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Wife in hospital..stroke

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 19, 2019 1:01 pm

I know. But I cant help it yet if ever. I know she'd want me with her or to be with me. I know she knows its not possible yet. Heck she probably knows when I will die. I know she'd want me to play the game she got me, to do things that are fun, to live until then. But that all hurts me too knowing it.

I wish we'd gotten to see Bohemian Rhapsody. We had planned for 12 months to see it. When it came time things didn't pan out. Money was low, medicine was low, and both of us were sick. We kept hoping while it was still on we'd get to go. But after about a month Donna said dont worry we'll watch it on tv. Not meant to be.

In 2017 we saw Guardians of the Galaxy 2 near my birthday in May 2017. Our favorite cousin went with us. The one like a brother to my wife who grew up together ..hi ma little older. He died that Christmas day after we had Christmas dinner there. He called her and told her he loved her and they talked and he cried. She told me he seemed to know he was going to die. It hurt her so. Then around early Dec 2017 also me and Donna saw Star Wars The Last Jedi. Last thing we saw. Had NO IDEA Donna had 1 year left. I hate this. I hate the way I think.

Check this run.....Aug 2 2002 my dad dies, Jan 2006 her dad dies, Nov 22 2007 our little dog Timmy dies age almost 19(her dog mainly), Nov 2008 another little dog of ours T2 dies, Christmas day 2008 her mom dies and we are called and told over at that cousins house(we had just left her), 2010 her parents dog dies, Feb 2014 or 2015 another cousin who is the sister of the brother like cousin dies she grew up with, 2017 Christmas Ralph that brother cousin dies, Dec 28 2018 Donna has her stroke and dies Jan 3 2019.

I fucking HATE these holidays and times. Maybe this year will be me. I doubt it. I hate that too.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 19, 2019 1:19 pm

I seem to do my best thinking on the toilet. Strange huh? But Im alone and its quiet. I do a lot of crying and praying and talking to Donna too from there.

Just now I was there thinking that I did anything for her and she anything for me. I always did anything I could to help her and vice versa.

I know she would want me to care and keep the home and live. It struck me. I knew this but when it hit me it was clear this time. Take care of our home and myself. I shall try to do them even if I dont care for the second one. Our little dog Buster needs me. He needs her but that cant be. Im all thats left.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 19, 2019 2:09 pm

Well was ok a bit. Now I was just pacing the house looking at all her's and our stuff and pictures and I started in "I hate you world! I hate you world!" loudly. Took my baby from me but wont take me.


This comes and goes all the time. Im guessing in time it will relent.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:32 pm

I've seen this message provided a dozen different ways, but the way it unfolds and is presented in The Sandman has always stuck with me. Ignore or use as you see fit.
Spoiler:
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 19, 2019 4:56 pm

Ya. I get the meaning. Ive gone through those stages with pets and family. Its this time its the one who was me you could say. We were so close as to be one entity. My life is empty but its not. I have our home, our dogs, our memories and experiences. I have everything but the one person who would make the rest invalid almost. I have not my true love with me. To hold me, to speak to me, to comfort me, help me, to be ...simply be..with me..and love me.

My sister just left. She brought me more food and talked a long while. Bless her she is trying. I try then I refuse to try. My kitchen is more full of food than its been in many years. But I feel awful knowing this and that Donna didn't get to be here to help with it all. She would be so happy. I guess she is happy for me. Im sure she would be. Doesn't change that I still feel bad and wish she was here. I feel she is missing so much she loved or would love. I know it.

As Ive said all my life I feared death. Greatly feared the end. I wanted to live and have fun. I wanted to be immortal. I wanted to always be here for Donna so we could love and live and be. Just be. Now I hate life and welcome death. I look forward to it. Not having it makes me mad. My sister said as others say I lived to be with her and I did that. I must live for myself now. Donna would want that. But I did live and Donna is gone now. I am done . Spent. Ready. Yet I exist. I exist when I do not wish too. I am ready.

