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Wife in hospital..stroke

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by geezer » Wed Jan 23, 2019 11:47 pm

Hey brother... still here, still listening.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Kraken » Thu Jan 24, 2019 2:56 am

Yup. I don't have anything helpful to say, but I'm reading every post (as I would guess are most of us).

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:28 am

Woke up this morning and didn't feel that total overwhelming 'shock' that she is gone. I know she is but it didn't put me in that 'feeling' I didn't scream or cry. I told her I love and miss her. I laid there not wanting to get up as usual.

Since she died I wake around 7:30am - 9am every morning. I never want to get up. I hate waking up. I wish I could just keep sleeping. Before with Donna Id get up to pee 2 or 3 times and go back to sleep. I could sleep 12 hours if I wanted. But now I cannot. Im wide awake. And worrying. Most times I dont know why Im worried. Today my sister will come up around 1pm. So at 7am Im wife awake worried about that. "What if I fall back asleep and sleep too long?" and such as that.

I dont want to face the days I think is what it is. Id rather sleep my life away and simply pass in my sleep. Its been 3 weeks. Theres still a part of me that cant believe Im still here. I just knew Id either pass with her or soon after when I thought about it years ago.

Ive already started worrying about next months bills and troubles. All the things going on or still to do which I can only change so fast. My sister keeps talking about cleaning the house or yard. She doesn't understand that not only do I not want to touch how the house is but Im in so much pain every day its why nothing was done to begin with. She talks about a part time job. I know I have to get one. But all my pain Im scared. Donna was in pain and did it for 2 years. I must do something if the bankruptcy lawyer cant get anything changed. And I have serious doubts on all that. But Lil'D didn't also suffer from some mental issues where I do not get along with people telling me what to do. Its not that I dont want to and need to its just my mind wont allow for it. But I must try. Even if I have 15 jobs in a year I have to try.

Then theres the surgery I need. Getting a job and having time off to do that I dont see happening . Then if I get a job I instantly re lose food stamps. Worse is I now have QMB again. It pays anything that Medicare doesn't as far as I can tell. If I get just a little more money a month I lose it. That means no doctor again and no meds and no surgery ,worse I have to pay out of pocket $100 a month for Medicare. Which is a loss yet again.

It never ends. I dont want to wake up. I dont want to get out of bed. I dont want to face my living nightmare.

But I talk to Donna all the time. I cry off and on all day. I trudge through this place that was once a beautiful color filled life.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:31 am

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by FishPants » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:34 am

I've been away from OO for awhile (Aside from patching it, and maintaining the system) and just saw this. Truly sorry for your loss, I came close to losing my wife and that reality was terrifying -- my thoughts are with you as you work through the shock and loneliness. I lost my mother suddenly in September (part of the reason I haven't been around much) and it continues to be a struggle but it does slowly get better -- hang in there man, and find someone to talk to. There's got to be some sort of grief counselling available to you in your area.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 11:40 am

On Valentines Day 2017 I started a thread on it and posted two things. Silly stuff then and now.

--------------------
Happy Valentines Day all ....is the thread...

Hope you felt loved today.

My wife wants to get me any game of my choosing and I cant pick one. Without money I can find dozens. With cash I cant find a damn thing I want.

-------------------

Those two lines were the two post. How free and unknowing we were.

I keep this sense or feeling of nervousness all day long. All day. Its a heaviness in my chest or a vibration of my body. It wont leave. All I need or want is my baby and yet I cant have that like always so my mind and body refuse to be ok it seems.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:16 pm

https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:49 pm

Im doing the 'what if' dance again. I know its part of it all but its a hurtful dance.

Im checking the bank stuff and see Dec 18 Taco Bell. We stopped on the way back from the ER to get her leg checked and they found the clot and started her on Eliquist. We got her her favorite thing there..Mexican Pizza.

I see the date and think "The day we started her on her way to death" We didn't know. We were trying to help and save her. I know this. It doesn't help sometimes. If we didn't go it could have killed her anyways. What if Id gone to the other hospital. Maybe she got worse. Maybe she died still. Maybe she got better. What if Id done more? What if what if what if what if.

Changes cannot be made. The past is that. Untouchable. I wish things had been different. I wish.

I hear her words on this as well. "We did what we did. We did what we thought was best. We tried. Its no one's fault. Not your's or mine sweetheart. You cannot change the past. Look to the future. Live. Live for me."

