Wife in hospital..stroke

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Daehawk
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I see all these posts I started or typed. I see the dates. I had no idea. Couldn't have. Yet seeing me happy and normal is strange. I have no other feelings on them. Another life.

Something strange. Other than sleeping in her spot now. I always sleep in shorts and a lose shirt. But since Donna has been gone I cant . I tried. I have to sleep in my sweat pants. Its damn weird.

Ive discovered its really true...death & taxes.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I think whatever happened to Donna happened when she was alone. While I was gone I know. I feel sad about it and upset with myself and the hospital. I can only hope she wasn't aware or scared or in pain. I worry. She may have called for me. I hate not knowing stuff.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk »

Stop. Deliberately tormenting yourself is just another form of self harm. It isn't what you need, and it certainly isn't what she'd want for you.

Those thoughts will occur. It is natural. When they do, note them, and think about something else. Tell yourself - out loud if needed - "Stop! That isn't helping!" Distract yourself. Do not allow yourself to sit there and focus on those thoughts, or explore those thoughts, or imagine the situations they're about. Doing so is just intentionally hurting yourself.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I hate to see this thread slipping down. I know one day it will be lost in the pages. It saddens me knowing the good and the bad that happened here at the end of my wife's life. Our life. Such is the way of things.

Not much to update. Im actually home all day. Had nothing urgent. Ive sat and watched videos and FB chatted up my sister. The rest of the day so far has been spent crying and screaming "WHY!" a lot and crying more. Remembering things we did or planned to do. So much left we didn't get to. So much now lost to the past. So many worries and fears.

Im also a bit mad more now when Im upset. Im mad at so much ...not Donna at all. I wish she hadn't been taken from me. But not her fault at all. I love her with all my heart...my soul is entwined with hers forever. But Im still VERY upset with sadness and anger now. Im not getting better I dont think. My sister and you guys tell me Im doing good but I dont feel it.I dont see it. Im trying but I dont want to. I just want to join her. I always will. But I have to simply do what needs to be done. She would. And she would be doing it so much better than me.

I can hear her words....."Do whats best for you honey. You can do this. Im sorry Im not there. Do what you have to". I know her well after 31 years. She knew me well. So close. Now she is ripped from me and I am ripped apart. I feel selfish. She died and Im complaining about me. She was so strong. I leaned too much on her I think without knowing, and she never told me if so. So maybe not. Its life. Its love.

Im lost though..in every possible way I am lost and alone for the most part. You guys help SO very much along with my sister who I was not close to before and the cousins.

I have her memorial dinner Sunday. Going from 64 Sat to 40 Sun and then 18 that night and some snow spits that day. I feel its her or Gods way of showing the sorrow for her loss somehow. Its going to be so very difficult to go. We went to those together. Now its her's...and in a way mine....and theirs. I plan to read Donna's great 'From the Manger to the Cross' poem. She always read it so wonderfully for others when they lost someone or wanted a nice one read. I cant see good and I fear speaking in front of others. But this is for Donna and Im going to do my best.

Im in love still...but Im frightened and alone. Im lost yet I know Donna watches over me somehow. But I DEARLY need her here in the flesh as she always was...she could help with everything yes...but Id give it all up, do it all myself, anything to have her healthy happy and with me. I look like Im here....I look alive...I am not and never will be again.

I wish she was here to write too. She wrote so beautifully.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Paingod »

That anger may be the second stage of grief, and you are healing - believe it or not. It doesn't mean she'll go away in your heart, but as time goes on, you'll find it easier to cope and easier to live as normally as you can with her gone.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

Ive grown over my life to hate time. One day you are running and playing then shopping and loving then staying home then you are gone. Its too fast. I no longer have a reason to ride the time attraction.

Our life was perfect. Or as near as I think is possible. Now my perfect is gone. I am this way until my time I reckon.

Im being forced to go forward with my life and I dont want to.

Theres a song..Ive posted about here recently. The M*A*S*H theme. Its name is actually Suicide is Painless. It has many dark and sad but true'ish lines. One I found fascinating and I showed you guys and even Donna recently was this one...
The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
Very true. Feel free to look up the entire lyrics. Its the way I feel so close right now. Not the suicide part. I will not ever do that. I want to be with her in heaven for eternity and be happy by her side again never parting. I just feel so left behind and awash. Im moving forward as I have to. I dont have to enjoy or like it.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

Im going to attempt a non sad update on inane stuff around me. I just screamed and cried my eyes out so maybe its a good time.

