Help for my son

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:25 pm

This will be long, so please hang in there with me.

I have a 15 year old freshman in high school son that me and the wife are worried about. Here is the background...

As parents, we are looking back and essentially did no favors in how we have raised Noah over the years. Noah is a smart and great kid who has always been very shy and self conscious. However, school has always been a struggle. Standardized testing since elementary shows he performs above average. However, Noah has never been one to do work and unfortunately we never gave him consequences for not.

We have moved several times the past 7-8 years and I'm honestly regretful we did. Noah has a hard time adjusting and all he wants is to be liked and popular.

6 years ago we left Colorado and went to Hawaii for a year because I had a great opportunity there. after moving back from Hawaii, Noah was thrilled to be back with his friends. however, a year later we moved to Florida. after being in Florida a year, we moved back to Colorado permanently. Noah has told a counselor he sees that the move from here back to Florida was traumatic.

This past summer was difficult on Noah. Somehow he developed a social anxiety or fear being outside of home. We had two major meltdowns just going to Wal Mart. We took him to his counselor and things got much better.

When Noah started high school in August, he was actually doing fine. He didn't have much stress and although he still wasn't motivated, we got him to do school. We encouraged him to go to school football games and events, but he said he didn't feel comfortable doing so and we didn't force him.

Fast forward to December. Noah did not finish his first semester in high school all that good. He got 2 D's, 2 C's, couple B's, and an A. Additionally, he started a relationship with a girl for the first time.

During the Christmas break, he was silly with this girl and everything was great. However, right before Christmas break ended, this thing with this girl stopped. Noah was very upset and broken hearted.

The past 4 weeks since school started back up, he has refused to do anything. He refuses to do school work. When I went to his counselor with him 2 weeks ago, he said there were essentially no consequences that would matter to him, and I believe it.

Noah has no motivation for school and anything else in his life. No interest in sports any longer. We could essentially take everything from him and he wouldn't care.

Additionally, the past 2 weeks he's made good friends with kids at school and he's hanging out with them alot. But still refuses school. His therapist encouraged us to not take his friends away because he worries that would send him over the edge.

2 weeks ago he started an antidepressant, but it hasn't kicked in yet.

We are lost and no nothing else we can do. We are afraid he's going to get in trouble or much worse.

Do we consider boarding school?

We literally don't know what to do.

We need help

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Rip · Post by **Rip** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:29 pm

I have a son almost just like that. If you figure it out let me know.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:33 pm

Don't have any advice for depression (other than lots of exercise), but I do know that 2 weeks is typically not enough time for an antidepressant to really kick in, as you mention. You may just need to wait a couple of more weeks, and hope that it helps.

Sorry to hear about this, but hopefully whatever he is taking will start working soon.

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:50 pm

yeah, I know it takes a few weeks for the antidepressants to start working. That's what we're hoping will kick in and give us some relief and help give him some motivation back. But in the meantime, we don't know what to do.

I think a lot of what is going on is that he never wanted to be out with people and friends and now literally all of a sudden he wants to do nothing but hang out with friends and do nothing else.

but we are also trusting his therapist because he said do not take his friends away from him. And we don't think that would be good either

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gameoverman · Post by **gameoverman** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:58 pm

I lived in the same city from before kindergarten through high school graduation. My cousins lived in the same city for awhile, then my aunt flipped her house. Yeah, she was doing the house flipping thing decades before I heard the term. She did great, she was living in what could almost be described as a mansion in about 3 flips. She, being my mom's sister, always tried to get my mom to do it too. My mom always refused. I later asked my mom why she didn't do it, my aunt was fairly wealthy by that point. My mom explained that her number one priority was that me, my sister, and my brother didn't have to move and lose our friends.

What struck me about that was remembering how my youngest cousin faired- not good. One older cousin graduated high school soon after the first flip, so she wasn't affected so much. My youngest cousin though, he had all sorts of problems. For instance he was constantly in trouble for fighting. He was the new kid you see? He was also the 'poor' kid, because in every flip they would find themselves living in a more upscale community. So he was miserable all the time. He didn't graduate until years of this went by. He was always the outsider. Meanwhile I still have some of the friends I grew up with.