I know she would say just that. She has said it or something like it before. It still hurts. I still have the thoughts. And now Im crying on my bank notes.

If only I could hear her call me sweetheart once more. :wub:
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 1:05 pm

Netflix emails and recommended are all her things...murder stuff..movies or real ones like Ted Bundy and such. She loved the real stuff.

EDIT: Sister came by to bring some goodies and discuss the bankruptcy appointment Monday. She is trying to help me out wit hit all. She brought a Little Caesar Pizza. I loved it but at the same time I had been talking to Donna for a few months about getting one. I feel bad having stuff now that Donna is gone that we always wanted together. Donna would be happy for me. But me I cant be happy for me.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 5:55 pm

About 4 days before Donna's stroke I had to go get a few food items for us. She didn't go. It was SO strange not having my little co-pilot with me. I even told her that. Anyways I got me a cherry fried pie and her favorite for her a chocolate one. They are both still here. I cant eat them. I dont much like chocolate but of course that is not the reason. I may eat them..may not. Hate to waste perishable items .Donna would not want that. But she cannot talk to me now.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:47 pm

I cant believe Im still using this PC. Still checking the places I always did. Still posting on OO.

I always figured Id be such a mess and distraught if not dead that I would be unable to function. I thought the same of pets when I imagined their deaths. I thought Id sit at the grave each day and cry or just sit there. I did that for a couple weeks or maybe just a week. Heck Donna died at 3:30am Thursday Jan 3rd and by 10am I was at the store near home buying dog food that was needed and then uptown at the bankruptcy lawyer and another place and another. All within hours of her death.

I imagined Id visit her grave every day. Just me. Or take the little dog. I might take a sandwich. Just sit and cry and talk. Each day. I dont even have her plot yet. Her ashes are beside the bed where she has been for years with me. She ate there, watched tv there, and slept there. Her hips would not allow her the freedom she loved and craved. She could go to town when needed but in more pain each year / month. Being in bed caused the blood clot which caused her death. But her pain caused her being in bed.

Even a year or two ago she'd walk to the kitchen with me or to the car down the front steps. Then she started going out the back door to the car because there are no steps that way. Then I let her hold onto my arm. Then she'd not go all the way to the kitchen and instead stop at the chair by the kitchen door. Then she stopped at the daybed in the living room and waited on me. Then I would get her clothes for her. Then I guided her and held her tightly. Then she stayed home while I went to the store starting last Dec.

I did not see all this with clear eyes until I wrote that all out. Now Im very upset in it all and myself. Oh God.

I think back and dont see how or why. I must handle stuff I recall. I really dont remember that day much. But damnit I feel bad for being that way. This way. I should be dead ..really I should. At the least so broken I cant get to the bathroom. Yet here I am living and trying to keep the home and our lives we had. Whats left. I dont know if Im broken....if something is wrong with me...or its normal.

Should have seen her or us in the 90s and 2000s. She would walk me to death at the mall. Id flop in a chair give out and she'd be moving around Belk, Parisian, and Profits like no time that day had passed. So much time had passed yet I did not notice.
Last edited by Daehawk on Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 8:00 pm

It's normal, and it's healthy. Mourning is a process that leads, slowly, back to a life. It isn't a permanent state, and that fact doesn't diminish your love for each other.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Eightball » Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:40 am

Dae, I am so incredibly sorry to read this. I can’t imagine the pain and grief you are in. My thoughts very much go out to you.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 2:52 pm

Went to bed with my back out. Slept awful thanks to no position being without pain. Got up kinda ok mentally. Back still hurts and side is really painful. It makes me beat my back to get a few seconds relief.

My days consist of talking to Donna telling her how I love, miss, and need her. I degenerate into not understanding why Im here. Why I was left behind. What did I do wrong. And begging and praying to be with her. Then Im back to love, miss, and needing her.

During my 'un super sad' time I sit and try to pass time. I have no interest in anything. Sometimes I laugh at a show or video. Then feel bad for it and apologize. Then Im talking to her saying "I know you want me to be happy and live. I know we'll be together one day" and on and on until Im bawling again.

The entire day though Im sitting doing something other than crying I have a weight on my heart and a flutter / vibration in my body. A nervousness...a dread...a loss. It is upon me each day. Ive thought it simply depression, grief and loss. My sister brought up maybe its a bit of withdrawal on me. I dont know. Maybe. Its been a month since I took anything but over the counter useless crap. Im sure my BP is up. But I dont know. Maybe its all of it...loss of my little sweetheart, withdrawal, and pain.....physical and mental. I dont know. Dont care much other than it hurting me. I quit cold turkey after 8 years of opiates. So maybe. I might never be right from either thing.

