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Wife in hospital..stroke

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 12:20 pm

I took pictures and a video of the snow we got . It hit me then that this is the first one Donna isn't seeing with me. I love her so much. I miss her so much. I need her so much. I came inside and cried. I seem to be one big baby. Not even noon yet. But its also not even the first month yet.

I 'think' Im getting moments. Of being ok. Of thinking about a game or playing one. Moments. I used to have 24/7. My breakdowns are not as big or as many I dont think. I still miss her like mad. I always will. I still break down. But I ''think' its changing. If given my choice Id still die instantly and go be with her. I dont think that will ever change. Ill look forward to that until it happens. But Im doing all I can to juggle the bills and little money. Im working on everything at once.

Not trying to be a blowhard or bragger but I think Ive done much better than if Id tried this last year even. Donna would be proud I think. I dont understand how Ive done what Ive done not to mention the looming stuff I must get through. Perhaps she is helping me out. I wouldn't put it past her :)

Im still beyond sad. But not ALL the time. My sister is helping. I need to do more with just me. Ive caught myself multiple times calling her 'hon' . I do not want to transfer any dependencies onto her. I must do stuff alone. I miss getting the car door or store door for Donna. Or getting a buggy and handing it to her. I still have a thought when I grab a buggy to hand it off.....but I am alone and must do it myself.

Its all SO SAD and depressing ...this world....my thoughts. I am trying. Changes occur. I just want to go back in time but I am pushed forward by every damn thing...by life. A life I no longer want or enjoy living all that much. But there is something in me I see that wants to see what is out there. At least death holds no sway over me now. I am freed from that worry.

My life is a little like me reading that poem at Donna's memorial family dinner. Ive suffered severe stage fright my entire life. But there I got right up and read it loud and clear with no fear. Maybe other things in life hold no fear to me now. When the money is somehow worked out and the weather changes for the better perhaps we'll see then.

Ill never get over losing Donna. Its not possible. Ill always love her with all my heart and soul and be her "Booty" and husband. Soulmate. But maybe there will be life still whether I want it or not. Time shall tell me. And perhaps Donna will keep an eye on me and nudge me in the right directions at times I have doubts.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 1:17 pm

Ive updated the gofundme if anyone wishes to view it and doesn't get an email on when I update you can click the link in my sig.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Tue Jan 29, 2019 1:20 pm

Things will work out and you will eventually be OK. Your life will never be exactly the same, but it can still be good. Right now you are having mostly bad days, but those will decrease over time and eventually you will have jut as many good days as bad. In the end they may nearly all be good ones.

FWIW - its not bragging to acknowledge that you are growing and doing better than maybe you would have before. That's definitely something to own.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Hyena » Tue Jan 29, 2019 1:35 pm

Cylus Maxii wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 1:20 pm
Things will work out and you will eventually be OK. Your life will never be exactly the same, but it can still be good. Right now you are having mostly bad days, but those will decrease over time and eventually you will have jut as many good days as bad. In the end they may nearly all be good ones.

FWIW - its not bragging to acknowledge that you are growing and doing better than maybe you would have before. That's definitely something to own.
Agreed on the last part, for certain. We are here to listen, and we like hearing the positives as much as we support your grief. You will have growth, and it will make you feel sad, maybe even guilty, the first few times, and that's COMPLETELY NORMAL. Try to see those moments for what they are: missing someone that you would have shared that experience with, and nothing else. You are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to grieve, and the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Don't think that moving on with her in your heart is a bad thing. Use her memory as a strength, not a chain. I have a very strong feeling she would be extremely proud of you, so think of her cheering you on and grow.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Steron » Tue Jan 29, 2019 2:09 pm

Man. I haven't been on OO in years. I got the wild hair yesterday to check and see if it still was going strong. I saw your post on the first page and it made me read it as my father had a stroke a few years ago. I did not expect for it to turn out like it did.

I read every post. Your words have touched me. I sat here at work fighting tears. I wish I had something inspirational to post or had some sage advice to help you. Alas, I do not. I am truly sorry for your loss. All I can say is keep trying. Keep fighting. Keep living. I believe it is what she would have wanted.

-Matt
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 2:43 pm

Thnaks all. Yes I know she would want the best for me. To have me happy someday and living a good life and to see her again. I dont know how long I will live. Right now Im still upset Im here and she is not. I still feel left behind. Not her fault though. Not mad at her.