So I think instability is what this is all about. Your son has had zero stability in a crucial part of his life. This is not a judgment, just an acknowledgement of how it is. So I think this situation won't start to improve until he feels stable and trusts that he has something to build on. What good is going to school and doing the work, and making friends, if all that's going to happen is you're going to have the rug pulled out from under you?

Paingod · Post by **Paingod** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:07 pm

I can say that when I was 15, I hated everything and was angst-y as all hell.

My family moved around a lot. I lived in my 'home town' in Maine until I was 7, when we moved somewhere else for a year, then we moved to Florida for 3.5 years, then back to Maine. We spent two years in that town and moved again.

Spoiler:

If it helps, I'm okay with you sharing this with your son. There's always another day, and another. "One Day At A Time" is about the only sane thing I still keep with me from Al-Anon. Things do get better. I wish I felt like my parents cared.

Anonymous Bosch · Post by **Anonymous Bosch** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:19 pm

if you haven't already, I'd suggest getting a professional assessment ASAP, i.e. contact his pediatrician and get a referral to a professional psychotherapist.

pr0ner · Post by **pr0ner** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:22 pm

Why were there never consequences for not doing schoolwork to begin with?

Jaymon · Post by **Jaymon** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:28 pm

For the first, I firmly believe that you need to put boarding school right off the table. Sending him away from family and friends is not going to help. And when he continues to refuse there, they will just punish him more and more severely, reinforcing his negative view. Depression, social anxiety and withdrawal cannot be cured via punishment.

You as parents probably feel lost and helpless, you cant reach inside his brain and flip the lever that changes him to happy. This isn't like a scratched knee or tummy ache. I've seen this in various degrees in the folks I love, and its incredibly difficult. The anti depressents and counseling will help, but ultimately that change needs to come from within himself. But fortunately, there are things you can do, things that will help.

Tell him that you love him, that you care for him, and that he is important. He is a teenager, so thats probably going to be met with meh, eyerolling, or worse. You just ignore that, and keep right on telling him. The part of him you are trying to reach is not the part that controls the eye rolling. You are trying to reach deep inside to his emotional center. That part of him feels lost and alone and unloved, so you will need to keep repeating yourself over and over, every day, until the message finally sinks in.

Start talking aloud about the things you do, the things you love, about why you do them and why you love them. Even if it sounds inconsequential, trivial, or silly. You don't need to say them directly to him, but you need to say them so he hears them. And you should also do that with things you don't like as well. It sounds cheesy, but you got to be serious.
You can't force him to start liking things again, so you have to do the next best thing, which is talk about your own likes and dislikes. And you have to include the why, not just the what. By reminding him about why you like or don't like certain things, it will trigger him to reflect on why he likes or doesn't like certain things, even if he doesn't join the conversation, his brain will have remembered why, and eventually he will begin acting on those remembrances again. Trying to include him by asking what he likes or doesn't like will probably trigger withdrawal or hostility, so just say it back and forth to each other, and eventually when he is ready, he'll offer up his own opinion.

Examples:
"I really like watching the superbowl, Watching the best players in the world gives me a thrill. And I like how you can eat as much junk food as you like, and its perfectly OK just for one day."
"I'm going to work now. Its not always fun, but they pay me, and its important to me to earn enough money so my family can be secure and happy."
"This is my favorite show. The characters are a little silly, but that makes me feel smart, and I like that"
"I love jogging. Even though it makes me tired, it gives me some alone time, and I like to feel like I am doing something healthy"
"Ugg, Julie Roberts. Her mouth is so big I think she might actually be an alien, and that freaks me out."

Its going to be difficult to coax activities out of him. If you try and get his opinion on what to do, you won't get it. "Noah, you want to play video games? Any game you want!" "..." So instead, do some activities and include him. It won't always work, but the act of attempting to include him is whats going to eventually reach down to that emotional center and remind him through actions (not just words like above) that you care for him, and that he is important.

Jaymann · Post by **Jaymann** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:28 pm

Home schooling worked for my kids. YMMV.

Newcastle · Post by **Newcastle** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:37 pm

My input:

Boarding school - I would say no. The important hting here is stability and he needs the familiar. Boarding school creates its own instability. With the seniors moving off to the nether and you never see em again. If you start as a freshman that is. I went to a boarding school and I am in my mid 40s and i've had 2 contacts with a couple of them in the last 20 years. They just were never part of my life after boarding school, and it sucks because initially i missed them terribly. But time and distance unravels those bonds. Boarding school is fun, and was a blast and a helluva experience. But i really have no friends now from my high school years. I've also not tried.