I plan to see our primary care doc next month and see about getting my Robaxim refilled. Its my muscle relaxer. Have no plans to restart opiates. Too much trouble in todays world not to mention others. I had planned to quit for 2 years but it always fell through because Im in pain constantly. Donna knew I wanted to get that kidney surgery this year. She always said take the medicine until after your kidney surgery then we'll taper you off together. She is gone now, Im taking nothing, and that surgery still looms. Alone.

So Ill have to go through hell again for the surgery...pain plus meds they put in me. You dont do that surgery without pain meds in you.

So Im sick, sad, depressed, alone, mad, and stuck here when I want to be with my baby. And this is just a bit of the mental anguish I am in and the day to day pain and crap I deal with now...alone. Used to always be I could turn and talk to Donna and she was always there for me and me for her. Now I have all my fears and thoughts and love to share with myself. No one else to talk personal with.

The surgery if and when I go would have been......Drive down with Donna. They put us in a room. She waits while they take me to get a needle and wire ran into my back, through my kidney and out my you know where. Then back to the room to be with Donna. Then off to surgery. When it was over Id be in my room and see Donna's face as the first thing when I woke up. She was always waiting for me after any medical stuff and I her. Then all day we'd be together and have each other. Then all night her near me. Next day Id be released and she'd drive me home and help look after me at home.

Now if I go...my sister takes me and drops me off. If I m lucky she may be there when I wake..but she has a life and things to do. So I stay all day alone in a hospital like where Donna died. I stay all night. Then my sister shows up and brings me home....to be alone again. Im not crazy and not harming myself..but I hope I die in the surgery. I dont want to wake up. But I know I will. I seem cursed to live. I do not fear death now. But Im stuck here it seems.

Im sick and tired of this kidney pain. 1 surgery and Id stop that part . Donna was all for it since I chickened out in 2015. We had planned on this spring for it so I could take a week or two to heal and then in the warm weather and summer and such I could work on things I cant do now because I am afraid to move or do move and almost throw up...or do throw up from the pain. I want to do it for me and Donna both ...but her gone....I sometimes think I should just live in pain. Maybe it will somehow kill me. But it hasn't in 16 or so years.

I even thought of how Donna died. I realized unlike her I cannot sit motionless in the bed every day and night for 4 years. Thats not totally true with D either but she was there a lot after her heart surgery and bad hips. I could do the same thing and live 20 years...who knows.

I hate this world, this life and my life. I just cant do anything about it. I eat and hate eating. I see stuff I loved like games and such and I feel nothing. I have not opened the PC software sales places since mid Dec 2018. Im done yet cant finish the race. I am coasting. Maybe Im getting close to the finish line. I pray a lot for it to be so.

Yet I hear Donna. She would hate me being like this. She would tell me so. She would want me to live, be happy, enjoy life I have left. So I am hurt by both thinkings. Im sorry Lil'D. I just am nothing without you and dont care to be.

And this does not cover all the world stuff I have to deal with right now and forever or the financial or anything. I hate this world. I really do.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by stimpy » Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:00 pm

This world is what you make it, and right now you're making it a lonely, depressing, sad and joyless place for yourself.
Nothings going to change until/unless you change it.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:12 pm

Yep

It hit me just now I dont know anyone like I did Donna. 31 years together..I know her favorite movies and types, food, drink, perfume, colors...anything and everything. I dont know anyone now at all and never will. Its a strange loneliness.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Paingod » Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:17 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:12 pm
I dont know anyone now at all and never will.
You might never replace her, but you're certainly not alone - and getting to know people will just take a little effort.

I'm sorry you're in such a dark place, but time does heal and that doesn't mean you end up loving her less, but hurting less.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:37 pm

Sad and bad thoughts always seep in when Im just sitting or trying to find distraction.

I worry I didn't hug and kiss Donna enough in the hospital. When she was out of it I didn't want to bother her. I kissed her forehead a couple times and moved her arm and such. But when awake I kissed her and hugged her and talked..She did the little 3 squeeze I love you with our hands. But I was afraid I'd hurt or bother her when she slept.. 😞...silliness in my mind again. Something to bother me.

