasn't right, but she just ignored them hoping it would get better (it didn't). Went through chemo, radiation and a colostomy; didn't matter. I am guessing it's totally not a fun experience, but after seeing her waste away like that it really left an impression on me. The idea that it could all be potentially avoided seems like a no-brainer to me but I can appreciate that if you (collective) don't have a perspective or family member that died of colon cancer it might not seem like a big deal to go and get the test.

Jag · Post by **Jag** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 4:01 pm

killbot737 wrote:When is the last time you ate corn? Because they are guaranteed to find some. Also the 40 pounds of undigested meat in every American's colon.

That's really the only upside of the prep. It's a forced cleanse. I have a digestive disorder, so I need an exam every 3 years. I've had 4 I think so far and they don't get any easier. The prep is a nightmare, but it is nice to know that you have a clean bill of health.

My last one was this past summer and a few months later I was having severe colon pain. I went for a CT and my doc found diverticulitis. I was like, didn't you see that when you were camped out in my colon!

Z-Corn · Post by **Z-Corn** » Wed Nov 11, 2015 8:33 pm

killbot737 wrote:When is the last time you ate corn? Because they are guaranteed to find some. Also the 40 pounds of undigested meat in every American's colon.

"Why do you think they called him 'The Duke'?" - Johnny Knoxville

I took my younger sister to get her colonoscopy since she wasn't gonna be able to drive afterward. The after-procedure farting was a HIGHLIGHT of my day...my month...my fuckin' YEAR!

Pretty sure they booted us out early because we were laughing so hard...

Post by **godhugh** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 12:10 am

Amateurs. Given that I have Crohn's Disease, I've had about 10 colonoscopy's so far and generally have to get them every 2-3 years for the rest of my life. I've got this shit down to a science. Buy a big pack of bubblegum, slam a glass of the prep, and then chew the gum until it's time for your next glass. It gets rid of the taste and helps you digest, resulting in a somewhat easier prep.

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:46 am

godhugh wrote:Amateurs. Given that I have Crohn's Disease, I've had about 10 colonoscopy's so far and generally have to get them every 2-3 years for the rest of my life. I've got this shit down to a science. Buy a big pack of bubblegum, slam a glass of the prep, and then chew the gum until it's time for your next glass. It gets rid of the taste and helps you digest, resulting in a somewhat easier prep.

But then when you're out you have to go and kick someone's ass.

Jag · Post by **Jag** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:25 am

godhugh wrote:Amateurs. Given that I have Crohn's Disease, I've had about 10 colonoscopy's so far and generally have to get them every 2-3 years for the rest of my life. I've got this shit down to a science. Buy a big pack of bubblegum, slam a glass of the prep, and then chew the gum until it's time for your next glass. It gets rid of the taste and helps you digest, resulting in a somewhat easier prep.

I may message your for more tips when my next one is up, Oh Wise Master

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:33 am

When I got out of the procedure room I had to sit with about two dozen other olde men and we all sit around farting for an hour before we could go home.
I always wonder if the people working in that room were being punished for some hideous deed.

GreenGoo · Post by **GreenGoo** » Thu Nov 12, 2015 12:52 pm

dbt1949 wrote:When I got out of the procedure room I had to sit with about two dozen other olde men and we all sit around farting for an hour before we could go home.
I always wonder if the people working in that room were being punished for some hideous deed.