However, I would be interested in hearing your reasonings as to why you would want this.

I would do as much as possible to create stability for him. Maybe promise you wont move from there in the next 5 years or whatever. Not sure what else to add.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:20 pm

All I can add is that, yes, two weeks isn't really enough for the antidepressants to have an effect. It's also possible that a higher dose will be needed.

Also, there are different kinds of antidepressants with different fundamental chemical actions--what works for some people doesn't for others, and vice-versa.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:43 pm

Xmann wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 4:50 pm yeah, I know it takes a few weeks for the antidepressants to start working. That's what we're hoping will kick in and give us some relief and help give him some motivation back. But in the meantime, we don't know what to do.

I think a lot of what is going on is that he never wanted to be out with people and friends and now literally all of a sudden he wants to do nothing but hang out with friends and do nothing else.

but we are also trusting his therapist because he said do not take his friends away from him. And we don't think that would be good either

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Second time you've mentioned "taking friends away" from him. Is he getting into trouble, or seem like a bad crowd he's hanging out with? Have you already threatened something to that effect?

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:50 pm

so my wife just call me in a little bit of a panic. She decide to go through his room and she has found some drugs that she doesn't know what it is. She thinks it might be Molly. Now we really are in emergency mode and don't know what to do.

I do know for a fact that drugs are rampant in his school. We live in a middle to upper-class community and these rich kids get everything that they want.

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AWS260 · Post by **AWS260** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:02 pm

I don't have answers for you, just empathy. He's seeing a therapist and on an anti-depressant -- those are important, positive steps. You're doing the right thing.

Newcastle · Post by **Newcastle** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:04 pm

Take it one step at a time. First are they? Ask him if they are. If they are, then talk to him openly about it. The good news is he's alive and you can still reach him. As simple as this is.... he wont change unless he wants to. Find the carrot and work from there.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:47 pm

15 is a little young for recreational drugs, but not outside the normal range. He's probably unconsciously trying to self-medicate. The good news is that it's unlikely that he's been using them long enough to develop a dependency, or to fall into that social circle.

If you can, try to be matter-of-fact about it and not freak right out. Find out what he's using, and for how long, and in what circumstances. Molly would be less alarming than opioids, for instance, but would certainly complicate the antidepressant regimen. Chances are good that he's just dabbling and can be gently turned aside from that.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:24 pm

Sorry X but I cant help you here. I have no kids and I could relate my own stupid acting and feeling teenage years but we've all had them in some form and we are all different so thats no help. So instead of bad advice Ill wish you and your wife and son the best in this and hope you find your answers quickly and completely. God bless you man.

Lorini · Post by **Lorini** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:33 pm

The drugs are a problem at 15, a big problem. If it were weed not so much, but drugs can easily kill him with the wrong people. I would absolutely get a second opinion on his condition from a psychiatrist (make sure it's a board certified psychiatrist, even better if he/she specializes in teens). And then I'd decide what to do. If you call a clinic be sure to tell them about the drugs and that you are really really concerned about your child.

Lorini · Post by **Lorini** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:34 pm

The drugs are a problem at 15, a big problem. If it were weed not so much, but drugs can easily kill him with the wrong people. I would absolutely get a second opinion on his condition from a psychiatrist (make sure it's a board certified psychiatrist, even better if he/she specializes in teens). And then I'd decide what to do. If you call a clinic be sure to tell them about the drugs and that you are really really concerned about your child.

In my opinion he should not be with people who are giving him drugs, no matter how much he likes those people.

Anonymous Bosch · Post by **Anonymous Bosch** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 8:38 pm

Xmann wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 6:50 pm so my wife just call me in a little bit of a panic. She decide to go through his room and she has found some drugs that she doesn't know what it is. She thinks it might be Molly. Now we really are in emergency mode and don't know what to do.

I do know for a fact that drugs are rampant in his school. We live in a middle to upper-class community and these rich kids get everything that they want.

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Again, if you're working with a psychotherapist or psychiatrist, they ought to be able to offer advice and guidance in terms of dealing with possible substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors affecting your son's performance and outlook.

