Drazzil Mega Thread: Round table panel skills presentation +Took a home drug test for THC; failed at 45 days sobriety.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:49 pm

Unagi wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:43 pm No problem, just seemed out of synch reporting on the state of affairs. I understand your explanation.

Sorry for being such a critical SOB.

No. Its cool. I put in more apps in the last few days then in the last few months combined. Indeed makes it easy.

Isgrimnur · Post by **Isgrimnur** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 8:13 am

Unagi wrote:
Isgrimnur wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:08 pm The Gros Michel banana of the 50s is still around as an heirloom, and is what fake banana flavoring was based off of.
OMG, you mean fake-banana is based off a real banana!!! this has been a (mildly, but repeating) huge thing for me, and this news is profound. wow. bless you issy. (/atheist)

And the answer is ... maybe...

Chris Baraniuk did some research for the BBC, but he couldn't find any scientific source that verified the story. One organic chemist he talked to said it seemed "very, very unlikely."

Nevertheless, he found a farmer who still grows the Gros Michel who noted that the Gros Michel actually does taste a lot like artificial banana flavor. To anyone used to the Cavendish, the Gros Michel tastes "sort of amplified, sweeter and, yeah, somehow artificial."

So the artificial flavor may not have actually been developed from the Gros Michel, but the two actually do taste quite similar because both are sweeter than the Cavendish.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 10:08 am

Drazzil wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:49 pm
Unagi wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:43 pm No problem, just seemed out of synch reporting on the state of affairs. I understand your explanation.

Sorry for being such a critical SOB.
No. Its cool. I put in more apps in the last few days then in the last few months combined. Indeed makes it easy.

Quantity<<<<<Quality. This is a very ineffective use of time, even if it's easy.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:42 pm

Jeff V wrote: ↑Tue Mar 26, 2019 10:08 am
Drazzil wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:49 pm
Unagi wrote: ↑Mon Mar 25, 2019 11:43 pm No problem, just seemed out of synch reporting on the state of affairs. I understand your explanation.

Sorry for being such a critical SOB.
No. Its cool. I put in more apps in the last few days then in the last few months combined. Indeed makes it easy.
Quantity<<<<<Quality. This is a very ineffective use of time, even if it's easy.

We'll definitely see. Edit for: I have two interviews this week. So, not so much a waste for me.

Isgrimnur · Post by **Isgrimnur** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:48 pm

If you aren't catering a cover letter per application, you're one of dozens to hundreds. If you want to stand out, you have to do something to do so.

stimpy · Post by **stimpy** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:14 pm

Is there a Pirate Cover letter floating around? That would help him stand out.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Tue Mar 26, 2019 7:39 pm

stimpy wrote: ↑Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:14 pm Is there a Pirate Cover letter floating around? That would help him stand out.

I used the pirate resignation letter at my theater job right after it was posted. A pirate cover letter would be awesome.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:46 pm

I took my cat to the vet three days ago to put him down and I couldn't. Not without *knowing* what issues he had. To do this I had to suck up the last few days taking my cat to a very reasonable animal hospital. Because the vet I took her to decided he needed x rays to figure out what happened I was referred to a second animal hospital run by her son.

As this was "the vet f'ed me" clinic I was extremely communicative with the veternarian, making exactly sure to understand the process.

The X ray showed an abnormality around the liver, stomach and gall bladder area that was poking into his chest cavity. The vet still was not certain so he asked if he could do a sonigram. I asked him how much it would cost, and he said "free"

The sonigram along with the x ray showed a diaphramatic hernia. The surgery to fix it would run me between $677 and $777 depending on various factors.

I asked the vet what Ace's chances would be for not dying in the surgery, it isin't the greatest. Ace's age and ill health give him about a 60% chance of recovery. However the doctor said that if Ace died on the table I wouldn't be charged the full amount. "Only what is fair" I didn't really press for details, maybe I should have, but I got the general idea that I would just be charged $100 for anesthesia. If I go forward on this I will try to get him to commit to a number if worse comes to worse.