Eating makes me sad and angry. I dont want to eat. I dont want to be hungry. I dont want to be here. But not eating is suicide. Its self harm. I am forced to eat. Makes me mad.

Im not insane. Im grieving. Terrible soul wrenching grieving. Right there is no future ..no present. I just am. I am never happy nor will I be. I dont care what anyone says it will never ever be anything like it was. I had my time in the sun. It is gone. Right now I feel I dont want it back. I just want Donna. Id go to her no matter what right now. But I am alone yet not alone. Family here and friends like you guys there keep trying to help. Some sinks in...sometimes in just bits and parts and not long at all. Then the words come back. The feelings lessen. Anger turns to fond memories which in turn becomes tears.

I dont want or need anything but my soulmate. Its not fair ! She would laugh at me and get me to smile. She has done it over the years. She is not able to now. All I can do is say "Oh Donna honey...I love you .....and cry" ..I am broken.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:33 am

Have the family dinner today. Its 30 degrees. High will be 32. Bad day. Im also not sure how the day will go. I know there will be some laughs. Im going to feel bad for those even I know. Im a mess.

Each day I do the things Ive always done. The things me and Donna always done. I go through the motions. I follow our footsteps. But it feels hollow. I feel as if Im 'simply' going through those motions.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 20, 2019 1:05 pm

Little things are bothering me now..her shampoos and conditioners are still around the edge of the tub...he hair smelled so good. The soap I used is what she used last and always. She'd say "its soap..what are you going to do put it in a box and keep it? Use it..you can buy more just like it"...I know.

Also I realized I cant scratch her back now and she cant scratch mine...the little things...life things..every day things.

Just a few months back she again told me of running into my dad at the mall here. She was with her mom...he told her he was glad Brian was with her...he didn't worry about him any longer and thanked her. She was always so proud of dad telling her that.

:wub: :cry: :cry:

I have to leave for the family dinner in just a bit. Im in pain from my side, my back is once again trying to get me a little, Im mentally sick from this loss and all the rest from that...and Im worried about the dinner and weather. Fun. I know Ill laugh..they are crazy. Donna always cracked up too. But this time she is gone and its for her...and me...Damnit all.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 20, 2019 8:00 pm

Sat in pain the entire dinner but wow its as I remember when me and Donna would go. Everyone super nice and laughing and telling family stories. Its not the same since its Donna that is gone now but I cried and I laughed. I even read one of Donna beautiful mutipage poems with no fear or dread. Ive always had stage frights and spoke softly in speeches. But I hopped up and spoke away. She must have helped me.

It was hard driving away because Donna was always with me before. They loaded me up on enough food to make me gain 200lb and stay full weeks. They also gave donations. I had no idea until I was ready leave and they handed me the money. Such a wonderful group. I took the memorial things and book and some photos. Others had brought photos and such. One was Donna around 8 years old in a fancy dress her mom made her at her piano recital with other kids.

One cousin brought a copy of Donna's book of poems. It was near mint condition. Heck even Donna's copy here is not that good a shape.

I got home and broke down again. happens soon as Im alone and realize Im alone. I see pics of her or memories and lose it. This time I was thinking I have been left behind. Forgotten. Also Donna has told me God doesn't do bad stuff to people and I know that....I couldn't help wonder why God allowed stuff to happen like her being in pain or going through so much. Why let her be so sick and die at 63 instead of healing her up and letting her live good to 80 like others. But I heard her voice in my head again as Ive asked such stuff before. She'd say "Its the way of life. God's plans are not for us to know". So hearing her those thoughts passed quickly. Maybe Im a little better. Im not sure since a 49 year old man bawling so much is not normal. Maybe for now it is. To each his own right all?

