Harbinger of Doom?

[Daehawk]

Sure she didn't marry you just to support her family? I dont know anyone who would support their family like that around here. Its make it on your own or dont make it. Hell I had to go to work at 17 to buy my first car.

[hepcat]

Then my wife asked me for $500 and won't tell me why.

"Honey? Yeah, it's daddy. Listen baby, daddy's grill is no longer working for him. I need to ask you a favor..."

[Jeff V]

Sure she didn't marry you just to support her family? I dont know anyone who would support their family like that around here. Its make it on your own or dont make it. Hell I had to go to work at 17 to buy my first car.

It's been a long time since she asked me for any money to send to them, and I don't think that is what she has mind with this request. She's been sending them money from her own earnings (until 3 months ago), and also paid for her own school expenses this year and making her own car payments. But she hasn't been helping with the household bills and now that she is quitting her job, it's going to be 6 months until before I can even bring up the subject again.

At least with her at home, I'll save the $3-400 per month we've been spending on the sitter. I thought we might still use her from time to time so we can do things better done without the kid in tow, but she just flew back to the Philippines when her BiL died and isn't expected back until early September.

[hepcat]

Does your baby sitter have to be from the Philippines?

[Jeff V]

Does your baby sitter have to be from the Philippines?

She was the only one we had and worked cheap ($5 per hour/$40 per day max) and lived just a few miles away. There aren't very many non-Filipino acquaintances where we live now, and none that do babysitting.

[hepcat]

Craigslist!

"Wanted: Teenage female babysitter"

That always ends well.

[Isgrimnur]

There go your political aspirations.

[Xmann]

Sure she didn't marry you just to support her family? I dont know anyone who would support their family like that around here. Its make it on your own or dont make it. Hell I had to go to work at 17 to buy my first car.

I've been pretty much thinking exactly this for some time now but didn't want to bring it up.

If I'm correct, I believe it's common practice for Philippine individuals living in the US to support their families back home. Isn't this true?

I hope I'm dead wrong, but something about this doesn't feel right Jeff. Have you ever thought that she is in this for money?

[hepcat]

What woman isn't though?

Am I right, fellas? Huh, huh?



<runs for dear life as MHS raises rifle to her shoulder and...>

[Binktopia]

Shrugs, I have to say tho, staying together for six years is pretty damn impressive these days (unfortunately).

[Jeff V]

Have you ever thought that she is in this for money?

No, what her family wants is definitely independent of our relationship. If you re-read the incident back in March, you'll see that her family certainly wants the money, but it was a rude awaking for my wife when she realized how much they were using her.

Supporting family is not something I'm morally opposed to...I can't help everyone out of poverty, but I can certainly give a hand to one family. I was fortunate that my parents never needed my financial support, and my siblings would never ask. A friend of mine who's wife (from China) first brought her grandmother, then her parents over is now also estranged from her family after her dad started making more money than her, but still felt entitled to rent and food allowance that she was funneling toward them. In our case, immigration for her parents (which is where things would necessarily have to start -- her siblings couldn't get here without them in less than a decade) was never a serious concern as neither speak English, nor do they have any useful skills. I've offered to bring her sister here for college and sponsor her on a student visa; that would still be 2 years out and I think the likelihood of that ever happening is around 10% at the moment (her sister has not made any effort to endear herself to my wife or otherwise pursue this course of action).

Really, it all comes down to whatever makes my wife happy. If we have enough left over after paying our bills to send them some, fine. If she doesn't want to, that's her call; I do not have direct contact with most of her family (and direct contact with her friends has been forced entirely underground). A few of her brothers are connected via Facebook but aside from expressing platitudes toward our son, they rarely attempt any conversation and when they do, it's superficial and short. She stopped asking me for money to send to her family long ago, and I stopped voicing an opinion -- things are much happier that way. And while I doubt her status of depriving her family will last forever, I'll take what I can get now, my concern was that she would run out of her own money to spend before she returns to work.

[McNutt]

A babysitter for $5/hour? Really?

[hepcat]

and direct contact with her friends has been forced entirely underground

Wait...what?

[GreenGoo]

Have you ever thought that she is in this for money?

Ok, no offense to anyone, but the idea that this never crossed Jeff's mind while he found, courted then married his wife and only an internet forum 6 years later would have this insight is insanely...something.