I'm reticent to do this surgery as I was told it is extremely complex and also very hard to do. The age of the cat combined with his ill health and coin toss prospects and my lack of a job make me lean towards not doing this, slightly, even though I am not 100% decided yet.

That said, the surgery here is like 70% cheaper then anywhere else. This place is EXTREMELY reasonable for the solution I was presented. I felt under NO pressure either way and have been given a day to think about it. Ace was until very recently a very spry and hale old cat, playing with (and tiring out) his two "kids". Despite the low odds I think he has a better chance than not of making it.

I am however on a time clock due to Ace's extreme ill health. I don't believe he will see another week naturally if I don't do this.

I'm leaning towards not doing it slightly but I think I could cover the cost if I needed to. I leave the floor open and await the inevitable pile on for not putting the cat down when I said I would. Now however I am at peace knowing I have all the info I need to make a decision.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:55 pm

The x ray fee was also extremely minimal. Through experience I learn that x rays cost between one and two hundred dollars. The x ray visit and cat meds (not just for ace) ran a hundred fifty.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:15 pm

I wish the best for you and your fur kids. I understand how it is with pets...and now a spouse. So nothing piling on from me. I find it all heartbreaking. Hell I find seeing an old pic of a place we used to go sad. So Im no help. the best to you all.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:32 pm

Daehawk wrote: ↑Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:15 pm I wish the best for you and your fur kids. I understand how it is with pets...and now a spouse. So nothing piling on from me. I find it all heartbreaking. Hell I find seeing an old pic of a place we used to go sad. So Im no help. the best to you all.

And to you Dae.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:45 pm

I didn't sleep last night, tossing and turning over Ace. The not knowing was killing me. It might have cost me but at least now I see the problem, I have the facts and I can make a truly informed decision.

stimpy · Post by **stimpy** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:12 pm

Drazzil wrote: ↑Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:46 pm I leave the floor open and await the inevitable pile on for not putting the cat down when I said I would. Now however I am at peace knowing I have all the info I need to make a decision.

Maybe not so inevitable? The lack of replies may mean either you're losing your audience or you're doing exactly what most everyone knows you're going to do, which is doing whatever you want no matter the advice.
It gets old, man. But whatever......

Alefroth · Post by **Alefroth** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:14 pm

If you can afford it and it might make Ace better, go for it.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:16 pm

Drazzil's gonna Draz. The vet gave you more information, but at the end of the day you're possibly electing to perform invasive surgery on a 15 year old cat. If that's what you want to do, then that's what you do. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think anyone is going to pile on. Well, unless you come back in here next week and say you spent $5k for surgery, lost your job for taking off of work to care for a cat and are now in danger of having your electricity shut off. Even then, not a pile on. More like a yeah, what did you expect?

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:31 pm

I'll just extend my sympathy. Parting with a pet is hard, especially if you think you might have bought him another year or so. Parting with a lot of money for a questionable return is hard, too, especially when you don't have a way to replace it. Neither choice is good and I'm not going to presume to tell you which one is right.

Sorry, man.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:56 pm

stimpy wrote: ↑Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:12 pm
Drazzil wrote: ↑Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:46 pm I leave the floor open and await the inevitable pile on for not putting the cat down when I said I would. Now however I am at peace knowing I have all the info I need to make a decision.
Maybe not so inevitable? The lack of replies may mean either you're losing your audience or you're doing exactly what most everyone knows you're going to do, which is doing whatever you want no matter the advice.
It gets old, man. But whatever......

You know. Yeah. You're totally right. I went against everything I was told, and at some point you guys will say "Why bother the time to reply at all, obviously this guy isin't listening"

Not heeding good advice is a serious and repeated character flaw of mine, perhaps my worst. One I try to work on.

I won't try to make excuses. I just had to know what was making my best friend sick. I tried to follow advice. I went to the vet clinic to put him down, but then I couldn't do it. Too much was unknown.

