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Wife in hospital..stroke

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Daehawk
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:43 pm

Ive been watching YouTube videos. Used the PC more today than since I took her to the hospital. Feel guilty. I checked the post dates on all videos to compare to her .

Ive been looking through posts I made here before she got sick and died. I had no idea what was coming. If I had Id not even been on here. Im just sad and sick.

Im actually passing some time today but when I am down Im WAY down and much worse than the week before.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Sat Jan 12, 2019 8:59 pm

Credit life and disability insurance is totally a thing.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:56 pm

Zarathud wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:46 pm
The insurance may be part of the mortgage.
Doesn't sound like it. Their insurance and property tax were not escrowed (which surprised me given their bankruptcy, seems like the lender would want to control that) - he has stated that they paid those separately.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:03 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:42 pm
Ill see if I can figure out what that means.
No. need, I'll tell you. In Chapter 13 your debts are restructured so that you can continue to pay them off. In Chapter 7, the court and your creditors realize that you are unable to pay. Your debts are written, you no longer have to pay. Given your circumstance, I believe a court (I'm no lawyer) would realize you can't pay it back. and would write off your non-mortgage debt - I'm assuming that debt is unsecured, like credit card debt.
Thank you for continuing to try and support and help me. I appreciate it.
I wish I could do more.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:08 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:42 pm
I dont have anything with a policy number on it but the house insurance. Other stuff I have are insurance papers with her name and thanks for payment and such from a few years ago. Im hoping some place ....like the accidental death insurance place....also has another life insurance one. I didn't think to call and ask last week.
Can you tell if your wife was making annual or monthly payments? Most people pay it monthly. If she wasn't continuing to make monthly payments (and it doesn't sound like she was),then I suspect when things got tight, she stopped making the payments and you don't have anything.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 12, 2019 11:24 pm

Knowing life, probably not.

I used my PC all day today. A first since I rushed my little one to the hospital. I simply watched YouTube videos all day. The ones I knew D liked or would like I just couldn't enjoy. It was like I was dead. No emotion...or I bawled. It doesn't seem fair she cant see them. The ones I like and knew she would never care to view with me I got a little fun out of . A little.

May try some Xbox 360 DOOM. I did that a little as I tried to get sleepy last night. Only thing Ive played and Ive never played it before I dont think. Feel bad doing it sorta.

Donna's ashes urn is on the table about 9" from the bed spot she always slept in. I sleep in that spot now not mine. Still not moved much ..only her gown really. Didn't want to keep sleeping on it. Its comforting and not comforting. I think more than not so thats ok.

On the 20th our cousins..her side and very sweet ladies....have set up a church hall potluck get together. Me and Donna always went for everyone else when someone died. Now its my turn to go alone. I think it will be nice and a nightmare to get through at the same time. I will laugh some Im sure..maybe a lot because they're all funny and sweet and crazy. Like Donna. But to be at one and no Donna...to know its her's. I just dont know. They're also trying to look after me some I know. Last weekend they brought me 5 bowls of food. Ive only ate 1 and a half.

Donna died but so did I but not in the best way.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:47 am

Im upset. My wife's obit for the Sunday paper came out online first and it has two errors. One they spelled her mothers last name wrong even though its right beside her dad's last name.........worse they misspelled a word in the gofundme link. Now it leads to a gofundme error page....wtf do I do...the paper is printed and out I bet.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:52 am

Daehawk wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:47 am
Im upset. My wife's obit for the Sunday paper came out online first and it has two errors. One they spelled her mothers last name wrong even though its right beside her dad's last name.........worse they misspelled a word in the gofundme link. Now it leads to a gofundme error page....wtf do I do...the paper is printed and out I bet.
All you can do is complain and see what they say.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:59 am

Such is life.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Alefroth » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:07 am

Daehawk wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:47 am
Im upset. My wife's obit for the Sunday paper came out online first and it has two errors. One they spelled her mothers last name wrong even though its right beside her dad's last name.........worse they misspelled a word in the gofundme link. Now it leads to a gofundme error page....wtf do I do...the paper is printed and out I bet.
At least the online one can be changed and I'd think that's the one that would get used most.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 9:12 am

We thought so too but we had to get the paper one because so many were asking. Maybe its because our family is an older generation.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Kraken » Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:50 am