I need to mourn and be sad. Maybe forever. But sometimes in little moments I just want a happy break. I try to think on ALL the happy stuff and I cry anyways.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Chrisoc13 » Fri Jan 25, 2019 6:45 pm

Hang in there. Still reading your thoughts. Just don't have the right words to respond but I feel for you man. Hang in there and keep talking.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 7:24 pm

All I talk about is sad. Im surprised Im not banned.

Like every time I use her little cell phone..which is mine now.....I feel sadness. It was hers. I remember her using it. Part of her life was with this phone. Another reminder she is gone. Must accept it one day. I do most times. Its whats killing me I think.

I get the urge to listen to music but everything I heard with her. Here, in the car, at the mall, in stores. All my life nearly. Finding something new is a pain but it even reminds me she isn't here to hear it. I remember telling her on that last trip home I am going to listen to some heavy metal to relax with and blow off worry. SIGH.

SIGH SIGH SIGH..all I do is sigh or whine to the walls or cry or text my sister all day my sadness.

I cant seem to have a single thought of Donna where I dont cry. Just now I was telling the pets we have lost goodnight as I always do. And I thought Donna would be in here with me if anywhere..she was always in here.....and started crying. Caught myself and yelled I cant even have a single thought of Donna without losing it.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 8:38 pm

I found the sweater shirt Donna wore last before the Stroke. It was under her pillow. I hadn't noticed it. It smelled like Donna and her perfume. For an instant I was happy then got hit by the loss and cried. My sister said smells are the hardest to deal with. I figure its because for just that moment its as if the lost loved one is here. For a brief moment its them. Its real. Not a memory or a picture. Its them. But then I cry and sob and I cant smell any longer.

.I cant help this feeling of hopelessness. I dont want to be here. I dont want to be filling the heater, eating, paying bills...just sitting liek a rock crying. If I had Donna it would all be fine. I know she is gone and thats just making it worse.

I dont know how long I can take this..either it needs to kill me or something else

I hate this world .. I really do. I hate it all..the loss the sadness the missing love the bills..I hate the world.
I need to find something to busy myself or entertain myself until I go to bed later..this sucks...yet it should suck I suppose. Donna wouldn't want me like this but I think she would understand.

I live a life I no longer want..no ones fault ..not mine...not Donnas. It just is not...Im not adapting. Im getting through the days by crawling. It isn't fair or the same..never will be to me...but maybe like you all say it improves.
From losing family and pets I have had it happen..it improves..you go on...this though is way different...much more difficult...maybe more..maybe Im broken now.

Maybe Im thinking too much..trying too hard...trying to little...not trying....shrug
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 10:02 pm

I wasn't there with Donna when whatever happened happened. Only when she did pass. I can only hope and pray it was easy on her and gentle. I hope she didn't know. I worry she might have hurt or was afraid and wanted me. I had to come home. I even got her permission that day :) :( But I still should have been there.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by AWS260 » Fri Jan 25, 2019 10:57 pm

When she fell ill, when she passed, and for years before that, she knew every moment that you loved her.

The pain you're feeling is normal, and it takes a long time to feel better. Write whatever you want here, we're listening.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Moat_Man » Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:37 am

Daehawk wrote:
Fri Jan 25, 2019 7:24 pm
All I talk about is sad. Im surprised Im not banned.
Yeah, that's not going to happen. You are clearly in pain and suffering, both physically and emotionally. I have zero expertise in the emotional support area but it seems pretty early for you in the process from a time standpoint. From you posts it looks like everything you touch, see and smell reminds you of Donna and I'm not sure that's super healthy long term unless you get through to a place where it isn't pain and sadness you feel but the happiness that you remember. Again, no expert here. I think even this thread is always going to always bring back memories for you, and while right now you are using that as part of greiving process, long term if all you do is dwell on the sadness and pain of loss that can't be healthy. Donna didn't sound like the type of person that would want you to wallow in pain. She wanted you to be happy, so try and... be happy? At least for little streches at a time? Then string longer streches together? The longer the strech the prouder she'd be of you? Maybe? I dunno, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Just trying to help.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:24 am

All these thoughts. I have SO many. I always just spoke to Donna. No matter what. Just talked or blurted out with her. Now I am trying to keep stuff to myself more because online or with my sis is not the same and such. Some stuff I still do post. Like what Im posting I guess lol.