I sit here and get those flashes of normalcy. I have an urge to play Far Cry Primal some but almost instantly that feeling is gone. Or Im ok and not sad or Im actually happy for that flash. Then its gone. Im passing time. In it all I just want Donna and to be with Donna. She was my everything and Im trying to adjust. Or maybe Im not but I am or will somehow on my own in time.

Her not here is a huge gaping hole with no ending in everything I see, that I do, that I remember, or that I smell or eat or anything. She was always here and talking to me.....now there is a never ending silence. I cannot keep busy 24/7. I cannot buy anything, I cannot go anywhere. Its money spent and stuff I dont do anyways.

My only true peace these days is when Im asleep. Im totally at peace there. I still dont really dream. I have a couple times in this entire month. One Donna was in a bit.

It seems as if the world has become hollow and I have lost half my senses..touch, sound, smell, sight, taste. My other half is gone and I am crippled. Time must pass. (And in the middle of writing how I feel my silly mind says to me.."The spice must flow"....silly mind) .

Sigh.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by gbasden » Tue Jan 29, 2019 5:22 pm

Steron wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 2:09 pm
Man. I haven't been on OO in years.

-Matt
Thanks for stopping by! It's good to see old faces every now and then! :)

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:20 pm

I told the air "I love you sweetie" and got nothing back of course. Just a month ago...and for 31 years before that.....she would be here with me and Id say " I love you sweetie" and she'd say "I love you too" and give me the sweetest smile. :(

And Im back to a cry. Its this time of night when the day is long and it starts to get darker.

Found 2 short videos from different Christmases where she actually let me film her for a few seconds. Her smiles and voice...very little but something. Its killing me and ripping me apart but I love seeing and hearing her. Now I need to distract myself with something. Will have to get the dog in after dark for one thing. Still running bills in my head.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 8:50 pm

You think all your loving, fun, amazingly good memories are just that. But one day...at least to me now...they hurt and are sad. I want to get the enjoyment from them again. One day.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Jan 29, 2019 9:47 pm

Ive not really made a trip to the kitchen without a cry today. Maybe a couple times. The rest I stand in there and cry and speak to God and Donna. I have to walk through the house to get to the kitchen. I see Donna's little shirt she left in the chair as she left it last time she wore it. I see her coat on the couch where she laid it or moved it. I see her boxes of clothes she stored in storage boxes to save room. The ones I helped her move and open when she needed something. I see all her stuff. I see our stuff. Its all the same as she left it. All the same as when she was here.

I know she is gone. But when Im not thinking on it I see this stuff and my brain screams SOMETHING IS WRONG! And then I know. Its all the same but she is gone forever. Just not here. Its wrong. Its not fair. And Im crying when it hits me. I cannot change that. Im hoping its good for me. I wouldn't change a thing in this house now. Maybe never. But not now for anything. It is as she was here. I think sometime it will comfort me. Just now its tough. I am really thoroughly alone compared to just a month ago. And the 31 years before that.

She is gone...and my heart hurts and my brain rebels. My soul twists. The part she didn't take with her.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Tue Jan 29, 2019 10:03 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Jan 29, 2019 9:47 pm
I wouldn't change a thing in this house now. Maybe never. But not now for anything.
Then you're living in a tomb. Stop torturing yourself. Lean on your sister; it sounds like she really wants to help you with all this. Let her.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Steron » Tue Jan 29, 2019 11:02 pm

It's only been 20 days. I can't imagine what I would be like after such a short time. Especially after 31 years. It took my mother-in-law months before she started moving, packing, donating, distributing things to her kids, etc. It took time, but she did it. His passing wasn't sudden. They had time to get things in some semblance of order. He was diagnosed with stage 4 brain and lung cancer and given a year to live. He made it 15 months. My wife called his cell phone often just to hear the voicemail greeting until it finally got turned off. Some people heal faster. Some slower. Some not at all.