Alefroth wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:07 am
Daehawk wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:47 am
Im upset. My wife's obit for the Sunday paper came out online first and it has two errors. One they spelled her mothers last name wrong even though its right beside her dad's last name.........worse they misspelled a word in the gofundme link. Now it leads to a gofundme error page....wtf do I do...the paper is printed and out I bet.
At least the online one can be changed and I'd think that's the one that would get used most.
If you complain, they will most likely offer either a refund (if it was a paid obit) or a reprint.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 12:00 pm

Talked to the funeral home co owner. The name was the papers fault and the link their own fault. He said he'd ask the paper for a refund or a reprint in this weeks paper but he doubted they would comply as they haven't before. He said he'd post it correctly on their own website online and that he may try and repay himself for the paper to run ti again. I doubt much will happen.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:33 pm

I don't remember seeing it, can you post the link to the obituary?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:34 pm

Ill just post the one for the funeral home.

ill spoiler it so the net bots dont see it..
This is the gofundme
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Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Zarathud » Sun Jan 13, 2019 3:39 pm

Your newspaper audience is those who will show up (a donation box will fill the role for them). Your online audience is likely to click a link.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Kasey Chang » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:40 pm

Not sure if I talked about it before, but my aunt (uncle's wife) went into a coma from an undiagnosed brain injury a few years back. She was overweight but on her way back to health with my uncle's help, and their daughter (my cousin) is about to get married. Then BOOM! She hit her head, didn't mention it. Just complained of a headache. Went through the day fine. Went to bed, and never woke up. They got her to the hospital, but apparently, she had cranial bleeding and it's too late to do anything. She passed away less than a week later. I am not good talking about things like that, but I figure I should share. Life is fragile, and report all injuries. Better to be safe and sorry and all that. Any way, my condolences.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:43 pm

Not having a grave thing right now. Plot is $300. Hanging onto it for a little bit to see how it all goes with bills. Her urn is beside the bed for now where she slept and watched tv. Its a little comforting...and saddening.

Wanted to share another pic. May 18 2013...6 years this May. So happy and healthy and alive were we. She looked and acted so much younger than almost everyone.

Enlarge Image
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 7:36 pm

Re read page 3 again. She was doing so amazing. All I can do is cry and ask over and over why why why? I dont get it at all. I guess no one ever does. But damn it hurts. That smile and talking to me. Those eyes. All gone. :( Not fair.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Zarathud » Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:13 pm

My father in law was about to be discharged into rehab in 12 hours when he died. He was in bad shape for a few weeks and was improving. You never know when someone is going to lose a struggle.

Remember the opportunity you had to let her know how you felt. Not everyone has that.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by stimpy » Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:46 pm

Zarathud wrote:
Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:13 pm
Remember the opportunity you had to let her know how you felt. Not everyone has that.
So much this. Try to stop dwelling on the negative and be thankful for the time you had together.
It makes my dookie twinkle.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 9:04 pm

Im sorry zara. The getting better then the insta loss is both horrible and comforting at the same time to me.

I will one day perhaps. Perhaps not .Ive always been more emotional. I dont think Ill ever get past this. Some yes Im sure. But not as much as others might. Its taken myself away.

I always pick out video loops for the holidays or backgrounds..like Halloween ones and Thanksgiving ones. She wanted a cornucopia one for Thanksgiving so we picked it together. Not sure where it is but I did just now see the crackling fireplace for Dec. Its still there. A 10 hour loop of a video of a fireplace....sound and all. I would start it and turn up the sound and make the back lighting I stuck on the monitor red. It was like a little fireplace on the desk. And each night we'd fall asleep to it. So very sad now to me but also a wonderful memory. Maybe I can appreciate it one day for what it was to us. If I never lose it.

She has been gone 10 days! omg. Why am I still here!? This is what I am always asking..why why. Thats how Im doing btw.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Jaddison » Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:26 pm

Brian,

You don't ever get over things like this, you just learn to live them a little better as time passes and pass it will.

Grief and sorrow are seasons of the soul. At some point you will be ready for the seasons to change but I wouldn't put any additional pressure on yourself about whether you are "getting over it" or not.

Fresh air and some slow measured breaths can have almost magical calming effects even if it is painful to get up and step outside.

If you believe in an afterlife, and it appears you do, try to find strength in the knowledge that your wife would want you to be well and be happy until you are reunited again. I know that is hard because of the loss of connection but there is more strength in all of us than we know and our hearts are stronger than we know- they don't break even though it feels that way- beat up for sure, bruised but never broken.

