Harbinger of Doom?

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:15 am

No, not another Donald Trump thread...

Next month is my 5th wedding anniversary (tempus fugit!) and it's been more than 6 years since I first met my wife. In all that time, I've encountered my in-laws in person less than 2 dozen times. Mostly they are just blurry visages in a Skype window that never needs meaningful interaction.

That's about to change.

Wife tells me this morning she talked to her mom, and her dad gave permission for her to come visit us for six months when the new baby comes. I suggested that maybe it would be a good idea if her mom came when my wife was ready to return to work (far greater ROI), but no, mom wants to be here when the baby is born. So in addition to my wife quitting her job at least one month before the baby comes (and not finding a new job until 3 months after), we have to take on the additional expenses of bringing her mom here. Hopefully, my wife will be an LPN by then, and not being limited by night shift only (for 3 months at least) will help her employment prospects.

Mother-in-law speaks very little English, not enough to carry a conversation. I'm expecting six months of having to do very little house work and autonomy that, unfortunately, I won't have the funds to exploit. It does bode well for making a full appearance at the fall Octocon, however.

Before I buy the plane ticket (looking at $700 for a one-way ticket), she'll have to go through the visa process, which isn't necessarily a slam-dunk and will probably double that price in fees and transportation/hotel costs to/from our embassy in Manila.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:26 am

Have you considered relocating her to Cincinnati? I hear it's all the rage for MILs.

EDIT: I've also mentioned it here before, but it's one of my favorite stories.

So in addition to my wife quitting her job at least one month before the baby comes (and not finding a new job until 3 months after

My mom quit her secretarial job with Western Electric (giving up at least a pension) the week she married my father. Thing is, she didn't tell him that until two days after the wedding. As the story goes, he was getting up for work on Monday morning and noted my mother wasn't also getting ready for work. That's when she told him what she'd done. Quite frankly, I think it's a miracle I even exist. I'm sure you'll be fine though.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:57 am

Smoove_B wrote:Have you considered relocating her to Cincinnati? I hear it's all the rage for MILs.

EDIT: I've also mentioned it here before, but it's one of my favorite stories.

So in addition to my wife quitting her job at least one month before the baby comes (and not finding a new job until 3 months after
My mom quit her secretarial job with Western Electric (giving up at least a pension) the week she married my father. Thing is, she didn't tell him that until two days after the wedding. As the story goes, he was getting up for work on Monday morning and noted my mother wasn't also getting ready for work. That's when she told him what she'd done. Quite frankly, I think it's a miracle I even exist. I'm sure you'll be fine though.

Naturally, she thought she won the June Cleaver Sweepstakes!

My mom used to work for the phone company, not sure at what point she quit but it was before I was born. She didn't return to work until I was 10, after my youngest sibling was born.

The thing is, it's possible this situation will be less stressful in the short term. It's not going to help with future goals, but between paying for school, paying a sitter 3x per week, and the added expense of both of us almost entirely eating separate things at separate times probably comes close to breaking even whether she works at her current salary or not. The LPN license is expected to more than double her salary, the future is brighter when that day comes. The biggest issue will be making car payments and continuing to support her brother in college (she's paying his entire expense, tuition plus living expenses). The month before her mom gets here will be the most costly without her working, but still spending a lot of time at school for the review class and requiring a lot of baby sitting expense.

I will have to figure out where she's going to sleep though. The third bedroom is my office, has a desk and 4 book shelves and, as it stands, probably can't co-exist and since I won't be able to afford a bar as a refuge, this room will have to do. Wife mentioned before about her mom sharing our son's room; that'll be a little crowded and we'll need to buy a bed, but by the time she leaves, the boy will be ready for the bed anyway as it will be time for the baby to use the cage.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:04 pm

It probably will be less stressful in some areas, mind-numbingly stressful in others. My wife refused help from my mother (I think as a subconscious retaliation against her own absent/disinterested mother) and was miserable for 3 months home with our daughter. She has repeatedly stated in the last few years she wishes she wasn't so stubborn and let my mom help her out.

If you don't carve out a space for your MIL, I think you're asking for trouble. A week is probably the best you can get away with for something temporary, but if you don't convert your office into a room for her...trouble. This also means you need to start figuring out your escape hatch pronto.

We converted our extra bedroom into a MIL suite, complete with furniture and TV. It sits empty 360 days a year, but Cincinnati.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:13 pm

Keep in mind that sharing a bedroom with just one kid is probably the most privacy she's had since my wife was a little girl. I still have no idea how Filipinos procreate more than once since as often as not, they not only sleep in the same room, but in the same bed.