I cantch myself when Im tore up telling myself...."You're bawling and broken but she is the one who suffered, who had the stroke and died." And I feel ashamed.
Last edited by Daehawk on Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Sun Jan 20, 2019 8:30 pm

Everything you're feeling is normal. Just try to remember all the family and friends you saw today and know there are people local to you that can and want to help in any way possible. Lean on them; they're likely your greatest resource right now.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:50 pm

My sister keeps telling me we should have told her and others. Donna and me got by and didn't want to ask for help. My sister keeps saying if only we had told them there would have been Christmas dinner and presents under the tree. Im not sure whats what...us proud to get by or us missing out.Nothing much matters now. I dont want to lose our home .I dont want our dogs to be sick or die. Other than that Im not caring a lot. Sister keeps wanting me to get that kidney surgery come warm weather. She knows many of her friends that have had to do it. The gov in their wisdom gave me back QMB. Something me and Donna once had. But we made $2 to much or some small amount. So now all bills are covered. Medicare does 80% and QMB covers all over that..copays.....anything. So I can have free surgery. Not sure what will come up but if I do I know its a chance to win :) Ok thats not funny but I feel it anyways right now.

Thought about watching SOLO on Amazon while its still good. We wanted to go and couldn't. Same for Bohemian Rhapsody. I dont know if I feel right about doing it without her since we missed out. Sorta wrong to me. Maybe one day. We used to do so much. But were younger.
Last edited by Daehawk on Sun Jan 20, 2019 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Sun Jan 20, 2019 10:42 pm

It sounds like you have people you can turn to. That's the best news I've heard yet. Turn to them. How many times in this thread have we told you that the best thing you can possibly have is support?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by hitbyambulance » Mon Jan 21, 2019 3:23 am

agree - you have an extended community now. be part of that, at least for the time being

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Paingod » Mon Jan 21, 2019 8:16 am

I appreciate everything you're sharing, and can't express my sympathies enough for each day that passes. Time does heal, but it doesn't need to make you forget.

We loves ya, man!
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:35 am

I dreamed of Donna last night. We attended a Christmas play at our cousin Ralph's church. Then it switched and was Saturday night again and Donna told me I better get dressed if we're going to our own old church when her mom gets back for the Christmas play. So I got ready but when I got dressed I couldn't find Donna. I searched the house and found her dad in the kitchen. He died in 2006. Donna's purse and coat were there too but I could not find her. I woke up slightly panicked and then instantly knew she was gone again. I was a little mad that I had the dream but didn't die in my sleep and be with her. Not fair I thought.

Then it was time to let my dog out and feed the little one.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 21, 2019 1:23 pm

Im feeling a little sick physically but its coming from mental. Ya Ive cried 3 or 4 times today..bad day. But sitting here its weighing on my mind how she is not here and wont be. Just there mentally in my head. Im watching videos and seeing games I played with her here and had no idea what was to come.....Im trying ....but Im not moving today...and its a cold damn useless day..she'd be watching tv behind me and it would be ok....now it's not. I am simply sad and still devastated . I hate this all..but you know that. Im just talking to help myself....it does help. Wish it was different. Wish I was just asking her if she wanted anything from the kitchen like I always did.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 21, 2019 5:04 pm

I looked up QMB, SLMB, and QI.

Years ago both Donna and myself had QMB. When you are disabled and have medicare it only pays 80% of your bill. You have to pay the other 20%. Also there is a $100 each month charge for Medicare premiums. So if you are disabled and draw $800 a month you have to turn around and give the Government $100 right back instantly. Its crazy I know.

So QMB covers that $100 a month and it also covers all deductibles, copays..everything. So go to a doctor and its totally covered. All of it. Surgeries too.

Then one day we got a COLA...Cost of Living Adjustment...a little more money each month. Maybe $12 each. We lost our QMB. So they gave us SLMB. It only covers that $100 a month. Yes we were very thankful to get it trust me. VERY. We have been paying out of pocket the deductibles and copays. Anywhere from $20 a visit each to $100s of bucks. Depending on the doctor and service.

We even got knocked down to the lower on..QI...Its for Qualified Income I think. Its exactly the same as SLMB just for low low income.