One of the worst experiences I had in my life was around three years ago when I elected not to take my very ill siamese to a specialist to check her liver. I thought she was getting better but she died in the most horrible manner possible.

The next cat who died was ill too, but I thought she was stable. When I went to Oregon she died very badly. On the kitchen floor uncomforted with no one to help her.

To this day I'm still nagged by doubts, like "What could I have done differently?"

I didn't want to put him to sleep without *knowing* the health issue that was killing him. By ruling out the issues with easy fixes now I know that Ace is truly gravely ill and it isint something a few pills could cure.

I didn't want to throw Ace away. I love him. I know it's wrong to think of it this way but I will still wrestle with guilt if I put him down. I will feel like I'm trading his life for filthy lucre.

Even as the rational part of me knows that he's an old cat who had/has a REALLY good life, and he's very ill and old and I have to ask myself am I putting my wants over his peace, and I feel guilt for that too!

My biggest problem. Thinking I know best. Fuck I'm messed up.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:52 pm

Kraken wrote: ↑Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:31 pm I'll just extend my sympathy. Parting with a pet is hard, especially if you think you might have bought him another year or so. Parting with a lot of money for a questionable return is hard, too, especially when you don't have a way to replace it. Neither choice is good and I'm not going to presume to tell you which one is right.

Sorry, man.

Ayup. Neither choice is good, and while I dither and haw my best friend in the world suffers. I am unbelievably selfish.

I thought sleeping on it would be the thing to do, I woke up just as conflicted as when I went to bed.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now.

Edit for: Ace is on pain meds now so maybe he's not suffering as much.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Thu Mar 28, 2019 8:51 pm

Wrestling about what to do about the cat aside, boy have things changed in the last few years when it comes to job seeking. Ever since I put in a resume to indeed I'm getting e mails from companies asking me to apply, and there not automated, as I might have ignored a few just to get calls from companies wondering why I haven't applied with them lately.

I need new interview clothes as the old ones dont fit. I gained a few inches in the last few months. Off to do that tomorrow.

Can't interview without clothes.

EDIT FOR: I realize that this is a bit of a change in tone from my post just a few hours ago, because I've cime to a conclusion on the cat.

I have to roll the dice, if the cat can still physically get the surgery I'm going to do it. I will find another job *somewhere*. This won't break me.

Ace is my best friend in the world and this will NOT be the last money I earn so, I think I'm going for it. I've spent FAR more money on FAR stupider things then love.

killbot737 · Post by **killbot737** » Thu Mar 28, 2019 8:52 pm

Drazzil wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:52 pm Edit for: Ace is on pain meds now so maybe he's not suffering as much.

Seriously? You know what is right for your pet and you dither. You cause him more pain. Fuck you.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:02 pm

killbot737 wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 8:52 pm
Drazzil wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:52 pm Edit for: Ace is on pain meds now so maybe he's not suffering as much.
Seriously? You know what is right for your pet and you dither. You cause him more pain. Fuck you.

I *didn't* know what was right for him till today. They can't even operate on him till next thursday. It's a complex two doctor surgery.

As far as the fuck me part. Maybe I deserve that. Sorry to offend. I know you love and get emotionally invested in animals and probabally have a much healthier view towards them then I do. If I were in your shoes I'd probabally say "fuck you" too. I know you have only the best of intentions.

One small point to bring up, it only took me a day to come to a decision and the operation can't be done till next thursday (I'm going to TRY to get it done sooner.)

Alefroth · Post by **Alefroth** » Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:59 pm

Drazzil wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:02 pm I know you love and get emotionally invested in animals and probabally have a much healthier view towards them then I do. If I were in your shoes I'd probabally say "fuck you" too. I know you have only the best of intentions.

I bet he has a less healthy view of animals than you think.

Whatever the intentions, 'fuck you' isn't a helpful response. Don't legitimize it.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:06 am

You know those price quotes and promises not to charge you...you got those in writing, right?