Im being charged $10.97 from Microsoft as I said. I still cant figure out what it is. It MUST be something Xbox 360 related. It was Donna's business. I called MS and they cant find anything charging. In fact they dont see any charges. But each 10th of the month its charged. Even this month..Jan 10 2019...after Donna was gone 6 days..it charged. Im not sure to ask for it to be blocked or what. But it is in the closed account so it wont get anything anyways next month,

I watch videos or watch my streaming friend play a game at times on Twitch. But Im doing nothing of what I once did. I also never watched TV in 6 years but was doing that before dumping tv. I have Netflix and Hulu and watch 2 shows but they are once a week now. I prefer to flip and find than pick anything. Im not a movie guy and dont need a tv show to get stuck with. I did watch Brave..the Scottish animated princess type movie a couple days after Donna passed.

Passed is nicer than died but sometimes doesn't feel enough and died hurts.

Anyways Ive played only DOOM on Xbox. Why I do not know. It was the shareware so it ran out a few days back.

I should use this PC. Its why I built it. Its why Donna budgeted for me to buy parts years ago. I used it and she used tv and we were happy. I used to tell her "I hate having my back to you so much during the day as I play games" and she'd say "Its ok Im watching tv it doesn't bother me. You're here with me and thats all that matters" She was always so sweet and caring to me. i wish she was here with me....like always.

I dug through the last couch cushion. Nothing helpful. Did find some neat stuff.

A Jan 1995 calendar sheet where she wrote down on the 2nd "Timmy took his heartworm pill" . Timmy was out little chihuahua then. In 95 he would turn 6 years old 2 months later in March. He lived to be almost 19. Had a big cake for his 18th. He only lacked 3 months to be 19 :( . It also showed dog infos because her parents had a kennel then that I ran and part owned.

I found a couple Christmas cards to the both of us. One from my sister in 2010.

Best of all I found both our Valentines cards to each other for 2011. Having these is priceless. We ALWAYS got each other a card and I got her a stuffed animal. One of her valentines candy boxes sits by the front door. A big red heart one most likely Russell Stovers. She loved them. Might be as old as 2011 for all I know.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by naednek »

I think you might want to consider talking with someone professionally to help you with what you are going through. I don't know what you are going through as I haven't had to do that, but from reading your posts, it seems like you really need to talk to someone in person and come up with a plan.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii »

Microsoft charge might be for XBOX gamepass. 9.99 plus tax maybe?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by hitbyambulance »

naednek wrote: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:12 pm I think you might want to consider talking with someone professionally to help you with what you are going through. I don't know what you are going through as I haven't had to do that, but from reading your posts, it seems like you really need to talk to someone in person and come up with a plan.
+1
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Xmann »

hitbyambulance wrote:
naednek wrote: Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:12 pm I think you might want to consider talking with someone professionally to help you with what you are going through. I don't know what you are going through as I haven't had to do that, but from reading your posts, it seems like you really need to talk to someone in person and come up with a plan.
+1
+2

I can't fathom dealing with something like this.

You have commented on your faith. Is there a local church you could go to for some counsel?

I think you are in need of some Brian.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I could use so much or just my wife. I dont see myself going to a counselor but you never know. But a church no. I dont want to be involved in a church of people I dont know. And churches want money and time I cant give. Ive always thought you dont need them. Just pray anywhere even home like we did and God hears you just fine. No need to dress fancy and seem better than another. Home is fine.

Not saying that to any church goers. Just around here Ive seen and experienced it. So we were fine just us. Heck just us for everything. Now Its just me . I know its harder now because of it. But Im trying. Lord and I trying. Otherwise I wouldn't pour my broken self out here or to my sister.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk »

+3. Go see someone. A professional. You'd be surprised how much it can help.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

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+4.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B »

Add me to those urging you to get some type of assistance. We can listen to you and we're happy to offer whatever support we can. But I don't think we're equipped via the forums to help you in the way you need it most, right now.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Kraken »

+6

Nobody can tell you how you "should" feel. Grief is different for everyone, according to our individual circumstances and personalities and beliefs. But it commonly takes many months, and sometimes longer, before the sense of doom even starts to fade. You are not "supposed to" start feeling better already. But a counselor can give you some tips to help cope with the darkness in the meantime.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

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Got my EBT card. They said it has $41 for the rest of the month then next month Ill only get like $50. My balance was $100..shrug. It helped a LOT today even though I bought very little. Snacks and canned stuff.