It seems like you two were pretty private and never asked anyone for help. I agree with Smoove, let your sister help you. I would hate to have to go through something like this alone.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 12:03 am

Yes 31 years was an instant to us. As I had posted recently I think ,it was full of fun, love , strife at times, and amazing things. 31 years was a blink. I still cant accept it as a long time when I think on it most times. So ya these 30 days are nothing. It will take the rest of my life to find some peace I think. Ill do it my way. Ill accept encouragement and advice. But Ill have to do it my way. Its going to be slow. And it will never be the same...I just dont know how much it will improve. Baby steps. Im doing things now Ive either never done or not done in 31 years . Like this financial stuff was never...and riding in the car by myself Ive not done in 31 years except when D worked and I dropped her off or went to get her. I still dont turn the radio way up because it bothered Donna's headaches yet as a teen I had one of the loudest in the town. People wanted rides just to listen to the 9 speakers. Slow steps. If I take many.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 12:55 am

I think the worst thing affecting me in all this is I have never been alone. Never ever. Never been on my own. And had no responsibilities. Don't take that wrong...My life has been a thing of pure beauty when it came to Donna and my parents and such. But I have never lived on my own. Never took care of financials. Yes I took care of the home and yard and tech and such. But never anything I would truly need to survive.

Luckily it seems Donna taught me enough and I also picked up stuff from just being with her. But on my own or alone..no never. And its frightening to me and a hell in its own way.

I was raised by my grandmother and grandpa on moms side. Just go with it as explaining it is not in me. Papaw died when I was 7 or 8. Mom visited once a week and dad had me on the weekends. He always went to court to get me but granny fought him every step of the way. Anyways at 16 I left granny due to Alzheimers and went to live with dad. At 17 I quit school and tried to work. My disability didn't allow it but I tried. Multiple jobs and much pain and injury. At 18 I met Donna and moved in with her in her parents home. The 4 of us made it all work. In 1993 when I was 23 my mom died. 94 my brother committed suicide. 95 my granny died. 2002 my dad died. 2006 my father n law died. 2008 my mother n law died. 2017 our close cousin died. Along the way other family and many loved and cherished pets passed on. They all hurt me deeply. Felt broke. Not near Donna's loss AT ALL. Pets id cry myself to sleep for 2 weeks. But in ALL of that there was always Donna with me. To help me. To talk to me. To simply hold me or be near me.

Until it was just me and Donna vs the world. Once totally alone really we got 10 little years. Amazing years. But not long enough. But as you see I was never alone. Now Im fully totally frighteningly alone. I have not the skills much in the way of caring for anything but the stuff Ive known. I am learning as I go. I am teaching myself. And I am using what Donna did teach me and what I picked up with her.

Im surviving. I will win this. The world will not take me. I dont really want to be here to fight but since I am I might as well make the most of it. I am sad...so very sad..beyond sad...yes broken. I am crushed in so many ways. I will never be the same....not even close. But I am here. I have responsibilities I must care for. I will care for. I am caring for. I have my mind if not my body or my love. My soulmate as I say..as we were, are, and will always be. My wife. She supports me. I know it. I feel it. I hear her in words from the past. Smiles I enjoyed. Touches I keep with me.

So yes I am hurt, broken, and heartbroken. I may always be like this...maybe a bit better. Maybe a lot better one day. But I am here. I will not give up for so many reasons. I will not give in to the world. I had, have, and will always have my wife, my soulmate, my guardian angel with me. Supporting me in everything. I will fall and I will stand. Its a road I travel alone now.

But I do have friends both here and near'ish me :). Some family. My sister is the only one who visits or takes me to eat. She talks to me as much as possible on the phone and on FaceBook . Little messages. Its not the same but its what I have. Heck I hadn't even spoken to her in 2 years except little FB msgs. Not seen her in person in 4. I have some support. Is it Donna level support. No...no it can never be unfortunately. But I have something.

You guys worry from my posts. Everyone is different. I more than most I think. Emotional. Loving. Grumpy. I dont like to quit until Im done. Donna would beg me to take a break or put something off I had started. But I would not until I was done. Im stubborn. Ya stupid too in things. But Im also smart as she said in things she was not and she was in what I wasn't. I will continue. I have no other choice. I will not fall easy. I see sparks of light ahead of me in some of the problems I face home and financial wise. Things will knock me down. It happens.