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:21 am

Alefroth wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:59 pm
Drazzil wrote: ↑Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:02 pm I know you love and get emotionally invested in animals and probabally have a much healthier view towards them then I do. If I were in your shoes I'd probabally say "fuck you" too. I know you have only the best of intentions.

I bet he has a less healthy view of animals than you think.

Whatever the intentions, 'fuck you' isn't a helpful response. Don't legitimize it.

No it's not. I'm just trying to avoid the conflict. Thats not my thing anymore. I'm thinking I may put him to sleep tomorrow. I dont believe he can survive another week till vets schedule frees up. I've put him thru enough. I'm going to try to arrange the surgery saturday at the latest, and if vet cant do it, the needle tomorrow. I can't bear it anymore. I struggle with thought process and decision making but I'm just trying my best.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:22 am

Kraken wrote: ↑Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:06 am You know those price quotes and promises not to charge you...you got those in writing, right?

quotes yes. promise to not charge if he dies no, I would of course get that square.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:58 pm

I woke up this morning and I knew that next thursday surgery was too late. I was keeping him around for me not him.

Took him this morning to be put to sleep, I stayed with him the whole time. He died peacefully right next to me practically in my arms.

RIP Ace.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:00 pm

So sorry Draz. Find comfort in mercy.

Isgrimnur · Post by **Isgrimnur** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:01 pm

I’m sorry for your loss.

em2nought · Post by **em2nought** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:01 pm

Sorry about your cat.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:04 pm

Smoove_B wrote: ↑Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:00 pm So sorry Draz. Find comfort in mercy.

I did the right thing. If I could do the surgery earlier I would have. Trumpet and Duchess are going to be devistated.

Alefroth · Post by **Alefroth** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:13 pm

You did the best thing you could for him. So sorry.

Blackhawk · Post by **Blackhawk** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:20 pm

Sometimes the right thing is the thing that sucks the most. I'm sorry.

Grifman · Post by **Grifman** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:26 pm

Drazzil wrote: ↑Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:58 pm

I woke up this morning and I knew that next thursday surgery was too late. I was keeping him around for me not him.

Took him this morning to be put to sleep, I stayed with him the whole time. He died peacefully right next to me practically in my arms.

RIP Ace.

You did the right thing, sorry for your loss.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:35 pm

Sorry man. Ive not had to make that choice. Been close once. Hope I never do. Stupid life and its choices. I suck at decision making. You could have asked my wife. She would have agreed. Its why I let her take it all on her. Just between 2 games or magazines Id stand there over half an hour. Id stand there hours if she didn't decide. And when I did make choices I was either wrong or they sucked. Yet thats what I have to do now. Again sorry Draz.

Scuzz · Post by **Scuzz** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:38 pm

Drazzil wrote: ↑Fri Mar 29, 2019 12:58 pm

I woke up this morning and I knew that next thursday surgery was too late. I was keeping him around for me not him.

Took him this morning to be put to sleep, I stayed with him the whole time. He died peacefully right next to me practically in my arms.

RIP Ace.

I am truly sorry about your cat. We had one with cancer last year and after trying to see how she could live with it we finally realized putting her to sleep was the best thing to do. Damn hard but better for her, not just us.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 2:45 pm

Heres some good news: My license has been restored. Should be able to drive by next week, as soon as I get insurance.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 2:54 pm

Sorry about Ace. You weighed the alternatives carefully and did the merciful thing, hard as that was to accept.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:00 pm

Kraken wrote: ↑Fri Mar 29, 2019 2:54 pm Sorry about Ace. You weighed the alternatives carefully and did the merciful thing, hard as that was to accept.

I'm sad but I feel more at peace then I have been since this whole thing started.

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Sat Mar 30, 2019 12:54 am

As sad as it was you no longer have to worry about it.
Small comfort I know.

Drazzil · Post by **Drazzil** » Tue May 07, 2019 6:59 pm

Dear friends: It is bittersweet news that I post today. First the bad news; I relapsed. Back in December I posted about losing my license. I tried mightily to try to find a ride but was unsucessful. I did not place high enough value on my sobriety. I relapsed the beginning of march.