I had to hit about 5 stores and I was doing ok until the last one. All of them were places me and Donna always went. Hand in hand side by side...talking away. It was so quiet and alone today. The last store got me. It was our Food City near the house. I went in and subconsciously grabbed the smaller type buggy. They have normal and small. Donna always had me give her the small. As I grabbed the dog food bag and put it in the buggy it hit me HARD. I barely got out before breaking down hard in the car. Had to call my sister and talk a few before going to the bank to figure out deposit slips and set up my online account.

I went to Krystal and got a few burgers like we always did. I sat in the chair and at the table we sat at last time..her chair though. I ate 2 ..one for each of us..then brought the other 3 home to eat the rest of the night. Just like we did. Buster out little chi is in my lap eating bread off them.

I dont know if what Im doing is good or bad for me. Im trying everything. Im doing everything we did together because we did them together. 31 years. I cant get away from the stores and all the places. We went everywhere over those years. She once said if something happened to her Id see her every place I went. Its true. One day I hope it makes me happy. Right now its a mess mostly. Not totally.

So home until Sunday unless something comes up. Family memorial dinner. Im worried and yet looking forward to it. I picked up the memorial book and remembrance folder. Has a few pics of her and my obit and some other stuff. Pics of us and such. Family being family. Soulmates. Saddening yet joyful. Im broke. Dont know what Im thinking most times.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Hrothgar »

A good pastor should be available to talk and won't be pressuring you to donate or attend services. You should ask your family at the memorial if there is someone who could visit you at home.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

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That reminds me I think one of the cousins..the one who belongs to the church its at...asked if it would be ok to have her pastor speak with me. I said yes I think.

Donna has an amazing poem she wrote decades ago Im going to try and read. She was perfect and I saw her read it many times in her own special way. I cant do that..I also dont see well at all and have a fear of public speaking. Its why Id get to county 4H speech contest and get 3rd lol. But this is for her and Ill be damned if I dont try and give it my best.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

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I tried reading my first page posts for some insight . But I couldn't make it. A few in and the memories hit me. Was so scared but so happy she was improving. Its ..I dont know a word for what it is...the getting better then just gone is horrible and 100x worse than that word is. I cry until I puke nearly. Sitting a little quiet right now. I never know what thought or thing will set me off to a baby again.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Unagi »

The death of my father is a huge enormous sink-hole in my mind. The terrain leading up to it looks normal, but the drop-off is severe and the emptiness and the fall that takes place is severe if I take the journey.
I can certainly think of my father without going into that hole, a lot of the mental terrain leading up to the hole is filled with my great memories of being with him and I try to dwell in those lands (mentally speaking).
That's not to say that I don't still occasionally visit that hole, and allow myself to look into it and even slip into it from time to time. It will take a good deal of time, but you will eventually learn how to approach the hole without falling in.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Remus West »

I just picked up a book that was recommended to me last night.
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
I haven't had time to read more than a few blurbs but some of it already resonates with me. Not sure if it can help (either of us) but it is worth a shot. I'll let you know what I think about it as I read.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

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Daehawk wrote: Thu Jan 17, 2019 8:52 pm I tried reading my first page posts for some insight . But I couldn't make it. A few in and the memories hit me. Was so scared but so happy she was improving. Its ..I dont know a word for what it is...the getting better then just gone is horrible and 100x worse than that word is. I cry until I puke nearly. Sitting a little quiet right now. I never know what thought or thing will set me off to a baby again.
It is frightening to read this and know how similar our grief is. The book I mentioned, I order from Barnes and Noble. The clerk ordered the wrong book and it got sent to my house. Last night I took that book to the store and returned it and found out the actual book I wanted was in the store the whole time. I sturggled to contain the tears because it made me think how my father would have laughed about that and the missing him pain just leaped to the top of everything. I made it to the car before sobbing but not before the tears rolled down. I think I freaked the clerk helping me out a bit.
“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” - H.L. Mencken
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I have the same thing happen to me. Each time I tell someone she has passed I go in a place and they ask where she is I try to tell them but I always tear up. I can see their faces change. Most tell me the time will help stuff. I know it will. But will never be right again.