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 9:42 pm

ok, I've been home and accessed the situation and had a talk with my son.

i confronted him with the paraphernalia. what we found was some aluminum and a writing pen that was hollowed out. there was something brown inside the pen.

Noah said he has been using that for weed and he showed me how he was using it. he takes a water bottle and cuts a hole in the side. he uses the aluminum to seal the top. he took the pen and ran it though an apple for some reason. the brown in the pen is old apple.

i had an open talk with him and essentially he has no desire for anything, other than seeing his friends and listening to music. doesn't seem to care about anything else.

what he told me was this girl has him really screwed up. it's the first girl he has liked and she broke his heart. not only that, but he sees her in class at school and he's still pursuing her. but this girl is dragging him along and it's basically torture.

this all makes sense with the timeline. he had a change in behavior at Christmas, when this happened with this girl.

we have a county support program for kids who are in trouble in school and with substance abuse problems. my wife and I will be there first thing in the morning to talk with them.

I'm calling his therapist tomorrow morning too.

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Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:19 pm

The first time a girl broke my heart my dad sort of mocked me but then assured me I'd get over it. At the time, I wasn't so sure, but I certainly moped a lot.

And I'm still pissed that the cops confiscated my purple bong at the first kegger I hosted (age - 16)

Moving around a lot does cause issues. A former girlfriend was an army brat, and she'd get squirrelly if she was in the same place more than 2 years. Unfortunately for us, that hit about 3 months into our relationship. Around that time she was accused of plagiarizing a college term paper about psychological child abuse. I told her to tell the teacher I certainly did NOT plagiarize it, but wrote it based on what I learned over the months dating her!

(yeah, I wrote the paper for her, and about her!)

I have a good decade before I need to face that from a parental standpoint, but it seems that keeping communication open is a good thing. On one hand, if weed is the worst he's doing, then it's not so bad. The symptoms seem to be about right -- laziness and desire for nothing but music. And, perhaps. Cheetos.

I hear Colorado has some awesome places to hike. My unqualified self might suggest that as therapy.

Newcastle · Post by **Newcastle** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:47 pm

Not sure how much you know about pot or drugs, so sorry if i come across as overbearing....OK so that is some very rookie level drug paraphernalia by the description you gave me. It kind of sounds like a makeshift apple pipe. I am not sure what he's using as a bowl actually here. What we use to do was use old water bottles with a aluminum stem and bowl, and make a water bong with it. Water bongs hit harder than pipes, the apple pipes dont hit as hard.

So if you want to keep track of his drug use, for starters look for lighters. Now, if you find one, check to see if one of the bottom corners has a black sticky stain on it. If you see a parade of lighters with that stuff on it, then he's into it on a very regular basis.

Also, I'd also be on the look out for pipes and long alumuminum tubes (Stems) with a small bowl on it. Pot leaves a sticky, black residue. If there is a lot in there, like chock full then you have a problem. If you can still see a lot of the aluminum tubes color then chances are he's not used it a lot.

He's also probably going to be on the lookout for a better stash spot since you tossed his room. I'd think like him and think where he might stash something.

The overall good news, it doesn't sound as if he's that far into it.

KKBlue · Post by **KKBlue** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:47 pm

Like always, everyone has great advice (with a nod to Jaymon). Outdoor activities is such a smart suggestion. I did a lot of hiking in my teens, really helped with my mental states. Acting calmly, cool, and with love is the best thing you both can do. An open communication is something I never had until I was an adult with my parents. He is talking to you two, that is huge!

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:51 pm

Newcastle wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:47 pm He's also probably going to be on the lookout for a better stash spot since you tossed his room. I'd think like him and think where he might stash something.

He lives in Colorado. He can just go to the weed store and get some more, no need to maintain a stash that might be subject to confiscation.

RunningMn9 · Post by **RunningMn9** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:09 pm

I would just note that if your son is suffering from chemical depression and/or anxiety - walking through nature isn’t going to help.

You need local, hands on professional help. We can offer moral support (especially any of us that have teenaged sons going through things), but you need real help. Now.

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Anonymous Bosch · Post by **Anonymous Bosch** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:31 pm

Jeff V wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:51 pm
Newcastle wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:47 pm He's also probably going to be on the lookout for a better stash spot since you tossed his room. I'd think like him and think where he might stash something.
He lives in Colorado. He can just go to the weed store and get some more, no need to maintain a stash that might be subject to confiscation.

