Dating as an oldster

[Cylus Maxii]

I'm not waiting a long time to date...just waiting to really want to do it again.

This. Exactly..

[iloveplywood]

I scan the threads and this one hits my brain as Dating an older sister. Wth.

hah, just wanted to chime in and say that I did the exact same thing. I'm glad it's not the case as that's horrible -- now the younger sister . . .

[Default]

Had two relationships after the divorce, both who thought of me as mancandy. Which was nice.

I am not dating though, because it turned into far more serious business than I could deal with at the time.

[LordMortis]

I'm not waiting a long time to date...just waiting to really want to do it again.

This. Exactly..

I decided I'm too much of a curmudgeon and also I discovered when I could have things my way... I really want things my way too much to date. I became a changed person when I re-discovered self apart from we. I found myself at a crossroads where returning to the dating pool (which I was never good at anyway) would be an attempt at irredeemable selfishness. I'd essentially want a servant. Be around when I want. Be scarce when I want. Take care of my and my stuff but only exactly as much I want when it is convenient for me. I'd take care of you and your stuff as a sort of payment. There would likely never be an "our stuff" this time around.

That's no way to be. And then as time has gone by, I've also lost the energy to do the sorts of things that make you want to your life with other.

If I ever get to retirement, maybe that'll change. Maybe it won't.

[morlac]

My divorce, after 17 years, was completed last month on the last day of court before the end of the year.

I admit that I also feel no strong desire to date again...even just for sex. I wish I was one of those people who see others as wonderful new books to read, but I find that most of them are borderline fan-fic that need a lot of editing to become palatable for my tastes. It doesn't help that I believe bonds are formed from many "firsts" like your first house, first marriage, first child, tragedies, family strife...and what helped get me through all of it was the bond I had with my wife. I think dating apps have opened so many options that people don't really work on something that might be surmountable when there's a new person one swipe away.

While it's anecdotal, the women friends I have who all divorced within the last year or two are stating that the pool of available men at our age (48) isn't all that great. In my opinion, I think women are leaving their good husbands for a perceived better partner being attainable. I don't wish any ill will toward my ex-wife, but I won't exactly be feeling too much sympathy if things don't work out with my replacement.

Many of the ideas I had about marriage has been forcibly removed and I'm sure this is part of my lack of interest. I had a good job, always helped around the house, took care of the kids, kept in shape, and thought I was a good partner to balance out the differences. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough...although I see friends and acquaintances doing far less. It's hard to get back into it all when you don't even know what, if anything, to fix about yourself.

Or, maybe it's all because I'm a half-empty kind of guy.

Bah! You were half empty when you were with your ex. Now, your half full!

Bolded part; wrong way to think about it. Sometimes, no matter how much you give it's just not enough. Is that your fault or the recipient of your attention and love? Kudos to you and your efforts on making it work but stop beating yourself up over it. Your glass is now half full, it should be easier to fill up

[Isgrimnur]

I'm not waiting a long time to date...just waiting to really want to do it again.

This. Exactly..

I decided I'm too much of a curmudgeon and also I discovered when I could have things my way... I really want things my way too much to date. I became a changed person when I re-discovered self apart from we. I found myself at a crossroads where returning to the dating pool (which I was never good at anyway) would be an attempt at irredeemable selfishness. I'd essentially want a servant. Be around when I want. Be scarce when I want. Take care of my and my stuff but only exactly as much I want when it is convenient for me. I'd take care of you and your stuff as a sort of payment. There would likely never be an "our stuff" this time around.

That's no way to be. And then as time has gone by, I've also lost the energy to do the sorts of things that make you want to your life with other.

If I ever get to retirement, maybe that'll change. Maybe it won't.

Chesspieceface might have some advise for you.

[LordMortis]

It's been so long since CPF has posted I'm having a hard time remembering. I might be conflating him with someone else, but my poor memory would be that he'd have advice for the good husbands whose wives left them for a perceived better partner (not too far of The Park Bench) and breaking coffee cups in a diner... that or I might be in the wrong reality again...