Today I barely remembered two things me and Donna knew. Go put some gas in the car . Too little gas on a freezing night can make the lines freeze and it not start. Happened to us last year. And Donna always got kerosene for the 20s and teens nights. It helps warm the house and pipes wont burst. So heaters going Sunday for sure. If the power goes out I should be ok. Donna taught me this. I almost forgot. We didn't have any kerosene vouchers like normal. I had to buy some out of pocket. I couldn't get our 3 jugs of 15 gal. I got 2...so 10 gal costs $45. Used to be 99 cents my sister said. I recall $2 and something. But Im prepared like Donna and me would have been.

I find myself simply retracing our path in life. Everything I do we did. Every place I go we went. I broke down after getting the kero. She would have waited in the car and when I came out she would have popped the trunk for me to get the jugs. She always did. She wasn't there yet I was. Its horrible at times. But she told me this too not long ago. She said if she died I wouldn't be able to go anywhere and not be somewhere she went with me at times. Its true. 31 years and all places always together.

RW Im so sorry for all this you and me are going through. Im sorry you lost your father . Im just plain sorry for everything left in life right now as well. I wish you better days soon. I know in my case they wont be but I try. I am just following the tracks me and Donna made over 31 years. Its nice but bad too.

I have a new emotion beside incredible grief and sadness and emotionless boredom. Its anger. The more time goes by the more I look at all the things I found wrong in how the hospital handled my wife. From their phones and beepers and bed not working to them being neglectful with me having to buzz them to come do stuff. To taking her off her meds....to cause of death on the certificate being Sudden Cardiac Death. I find that suspicious. I heard the nurse during the code tell the doctor the monitoring room told her my wife's breathing or pulse or oxy went from 40 to 30 to 20 then disappeared...so the nurse sent the CNA in to check her. Thats what woke me up at 2:30am. Then she rushed out and got the nurse who called the code blue. WHY WAIT ??? No matter what happened to her while I was gone from nearly 1pm to 5pm...something happened and they did nothing at all about it. Told me nothing happened...that everything was fine. It was not..Her muscles were taut .....she was snoring wet like....she didnt move at all....and I could not wake her like before. I asked multiple times about Donna. I had them help me move her up in the bed to breath better. Always told she is fine just resting. I saw them take her blood pressure. Its been a little low or perfect since her bypass surgery. Even after the stroke it was perfect. But it was 20 points high on both numbers. I asked...nurse said it was part of the healing fro ma stroke. It would go up and down.So if it was another stroke or a clot went to her lung......they did nothing for AT LEAST 10 or 12 hours total before little Donna died.

Another thing was it was the holiday..after Xmas and then before and on New Years. She had a different CNA and nurse each day and each night. They all did one shift. No one had time to gauge her recovery or knew much from the next one I think. Im mad and sick about this as I know something happened 12 hours before she died and I know they didn't do a thing about it. Yet I cant get any info and I cannot afford an attorney to even try to get that. It sucks.

Donna would say its ok..she is at peace and running in heaven. Looks after myself. But I dont know how.

They have not told me anything. Not called. The doctor that was treating her promised he would call. I actually laughed when he said that and took my number. I said you wont call. "OH no Ill call in a couple days as soon as I find something out"...that was Jan 3. Nothing. They would never admit liability. I cant afford to get a lawyer to even have it reviewed or looked at. Im mad I know something happened.

Best to all..RW again Im sorry.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

This is the gofundme...Ive posted some stuff there I didn't post here if anyways wants to read or see some other pics of us. The old Xmas pic is something :)
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-d ... -wife-died

think its in my sig for now too..will see when I post. Lol I forget.

EDIT: Yup it is..doh.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Remus West »

I looked up the blurb that really caught me from the back of the book. Its a promotion quote but it still resonated.