Then one day they changed the rules AFAIK and we were back on SLMB.

Now that Donna has passed away they instantly gave me back QMB.

Its great...its nice...but Im mad Donna and me had to lose so much money over the years and we were so close to keeping QMB. I feel awful getting it back. I am mad. But I am thankful too. I am just not happy or healthy. I want only Donna and screw it all else. I just want to go be with Donna.

Last update point. I have had no opiate pain medication since Donna went into the hospital. None. 8 years and I simply stopped. I wanted to try a couple years ago but never could. Im in a LOT of pain. More than the last 8 years. More than the years before that. But I am clear thinking. I am my own boss. The pill does not rule my day. And the trouble with all the country and the opiate fear cannot touch me. Yes I do so miss being in less pain. I know the medicine helped greatly. I know it kept me saner and calmer. But Im done. Theres some here. I wont touch it. Like when I quit cigs in 1992 its a test I love to pass. I dont crave it. I am ok I think other than super pain. I look back and see all the time I wasted with Donna while on meds. All the money we spent on my doc and shit. Im mad. I hurt. I am me at least...sad and broken...but me. I just hate its now when I am.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:22 pm

I keep reading your posts and just want you to know that we are all out here listening. You are not as isolated and alone as you feel, people truly care. I wish I had something useful or comforting to say. I just don't.

Facts are that I got divorced last year and am impressed by the relationship you two have/had even if its now gone. You had a great and wonderful blessing and should not dwell on anger that its gone too soon. I'm agnostic in faith, and can't comment on the why. I don't really know how this all works. But I do know that we almost all wish to have even a few years of what you have experienced for 30+. It seems a bit petty to be so angry at God for it ending before you were ready. Maybe it wasn't about you.

I can't really imagine what emotional pain you are traversing at this point. The only thing I can point out is that you are traversing; even if its a very painful landscape right now. I hope that you make it to the other side. You are scaring me a bit with the constant references to joining her and wanting to be dead. You have even pointed out that you have old opiate pain meds running around. I'm seeing a lot of suicidal flags here. Even if you haven't admitted it to yourself, you are showing warning signs. Please seek help.

Know that my ex attempted suicide about 3.5 years into our marriage and it was a precursor of her eventually seeking out mental heath support starting around the 8th year. We spent the next 9 years going through an amazing array of trying to get her help and failed.. Some people don't find a cure. Ultimately she checked out on our marriage and family entirely, and she quit any attempts at treatment. After 5 more years of trying to get her to want and accept help, I asked for a divorce. Her attempt at suicide so many years ago haunts me still. I have lost other acquaintances to suicide and it is ugly and violent and tragic. Seek help. You are not in a good place right now.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 21, 2019 6:31 pm

Oh no plz dont think that. I thought of suicide as a teenager and it passed. It came back to me a few years ago but I knew better and wouldn't ever do it then..

Now I dont have a thought of it . Not at all. I know if I did that Id never see my lovely little Donna ever again. So no that will NEVER be a thing to happen to me. Dont let that concern you. It is a no go. I said once to Donna if I had to spend 40 or 100 years alive without you Id do it someway because I want the eternity with you. I would never ruin that on purpose.

Im just tore up and pray for God to take me. I would not do it myself. But I can want it and pray for it and beg at times. I am happy with it though. I do not fear death at all now. None. It holds no sway for me. It used to because I wanted to stay and be here with and for Donna. Now Im ready and ok. Its like the surgery. I will have to get it sooner or later. If something went wrong Im ok with that. No worries. If not then another day to go through.

Im expecting to get better as time passes. I dont want to sometimes and others I need to and want to and know I probably will. But right now all I want is to be beside D.

EDIT: As for the years and our love. We just knew ourselves as soulmates. Meant to be. Perfect. We wondered why others didn't all have the same relationships. Some do yes but many dont. We wished for them to have the same love. Ive always said, and Donna agreed, that somewhere out there is someone perfect for someone else. The person may go through 2 divorces or be 35 or 40 years old but there IS someone for them. Sadly not all meet that someone. But they are there.