But yeah, after the newness of being in the US wears out, I might get some pressure to give up my room. I'll find out later if my wife intends on indulging her mom with a TFC subscription (+$20 per month), otherwise TV won't have much allure for her.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:16 pm

This sounds horrible. Get the movie rights.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:18 pm

My boss has been mocking me all morning and playing You Tube clips of Sam Kinnison and The Honeymooners.

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:05 pm

Imagine what he'll do when you tell him about your in-laws coming to stay with you!

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:17 pm

At the risk of being a downer (you seem a bit excited, from a "we'll have tons of help!" perspective), just prepare yourself for the potential of serious mental stress. Have you ever had an in-law stay at your house for more than a month?

When our first was born, we had a bevvy of in-laws come to stay, and at one point had two families at once (just for a few days) overlapping in a not huge house. Some stayed for months, others "just" weeks.

I vaguely remember during one point of a joint visit from a brother and an aunt (who had both been there for weeks), that we were all going to take a quick trip to the beach for a couple of days, and I just snapped. I ended up staying home while they went, and it was awkward, but completely necessary for my mental health.

I think that's the closest I have come to a true mental breakdown. Just kind of weirded out and lost it...

Anyhoo, the moral of the story is, yes, you may get plenty of dinners you don't have to worry about cooking or buying, and certainly a baby sitter, but there is a dark side to that help as well. Just be...prepared.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:53 pm

Well, nobody from my wife's family has ever been in this country before, so no, I've never had to deal with a visit. I am trying to be guardedly optimistic, as fear and dread will not only add to the stress between now and September. Six months is a hard date, she will be on a tourist visa that expires then. Her mom isn't very educated, so likely doesn't have any ambition regarding things to see and do while here. Several of my wife's friends have mothers living with them on a permanent basis, but this isn't an option since my wife's youngest siblings are still in grammar school.

Right now, the first thing I do when I get home every day is clean the kitchen because my wife makes no effort cleaning up after herself after making breakfast and lunch (and often preparing her dinners for work). It can be up to an hour before I'm ready to start preparing dinner (after which I clean up again); all the while with a toddler hanging all over me trying to pull me anywhere except where I want to be. I don't get anything close to a break until the kid goes to bed, which is often when I go to bed too out of exhaustion more than anything (I try to watch TV sometimes but almost always fall asleep right away). The rare nights that my wife is home (tomorrow, and then not until next Tuesday) I'm at least absolved of having to feed the kid, but he's used to playing with daddy more than mommy, so I still get no rest or relaxation. This is not, I expect, the permanent state of things, but until she makes a salary that makes full time childcare feasible, it's just how it is. She definitely has the worst of the deal, working night shifts, going to school during the afternoon, and trying to catch a few hours of sleep when the kid is occupied watching TV or taking a nap.

My wife doesn't always get along with her mother though (doesn't even like her very much and with good reason), she is looking at it as purely a way to help through a difficult transition period. Her mom's comfort is not a primary concern and she knows that even if her mom slept on the floor it would be better accommodations than she's used to. Not sure what sort of anxiety her mom might experience being away from her own kids and husband for so long, but I suspect she'll try to make the best of it.

I told my boss that it probably absolves me of the need to take 2 entire weeks of vacation just two weeks prior to the company splitting into three. Probably I can get away with just taking off the week the baby is due. He said I'd probably want that second week just to get away from them (wife, mother-in-law, two children).

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:57 pm

I don't think you get it. The office you convert to her bedroom isn't for her comfort and sanity, it is for yours.

Isgrimnur · Post by **Isgrimnur** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:11 pm

I enjoy the time that my MIL spends in her room with the door closed. It means she's not spiking my wife's stress level, and therefore mine.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:23 pm

Yeah, we'll have to see how that all works out. But until things are at some sort of tipping point, I need only refer to our strained budget to avoid taking any costly measures at this time. I think if her mom had a problem with being in the boy's room, though, my wife would be more likely to offer her the living room couch than suggest we convert the office to another bedroom. But we'll see.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:31 pm

Jeff V wrote:I need only refer to our strained budget to avoid taking any costly measures at this time.

(I'll pause here for laughter)

Been married almost 16 years now (to the day). I cannot recall ever having a discussion about avoiding a costly measure because of a strained budget that didn't end up with us taking a costly measure despite a strained budget. Something involving family? A MIL? Good goddamn luck.

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:33 pm

Did I read correctly?

Living with you for 6 months?