"Its OK that you're not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a profound lossand the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never be again." - Johnathan Fields

Grief has changed everyone who has ever experienced it. I'm just trying to find a way to make those changes for the positive because I know thats what my dad would have wanted. Sounds like you are doing the same for similar reason. All we can do is keep on keeping on. Its strange because I have never felt we were really close on a lot of things. We don't disagree on things, just don't interact much. Probably because most of my time was spent playing forum games. Right now though I feel so close to you due to the grief experience. Your posts make me cry. Make me sympathize. Make me angry that you have to face this. Make me see myself in your pain. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as so many of them parallel my own and somehow that shared pain makes mine different. Not easier to deal with or lessened in any way but maybe a little less scary because I know this hurt is not an isolated one? I don't know really but I've been checking this thread regularly regardless.
“As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” - H.L. Mencken
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

the person you'll never be again ...that is spot on.

Ive just been pouring my soul out. Id never do that if Donna was here..Id have her. But she is the reason I am. Ive started lately to wish I could control it better. Stop blabbing it all out. I know people can only hear or see so much bad stuff before its tuned out.

I really am sorry you're in this in a way with me. Its a horrible place for a person. Im glad its helped some as its helped me some to type it all. I have to go through this. As you said try to hear what they would say or did say to you over the years. Sometimes it helps sometimes not.

I still just pray to join her. All I want it her. I dont want my life left or anything. It scares me to live now where before it scared me to die.

Got a letter from the car insurance. Looks like I can keep the same payments and they sent me new cards...one for me one for Donna :). I hated to change mine because it was just her name. But I must do what must be done as Donna would say. Even if I hate it all so very much.

Still in severe pain from the kidney. Hard to do anything.

Again RW Im sorry. I know those words really dont help at all. You know someone cares and you're thankful but it doesn't change a thing or a feeling. Doesn't bring them back or get you to them. I know you and so many on this Earth are in our same boat. I am sorry for all of them. But I feel alone in the boat as Im sure you do at times.

baby steps...baby steps.......but all without my wife I feel its useless.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

Oh God...Im having a terrible 'what if' thing right now. Looking online of the hospital I took Donna to and one just a 1/2 mile away down the road and I fucked up. I didn't think to check before taking her. I just now did . We both agreed on Memorial. They did her great with her heart surgery. She made an amazing recovery. So we figured there. But I see nothing on Memorials stroke ability to help save people. But Erlanger..who she has been to for doctors a lot too....is the southeast regional stroke center. !! Oh wtf have I done? We both picked Memorial. Why did I not check?? Oh my God what did I do.? I know what if and still not matter and shit..but damnit its the SE Regional Stroke f'n Center..wtf. OMG.

EDIT: Wait..her cousin Brian...my age...died at Erlanger a few years back during a routine lung biopsy. I guess you never know..but come on. I didn't even check. We both picked Memorial though. Still...damn.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk »

Quit it.

1. It isn't helping.
2. It is self-harm. You're actively tormenting yourself.
3. Blind 'what if' games aren't based in reality. If you'd taken her to the other place and she'd died, you'd be 'what if' about not taking her where you agreed.

You're seeking to assign blame. That's part of asking 'why', which is a very human thing to do, but sometimes there isn't a 'why' that's within our control. Sometimes terrible things happen because terrible things happen, and nothing you did would have changed that. Torturing yourself over it now isn't useful.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I know all this yet I think it too. Another phase I suppose. None good.

Im now seeing movie previews of stuff Donna would love to see with me like John Wick 3......TV shows I am watching which I never would before that she would LOVE like Masked Singer and such. Im seeing stuff here, there, all over the place. Its hurting when I see them and think of all we still had before us and all we had to do or could do. All gone. Taken in a moment. All the present and future is lost.

Like Roy Batty said......"like tears in rain"
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by stimpy »

You should really think about starting to do something....anything....to start distracting yourself and help get your mind off of having nothing to do but sit around and play this what-if game with yourself. It's not going to help. Obsessing over everything you did and everywhere you went and connecting it all back to you and your wife just plain isn't healthy. We all know what you're going thru is hard. Some of us more than others. But dude...…..life goes on.
Try to start focusing on the future, while not forgetting the past. Like it or not, you need to start looking forward. She will always be with you. You don't need to expend so much energy on remembering all the little details. They will be there to remind you. They don't need your help. Dont be afraid of forgetting her. It's impossible and will never happen. Accept that and turn your focus towards helping yourself and where you are going and where you want to be. Try to stay in the here and now. It's what you have. Embrace it.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