You know Id rather be with Donna than anything. Yes I still do. Its easy to see or hear in my typing. But read what I have posted. Know that I cry many times a day but Ive not given up. Donna wouldn't want that. I wont hurt Donna if I can help it. But I must grieve and I'll grieve slow. 30 days. Thats a minute to me if that. Maybe in a year I'll feel a bit better. Maybe the warm weather this summer will help. Or like sometimes I'll feel sad Donna isn't enjoying it with me. Thats when Ill remember she is having a MUCH better time than me. :)

I love you Lil'D <3

I kiss her photo when I go to bed. From 2013. So camera shy dangit! :)...I tell her I love her as I drift off. I still have only had 2 dreams since last Dec. I wake up and tell her good morning and I love her. I know in heaven she hears me. I apologize when I forget for a while. Time will slowly make me forget more and more. When she made it home from the heart surgery I thanked God everyday for months. On the way back from the mailbox, when I woke up, when I fixed her something to eat. Once each day. Then I started slipping. I felt bad about it. But Donna and others said God doesn't care. He doesn't go into that pettiness stuff. But thats how life is. Stuff fades...the bad and the good. We shall see how it changes now.

Im sorry for such long drawn out writings. I start these posts with a paragraph in mind.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Kraken » Wed Jan 30, 2019 2:43 am

Daehawk wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 12:55 am
I think the worst thing affecting me in all this is I have never been alone. Never ever. Never been on my own. And had no responsibilities. Don't take that wrong...My life has been a thing of pure beauty when it came to Donna and my parents and such. But I have never lived on my own. Never took care of financials. Yes I took care of the home and yard and tech and such. But never anything I would truly need to survive.
That's enlightening. We can tutor you in some of those daily nuts and bolts, if nothing else. Sucks that you have to take the crash course.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:48 am

I think Ive gotten more grey hair since all this. Now instead of the gofundme going for time and help I will need to use almost all of it to simply get the house and property in my name . Its part of the will you'd think it would just be followed. But nope I gotta pay a lawyer fee and a county clerk fee to simply do that simple thing. $800 total or near bouts. And I have no idea what gofundme keeps from the donations. Or if I owe taxes on the donations. I will not have that money to help like I thought but having it allows me to help anyways. Once this is done I can work on rearranging the bankruptcy and taking the house payment out and then working with them in hardship. If ...IF..all goes well. Could still be months. In fact it will be AT LEAST 2.

Need to go look up gofundme fees now.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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GroovAtroN, stop asking
I guess Ray Butts has ate his last pancake.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:50 am

I think Ive gotten more grey hair since all this. Now instead of the gofundme going for time and help I will need to use almost all of it to simply get the house and property in my name . Its part of the will you'd think it would just be followed. But nope I gotta pay a lawyer fee and a county clerk fee to simply do that simple thing. $800 total or near bouts. And I have no idea what gofundme keeps from the donations. Or if I owe taxes on the donations. I will not have that money to help like I thought but having it allows me to help anyways. Once this is done I can work on rearranging the bankruptcy and taking the house payment out and then working with them in hardship. If ...IF..all goes well. Could still be months. In fact it will be AT LEAST 2.

Need to go look up gofundme fees now.

EDIT:/......
GoFundMe is a for-profit company. It takes 5 percent of donations raised on its platform. There is also a 2.9 percent payment-processing fee collected on each donation, along with 30 cents for every donation. That means if a campaign raised $1,000 through 10 donations of $100 each, GoFundMe would collect about $82.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Wed Jan 30, 2019 11:01 am

When all the transfers are complete and the house is in your name, will you have enough monthly income to pay the mortgage? Taxes? Keep the power on? Keep internet service on? Pay auto insurance? Pay garbage bill? Purchase food for you and your pet(s)?

I know you're spun up over keeping the house, but what does that look like 3 months from now? If April comes and you're now owning a house you don't have the ability to maintain, what have you done?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 11:23 am

Depends on how much the BR lawyer gets the BR payment down to and how much I get the house loan modified down to. Right now the total BR payment with house inside is $670. Im HOPING that once all is settled and they are separate and fixed that the BR will be less than $200...maybe $100....should be less than $1000 total left to pay on it or there bouts. And hoping the house is cut in half from $440 to $225...I hope. More likely to be $300..but will try. If so and I get the best of the prices then Id have $645 left over ...of that nearly $400 goes to ins and bills. Unless I can do something. Leaving $225 for dog food, needs....sitting here as usual.

Thats best case. Worst case...if I do get discounts ...which I should..i mean the loan company doesn't want to foreclose and would rather get more money in the long run....lets see.....I guess worse would be BR of $150 and house of $300 so $450 plus $400....$850 a month leaving me with $100 to live on.