Had a scary dream last night that woke me up. As I lay there going back to sleep I had the silly thought that me , a guy, was scared and only wish my little 4'8" wonder was here so I wouldn't be scared lol. Silly I know. Im all alone though..its just wrong.

Then going through the store sales ads online looking for bargains before I leave here in a bit to stock up for next weeks winter cold I notice SO much stuff I would normally show Donna or get for her or to cook for her. All just items Ill see and remember and be hurt by for a good while I suppose.

In the car Ill be alone. My baby wont be looking right at all the stops saying "clear this way" or "One coming you can go after the red truck". I do it now...or forget to.

No us talking over stuff like getting the tire patched. Ive been airing it up since last April. It almost feels weird Im going to try and have it plugged or patched or whatever today. It got routine for me and her to do it this way. But I was already sick of doing it. In the rain, the cold, the heat, maybe the snow...you name it.

Decisions. Ive always been horrible at making them. Either I could never decide or I made the wrong one..every time. I let her make them. She was perfect. Now I have no choice.

Money. She knew it down to the penny. When to use it, on what, where, and when......even why. Me I am trying. I am learning. I feel Im doing everything wrong somehow. Guess the future will tell.

Power bill came in today. I have been SUPER saving. I live in one bedroom. I only run the other 2 or 3 heaters at night if its below 25. Ive done that 4 nights total. Yet the power bill is $175. I dont see how the hell its like that. I dont use anything in this bedroom but a pc, a light and sometimes a tv other than a small heater. Its crazy. But its normal for us this time of year I think. Wish Donna was here.

Thats all I ever think or wish...I wish Donna was here. For SO many reasons. So many. The world has changed so badly yet it hasn't changed that much. Yet it is changed to me.

Later I may try to play something. I know Donna would want that...want whats best for me. She always did. But Im just not me now without her. I get so bored yet cant do anything.

And while Im out I have to get three 5 gal kerosene jugs filled. So between getting them in the car while Im out and into the house at home Im not sure I wont be screaming around on the floor later :) Donna cant rub my back or massage my side. I cant rub her aching legs or help her around either. Life has changed. Im sure she is in Heaven and fully well, happy, and at peace with lost family and loved little pets. Its just me that is left behind . Ill get by. I must. Donna would want me to until we are together again. I am trying as I can or my grief lets me. May watch some Twitch stream today. The mechanic I watch during the week is playing Atlas. A online pirate sailing survival game. Looks fun.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:50 am

I wanted to make a separate post on the donations. Just to restate....When the first ones came in and Donna was not awake yet from the stroke...maybe Dec 29 or Dec 30....I found out about the donations while I was home feeding the little dog. When I got back to her side I thought she was still out of it but I used the tablet and looked and told her about the donations from OO and her little face went so sad..she almost cried. She was happy and touched! I yelped and laughed and cried there with her. It meant SO much to us...to her. Im crying ...crap. One sec.

So much hope then. :(

Anyways......If I can think right and add and subtract right I 'think' I can stretch out the donations along with my checks to make a few months be taken care of. If I use ALL my check each month it shouldn't take too much more than it to get by if I live as we lived ..just huddled in here and get nothing . It will give me a little time. Perhaps even long enough to get my surgery in a few months and heal up. Shall see how the next couple months go.

Also have a bankruptcy lawyer meeting on Monday. Im going to try and find out about hardship dismissal and things. Its the house payment thats going to kill me. Donna told me when she took it out if something ever happened to her it pays off with the credit life insurance. I told her stop talking that way. I dont care I just want you. Well something went wrong and Citifinancial either sold the loan or something to some other company or Donna got behind. It ended up at Bayview from what I can tell and they are a loan collection agency or some shit. So when that happened the credit life poofed.

My only hope...since I REFUSE to refinance......is to somehow get that life to go into effect, get the payment lowered by half since my income is half, or have a court dismiss it or do something.

My only options after that are work part time disabled in crippling pain or lose the home. And it IS home..not a house. I 'think' theres 5 years left on the home payments. SO close! Shame. I dont want to pay 10 years but may have to. That $447 a month aint gonna go away on its own lol...its not funny. I dont know why I chuckle.

Also must replace those tires soon. Going to try and get one patched today to extend its life a little. But by April Im looking at another $258. Same as last April when we got the front two.