Ive been like this many years. All I wanted for at least 10 is to go back to the 90s . I live in the past. Ive been told not to think that way. Donna even said you cant live like that. Theres no going back. But its my mind. I used to look forward to the future, new things and places, new tech, life. But as I get older I want to go back. I dread the future. ANd now the worse thing to ever be in my life or ever will be has happened. Donna was not like me in this area at all. She lived for the present...the now. To her the past was gone but for our wonderful memories and the future was yet to be. We could make it anything. So she was a present time girl. Getting by, having fun, enjoying the day, making sure we could eat or keep our home. I still feel bad now for using this PC so much with my back to her. Id tell her that. She'd always say "You're here with me thats all that matters. Enjoy your games thats why you have all that. Im watching tv and having fun too...we're together"

As for stuff to do I only had one today. But normally during the week Im going to 5 places a day trying to save our home and the life we had....that I still have in a way.. Save everything I have left of me and us. Im doing so much I feel Im getting weak and run down doing it. Im so tired at times mentally and physically. Its draining me I do so much and work on so much and have so many things all flying in my head yet to do. Im behind. Its when Im home alone...other than our sweet little dog who seems lost a bit himself.......that I have the super sad bits hit me hard. The wake up morning and the after dark are the worst. The days I have breakdowns and sobs and yells...but not all day long.

Tomorrow is a rest day. So thoughts and emotions will come and go. Ill get online to pass time. I will type at or call my sister who is doing her damnest to help move me on some. She lost her 29 year love just last May. She got through it. She is trying to help me. But we are not the same. I then post on here. It helps me vent and release. I dont mean to upset people or make myself out to be a loony. Im just me. Im tiring you guys out emotionally. I know. I can guess or feel it. I am not one to change in 2 weeks. When I lost a pet I was still crying myself to sleep after 2 weeks. I still break down sometimes. Rarely yes but happens. I was hurt by them more than people usually. Always said I cared more for our pets than people usually. I mourned them a very long time. When one died after watching Hunt for Red October one time I didn't watch that movie again for 5 years or so.

Like that book posted and its quote.

"Its OK that you're not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a profound loss and the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never be again." - Johnathan Fields

Thats how I feel. Im me. I must deal how I can and how it comes to me. And with me Im a very hurt and sad person sometimes and now is the worst it will ever be. Nothing will shatter me like this. Ill be hurt again with our dogs I still have. It will be a hell itself...especially this little guy asleep in my lap as I type because me and Donna saved him from the shelter thanks to my sister. We've had him since 2015.. But nothing will compare to my wife. She died but I no longer live. One day ..maybe. One day.

until then I must be me as I am.

EDIT: Also have the family dinner at the church Sunday. Donna was always there at those with me. Going to be hard. Maybe somehow it will help.
Last edited by Daehawk on Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk »

Yeah, absolutely. Find a game. A game that doesn't frustrate you, but always sucks you in. Play it. Let yourself get sucked in. Put your mind on something else instead of stewing.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by stimpy »

Pretty sure I can speak for most of us that we're not bothered by or tired of you venting or posting what you're going through.
In fact it's the opposite. We want to do what we can to help you heal. Hoping that something we write sparks within you and sets you on the road to a happier outlook.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk »

And we're all loonies. I'm not a waste of a human being, and I have so many issues that my issues have issues with my other issues and have issue wars in my brain. I've seen a half a dozen therapists and am on disability for anxiety. And yet I'm still a worthwhile person. And most of us have lost people, some of us people very close to us. Many of us have been in nearly hopeless financial situations.

We are not only willing to listen, but some of our suggestions are the result of having survived some of what you're going through.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Zarathud »

Agreed, but don't fall in and ignore everything. Grief is appropriate and necessary. Distracting yourself is helpful. But you're also in a position where you can't afford self-inflicted pain and need help with the challenges you face.

We want you to survive this. The venting is fine. Sadness is fine. Beating your chest is fine. But know we'll keep nudging you to get some things handled and to remember some of the good/hard things it's easy to lose in the process.
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." - Albert Einstein
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by morlac »

Octopuses are good huggers because they have 8 arms. This thread is equally sad, beautiful, gut wrenching, heart warming, and full of hope and love. Hang in there Brian, try and listen to the advice given and know you are not alone.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

I do appreciate it all. You do help in ways. My sister is trying.