Our love was and is timeless. Those 31 years flew by in a blink . Looking back in the earlier days they were slow. We did so much. Yes we even argued. But we were happy. We made up . We NEVER went to bed mad. That is a horrible thing to go to bed mad at your love.. But for at least 15 years we didn't argue. I always got the door for her..car or house or town. The pharmacy sorta laughed and said we were so cute the way I got the door and we held hands as we came in just a few months back. We always held hands. We smooched we hugged. She may have needed a wheelchair 3 or 4 times in those years. I was happy to do it. She was a little embarrassed but not me. I cant tell anyone how to do it. It just was with us.

Im still married to my baby though her body and physical form is gone. My heart beats for her forever. I will always be wearing my ring if you could see me. Now Im bawling again. It just hurts so bad being so far apart. One day though Ill be able to hold her again. Ill tell her I love her and Ill finally hear her say I love you again just as I did that last day and for the 31 years before that. Ill be truly happy once more. And maybe it'll be as if no time passed at all. Soulmates.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Rip » Tue Jan 22, 2019 8:38 am

I don't get back much because I am busy streaming but have been following this thread and weeping a little with you. If you ever need to talk come by my stream on twitch. I am there every night.

https://www.twitch.tv/rip4ever

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 10:15 am

Just woke up. Another day alone. Soon February will be here and bring Valentines Day. The first without her ever after 31 years. It was our holiday. Then my birthday and her birthday and both our anniversaries...meeting and marrying....then our other fun holiday Halloween then Thanksgiving and Christmas.

But right now another day alone and then Valentines soon.

In 31 years I never thought about how it would be when the memories ended. Never to make new ones with each other or be able to talk about the old ones we shared. Talking to someone else about them would be useless. Its not the same.

Now everything I see I categorize as with Donna and after Donna. :(
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 10:46 am

My sister keeps trying to push me along but I dont really want pushed. She said today I must stop feeling sorry for myself. I replied...
I aint making myself this way..I just am after 31 years...I lost my little wife love and soulmate. I dont fucking want to be here and yet here I am. Its the way it is yes...but I dont have to be happy with it..I cant be anything but tore up for most of the times it seems. I have moments...but those are more when Im out or busy or chatting with you..but those are distractions....or doing things me and Donna once did. Alone ..and when I go to bed or get up..those are horrible alone shock times.

Its only been a little over 2 weeks.

Maybe in 31 years.....
Then I think to myself the old saying...nothing last forever. But I dont believe that one. I think love lasts forever..maybe even pain or heartache. But love is the greatest of those.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Paingod » Tue Jan 22, 2019 1:15 pm

I think it's easier to cope with grief if you have a support structure. By the sounds of it, you didn't really have one. You and your wife had each other, and now half your world is missing.

Your family is trying to reach out to you to be that structure. That doesn't mean you ever stop loving Donna, though. You can take that love to the grave - no one wants to take that away from you - but there's a life to live in the here and now, and people that love you are trying to help you.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Xmann » Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:24 pm

Daehawk wrote:Oh no plz dont think that. I thought of suicide as a teenager and it passed. It came back to me a few years ago but I knew better and wouldn't ever do it then..

Now I dont have a thought of it . Not at all. I know if I did that Id never see my lovely little Donna ever again. So no that will NEVER be a thing to happen to me. Dont let that concern you. It is a no go. I said once to Donna if I had to spend 40 or 100 years alive without you Id do it someway because I want the eternity with you. I would never ruin that on purpose.

Im just tore up and pray for God to take me. I would not do it myself. But I can want it and pray for it and beg at times. I am happy with it though. I do not fear death at all now. None. It holds no sway for me. It used to because I wanted to stay and be here with and for Donna. Now Im ready and ok. Its like the surgery. I will have to get it sooner or later. If something went wrong Im ok with that. No worries. If not then another day to go through.