[Buatha]

I hear you, morlac. I know one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. I'd rather have a female companion. A woman who has her own life that doesn't need me to complete it...but to accentuate it.

[Default]

I'm contemplating a couple of cats.

[Enough]

Next on OO: Driving as an oldster.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

[Isgrimnur]

Next on OO: Driving as an oldster.

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

Dating as an oldster in a roadster.

[dbt1949]

Telling people the best deals on Depends.

[morlac]

I hear you, morlac. I know one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. I'd rather have a female companion. A woman who has her own life that doesn't need me to complete it...but to accentuate it.

Now were talking! Just make sure she appreciates you.

[paulbaxter]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

[Unagi]

[MindToyGames]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

Did you ask her why she hasn't texted you back in awhile? Does that make me a 'curmudgeon'?

[paulbaxter]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

Did you ask her why she hasn't texted you back in awhile? Does that make me a 'curmudgeon'?

I think for right now I'm going to just leave that be. I know she's trying to juggle a lot of things in her life.

[stimpy]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

Did you ask her why she hasn't texted you back in awhile? Does that make me a 'curmudgeon'?

I think for right now I'm going to just leave that be. I know she's trying to juggle a lot of things in her life.

I think thats a wise choice. Could possibly add undo pressure on her if she starts to feel like she needs to check in with you.

I met my fiancee 5 years ago. I'll be 58 this year.
She's 4 years younger. She had been married for 30 years with no kids. Her ex-husband ended up taking full advantage of her kind and giving personality and screwed he over royally. She was not in a good place when we met, but she has reverted back to being a trusting, kind and absolutely beautiful woman. I couldn't have been more lucky to be the one she chose to help her get back to a good place.
I wasn't looking, but am damn sure glad I found.

[dbt1949]

I would never date a woman who liked me.
There's got to be something wrong with her.

[Isgrimnur]

I would never date a woman who liked me.
There's got to be something wrong with her.

[Kasey Chang]

I would never date a woman who liked me.
There's got to be something wrong with her.

Ah, so Groucho Marx is your mentor?

[Buatha]

So, for the other "oldsters" out there, what are you looking for?

As a 48 year old man released from a 17 year marriage, I don't want to immediately get back into a long term relationship, but damn if it doesn't seem that is what every woman I communicate desires.

I would like a companion, exclusive even, but not to where I have to check in what I'm doing all the time or defend why I'm not hanging out with them. I'm not a "player" by any means, but I just left the commitment party.

[Skinypupy]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

Maybe it's the unsocial hermit in me, but I'm having trouble putting "a dance" in context for an adult. Help me out here.

Is it a date to go to a dance club? Is it some sort of public dance event (like a prom) that adults go to? A square dance festival? Country line dancing competition?

What does "a dance" entail in this situation?

[geezer]

So, for the other "oldsters" out there, what are you looking for?

As a 48 year old man released from a 17 year marriage, I don't want to immediately get back into a long term relationship, but damn if it doesn't seem that is what every woman I communicate desires.

I would like a companion, exclusive even, but not to where I have to check in what I'm doing all the time or defend why I'm not hanging out with them. I'm not a "player" by any means, but I just left the commitment party.

I'm not looking, but I have a few single female friends that are late-30 to mid-40 something, and what they tell me (and they have no reason to lie to me - I don't have a bunch of single guy friends they're trying to get together with) is that they *want* a relationship, but it's not like they jump all over every guy they meet to immediately jump into one. The women I know seem to feel that dating is a means to that, but they're not psycho about it or anything.

[Buatha]

I guess my issue is that dating means a bunch of different things to different people.

To me, it means we are going out to do activities and having sex together exclusively...and that's after at least two or three dates before the sex even happens. To some of my other female friends, it's like NINE dates...to others, it means you have almost committed to the long-term before sex even gets approached.

Personally, that latter approach sucks if you have spent that much time, then the sex isn't compatible or whatnot, then you have to extricate yourself after spending quite a bit of time. I was never good at dating since I generally knew someone well in advance and sex just became a bonus after we decided to date.

[Isgrimnur]

It’s almost as if each person is an individual with their own expectations and needs...