Seriously, I don't want to offend anyone, but suggesting this like it might be news to Jeff V. is incredibly condescending and suggests a low opinion of Jeff's intelligence and perception of his own life and family.

Not to mention that those of us who were here reading along as the entire process took place understand that this topic was front and center many times. Sometimes just to tease him, but occasionally as a realistic concern.

6 years later, I have no significant concerns left, other than she appears to be batshit insane, although perhaps this is just normal behaviour in her culture. I wouldn't know, but I do know that no one is getting 500 bucks out of me no questions asked when both people know money is tight. Obviously I don't speak for everyone, and if others have concerns, that's fine. Just don't suggest it to Jeff like he's being naive about the whole thing. He's not.

Lastly I'd just say that Jeff knows how much money (in general) is going back to help his wife's family, and presumably has accepted it.

[Jeff V]

Thanks Goo! But certainly no offense is taken, I can certainly accept condescension as well as I can give it.

[Jeff V]

So the mother-in-law is working on getting her passport. She went to apply for it yesterday -- but discovered she has to make an appointment (and she lives 2 1/2 hours from the office). A coworker told me to schedule her immigration interview ASAP, they are backed up and people are actually selling their appointment slots. I guess there's a fare sale now and she can get to Manila for about $50 (triple that to get home though).

Then it comes down to getting the interview right. Apparently, she needs to memorize all sorts of details about our family here, including addresses and phone numbers of my job. It seemed to me that telling them she is coming here to care for a new born baby while my wife starts a new job is a perfectly normal reason to come here, but my wife insisted no, they would accuse her of trying to take work from a baby sitter. Last night though, we had dinner with one of my wife's friends, and she said that is exactly what her mom said, so I seem to be vindicated. Her friend mentioned that money for round-trip airfare should be deposited into her account prior to the interview - this is a potential problem because (1) there is no way I want her or anyone in her family to have access to that much money and (2) I fully intend to book the flight myself card that give bonus airline miles for doing so.

[hepcat]

(1) there is no way I want her or anyone in her family to have access to that much money

"Jeff, I noticed our account had some cash in it this morning. This is for my new grill, right?"

[JSHAW]

The man in the photo has on enough rings, are you sure he's not The Mandarin?

[Jeff V]

So it's right around the time we really could use the MIL to be here (wife getting ready to go back to work) and there has been no attempt on her part to complete the first step of the process - getting a birth certificate so she can apply for a passport. In the meantime, my wife mentioned my FIL wants to come too. How he would manage to be away from his farm for so long I don't know, and besides, he would be of extremely limited use (and his English is even more non-existent than my MIL).

So yesterday my wife says she'd been chatting with a woman who was her roommate when we first met. She would like to come here and stay as much as a year, and then come back again as often as she can (apparently, as long as she leaves when she's supposed to, once approved the Visa is good for 10 years of in/out privilege). While this woman was useful to me in dealing with some of my wife's crazies during my first trip there, she eventually became a liability. A year or so later, she asked for a "loan" ("loan" is apparently a Tagalog word meaning "to give") of 25,000 pesos (around $500) so she could take some training to qualify as an overseas nanny, intending to work in Hong Kong. She decided it was more fun to party instead, pissed it all away and got knocked up in the process (different baby daddy from the child she already had). She had no job, and after getting pregnant her family disowned her, only to take her back after both her parents were severely injured in a car crash. Neither of them can work any longer, apparently they are all a big happy family along with baby daddy from #3 living with them and she the only one in the household working -- a government job that pays a whopping $60 per month.

So my wife is feeling inclined to bring her here and pay her $500 per month as a live-in sitter. If she can successfully do this, then when we look for a new house in the spring, we don't have to feel tethered to our current 'hood (which is in close proximity to our sitter). However, since I prefer to hold grudges indefinitely, I've not exactly forgiven her for pissing away that $500. But my wife prefers I remain aloof when it comes to her friends, so I might only be expected to be civil to her and no more.

And yes, she'd be largely abandoning 3 children because life there sucks and when it comes to survival, you gotta do what you gotta do.

[hepcat]

Jeff's google history is predominantly filled with the words "no extradition treaty" and "facial reconstruction".