Im expecting to get better as time passes. I dont want to sometimes and others I need to and want to and know I probably will. But right now all I want is to be beside D.

EDIT: As for the years and our love. We just knew ourselves as soulmates. Meant to be. Perfect. We wondered why others didn't all have the same relationships. Some do yes but many dont. We wished for them to have the same love. Ive always said, and Donna agreed, that somewhere out there is someone perfect for someone else. The person may go through 2 divorces or be 35 or 40 years old but there IS someone for them. Sadly not all meet that someone. But they are there.

Our love was and is timeless. Those 31 years flew by in a blink . Looking back in the earlier days they were slow. We did so much. Yes we even argued. But we were happy. We made up . We NEVER went to bed mad. That is a horrible thing to go to bed mad at your love.. But for at least 15 years we didn't argue. I always got the door for her..car or house or town. The pharmacy sorta laughed and said we were so cute the way I got the door and we held hands as we came in just a few months back. We always held hands. We smooched we hugged. She may have needed a wheelchair 3 or 4 times in those years. I was happy to do it. She was a little embarrassed but not me. I cant tell anyone how to do it. It just was with us.

Im still married to my baby though her body and physical form is gone. My heart beats for her forever. I will always be wearing my ring if you could see me. Now Im bawling again. It just hurts so bad being so far apart. One day though Ill be able to hold her again. Ill tell her I love her and Ill finally hear her say I love you again just as I did that last day and for the 31 years before that. Ill be truly happy once more. And maybe it'll be as if no time passed at all. Soulmates.
I think the concern for your mental health is something many of us see and want to reach out to you about.

I believe you have no desire or would never consider harming yourself. However, with narcotics at your disposal, the dispair you feel, and the mounting life struggles, a moment of weakness and narcotics is a potential deadly combination.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:51 pm

+1 XMANN. That's exactly what I'm trying to get at.

Daehawk - please flush the pills. It only takes one really bad day. And you have had a few that have overwhelmed you already.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:58 pm

I think it's easier to cope with grief if you have a support structure. By the sounds of it, you didn't really have one. You and your wife had each other, and now half your world is missing.
Completely it. Im driving my sister insane. She is all I talk to. The cousins help with info and food but they are not close so I cant talk with them. My sister is trying her best. But she lost her love of 29 years back in May. But she claims to be good with it and can help me. Though I catch her sometimes doing the things she tells me will get easier. And I am a sad doom and memory only person each day I wake up...throughout the day...and at night. So Im kinda wearing on her I think. Im trying to just stay quiet in spells but thats hard. I always had Donna to talk to. Just turn around and there she was and her to me.

As for the opiates no worries. It was the end of the month. Time to set up doc visits. I have maybe 3 available of the hyrdocodone and a few other things like muscle relaxers..about the same 3.. I could take 4 hydro np so 3 wont hurt me. But Im not going to take them. I like having the 'test' I was the same when I quit cigs cold turkey 1992. To be clear.. I AM NOT setting up pain doc visits. I cancelled them.,,mine and of course hers. :(

I am thinking of asking my primary care doc to refill my muscle relaxers for my back. They are non narcotic Robaxim.

I think Im changing. Im actually thinking of trying a game today. Donna would tell me to. I KNOW that much. Hell I know about everything Donna would say to me in most situations. 31 years side by side you know the person well. In a small way its like she is still here in that way. As my sister said too she was sicker than I either noticed being side by side or sicker than I remember. As it was just life with us. Day to day all the time. So much time has passed and I never felt it with her. I know she is better off. Im the one left feeling awful....and I even feel Im being selfish in the way I think or what I say at times. I am even a little mad at it all...the meds, the hospital, the staff. Of course I cant do a thing about it....and I may be totally wrong because Im not clearly thinking well. Its life....Donna is better off.....you cannot know life...the end...or live on what ifs.