I feel awful thinking so much and talking about money. I just want Donna and miss her . All this other is in my way and on my mind too much. Donna was and is my life. I found a pic I took of her and her parents Christmas circa 1991. So young and much healthier. It reminded me of how much fun and love we've had our entire relationship. All I can do is remember and be sad. Yet sometimes smile . I talk to her in Heaven. Im still crying a lot. I also laugh now or tell her of remembering stuff about us and smile.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 12:31 pm

Moat_Man wrote:
Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:37 am
From you posts it looks like everything you touch, see and smell reminds you of Donna and I'm not sure that's super healthy long term unless you get through to a place where it isn't pain and sadness you feel but the happiness that you remember.
That's a thing, too. At some point, Dae, you're going to need to start making your space your own. Start by putting up a few things that she wouldn't have, even if it is a couple of cheesy posters. Then pack a few things away that were hers. You don't have to do it now (although it might help), but at some point. You will always have a few of her favorite things around. You will always have memories around you. What you can't do is live in the Donna Museum.

Most people I know who've lost a mate after decades together move. They do it because they can't walk through their house without seeing their lost love in every chair and around every corner. They realize that in order to move on with their lives, in order to be happy, they have to go to where they have a few memories (pictures, etc), but aren't reminded of their loss at every turn. It's probably beyond your means to move, but we poor folk are good at improvising. Thus the slow rebranding of the Donna Museum into the House of Daehawk. Maybe start with one room - perhaps the living room. Get your computer and TV in there, and make it your own room. Move the furniture so the room looks different. Redecorate with your stuff. Leave the bedroom for now (or do the bedroom and leave the living room), but give yourself some space where her memory won't be constantly forced on you.

It isn't forgetting her. It is showing that you love her so much that you can't stop thinking about her any other way.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Unagi » Sat Jan 26, 2019 12:46 pm

Blackhawk wrote:
Sat Jan 26, 2019 12:31 pm
Most people I know who've lost a mate after decades together move. They do it because they can't walk through their house without seeing their lost love in every chair and around every corner. They realize that in order to move on with their lives, in order to be happy, they have to go to where they have a few memories (pictures, etc), but aren't reminded of their loss at every turn.
This has been what I've seen most often as well.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 6:41 pm

Im couped up in the bedroom because the rest of the house is freezing :)...Actually this was her room where she grew up. I took it over circa 1988. We used it since. But Im not one to move stuff or change. Never have been. One day Im sure it will be so comforting to me.

I still need to wash her spoon. She loved plastic spoons from fast food places. Her favorite are ...were....the red ones from Firehouse subs. She used one just a day before her stroke and its sitting at the sink. It has her mouth imprint on it. I will wash it soon. But its tough. Ive already moved and washed or thrown away stuff my heart said keep but my mind and Donna's voice in my head said to toss :)

Baby steps.

I need to discuss her phone which is mine now...but Im going to start a separate thread for that.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 8:57 pm

I re read my posts in the thread when she went in for heart surgery. Lots to think on there. Guess D got extra time. Not enough. But some. Shame in all of this loss.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 27, 2019 3:54 pm

Over the later years I prayed to the heavens to have some of my life years taken and exchanged to her so we would even out our time on Earth. I begged and pleaded for that. I would've given my life for her. No regrets, no hesitation. Anything for that little girl. And nothing I did helped in the end and I am still F'n here.

Bad day.

EDIT: The house is cold. If its cold at night even a warm day wont help if you dont turn on some heaters. Or run the kerosene one. If the house gets cold then only the heaters or 2 or 3 days and nights of warmth change that.

I know that. Yet it feels cold to me as if the heart of the home is gone. It is. Im having a bad day I guess. All days are and will be I guess. I just dont feel I can go on. I dont want to..i cant. Oh I can handle the bills for right now....I can eat.....I just dont feel I can go on living without her. Im still here though I have no choice. I hate it all.

I miss her. :(
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Jan 27, 2019 4:59 pm

This has been an on and off day. One minute Im planning how to tackle the backyard growth when it gets warm like Ive done for years and not gotten to. The next Im saying I cant keep doing this. Im not going to make it. Get up, do the day, go to bed, get up, do the day, go to bed. All without her I cant go on like this. Its wearing me down mentally and physically.

I think I can do the financial stuff if I have the money then I think I dont want to do anything I shouldn't be here. back and forth. Changes I guess in my thinking but I feel bad in all ways. Just want to be with my baby..here or there. And cant have either.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Mon Jan 28, 2019 1:24 am

Regarding the electric bill - it will even out eventually. They don’t actually read them every month. Hope al else is OK. Hang in there.