As hard as it is to get through each day, only time will lessen the pain and even then there will be moments where it all comes back as though it just happened.....but you learn that you will get through those moments as well.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:12 am

Thank you for those words. I remember many losses over the decades..mom , dad, another mom , dad......so many pets. Ive actually felt worse over the pets than the people I always said. They were closer , more recently.

But this is beyond anything I could have imagined or told myself to expect. Its all empty now..the world, the home, my life and soul. Im tired of simply posting such sadness in this thread. Its all I seem to have...sadness, some regrets, pain, no future. Ill hear Donna's words to me sometimes...Ill remember what she did or would do now or say.....I get small breaks in my brokenness. Then it hits me harder than before and Im just sobbing uncontrollably and sometimes yelling at the ceiling asking why...demanding WHY!? I dont understand I say. I understand life. I dont understand God's reasoning at times. Donna would always say God didn't do the bad things. Id ask why he let it happen and she'd say its the way of life and the world.

Other times I will be joking and imagine seeing her smile or laugh at my silliness. Sometimes that even happens in my torture. Ill be in the middle of whats basically a crying fit and do or say something that instantly hits me as something Donna would find funny and Im out of the sadness and chuckling saying "I know hon I know...you're laughing at me. I get it. I know".

I can sit at the PC now most of the day. Not playing..just trying to find a way to get through this mess and prepare for the next day's battles. I watch videos and read the news. I get a little time in on the TV with Netflix and Hulu. ....BTW Hulu is $1 a month for a year. Got Donna a deal for Christmas. Ironic huh? And a nice person on OO gave me a $50 Netflix pass. Donna would have loved it. See? Donna would have loved this. I wish Donna could see this. And on and on. I ate the last banana tonight. It was almost rotten. The way Donna loved. I got that entire bunch for her.

Then After some calm Im worried about bills or about to puke from crying and raving. Then Im calm and feeling bad Im calm and not crying. Then Im passing time again.

As I told an online buddy tonight.....this is no longer my life. Im hollow. I am adrift and lost. I cannot see. I cannot hear. I lost my soulmate..my other half of me. My better sweeter cuter half. :) Life holds no great joys or one to look forward to. They are behind me in my memories. In the years we simply lived and loved. They passed so fast we didn't notice. Did we waste them? No not for the most part. Telling each other dozens of times a day "I love you"...loving...traveling...shopping....just being right together. Not a waste at all.

If I regret something I can put a finger on its my pain medicine. It took me away in ways. I was a bit zombie like. If I took too much and ran low or out due to hurting so bad I moved to the couch to sleep because I kicked so bad and had to flip and flop all night and sleep in bits of 20 min then 10 then 1 hour and get up so much. At times I slept there nearly 2 weeks some months. I wasted our time. I told her I was wasting what we had left. I told her I was afraid we didn't have as much time as we had already gotten. She would say no its ok. Do what you have to to rest. She understood. But I know in my heart it bothered her. It bothered me.

I could fuss or yell at the house. Think I scared her a little. Wasn't yelling at her or mad at her. Never was. Could be in the other room even fussing. Still wasn't right.

I planned to get surgery this year and quit them. She said many times to stay on it until I got the surgery. I needed them for the pain plus if I quit they'd just dope me up again and Id have to endure withdrawal and quitting twice. So I waited. She died. Now I have quit anyways. I haven't had one since the day I rushed her in Dec 28. Its affecting me but not as it used to. I think Im too numb for opiates to get to me. My sister says to stay off that crap. My body will detox from that crap soon enough. Shall see.

Im in bad to severe pain in my kidney with some back pains. But I wont go back. I am cancelling my appt even this week. And just being off I feel Im somehow betraying her because I didn't quit 2 years ago.

I noticed this morning in the car to pick up a Sunday paper with her obit in it...which hurt me.....I have no fear of death now. I wont try and hurt myself on purpose. But I used to want to live forever to be with her. I was careful and I feared death. Now I have no fear. In the car I dont care of a wreck...walking the town I dont care if Im hit. I dont care if someone breaks in. Would I drink and drive, walk into the street without looking, or leave the home unlocked at night? No . No I wouldn't. But if something does befall me Im ok with it. It wouldn't be a tragedy it would be a gift. And yes I know I sound like a insane madman . I get that vibe myself. No worries Im not nuts.

And Im typing too much info again. I just let it out as if Im at a shrink...no offense to any psychology folk here.

My life is not my life.