One day I hope I can accept that. Right now just thinking of doing something we used to do like a movie or way back in the 90s bowling hurts. We used to do stuff and love it and thats great. But she is not here and never will be to do it with me and that feels wrong and unfair right now.

Time. In time I may be able to read all those updates that I started the day after I got her to the hospital. One day. :(
Last edited by Daehawk on Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:59 pm

Cylus Maxii wrote:
Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:51 pm
+1 XMANN. That's exactly what I'm trying to get at.

Daehawk - please flush the pills. It only takes one really bad day. And you have had a few that have overwhelmed you already.
Im now stronger than a pill. I once wasn't. I am now. Too late of course but I am. Donna must have helped me.

The phone is taken care of I think. I hope. I was told I have to apply for me own account and approval. If I get it I can keep the phone and number. I tried online and it is all set up for a smartphone and them to send a SIMM card for it. I called and talked to a guy who walked me through it all. I should be approved within a week. He said when the SIMM arrives simply call Safelink back and tell them I want the SIMM info transferred to the phone Im calling from instead. So maybe that will work. I may be forced into a smartphone within a year or so.

Hope Im approved fast. Service he said would end on this Jan 31. I remember helping Donna sign up and get this phone. 2013. Another little piece of her gone :( ...a piece here a piece there another piece and another...thats how I feel. She would not be so bothered I do not think.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:07 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:59 pm
Cylus Maxii wrote:
Tue Jan 22, 2019 3:51 pm
+1 XMANN. That's exactly what I'm trying to get at.

Daehawk - please flush the pills. It only takes one really bad day. And you have had a few that have overwhelmed you already.
Im now stronger than a pill. I once wasn't. I am now. Too late of course but I am. Donna must have helped me.
I applaud and acknowledge your strength and courage. I worry because I know that we are all flawed and absolutely nobody is invulnerable.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:42 pm

Nah Im good in that. Really. Im done. Been meaning to be a long time. Wish I was a long time ago. I am in terrible pain now but Im free.

I think warm or better weather may help me. I had to use kerosene to keep the pipes from busting along with drips and electric heaters the last two days. Cost me $45 and I have to refill the jugs again for this weekend. But Ive had the house opened..bedroom door opened. I can see through and walk through it was warm. I now find I dread closing the door later and Im already getting colder even with my little heater on. Both me and Donna...even in here together...hated being shut in and forced to the one room. I think just like us together Ill feel a little better when its warmer.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:12 pm

Seeing things I posted still on here. Years, months, even just days before her Stroke. I had no idea. She had no idea. We had no idea. But seeing them I cant help thinking how stupid and blind I was to what was coming up. I was living life and happy when I was going to lose her .She was going to die. Horrible thoughts yet I have them. One day maybe they'll bring a smile seeing them. Now they bother me.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:16 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:12 pm
Seeing things I posted still on here. Years, months, even just days before her Stroke. I had no idea. She had no idea. We had no idea. But seeing them I cant help thinking how stupid and blind I was to what was coming up. I was living life and happy when I was going to lose her .She was going to die. Horrible thoughts yet I have them. One day maybe they'll bring a smile seeing them. Now they bother me.
Would you have rather spent those days in fear and anguish?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 6:53 pm

No. But Id known I would not do the same steps. Then of course something else would have happened. I guess then Id feel worse and actually be able to blame myself.


Played 5 minutes of TF2. A record since Donna had the stroke.

Ive thought ti before and really do now...human medicine is SO primitive.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 22, 2019 11:01 pm

I think Ill watch Solo. I thought about then thought how we wanted to see it and couldn't or missed it . Felt it may not be right for me to watch it without her. Then in my head I hear and see her saying "I'll watch it with you. Come on it'll be fun"....as she would in life. Maybe just me...maybe it was her. Either way going to see if I can watch it.