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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:28 pm

Sister took care of me all day. Took me to eat lunch and ran me around to the lawyers and food place. Gonna snow and freeze here tomorrow. Im doing things Id do with Donna or her here and I feel awful still without her here. Im doing the same things as always but they are no longer the same to me without her. Im still crying multiple times a day. I have a heaviness to me. Getting mad more :)

Got some money stuff done...Im less worried on some and more worried on others. Like when a bankruptcy lawyer that did ours tells me to sit on a payment or two and not pay them and such. Worries me. And it looks like 3/4 of the gofundme will go to the lawyer to get everything in my name...which has to be done.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 28, 2019 9:53 pm

Still thinking of Donna and missing her in everything I do or place I go or thing I see. Walked to the kitchen and Im home. Its not really changed much if any....a little. But its not the same with her not here. When I was with Donna I was home. Didn't matter where we were. Im no longer home any longer. Its the closest to home Ill ever be again but its changed without her to me. Im so sad these days. I seem to not be crying as much today. but I spent from noon until 5 with my sister in town doing stuff. had one good cry since being home. It always hits me harder here at home when Im alone and it gets dark.

I had meatloaf and pintos with mashed potatoes today. Donna loved all three. I got sweet tea. I like tea pretty well but Im a coke person. Donna would get tea. Id sip hers or refill my coke with tea as I left. But I get tea now. I need to stop living her life. My sister said I need to find Brian's life. Brian sorta lost his life when Donna died Im afraid.

A friend online last night helped by saying Ill never get over her. Never ever. Life is changed and I cant change that. But he also said it goes on but different. And I dont have to be anyone but me no matter what anyone else thinks I should be at any given time.

Dont want to be here. Dont want to be alone with out Donna. But I cant change those two things. I will exist. I will persist. Until I dont. Unfortunately.
Last edited by Daehawk on Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:30 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 9:53 pm
I need to stop living her life. My sister said I need to find Brian's life.
OO said the same thing.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:39 pm

Blackhawk wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 10:30 pm
Daehawk wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 9:53 pm
I need to stop living her life. My sister said I need to find Brian's life.
OO said the same thing.
Yup. One day perhaps. Im still living our life. Im sad it will fade. I worry it will. I know that it will...that it must. Doesn't make me happy.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by hitbyambulance » Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:46 pm

question is, did you ever really have your own life? after the age of 18, i mean.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 12:26 am

Yes my own life with Donna. If you mean going to clubs and parties and movies by myself then no. Not my thing. Ive always been with and for Donna and her me. A couple.I have no interest in a single life. Our interests intersected or ran parallel. We had no alone interests. Before Donna it was always my parents. After Donna I was free and with her. being husband and wife was our lives.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 1:55 am

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 12:26 am
Yes my own life with Donna. If you mean going to clubs and parties and movies by myself then no. Not my thing. Ive always been with and for Donna and her me. A couple.I have no interest in a single life. Our interests intersected or ran parallel. We had no alone interests. Before Donna it was always my parents. After Donna I was free and with her. being husband and wife we our lives.
That was a 'no.' And he's not talking about clubs in a teenager's "get a life" kind of way. Twelve years ago I got divorced. Prior to that, I would have answered like you did. I was with my parents, then married, then lived with a friend for three months until I got together with my second wife. The real truth of it just wouldn't have occurred to me.

For the first year and a half after the divorce, I was a mess. I was horribly depressed. I was lonely. I sobbed. I didn't game for fun so much as I gamed to hide. All my life I'd been with someone, and all I could see was that it was gone. After that first year and a half, though, I realized that I could be happy - just as happy - being with me. For several years afterwards I was all over the place, trying on new philosophies, new hobbies, new ways of living. Eventually, I discovered what really suited me. I discovered who *I* was inside, as opposed to how my relationship defined my life. Afterwards, I knew how to be *me.* When, just last year, I got back together with my ex-wife, it was me, as me, sharing me with her. It wasn't me confusing 'us' as if 'us' was all I was.

You've never, not once in your life, had the freedom to just be Brian long enough to know who Brian really is. When you start figuring that out, you'll find your contentment again. As long as you let yourself. If you refuse, and only think about the lost 'us' as if it were all you could ever be, you'll be angry and miserable. That doesn't mean forgetting her. It means not trying to continue to live the 'us' life now that it isn't there anymore.
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