[Unagi]

It’s almost as if each person is an individual ..

I'm not.

[Buatha]

It’s almost as if each person is an individual with their own expectations and needs...

I see what you did there.

[em2nought]

So, for the other "oldsters" out there, what are you looking for?

Whatever I've been looking for never happened for me here. I'm too set in my single ways to change now. I've found that things can be much nicer for me in other less up tight cultures. Still not what I was looking for originally, but a decent replacement with nice feelings on both sides(I think and hope).

[paulbaxter]

Dream girl texted me today asking if there's a dance tomorrow night and saying she's like to see me again. I've been un-ghosted.

And yes, there is a dance tomorrow.

Maybe it's the unsocial hermit in me, but I'm having trouble putting "a dance" in context for an adult. Help me out here.

Is it a date to go to a dance club? Is it some sort of public dance event (like a prom) that adults go to? A square dance festival? Country line dancing competition?

What does "a dance" entail in this situation?

There's a dance studio here called The Lindy Lab. They host a swing dance every Thursday night. It's a social/partner dance. Usually around 30 or so people come each week. There are bigger dance events on some weekends. It's an interesting and complex environment in terms of dating, because on the one hand it's fun and active and there's some mild touching and holding hands as part of the dance, but on the other hand people normally switch partners for each new song, so you don't spend the whole time with one person. There's no formal rules about that, and you can dance with anyone willing to dance with you as much as you like, it's just the normal etiquette.

I've been addicted to swing dancing for just over a year now. With my dance friends we use that sort of language often: Is there a dance this Saturday?

Dream girl has a dance/ballet background and loves dancing in general, but had never been to a wing dance and she told me she's been eager to try it. I sent her directions and let her know there was a beginner lesson at 7:30 but that I wouldn't be able to be there until 8:30 myself since I work until 8.

I found her there her I arrived and she gave me a smile and a hug and said she'd done the beginner lesson and was comfortable with the basic steps. But she also brought a male friend along with her. We dance a few times together and I showed her a few of the moves I know. She picked everything up super fast. Oddly that left me feeling a bit inadequate, since it took me months to learn that stuff. I introduced her to a few of my friends there. She had several other folks ask her to dance, which was both fine and expected. We had some friendly chat and more dancing together. But then at the end of the evening she left with her other friend and didn't say goodbye and I was left feeling pretty uneasy about everything.

Oddly enough, last night I ran into my one friend who happens to know both of us. I talked with her about things a little and came to the conclusion that dream girl likes flirting and attention but isn't really ready for any sort of serious relationship. I don't necessarily hold it against her. I like flirting and attention myself, but I've been hoping to get more serious with someone special.

For now I think I'm done trying to pursue anything with her.

[Smoove_B]

Dating as an oldster sounds suspiciously like dating as a youngster.

[killbot737]

So, like, if some woman suddenly appeared on my doorstep I'd pretend I wasn't home until she went away.
But if somehow she magically survived getting killed by a toilet from Mir and then said we're married, I guess I wouldn't say no.
I don't think I'm on the "spectrum", but I'm definitely on the "Don't F with my shit!" spectrum.
I don't like people touching my stuff, Francis.

[Default]

So, for the other "oldsters" out there, what are you looking for?

As a 48 year old man released from a 17 year marriage, I don't want to immediately get back into a long term relationship, but damn if it doesn't seem that is what every woman I communicate desires.

I would like a companion, exclusive even, but not to where I have to check in what I'm doing all the time or defend why I'm not hanging out with them. I'm not a "player" by any means, but I just left the commitment party.

I'm not looking, but I have a few single female friends that are late-30 to mid-40 something, and what they tell me (and they have no reason to lie to me - I don't have a bunch of single guy friends they're trying to get together with) is that they *want* a relationship, but it's not like they jump all over every guy they meet to immediately jump into one. The women I know seem to feel that dating is a means to that, but they're not psycho about it or anything.

I may sound cynical, but women in their 30s and 40s have time. Once they turn fifty, the objective seems to find a companion, preferably one who has his shit together, asap.