As you can clearly tell as I write sappy novels instead of posts. I dont know how you guys put up with me. Im surprised my membership has not been revoked. You are all saints.

Addon: As I re read this post before submitting I saw this line. Maybe I should sell it to a terrible card company.
Im hollow. I am adrift and lost. I cannot see. I cannot hear. I lost my soulmate..my other half of me.
Donna was the poet. A real poet. She could write a beautiful one to bring joy or tears in an hour with barely any rewrites. Has a book, many poems, and lots of requests over the years. That line there I wrote is a good one from me..Im lucky if I could write a parking ticket. :)..see? humor.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Zarathud » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:45 am

It's not about getting over it. It's about not giving up to grief.

If you start forgetting there were good things in your life -- this ends badly for you. You don't have a safety net. I don't think she would want you to give up and die.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Remus West » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:24 am

I have no words. Losing my father has caused me so much pain I can not imagine losing my wife. When I take my time to cry tonight part of the pain I let out will be for your loss as well. :cry:
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:52 am

Today is another early to go info hunt day.

Social Security to find if Im even allowed to earn any extra money. If so how much.

State Farm to see if they got my own account going

Find car title or go by court house for either info or a copy

Dollar Store for large zip lock bags to store her gown and maybe another item or two in to keep the scent. This one is strange and I just dont know.

Bankruptcy place to see if I can find out how much on the house is left to pay

Then I have over half a dozen calls to make to try and find loan and insurance info. Im in the dark STILL on it all. I dont think there is anything.

And in all that Ill be upset sad and crying off and on. I wake up each day and it hits me Im alone..totally alone here in life. She is gone. Nothing will change in that area.

I have not dreamed anything at all since she died. Not a single thing. Its black. Last night before bed I begged and prayed to see her in a dream even just to talk and hug and kiss perhaps. Nothing. Always nothing. I used to tell Donna "I think we may have died a long time ago and not noticed" because our lived had gotten so bad...no one around us, we did nothing, we felt bad. She'd say "Nah it will get better"......Id go back and live like that if I could.

Sometimes over our lives Id worry about a dog getting old and wonder where Id bury it. It would be many years or months before it did die. I know thats all coincidence in my mind. But recently I wondered and worried about Donna and what could happen someday. I instantly told myself not to think like that you know what happens. Here it is. I now try to think about my own death. Dark thoughts.

Donna has been dead and gone 11 days. Unbelievable to me. hard to take. It is not registering as 11 days. Almost 2 weeks. I love her. I need her. I miss her. I cant live without her. And yet here I am. I think she is happy and healthy now. I think she is with all the family she so missed. I think she is shooting hoops and now she knows who really killed JFK :). It was her obsession. . She is well. I have that small comfort.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 1:02 pm

Had to go around town to do business stuff. I always got the door for her. I held her hand as we walked side by side. Now its empty space.

In Dollar Store I noticed the Valentines stuff is coming out. That is going to kill me. Valentines was always a good one for us as were so in love. Looking at all the stuff and finding a stuffed animal for her. Damn.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:33 pm

I'm still keeping up with this thread and, FWIW, continue to send prayer your way.

Things to consider - I know that you are working a lot of tasks right now, but you might want to add the following:
1. Sounds like you need a (new) will. Up to now everything was jointly held and you were largely out of the loop. You need to eventually figure out how to leave things when its your time. If you work hard to retain the family home, you might want to consider making sure it stays in the family. Alternately, you might want to give it to some charity like Habitat for Humanity.
2. You should also assemble notes about all of your logins and accounts as you straighten all of this out. You might need help or reminders at some point.
3. If you are contacting all of these support/SS groups and agencies for assistance, maybe remember to get the ball rolling on the surgery you mentioned needing. It would be a beneficial element in your life to be working towards improving your quality of life. It will give you something to look forward to.

Possible jobs might include some sort of online moderator or social media work. There is a lot of streaming content or social media content which is very active and needs constant live moderation of comments.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 5:47 pm

A nicely made book arrived from Amazon today to me. Its called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Seems to be an anonymous gift from someone. Ive never received something this way before. Unless some of the cousins sent it to me then it must be someone on OO. If so thank you. I haven't read anything in decades but Ill try to put effort into it. Never know. If not then Im still hunting the sender. Thanks again. Sweet of whoever did this.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by hitbyambulance » Mon Jan 14, 2019 5:51 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:52 am


Dollar Store for large zip lock bags to store her gown and maybe another item or two in to keep the scent. This one is strange and I just dont know.

pro-tip - don't keep the garment stored in an air-tight bag for many months, as it will mildew/mold. you will want to look this up online to see the best storage practices.

also, you may want to keep some of the online videos that are sentimental to you, as you never know when they'll be taken offline. use a browser-based video downloader extension to save them to your hard drive.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 7:51 pm

I dont know of any videos. Like ours? Ill have to look at FB but we didn't post stuff. All this stuff since she died is me. Us together were pretty private.