I just had Donna and Donna was all I needed and Im all she needed. Without her I am alone I feel. I have nothing but sadness and worry. I tossed all night with that house payment on my mind. I will refuse to refinance. Thats something I dont want to open.

I see her urn and know thats all thats left of my little baby here. I see her picture and know thats how she was when she felt good and better a couple years back.

I know she is better off. I know things she'd tell me. But she is gone and cant come back...its just beyond so very hard to cope with those thoughts.

I talk to her all the time. Sometimes I get by sitting here at the pc or at the tv. Others I sit here and cry like now as I type. The 49 year old man that was her husband disappears and hides while a child sits and cries in his place.

She died 17 days ago. To me thats no time at all. Might as well have been yesterday. 31 years is a blink.

I know its silly but over the years I thought our love was so strong and perfect that we really would pass together somehow. Probably in our sleep. She was a little older but I ate poorly, no exorcise, I smoked 9 years when I was young....and girls live longer plus she was small. I still cant believe it. Sometimes I feel Ive done something wrong to be left here alone.

As I said its not just the grief making me not want to be alive without her. I never wanted to be all our lives. Yet here I am. Dealing with the days without her I just am getting by. I hate it all. Yet cannot change it. I see her in my memory, smell her, know all about her...yet I cant hear, touch, or see her here with me now.

One day we'll be together again. I just dont know how long being this sad and lost will be. When Im not sad or upset I feel bad because I should be worse off. Ive experienced hours of calmness and those make me feel bad afterwards. Yes Donna would want that for me. But I feel Im betraying her memory an dour 31 years to be so unfeeling so soon. When Im sick and sad Im hurting and just want her back. The way it was. Im being selfish. Im hurt, Im afraid, Im sad. Im alone without my soulmate.

I cant see to type.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk »

Some of this may be me cold turkeying my opiate pain medicine. I dont think so and I hate to think it might be because that would make me feel even worse. The day I rushed Donna to the ER...Dec 29.....was the last time I had any pain medication. I couldn't take it and drive back and forth. Then when she passed I didn't bother because I needed to be clear headed for all this. I took it 8 years. Maybe its bothering me emotionally as well as all this pain Ive been in physically since. The pain wears me down. But the mental is a worry.

Im grieving beyond belief and Im sad beyond belief. I hope the lack of meds isn't making it worse. I don't want back on them. They were working less than they used to. They are becoming a hell to get because the world is opiate scared even though its all illegal ones. But my pain was worse so I took an extra one when I needed it. Id run low or out some times. I had flu like symptoms, anger, couldn't sleep, couldn't enjoy my games, couldn't sit still...was mad a lot. I had wanted to quit for 2 years. But since I was going to have to go for a kidney operation Donna would say we can do it together but you should wait on your operation or you'll go through withdrawals twice. She was right...and now I will. But for some reason this go I was so worried and then so sad Ive been able to avoid them and not have a huge amount of problems. Maybe I just dont notice. But they always helped with my mood. I stayed calm.

Its all hit at once I guess. I notice some twitching. The sleep isn't great. But I chalk it all up to grief and loss.

For a couple years when the meds were low or out Id have to sleep in the other room on the couch. I was so twitchy and uncomfortable I could not get any rest in bed because I felt I bothered her . She said it didn't and I could sleep with her. But sometimes 1 week or a little more I was on that damn couch. I told her I hated it. I did hate it. I wanted off the meds so I could be normal again. I told her I was wasting our time and I didn't feel we had as much left as we had lived. She'd scoff and say its ok do what you have to. Other times she'd say I wish you were in here with me I miss you.

That broke my heart then...now it just shatters it. All that time I wasted. Damnit it all! And just to rub it in I quit after she dies. I HATE MYSELF sometimes.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by WYBaugh »

morlac wrote: Sat Jan 19, 2019 10:51 am Octopuses are good huggers because they have 8 arms. This thread is equally sad, beautiful, gut wrenching, heart warming, and full of hope and love. Hang in there Brian, try and listen to the advice given and know you are not alone.
What an excellent message. And I know it's been said already but you must know that Donna would not want you like this. She would not want you beating yourself up over something that you have absolutely no control over. She would want you happy, healthy and maintain the remembrance of her, not as pain, but as comfort.
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