Brings to mind something. The Diverticulitis made her have to give up her popcorn. It was in Dec so not long. but she thought it bad because she always had popcorn..especially during Lady Vols basketball games. Huge devoted fan girl. So much wasn't fair to her near the end.

I love you Donna. Goodnight.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 1:52 am

Watched Solo. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Great movie actually. Better than I figured. I found myself cheering at parts then Id be sad a bit because I did and Donna wasn't there then Id be entranced again with the action. Loved the movie. Wish Donna had been here physically to watch it and chat and laugh and ask me questions on it. After it was over I suddenly felt alone without her and was alone again. The characters were done and gone. I cried. Now I need to try and get sleepy.

Lovely movie. Did have some regrets during it because I know what happens to Han in the future. But I kinda dismiss that happening. Id watch another of his adventures. Other than what happens with a certain character I loved the end even for the most part. Wish their story was a tad different. But if so then the later stuff wouldn't work. Do want another adventure. Lots of great action.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 10:16 am

Ive woken up and simply talked to Donna this morning. Not screamed or cried..yet. Told how much I loved and missed her. Just sitting here now.

I honestly really thought our love was so strong and special that Id go when she went. Its the one thing I really knew would be. Wasn't that worried about it. I see I was silly. It didn't happen. Doesn't make it any better. Just a thought.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 11:42 am

had a small cry. its a dark rainy boring depressing day. Before this I think the days were worse. Kinda mad it isn't today. Kinda glad. I miss her :( My baby.

Balancing checkbook...so new to me.

Dec 18th...just a little over a month ago....5 weeks....we were stopping at Taco Bell for me a burrito and her a mexican pizza on our way home from the ER about her blood clot in her leg. I see it on the check book. She wrote it all. Now its all up to me.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 12:45 pm

Looking back...reading up....I think Donna suffered a Pulmonary Embolism. I think a clot went to her lung and hurt her heart. I think that hospital let her lay there 11+ hours in that state until she died. And I know I cant do a thing about it.

Ive grabbed BurnAware to make backups of all our photos. Its all I can do. I can only hope I dont mess this up. Been a long time.

Seems like I just cleaned her little reading glasses or her hand mirror not more than a couple weeks before she was gone.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 5:37 pm

For the last few months me and Donna had been tossing junk and unread mail along with opened and known about into a chair by the door. Figured we'd go through it once again before throwing away or keeping. I did that just now myself. Hard to do. After clearing it I removed the cushion to clean it out. Not throw away that stuff....its all very old..80s era even......just wanted to move ,stack and vacuum. Seeing her name on stuff or a pic of her as a kid or when her book was published and she was at a signing....broke me. I cried multiple times. But I got through it and its all trashed or bagged or straightened up and clean. I vacuumed the floor afterwards even.

Everything is tough... but her stuff...her writing even if its just notes or math numbers for bills...is hard for me to deal with. To me its her. She did it. Its all thats left behind now.

Struggling but dealing more. I hope she forgives me to doing all this. I guess she wouldn't care. Took 2 hours almost.

Im still crying. Its such a dreadful day. Dark and raining. Only the good die young is so true it seems.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 6:47 pm

I see more and more Valentines stuff online and in stores...its going to be SO very difficult during this Valentines ..it was a great holiday for us..Id buy her a stuffed animal and a box of chocolate and we'd get cards for each other...oh man going to be so hard.

I never thought Id be alone and if I did it sure wasn't so soon.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 9:04 pm

I also found Donna's 2014-2015 calendar and journal. Birthdays...coming home from heart surgery...and..July 16 2014 "Me and Brian sat outside - it was a nice very cool day for July.
So precious to me.

Im all tore up bad tonight. She'll have passed 3 weeks ago exactly tonight at 3am. I need her so badly! Everything is bothering me and making me cry. Stuff with memories and ones without any for us. Maybe tomorrow will go better.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 23, 2019 10:51 pm

I told my sister......Nothing had changed but Donna is gone. But Donna being gone has changed everything.

Soulmate <3
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