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:03 pm

Xmann wrote:Did I read correctly?

Living with you for 6 months?

Yes, six months. After further review, my wife actually agrees that it would be best for her to come when she is ready to go back to work, so we maximize the benefit of having her here (pragmatism overrules mom's desire to be here when the baby arrives). It seems though I'll likely have to buy a round-trip ticket (and it's too far out to be bought right now so I have no idea on price). She'll likely going through the visa process in July, it seems she would probably be given a 6 month visa, which needs to be used in six months (anticipating December).

It occurred to me we'll have to buy her a wardrobe as well; living in a tropical rain forest, she has approximately zero clothes for cold weather.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:12 pm

Wow, Jeff. Out of curiosity, did you know about the ex-pat Filipino penchant for sending money to siblings and family (and paying for college!) before you married?

Being in a "mixed culture" relationship myself, I am always looking for feedback from others in my similar situation (though pretty big difference between Southeast Asian and Western European culture, admittedly)

JSHAW · Post by **JSHAW** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:21 pm

Prediction ---

During that 6 months the MIL will go to the US Consulate and seek asylum, and that 6 month stay will
be the rest of her lifetime here, in the good ol' US of A.

Within that time here the wife and MIL will be plotting Jeff V's removal from his place of residence, because afterall, the MIL will be there to take care of the house and kid while wife of Jeff V goes back to work, so do they REALLY need Jeff V there in the end?

Seriously, hope things go alright for you.

My only word of advice would be to turn your office into YOUR retreat, your place of sleep, peace,
fortress of solitude, maybe put a mini-fridge and tv in there, and hunker down in it whenever you
need a peace of mind check. Good Luck dude!!!

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:36 pm

The mini fridge is a good idea. The TV from the bedroom can be used...wife never wants it on, and I fall asleep watching TV from bed anyway.

Putting off the MiL until my wife returns to work changes the dynamics somewhat, after all day with the kids, it's probable the MiL will be needing a fortress of solitude to retreat to when we get home from work.

Her overstaying beyond 6 months would be essentially her abandoning her young children back in the Philippines, and I don't think she wants to do that. Besides, she'll be like the other Filipino mothers here...completely at the mercy of their daughters when it comes doing anything or going anywhere. That lack of autonomy isn't something a middle-aged woman wants to give up. And besides, I don't think my wife would stand for it. Unlike her friends that have mothers here, she is not very good friends with her mom (largely due to her inaction or complicity involving abuse my wife suffered as a child). When my wife went to the Philippines for a month last year, she admitted after 2 weeks that the trip was too long. It was several weeks after she found out she was pregnant that she bothered telling her mom, because like me prior to this, she was mad at her whole family and didn't want to talk to them.

Now, after her siblings are done with school (maybe 10 years from now?) things could change. The initial visa is likely to be 6 months, but as long as she abides by its terms, the next one would like be 10 years.

This is just for a visitor's visa, she has no capacity to work while here.

I wonder though if I could claim her as a dependent...

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Wed Mar 16, 2016 6:46 pm

hepcat wrote:Imagine what he'll do when you tell him about your in-laws coming to stay with you!

You slay me.....

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:19 am

I was just warming up to the idea, and now this:

I get to work and get a text from my wife saying she's done with her family. Apparently, she recently floated them $700 that was to be repaid when they sold their harvest. This was on top of money she regularly sends them, plus the tuition and living expenses she's been sending for their 3rd son who started college this year. Instead of paying back (in all fairness, Filipinos don't grasp the concept of paying back as I've mentioned many times before -- they think the words "borrow" and "give" are interchangeable), her dad instead splurged on a $1000 gold chain. Even if he wasn't going to pay her back, surely the family has more pressing needs, but my wife feels they assumed she would just keep giving them the money they need.

My wife rescinded the invitation to her mom, then blocked them from the two main communication channels (Skype and Facebook) and said she's had enough, it's time for her to focus on her own family. Hooray if this is indeed the result, although it will make her transition back to work after the baby a lot more difficult.

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:40 am

I would need a photo of this gold chain before passing any kind of judgement.

killbot737 · Post by **killbot737** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:42 am

I wouldn't get your hopes up. A week from now you might be telling us she made up with her mom and she'll be staying for an entire year instead of 6 months.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 11:08 am

killbot737 wrote:I wouldn't get your hopes up. A week from now you might be telling us she made up with her mom and she'll be staying for an entire year instead of 6 months.

You're late. That conversation happened last weekend.