He's gotta be 21 years of age or older with government-issued identification to prove it to purchase cannabis legally in CO. Otherwise, he's likely stuck with the schwag his friends-of-low-moral-fiber provide.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:45 pm

Newcastle wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:47 pm Not sure how much you know about pot or drugs, so sorry if i come across as overbearing....OK so that is some very rookie level drug paraphernalia by the description you gave me. It kind of sounds like a makeshift apple pipe. I am not sure what he's using as a bowl actually here. What we use to do was use old water bottles with a aluminum stem and bowl, and make a water bong with it. Water bongs hit harder than pipes, the apple pipes dont hit as hard.

Yeah, but the apples impart a nice mellow flavor. I'm amused to learn that teens still do that.

15 is too young to condone cannabis use; it's not a good idea while one's brain is still developing. Ideally he'll lay off until he's 18. But I started smoking when I was 16, got busted when I was 17, and neither my parents nor the local constabulary persuaded me to quit. 'Course, back then it was a defiant, defining counterculture thing, whereas today it's quite mainstream, so the social cues are all different. Anyway, it's not optimal, but not a huge crisis if he just enjoys a little weed now and then.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:48 pm

Shit, Kraken, back then my high school had a student smoking section (several, actually). Damn near everyone in the school (~2500) smoked. Very few smoked cigarettes. Weed was just more available and you never needed to present an ID.

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:25 am

thank you for everyone's concern.

I would take him hiking or something outdoors in a minute. However, he hates hiking. We do lots of camping and it's like pulling teeth to get him to go.

I'm relieved in a sense that it's just weed, but I'm still unhappy he's using.

We are going to his therapist tomorrow morning.

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EvilHomer3k · Post by **EvilHomer3k** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:31 am

Xmann wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 9:42 pm ok, I've been home and accessed the situation and had a talk with my son.

i confronted him with the paraphernalia. what we found was some aluminum and a writing pen that was hollowed out. there was something brown inside the pen.

Noah said he has been using that for weed and he showed me how he was using it. he takes a water bottle and cuts a hole in the side. he uses the aluminum to seal the top. he took the pen and ran it though an apple for some reason. the brown in the pen is old apple.

i had an open talk with him and essentially he has no desire for anything, other than seeing his friends and listening to music. doesn't seem to care about anything else.

what he told me was this girl has him really screwed up. it's the first girl he has liked and she broke his heart. not only that, but he sees her in class at school and he's still pursuing her. but this girl is dragging him along and it's basically torture.

this all makes sense with the timeline. he had a change in behavior at Christmas, when this happened with this girl.

we have a county support program for kids who are in trouble in school and with substance abuse problems. my wife and I will be there first thing in the morning to talk with them.

I'm calling his therapist tomorrow morning too.

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He's talking to you. That's great. Don't fuck it up by not trusting him and going through his stuff again. Talk to him about the weed and if he thinks it's appropriate for him. Try to come to a resolution that you are both comfortable with. Let him know that you don't condone it. If you punish him let him be part of the process for it. Talk to him whenever you can. Try to find something to do with him (video games, basketball, etc). It sounds like right now he needs a friend to talk to as much as he needs a father. You can be both but not at the same time.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

Xmann · Post by **Xmann** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:49 am

I also want to add that this is very hard on me as a father because I lost mine when I was in my 20's. I know I've overcompensated over the years, to a fault.

really tough right now..

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Zarathud · Post by **Zarathud** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:53 am

It's good that you noticed and are talking. He is self medicating but there are reasons for it -- moving, consequences, girl, depression. Keep him talking, let him know you want to help, include him in the process, and ask him what he wants to do (or you to do) to help his life.

It's not going to be immediately fixable but if can make a start now, it will get easier later.

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:01 am

My nephew went through that. He graduated high school and joined the Air Force and he seems happy.

Does your boy have an outlet? Josh's Stepfather let him build his own forge and he started making jewelry by mixing various metals and minerals together and it became a passionate hobby for him. He never did get his secondary school on track but he graduated his enlistment class in the top 2%, so I think he'll be OK.