[gilraen]

So...uhhm...this woman's only qualification to take care of your children would be that she has nothing better to do and nowhere else to go?

[Max Peck]

So...uhhm...this woman's only qualification to take care of your children would be that she has nothing better to do and nowhere else to go?

And is unhampered by maternal instincts.

[hepcat]

To be fair, you also just described the bulk of my decision making process...

[Isgrimnur]

You'd be better off hiring an au pair.

[Jeff V]

So...uhhm...this woman's only qualification to take care of your children would be that she has nothing better to do and nowhere else to go?

And my wife has known her her entire life.

[hepcat]

I would like to throw my hat into the ring if you're looking to financially support people you aren't related to.

[Jeff V]

You'd be better off hiring an au pair.

That seems quite a bit more expensive. I used to play volleyball with a bunch of French au pairs; not sure I'd want to rely on any of them to care for my kids though.

[Jeff V]

I would like to throw my hat into the ring if you're looking to financially support people you aren't related to.

The deal my wife cut with our normal sitter here will cost us in the neighborhood of $700 per month. Of course, the overhead of airfare plus food will make the live in more expensive, but she would also be more available. She has no friends that I know of in this area, doesn't drive (and I'm not inclined to teach her) so she would be spending very little time not caring for the kids.

But hey, if changing shitty diapers all day at outsourcing wages is something you aspire to, we can certainly consider your application.

[Kraken]

So my wife is feeling inclined to bring her here and pay her $500 per month as a live-in sitter.

...

I've not exactly forgiven her for pissing away that $500.

First month's labor is free to pay you back.

[hepcat]

But hey, if changing shitty diapers all day at outsourcing wages is something you aspire to, we can certainly consider your application.

As long as I get a turn in the BabyBjörn, you've got a deal!

[MHS]

She has no friends that I know of in this area, doesn't drive (and I'm not inclined to teach her) so she would be spending very little time not caring for the kids.

A partier with 3 kids from 3 fathers sounds pretty good at making friends.

[Grifman]

She has no friends that I know of in this area, doesn't drive (and I'm not inclined to teach her) so she would be spending very little time not caring for the kids.

A partier with 3 kids from 3 fathers sounds pretty good at making friends.

Yeah, somehow I don't see her sticking around once she gets here . . . responsibility is her middle name. And would you really want someone like this watching over your child?

[Jeff V]

It's a lot easier to get around in the Philippines than it is in American suburbs. Without a car, she's not going anywhere. Without money (much of what we pay her will be sent home), she's not doing anything. She might in time cozy up to my wife's friends where she might occasionally go out with them, but that is not a group that will give her opportunity for trouble.

She is not exactly a party animal. Like many millions of Filipinos, she doesn't have a good record choosing guys to sleep with, and being an insanely Catholic country, birth control is not exactly preached. Her visa would rely on our support, and if she ever did anything to piss off my wife, that support would be immediately withdrawn. In any event, I know her well enough that I wouldn't have a problem with her watching our kids.

[Grifman]

Good luck!

[Jeff V]

I still don't think it's going to be as easy as she (and my wife) think to get here in the first place. We'll see though. If it drags out until we move next year, then at least we don't have to struggle to accommodate her.

[hepcat]

It's a lot easier to get around in the Philippines than it is in American suburbs. Without a car, she's not going anywhere.

I suspect she'll have plenty of drivers before too long.

[El Guapo]

So...uhhm...this woman's only qualification to take care of your children would be that she has nothing better to do and nowhere else to go?

And my wife has known her her entire life.

Given what you know about her, this seems to be a minus, not a plus. At least with a stranger there's a chance that they might be responsible.

[raydude]

Sounds like you have bad luck with Filipinos. There are responsible "nanays" there; my wife was raised by one. Of course these were Filipinos hired to take care of Chinese children so perhaps that kind of situation acts like a filter.

So maybe the answer is to find Filipinos that were hired by Chinese in the Philippines.

[stimpy]

Couple of things....
1: Is this potential babysitter hot?
2: Selling my house in Lisle in the spring. We can cut out the middleman when you're ready to look and save us both some dough.....

[em2nought]

Craigslist!

"Wanted: Teenage female babysitter"

That always ends well.

The problem I've found is that they always insist on there being an actual baby.

Two women in one house with one guy, that never ends well either.