More stupidity to take care of. Two new things which shouldn't be and Im not sure how they are.

One bank when I call to check balance is suddenly saying by computer "Sorry but this account has been closed"....I have money in there. Its my damn account. I didn't close it. So doing that tomorrow. This is the same bank that last week said dont worry you can leave everything as is.

Also Social Security sent me a letter. They are saying a bunch of stuff. Like....the person who was my payee will no longer be my payee. They are looking for a new one. You requested a change to the bank your money went into to. We'll do this but you should keep you old one open until it changes which could be 2 months. When you payments start again they'll give me all they owe me and what they decide about a new payee.If I get a new payee myself I must go to SS and fill out a form letting them know.

SO WITF is going on?? I went LAST WEEK and made myself my own payee. I had them fill out all the paperwork and computer. So now I have to go back tomorrow and find out what part of SS is brain dead. And if they withhold 2 payments Im dead. No home. And if they try to send it to that closed bank account Im dead. No home. Im sick now.

After all this work Ive done so far.Ill sue somehow.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:37 pm

So many thoughts. My first in the morning is Donna is not here and never will be. All day alone again.

Seems the longer I stay calm now the worse my breakdown later.

Hit me as I saw a pic from the first Top Gun. Donna and me love that movie. She was looking forward to Top Gun 2. She would ask me about it . :(
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:20 am

My mind reminded me how she used to like for me to call her Blondie. id called her Blondie or Blondie Greeneyes. Sigh. Just a thought passing through my brain.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Hrothgar » Tue Jan 15, 2019 12:41 am

You really should see your doctor. The office can help you sign up for free or reduced price medicines. Each of the big drug companies has a program that's designed to help someone like you with a fixed income. Being on disability should make it easier to apply. Here is the link for Merck, but they all have one. Your doctor can help you find the right medicine and program.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 15, 2019 8:25 am

Medicines were cheap. My meds other than my muscle relaxer ran me a like $8. The Robaxin was about $18 I think. Its the doc that costs. Like $35 a visit. I cant afford an extra $35 a month.

I just found out they closed my Regions account. Have to go figure that out today. The bankruptcy comes out of that auto withdrawal so have to fix it.

SS sent me a that letter. So Im not sure Im getting my check this next month. One month I may fly....2 I lose the home.

I also have to look into a part time job. I have been able to work since I was a teenager. My spine is shot. I cant even take care of my home. The house and yard are a mess. Especially the yard. The self pull lawnmower has helped a lot but other things just sit and grow. Or rot. Plus these days my kidney is in severe pain and hurt if I sit up, lay down, or just walk. I cant work yet I must find part time work somehow. If I can work a little I could save the home and all. But Between my physical and mental I dont know.

SO much to just drive me insane its amazing. I cant sleep good. Its rolling in my head. Im worried Ill never get the house paid off now.

I really just want to die. Simple easy fix. But I cant do it myself so I have no idea when it could happen. Perhaps the stress or all this driving a car wreck. We never went anywhere but the doc , the pharmacy, and the food store. Thats 1 trip per week or 1 every 2 weeks for us. Ive gone more than a years worth before in the first half of Jan. And all I think is I want Donna.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Zitterbacke » Tue Jan 15, 2019 2:42 pm

You have to pull off a lot of stuff right at the moment, and your wife would be proud of you. You have to hang in there to make up to that, she would in your place, right?
Losing the house would be awful, but in the end, as long as you find a place to stay, it doesn't matter, because you lived there with Donna, and now she lives in your heart, so she is always where you are.

I believe there must be someone you can talk to about finances and in your case inability to work, social-worker, something like that, offered by official places in town, to find out who to approach. That would clear a bit of the rotating mind, I guess.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 15, 2019 7:17 pm

I sure hope so. SS says no help. I seriously doubt there is any at this point but never know.