Keep in mind any BR payment will pay off in a few months. If I could spare like $1000 I could pay it off instantly. The donations would have helped me do that. But not to be.

I have considered two things to do in my life I never did and should....Im speaking in the far future. Get my GED and learn guitar. Likely do neither but its new thoughts.

I spoke to Donna a long time last night when I went to bed. Stayed calm. How I dont want to be here but am and will do my best in all of this. How Ill see her again and to her it shouldn't be long even if it is to me. How I know she wants me happy but I cant do it yet....such n such.

I feel it helps to simply talk to her. I know she hears me but I cant hear her. Talking sometimes helps me relieve worry and stress. Woke up with that heaviness and worry on my chest but it goes away as I get up. Its a horrible thing every day though. Life without Donna by my side everyday is the horrible part. I told her I guess Ill discover who Brian is and what he likes sometime. Right now I dont care about Brian's life or if he likes the couch here rather than there.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 3 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Z-Corn » Wed Jan 30, 2019 12:41 pm

I'm just curious, did Donna ever live on her own?

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:07 pm

Off and on. She lived on campus in college and had an apartment she used off and on. I think mostly she lived at home though.

My mind is trying to make me reinstall Fallout 4 and mod it up. I played it to death and was glad to be done. think I played it 2017. Not sure I can find out when it was. But I think my mind is pushing it because it was relaxing. During the time I played it I had a big problem mentally as I recall and FO4 was all I could play.

But losing my in game wife may not be something I can handle right now. Or I may be sick of the game lol. I thought last night I could play Far Cry Primal. I started it...but only to the menu then let it sit for an hour while I used the net then shut it down.

EDIT: Steam says I bought Fallout 4 12/1/2015. I bet Donna got it for me for Christmas. She bought me stuff early. She'd always say "You know this is your Christmas right?" :) I played it the next year so 2016. Seems more recent. Time. Played 309 hours.

Wish it showed my last played date.

EDIT: From the achievements looks like around March 13 2016 was the last time or near the end I played. Its for me choosing the future of the Commonwealth. I went Brotherhood. If I ever play again maybe Ill be meaner and go Institute.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:35 pm

Had my first cry of the day. Not bad for being up 3 1/2 hours. Came after seeing all the food in the cabinet. Could have used that when Donna was here. Its only because she died it was brought. I dont need so much.

Its not fair. I say it a lot.

Its not fair our financials were close to being easier.

Its not fair I have a cabinet of food and no wife to share and be happy in it with.

Its not fair all our plans are left unfulfilled.

Its not fair I have to be here without her.

I could list at least 20 things off the top of my head I feel is not fair. She would say Im being silly I bet. She would be right. But I still feel such an unfairness to all this end of life stuff.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:36 pm


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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 1:52 pm

Ah labyrinth.

Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since she has been gone. Every now and then it feels like months but most times it feels like a few days have passed.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 3:44 pm

Just now I found out we DID have credit life on the loan. I think the house one. Im trying to find out and getting a runaround. Found both of us were on it. Donna was right when she told me it was covered...once. The first place told it ended on Dec 2015. Right after we started our bankruptcy. She did say she would send me forms so I can file a claim and that way they will investigate it fully. So theres that.

Said she could see no more info so referred me to Onemain who it was through. They could see nothing but sent me to Portfolio Recovery who handles all their stuff if someone defaults or enters bankruptcy and such.


They said they could see there was one and we were both on it but nothing else. So a manager is supposed to be reviewing it and Im to call back in 24 hours or so.

So here I am again. I looked back at the monthly payments to 2010. It seems they were the exact same then as now. So either Im still paying for the credit life in the monthly payments or something weird is afoot.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Wed Jan 30, 2019 4:18 pm

Denying you at first and disavowing any financial responsibility is about par when dealing with any insurance company. Expect them to act with plausible deniability and refusing to talk about it until they have checked their stuff and talked with the lawyers to see if they can get out of it on some technicality. Only if they are sure that they are stuck with it will they work with you. Keep after them.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 4:37 pm

Will try.