[Buatha]

Frankly, I've been coming to the conclusion that most (not all) women are schizophrenic in some form or fashion. I guess I'm just too goddamn naive to think women actually understand what they want.

[GreenGoo]

Oddly enough, last night I ran into my one friend who happens to know both of us. I talked with her about things a little and came to the conclusion that dream girl likes flirting and attention but isn't really ready for any sort of serious relationship. I don't necessarily hold it against her. I like flirting and attention myself, but I've been hoping to get more serious with someone special.

For now I think I'm done trying to pursue anything with her.

Flirting and attention don't displace respect. Even in a non-committal early, potentially budding relationship it's hard to imagine a more overt middle finger than bringing a male friend to a dance a potential romantic partner invited you to, then leaving with said male friend without communicating with that potential romantic partner.

Sorry Paul.

[dbt1949]

I invited a girl out for a drink once. We worked together. She said sure and then later came and told me she had invited another guy from work. Later I came up with some lame excuse not to go.
I did not invite her and another guy.

[Cylus Maxii]

So, for the other "oldsters" out there, what are you looking for?

The thing is - I don't really know. I'm not positive what the end-game relationship form will be. I don't know what's really possible at this point. I am older and my life is different. My dating pool is different. And it has been pointed out - not a lot of life building and firsts going on to bond over. I'm not against marriage, but I 'm surely not jumping right back in. Its not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. I doubt it fits me at this point. I'm not sure it would work for me again. It worked unreliably, at best, the first time. And in retrospect, that was largely just me pulling the load. Marriage would involve love that would redefine the word for me, and I can't nail down what that means until I'm at least in the proximity of it.

For now, at least, I need my own space. I have college age kids still living with me and needing me as dad. I'm a grown-ass man and perfectly capable of keeping my own house together. I don't understand guys who seem to seek domestic help in a partner. After a 22-year happy-wife-happy-life marriage, I enjoy having autonomy to run it as I see fit and put my own stamp on my personal space. Seems only fair since I've been been doing the work for decades. It feels good to have a place that feels like my home; like "me." I think my individuality and personal space are crucial to my sense of identity.

As for the relationship qualities - I want companionship and reciprocity. I want to be relevant in each other's life and to matter. We need to care about and for each other. We need to add value to each other's life and enjoy time together. We need to be mutually supportive and also to challenge each other. And we damned sure need to laugh, and snog, and "dance." Finding that is the hard part. The rest will probably figure itself out.

[Buatha]

And it has been pointed out - not a lot of life building and firsts going on to bond over. I'm not against marriage, but I 'm surely not jumping right back in...[and the rest of what you said]

Ahhh, get out of my head, dude!

I couldn't have put it better myself, Cylus, especially the domestic upkeep part. Near the end, I was taking care of most things including the kids since her career seemed to be the only thing she was focused on. I went from equal domestic partner to domestic partner while keeping my own six figure career in IT. Some women would probably respond stating this is what men have done in the past to their wives, but 'I' wasn't one of those men that would thoughtlessly shit on their wife.

I don't know how to rebuild the partner part since we had so many 'firsts' (i.e. house, kids, disasters) that this is what I kind of feel is the glue of marriage in the long-term. Those bonds, I thought, allowed me to put trust in my partner since we were in this together.

Right now, I miss the physical contact of a woman. It's not just sexual (although that would be awfully nice), but sitting next to someone while watching a movie or having a late night talk in bed about some philosophical topic. However, I don't know how to get that without dating someone since everyone seems to demand something like "LTR only!!! Don't contact me for short-term/FWB/hook-ups". Hilariously, these are the same women I sometimes see dipping into the casual sex pool while keeping mum about it. Double-Think for the win!

I'm not ready to jump right back into long-term relationship party, but I don't know how to enjoy the single life without getting guilted into a relationship.

[em2nought]

Right now, I miss the physical contact of a woman. It's not just sexual (although that would be awfully nice), but sitting next to someone while watching a movie or having a late night talk in bed about some philosophical topic.

Lars and the Real Girl (2007) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805564/

[Buatha]

Real [Doll] funny, dude...real funny.