My mental process was in a messed up place and I called the dispensary and went to the liquor shop. Without getting into embarassing detail; we will just say that just about instantly things got *SO MUCH* worse. I lost financially, morally, and psychogically.

I continued in my addiction until I lost every single thing I gained in my five months of sobriety. When I hit bottom in this relatively short time I had to come to one absolutely unavoidable conclusion. I am an alchaholic addict . I will never be able to enjoy good time substances without totally destroying my life.

Shortly after Ace died (that night in fact) I came to this conclusion, but even then it took me till just recently to recommit to sobriety. I knew I would again have to enter the pit of sadness and dispair.

A day after I threw out the booze and bud, I descended into a pit of dispair and anxiety known as withdrawal. I spent the first few days on the couch sweating, screaming and filled with anxious dispair of all the mistakes I've made in the last few years. Thinking about how my life could blow up in my face further. I could do nothing but lie on the couch and cry and be anxious for 4 or 5 days straight. I sat staring at the wall and listened to Dan Carlins Hardcore history and waited for things to clear. I couldn't eat for three days. The next two I had a single bowl of corn flakes a day.

Now I've been sober again for six days and slowly, gradually, things are returning to normal. I am still depressed and terribly anxious (from past experience this takes a month to completely clear) but I'm feeling better every day.

Of course this sets the job search back some but that's part of the loss I am recovering from. In addition I'm coming to some unabashed good news.

I am finally, after YEARS of feeling trapped, found a way out of San Bernardino. I can take the section 8 that my mom has and remove her from the lease. She is much better off where she is then at home, I'm pretty sure she is cool with it, and forcing her to move out of state away from her friends and church would be cruel.

I talked with HUD in Portland Oregon and if my inital information obtained is correct would seem that I can get transfered over very easily.

My cats are no longer an issue. 4 of the 5 cats I have are dead and one is dying, so even if I can't have cats it's not an issue to give away the two youngest and be completely cat free if need be. Also 99% of the stuff I have is completely disposable. I can literally pack everything I want to keep in my Corolla. The only valuable things I will need to leave behind is a few 12 year old plasma sets.

I am sorry that I haven't posted up in a while guys. I was terribly ashamed of myself. You guys deserve by the sheer amount of my bullshit you have put up with, an update on the way things are going.

I've been posting here for years then ignoring the very good advice I get here, then posting about how miserable things are in a manner which led a lot of people to pass my threads on by, writing me off as a troll or just completely uncoachable. This is a major flaw of mine.

Take jobs for example. In AA, it's said again and again that people need to work and pay their own way. My sponsor said, as many of you have that I need to hold my nose and take a job to start at zero. There is nothing wrong with that, but my pride says

"I worked too hard to take some BS job that pays nothing again"

It was a hard truth to finally come to that my current skills probabally won't let me make what I was making previously. Sucks for me. Shouldn't have sued you know who and quit. I left a good stable job that I could easily have retired with. Hindsight being 20/20 that was some addict thinking shit. Now I have to pay for it, swallow my pride and start over at 36.

Oh well. I can't give in to the negative thinking (What if Walgreen's was the only place that would have put up with me? What if I can never find a good job again and wind up on the street forever? My cats could be homeless and I could be dead under a bridge in two years. )

I have to be courageous and make a move becauase letting "What if?" keep me from taking mild risks with major gains. I need to be courageous enough to take an entry level job again because I can't think that I'm just too special to do what a hell of a lot of more messed up people then me have done many times before. Rebuild.

I want to thank those of you who have given me good advice over the years despite all of my antics and plead inperfection to those who may be flabbergasted by my idiocy.

In case I didn't mention this before, I'm going to meetings again. I havent used for six days.

The first time I tried to go sober I lasted 30 days. The second time almost six months. I never want to touch that shit again and I am once again trying to do a meeting every day, maybe third times a charm.