I'm not sure what he'll do about anxiety and being part of something. Maybe the military will fix that. Nothing worked fro me until I got to college and became a communications minor in effort to get over it. That worked for a long time but eventually the energy required to stay "over it" was too much. Now I'm seeing a shrink. So far the best thing for me at 47 is Effexor. But the best is far from good. I also carry Zanax with me in case I feel like I'm going to freak out. I've only ever had one actual panic attack but it sucked and sucked really bad. It was just anxiety, which I have experienced my whole life, but I felt completely out of my own control. I think and hope it was just a very bad reaction to wellbutrin.

Anyhoo, I feel for anyone going through what your boy is going through. I have no help to give other he ought to know he's not alone.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:10 am

Xmann wrote: ↑Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:49 am I also want to add that this is very hard on me as a father because I lost mine when I was in my 20's. I know I've overcompensated over the years, to a fault.

really tough right now..

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I'll pile on and say it's great that he's even talking (with you!). You mentioned overcompensating (coddling? what?), but I have found, especially with my teen, that talking to them like a peer/adult has tremendous effect sometimes. I always try to do that, but as you know I'm sure, it's harder than it sounds. Just a thought to keep front and center...especially if you have maybe babied him a little due to your own experiences.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:29 am

RunningMn9 wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:09 pm I would just note that if your son is suffering from chemical depression and/or anxiety - walking through nature isn’t going to help.

Just to jump in on this point, there's been dozens of studies that demonstrate a likely connection between exercise and lowering a risk of clinical depression. While it's not the only route I would want to take in this situation, I don't think it's unreasonable to include it as part of trying to help. One of the most famous studies I'm aware of covered the idea of "forest bathing" in Japan - sourced here. Above and beyond exercise, this study focused on the idea that exercising in a wooded environment had additional benefits. Again, part of the puzzle, not the only offered advice. It's not as kooky as you might think.

On to the topic at hand, I don't have much to add other than support for so many of the ideas already shared. I think it's likely going to be a multi-pronged approach and that professional help is probably also necessary. By showing support, interest and a genuine desire to help, I think you and your wife are likely on the right path.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 4:53 pm

Jeff V wrote: ↑Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:48 pm Shit, Kraken, back then my high school had a student smoking section (several, actually). Damn near everyone in the school (~2500) smoked. Very few smoked cigarettes. Weed was just more available and you never needed to present an ID.

This is basically how I went thru high school. Pretty much wasted my junior and senior years, although we never did it at school and it was pretty much an evening thing. Same with the booze, drinking on the weekends unless there was a concert.

And I would imagine weed is probably everywhere at his high school. Take his friends away and he will find others with weed. And I wouldn't panic over just weed. Pills yea, weed not so much.

When my girls were in high school, in the marching band, we knew a family that would kinda house many of them over some weekends. No drugs or nothing, just kids being kids. Years later when we became better friends I asked them why they would want all those kids in their house. Their answer was (a) they always knew where their kids were, they were home and (b) several kids had problems at home, alcoholic parents or divorced parents and they needed a place to get away from it. I had never thought of that.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 4:56 pm

Carpet_pissr wrote: ↑Tue Jan 30, 2018 11:10 am
Xmann wrote: ↑Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:49 am I also want to add that this is very hard on me as a father because I lost mine when I was in my 20's. I know I've overcompensated over the years, to a fault.

really tough right now..

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I'll pile on and say it's great that he's even talking (with you!). You mentioned overcompensating (coddling? what?), but I have found, especially with my teen, that talking to them like a peer/adult has tremendous effect sometimes. I always try to do that, but as you know I'm sure, it's harder than it sounds. Just a thought to keep front and center...especially if you have maybe babied him a little due to your own experiences.

I always got better results from my kids by staying calm with them and talking to them rationally. The angry loud parent in me had to learn that over time. Being loud and angry never works.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:11 pm

Yeah, it's great that he is willing to talk to you.

I wish I had a fund of advice here. My boys are 13 and 11, and it's so-far-so-good, but I know the upcoming years will be the hardest.

I concur with the consensus that a little weed isn't a catastrophe. I'd rather know that my kid was using pot very occasionally than fear that he was doing something worse and/or more often.

I know parents who basically give their kids open permission for light usage on the understanding that they will be held responsible for their behaviors and their outcomes at school and socially. It seems to work out, but I suppose it depends on many factors.