Took care of bank. I cant use it but I left the little money in it as is in case something needs to clear. They said I have to close it out by the first week of Feb so thats all good. Ill have one bank to mess with that way so easier maybe. They'll give me what cash is left so I should be a whole $50 or so richer.

Made some prints of photos for Donna's memorial and her little pamphlets. Remembrances. Like $6. Felt kinda bad as I never once thought to enlarge her favorite photo of us. Its that one with us young and in a photo booth at the mall cheek to cheek in 1990 or 1980 or so. She loved it. She even had a key chain made of it. But Now I have a 8x10 of it and though I love it and will frame it some day when I get a frame fro ma thrift store I feel awful for never making her one. I cant now.

Funeral home will have the little booklets ready in time for me to take to the family potluck in Donna's honor and my behalf Sunday.

Bankruptcy gave me another problem. It DID withdraw this month which is great but next month that bank will be closed. So I have to take in my payment. BUT...they said the bankruptcy court / trustee will never set it back up for another auto withdrawal. You only get one. Doesn't matter that its not my fault and beyond me ability to control. They WILL NOT set it up for my current account.

I have 2 choices...take a cashiers check or money order into the law offices EACH MONTH for them to mail....or.....set up an auto pay through a thing they use called TFS. I guess its safe as they use it. Not sure what to do yet.

Am forced to look for part time work. Its not "Oh poor sit at home shit has to get out and do what others do. I truly am disabled because of my spine since I was a child. All x-rays and doctors can prove that one. Plus I was approved b ya federal judge in a federal court in a federal building. If thats not official enough I don't know what is. Finding a 4-5 hour a day job 4-5 days a week from around 11am-5pm is going to be hell.

I get 9 trial months to see if I can work. If I make no more than $879 a month I don't use any months. If I make $880 or above I remove 1 month. After I remove 9 trial months the work begins and I can make $1200 a month near...any over that and they take or garnish my disability.

Ill be luck to get work and make $400 a month. But anything will be great. If I can do it....my back is shit and my mind does not work with boss types...but my kidney is KILLING me daily. And I am off all pain meds. Take a single muscle relaxer at night...and they are almost gone.

I can see a light...maybe its a train. Just want to be with Donna. My life is empty and lonely and alone. I have only one emotion and its sadness. People say one day.....they dont know me or how me and Donna were like one person. Half of me fell away leaving the rest raw and useless. I just keep keeping on. I wont give up. I get mad now..Im going t ofight the world if I have to to keep our home and as best I can the way it was.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 15, 2019 9:14 pm

I think of my wife in everything I do. Getting the dog in from the cold I remember her reminding me to get him in its too cold. Checking the light under the porch at the well pump I remember her doing that. Dripping water so pipes dont freeze..her again.

Out getting in the dog a rock got into the sole of my house slippers. I checked and theres a a hole or split in the sole. Donna got me a new pair every Christmas because this happened. But this year we couldn't afford $12 slippers...or anything. So we planned to do it Jan ..now...or so. Its up to me. Wear these longer because hse got them...or buy new, switch and put these away never to trash.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:12 pm

Got 'a' death certificate today. Health dept has no paper to print them. Figures. I dont have it on me but as I recall it listed cause of death as sudden cardiac event or close to that.

Im suspicious. After her bypass surgery in 2014 she kept getting great reports. NO missfires in it like before. Strong and steady. No more anything with her heart. Her blood pressure dropped to normal. She took 3 meds...Im gonna misspell this stuff ;p......Carvedilol, Losartan, and Atorvastatin.

Her heart function..or ejection fraction Ill reguess at. 55% is normal. before surgery it was either high 20s or low 30s..as I recall. After surgery and in hospital for stroke even it was 42-46 or so?..Hard to recall now. But all was good it seemed.

During the code blue I heard the nurse tell the doc the monitoring room that watched the leads on her said he breathing went form 40 to 30 then 20 in a while then disappeared and they came to check. I think they were slow. I suspect a 2nd stroke but that would not explain why her heart would not pick up and beat with all the code blue meds in her..lots of epi as I recall.

they stopped compression in ICC and let me talk and caress her hair and arms and face as her heart beat down to flat. Horrible memories. Now Im crying. I cant live like this .

I just feel something went wrong and Ill never know. She is gone forever until I die. It just is soooo lonely and unreal and I have no life it seems. People tell me time and I'll get better and on..I know from other deaths it may get a bit better. But no one knows me and Donna and how we were one soul. Its going to be hard for me. And Im a very emotional caring guy anyways.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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