My wife mentioned that once here, her mom could apply for an extension and stay the entire year. I asked if she thought her dad would allow it, but she thinks her youngest siblings (now 10-11 years old) can feed and care for themselves so that wasn't expected to be an issue.

I probably would have been fine with it, only because if the schedule had panned out, she'd have been here the 6 months of the year that nobody wants to be in Chicago and go home just as the weather becomes nice and there is much more to see and do. Of course, I have no idea how much that sort of thing matters to her, it's not as if she has any sort of broad cultural interests.

tgb · Post by **tgb** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:00 pm

I look forward to seeing Jeff, Mrs. V, and MIL on Judge Judy.

It's not like he wouldn't be in good company

EvilHomer3k · Post by **EvilHomer3k** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:25 pm

Good luck. I'm sure there will be a change of heart at some point.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:43 pm

I have no doubt your wife will eventually start up with her family again, but maybe this will change her money "lending" habits. It is hard to send money to even someone you love when you think they are just going to blow it on non-essentials or other such items. We have gone through that with my in-laws.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:45 pm

I've said before, my wife has not had a good relationship with her parents going all of the way back to childhood. She used to tell me that the main reason she stayed in touch with them is so she could help her siblings so they won't have to grow up like she did. There was no particular affection between her and her parents, but she deferred to them out of cultural obligation more than anything. All I can really do is support whatever decision she makes, but reconciliation with her parents is not something I'd advocate. She didn't want to hear it from me, but her parents probably thought they won the lottery when their daughter was feeling forgiving to them and then married someone from a wealthier country. My wife desperately wanted the love they never gave her as a child and mistook their interest as love for her and not her money. This recent episode is really tearing her up as she finally understands their true motive.

FWIW, the reason I was warming up to the idea of her mom coming here was not to provide her with an all-expense free vacation, but to allow her to work off some of the debt they've piled up over the years. I'll need to calculate the cost of having her here and compare with the cost of not having her here. If we're better off with her here, then perhaps my wife can use her for a change.

El Guapo · Post by **El Guapo** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:45 pm

But how sweet is her dad's gold chain?

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:52 pm

Listening to my wife talk about her father you would think she would have no desire to be anywhere near him. He didn't physically abuse her in anyway, but he is not a caring man, he had alcohol problems while she was growing up and he has never been very supportive of her in any way. But she still loves him, cares what happens to him and gets depressed over the way his life has turned out. We will help with his bills, but we don't give him money. He won't spend it "wrongly" but he will give it to someone who will.

Kids and parents make for strange adult relations sometimes.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:06 pm

Scuzz wrote: Kids and parents make for strange adult relations sometimes.

Yep, this is why I tread carefully in this matter. The opinions I express here are best kept to myself in her company.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:17 pm

Jeff V wrote:
Scuzz wrote: Kids and parents make for strange adult relations sometimes.
Yep, this is why I tread carefully in this matter. The opinions I express here are best kept to myself in her company.

fer sure....

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:17 pm

El Guapo wrote:But how sweet is her dad's gold chain?

"Jeff? Is that you? Listen, let's talk accessories. "

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:40 pm

He's a lot skinnier, but yeah, I bet he now has the best bling in all of the rice patties on central Leyte...

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:55 pm

If you make it to the next Octocon, remember: I like platinum.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:28 pm

:::checking bag of old D&D props::: I'm sure I have some plastic platinum coins around here somewhere, but all I can find is faux silver pieces.

Isgrimnur · Post by **Isgrimnur** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:29 pm

You could substitute some plotzinum.

El Guapo · Post by **El Guapo** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:31 pm

hepcat wrote:If you make it to the next Octocon, remember: I like platinum.

Don't settle for anything less than unobtainium.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:34 pm

El Guapo wrote:
hepcat wrote:If you make it to the next Octocon, remember: I like platinum.
Don't settle for anything less than unobtainium.

I've invested in unobtainium futures. It'll pay off once the alchemists are able to change it to obtainium.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Wed Jun 29, 2016 11:15 am

So last week, my wife broke 3 months of silence with her family to recognize her dad's 50th birthday. In the meantime, she also cut off contact with the brother she was sending to college after he posted a picture on FB showing him smoking. She said, "if that's what he's going to spend my money on, I'm done with him too."

We'd planned to shop for a toddler bed this weekend, but my wife thought we should get something more full size that "her mom could use." So...back in play. Until yesterday. Her mom informed her the family decided she could not come here after all. My wife responded with fine, don't ask me for any more money (yay!)

Then my wife asked me for $500 and won't tell me why.