I was just thinking of her hugging me. She coulda just reached around me to hug me but she always reached up and around my neck as I bent down. I was tall and she short for it but its her hugs I miss like that too.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 7:31 pm

You know all is not right when a morbid thought makes you smile. But last night it hit me...everyone dies. One day Ill get my way :)

Still being affected by all the food here that Donna and me didn't have and she would love. Everything is bothering me. had a very difficult evening today. Sister says it gets better. She lost her fiance after 29 years herself back in May last year.

World is not fair and I get mad about the unfairness of it all. Mad sad glad. They all mix and come and go.

I usually listen to music to relax but everything I hear is from the last 30 years and its all when Donna was with me so it makes it worse. Cant flip tv...have no interest in anything. Cant play games. A month has passed but it might as well be 5 days. My first 5 days were a hell so its different since then. I guess its different in the last week. But im still cut to the bone...the soul that I have left.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:29 pm

Layin in bed watching some tv I think......I go to bed without Donna I get up without Donna and I spend the day without Donna. I dont want to do this anymore. I have no choice..no....still dont want to be doing it.

Standing eating in there I think its so normal here. Theres the cokes I could take her one. Theres her clothes she could put on. Theres where she liked to sit. Her show is on I bet. Its time for bed later and she'd be asleep beside me. Wake up and kiss her good morning and start the day. All normal except it isn't at all. She is not here...ever again. And I still have so much pain from that. 31 years is a long time to become used to someone being with me so completely.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 10:59 am

This morning at 3am it was 4 weeks without Donna. :(

I hate you world.

One entire month. Sometimes feels forever and most others a few days.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 11:22 am

I must try and remember this picture frame quote..."When tomorrow starts without me, we're not so far apart. For every time you think of me, Im right there in your heart."

I prayed to Donna to give me strength and some happiness. I want to be sad all the time.....I feel I should be after 31 years..... but I cant do it. Its too much. I need to be happy some. I dont mean anything against her when I am happy. I know she knows this and wants me to be happy...... thats all she ever wanted. I told her Id try harder. Being sad is not killing me but I cant live and do what needs done like that. Some happiness would help.

I know she knows everything and sees everything. I worry over nothings...nothings

This is new right? this is good..I hope
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Thu Jan 31, 2019 3:15 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Wed Jan 30, 2019 3:44 pm
Just now I found out we DID have credit life on the loan. I think the house one. Im trying to find out and getting a runaround. Found both of us were on it. Donna was right when she told me it was covered...once. The first place told it ended on Dec 2015. Right after we started our bankruptcy. She did say she would send me forms so I can file a claim and that way they will investigate it fully. So theres that.]
You say you "just now found out". What do you mean by that? How did you find out? You should be able to get a statement from whoever you pay your mortgage to as to what the payment is going to - principal, interest, taxes, insurance, etc. That should be your first check on this.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 3:30 pm

I just found out as the bankruptcy lawyer place got a new phone number for the original credit life place.

And I did not know I could ask for that from Bayview.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 4:52 pm

Heaviness and thinking so many things today. All about Donna and losing her. I know she'd like me to be happy. To play a game. I cant do either. If it was me Id like her or others to be happy for me as Im in heaven . But I know they couldn't be happy for a while either. It all sucks. Not fair and I hate this world . Those are in a lot of thoughts. All the same but nothing the same. One of those days I guess Im bound to live. I think Ill always be this way to some degree. Everyone is different.

31 years. 3 decades. 1/3 of a century almost. I wanted more. I wanted much more. And if I didn't get it I was sure we'd go together. Now all my plans and hopes are shot.

Im handling bills. I can do this. If I had plenty of money it would be easier yes but end the same. Its living without Donna and being alone Im sucking at. As expected. Its the heartache and heaviness. The missing of my lovely wife and soulmate I cant handle or do anything about. Compared to that loss that feeling the rest is a piece of cake.

Watched some tv...thought of Donna the entire time.

No medicine to help my physical pain is weighing on me and no medicine to help my mood and keep me even is also a bother...but I refuse to do that again.

Im coping with the loss of Donna and the medicine stuff both at once I think.

