Jokes!

[Vorret]

Stolen from reddit!

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

[KKBlue]

Ha!
Yeah, I remember the days when I was ridiculously addicted the the farm game.

[tgb]

A man comes home from work to find his wife furiously packing. When he asks what's up she replies:

"I'm leaving. You've done nothing but make my life miserable for 20 years and I've had enough. I'm taking everything and moving to Nevada".

"What the hell do you think you're going to do in Nevada?"

"I'm going to work at one of those brothels they have. I read that the women there get $200 for sex."

At that point he grabs a bag and starts packing too. She asks him

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you make out on $400/year".




Thank you. Don't forget I'm here again tomorrow night, and this weekend over at Unkle Chukles opening for my good friend, the legendary Pat Cooper.

[McNutt]

They have finally figured out why the flying V formation of geese is often much longer on one side than the other. It's because there are more geese on that side.

[NickAragua]

In the near future, an American, a Japanese guy and a Russian are arguing about who's achieved the greatest feats of engineering.

The American says: "We built you guys a bridge across the Bering Strait and we only did it in a month!"
The Japanese guy says: "That is impressive, but we're better. We built a space elevator, and it only took us two weeks!"
The Russian guy says: "Eh, that's nothing. The other day, we decided to build a bar. We started at about nine in the morning, and by noon, everyone was piss drunk!"

[MonkeyFinger]

They have finally figured out why the flying V formation of geese is often much longer on one side than the other. It's because there are more geese on that side.

That actually made me L-O-L when I read it.

The TV show "So You Think You Can Dance" is doing a Junior edition with young kids competing this year. One of them told a joke when being interviewed:

Why did the toilet paper not make it across the road?

It got stuck in a crack!

[Hipolito]

NickAragua's joke reminded me of one I read in a Truly Tasteless Jokes book during the 1980s:

At an international medical convention, some doctors are talking over drinks.

The French doctor says, "We can take the kidney of one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in one month."

The Spanish doctor says, "We can take the lung out of one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in two weeks."

The Russian doctor says, "We can take the heart out of one man, put it in another man, and have that man looking for work in one week."

The American doctor says, "Oh yeah? We can take an asshole out of Hollywood, put him in the Oval Office, and have the entire nation looking for work the next day!"


(Reaganites may replace "Hollywood" with Kenya.)

[LawBeefaroni]

A MAN WENT TO A BAR

YEAH GIVE ME A WISKY BECAUSE I BROK UP WHIT MY WIFE

[Hipolito]

This joke was in Al Lowe's Cyberjoke 3000 today, and it took me some effort to understand.

What did Lawrence Welk name his three daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3.

Joke explanation: Lawrence Welk was a band leader, and he often started up the band by saying "And a one, and a two ..."

[Remus West]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.


I can't get my bicycle to stand up by itself. I think it's because it's two-tired.

[Hyena]

A 60-year old couple was at home getting ready for bed.
The wife, standing in front of the mirror examining her figure, said, "I think I want to get a boob job."
The husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that?"
Wife: Well, I just want them to be bigger.
Husband: That will cost a fortune. I can do it for less than ten bucks.
Wife: What? How?
Husband: Every night before you go to bed and every morning just after you wake up, take a handful of toilet paper and wipe it across both breasts.
Wife: WHAT? How in the world is that supposed to help?
Husband: I don't really know, but it worked for your butt.

[hepcat]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.


I can't get my bicycle to stand up by itself. I think it's because it's two-tired.

Dad?

[Remus West]

What is a computer's favorite food?

Microchips

Sweden doesn't want to export cattle because it wants to keep its Stockholm.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

(Yes, my wife did give me a calendar of Dad jokes. I can go on if you'd like but I've actually been picking the best!)

[hepcat]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

...

A fish.

[Enough]

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

...

A fish.

How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

[Jaymann]

A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of girls from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the Priest covered his privates and the Rabbi and Minister covered their faces while they ran for cover. After the girls left and the men got their clothes back on, the Priest asked the Rabbi and Minister why they covered their face rather than their privates. The Rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize.

[McNutt]

What's the difference between a bomb shelter and three hookers?

I don't have a bomb shelter buried in my yard.

[Jaymon]

knock knock

who's there?

dishes

dishes who?

Spoiler:

dishes Sean Connery

[Hipolito]

From Al Lowe's Cyberjoke 3000 today:
Me: "2019 was the worst year ever!"
2020: "Here, hold my corona!"

And here's a joke I thought up on my own:
Q: What do you call a male ballerina?
A: A baller.

[dbt1949]

You opened this olde thread for THAT joke?
You have been reassigned to the OO reserves!

[Hipolito]

You opened this olde thread for THAT joke?
You have been reassigned to the OO reserves!

But it was so sticky the last time I was there!

"Reserves, not preserves, you idiot."

[Zarathud]

What do you call a pony with a cough?

-- A little horse.

[McNutt]

From Laurel and Hardy: "A lot of weather we've been having lately."

Feel free to use that as an ice breaker.

[Jaymann]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!

[McNutt]

Those Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.

[Hipolito]

I just came up with this Game of Thrones joke.

What is the House Stark breakfast cereal?

Spoiler:

Raisin' Bran!

[Jaymann]

When I taught my children to question authority I wasn't referring to mine.

[Isgrimnur]

Pie are round!

[Unagi]

Pie are round!

Pie are square!