And these cold days and short days bothered me to start with. When the days get long in the tooth and it gets towards time for dark to start in I get SUPER depressed and sad.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 5:14 pm

I think when the weather warms and I try to do things without Donna Im going to hate it all. I've been thinking about thrift stores. But Donna went to them with me. Being in there shopping alone without her I dont think Ill enjoy anything. Anywhere.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 6:30 pm

As I told my sister today all this physical pain Im in now is not helping and its a big reason Donna always told me we could quit my meds together and taper them off AFTER the kidney surgery. Donna was a bright little lady. So Im going through a terrible grieving loss I cant fix and Im in terrible pain. Not to mention Im still having some withdrawal problems....mainly mood swings...which is also a terrible time to do it.

So to recap I brought quitting up a few times and Donna was going to help me quit after surgery because of pain now, pain then, and Id go through withdrawal once after surgery not go through it like now then again after surgery once they pump me full of stuff.

Recap 2:
In severe pain
In mental upset beyond what I could imagine
Have mood problems from withdrawal.
Will have to do the pain until surgery then withdrawal again after.

Im an idiot. But it is how it is now. I take lots of OC stuff and its not touching anything mood or pain wise.

Oh and other than pay bills I dont seem to have anything to do for 2 months but sit home and post this stuff and cry off and on during the day then cry myself to sleep. Except for the times my sister gets me out of the house and keeps me busy.

I cant play anything I cant listen to music I cant do what we did or I did or want to do.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Grifman » Thu Jan 31, 2019 7:10 pm

Seems to me that if you want/need to go back to work, you need to have this kidney surgery first. That said, if you don't mind sharing, what is this surgery for? Why are your kidneys causing you so much pain?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 7:39 pm

Its my left kidney. Has 2 stones in it big as or bigger than a pair of dice. Ive hurt from them since like 2002. I got them blasted in 2008. They said still there 2 weeks later so re blasted them. Said all clear. That Oct I hurt from the right one and went in to a better doc and he said I was passing a 7mm or so right but the ones in left were still there. I left because I was upset. The lefts didn't hurt for over a year. Then started back in. They grew.

So went back in early 2015. Donna had open heart surgery in Oct 2014. Figured Id get that surgery. Donna was doing great and she is so tough. So I go in and they want to blast it themselves. Have a new machine from France. Ok so I do it . Go back..still there. They wanted to set up the surgery for 2 weeks later. I was yet again disappointed and scared of that surgery after watching so many videos online of it and reading about it. So I put it off. Meant to go back in a year. Well they stopped hurting until around late 2016 I think. I kept putting it off a little because I worried about it but more because of lack of money, having to leave the dog alone, and Donna's health and hips being worse. Imagining her sitting in a chair all day and that night and then driving me home was not something I could bring myself to do. She said she'd do it and it'd be ok. But I didn't.

So last year 2018 we decided. I wasn't able to do anything ..not even go to the mailbox without bad to severe pain. It had started making me insta vomit at times. Depends on how it hit me..how it poked me. They are now big stones. Bigger than ever. So was going to go this spring so I could heal up in warm weather and do the work outside and inside I wanted and needed to do. the dog would be cared for...but I still worried about Donna but need the surgery. And now Donna is gone.


Thats my kidney.

On another note I had this image in my mind earlier...like a time line image from left to right with a line marking a spot down the middle more to the right. Like the old dinosaur timeline graphics. To the left would be marked Me & Donna's life. The red line would mark her passing....and on the right after that would be a ghost text image saying My life since. Its unreal..its sad..I partly died it seems.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:24 pm

When my dad died in 2002 I dont recall being this upset. I had Donna with me..beside me ..of course. But her parents were still here. Our life was our life and continued. I mean I was real upset. I hated leaving him at that cemetery. It wasn't right somehow. But we were together...our life. I got better. I dont think I was upset as much after a couple weeks or crying at all. I had our life. Donna.

This time its my life Ive lost. My love. Its not dad...its soulmate. Im alone this time. This one month feels like a few days. Im still in the 'I can handle stuff in the world but not the loss and mental stuff' mode. Its not the same at all. Its Donna. I she cant talk to me. Cant hold me. I cant get past the loss. I am moving. I seem to move all over instead of straight ahead though. Its basically all up to me to get over this and me isn't cooperating. Me cant comprehend it fully.

I post these thoughts to get them out of me. To try an explain feelings and thoughts I really cant explain. They are microbursts in a huge storm inside me.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:44 pm

Crying one moment laughing the next minute. Im not sure Im getting better or cracking up. At least Im laughing....and its not a Joker cackle. See? I can be silly still....a little...at times. Donna would like that. I like that.
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