Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by pr0ner »

Buatha wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:14 pm I don't mean to be a downer, but I suggest you find something you both like doing together soon. You described what was happening right before my wife decided she was no longer happy in our marriage and got divorced. Once a woman decides that, it doesn't seem to matter what you want to do afterwards. I'm obviously not saying this is going to happen, but I got the "it's too late to change". Please note that we didn't have a screaming/hateful marriage...it just fizzled since she felt that we had started leading two separate existences.

Personally, after asking around (as you are doing), I find that most married couples are quite different in their hobbies/activities/passions and I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It all comes down to each of you accepting those differences or not...and she didn't. She wanted someone who shared her passions and she can find them since she is Argentinian and their men are more dancing/active/cultural types and lack most geeky things in general.
A lot of this mirrored some of my thoughts about the OP. There's a real possibility the relationship is at a crossroads if coop never wants to leave the house and his wife wants to get out and do things together.

About gun ranges, it couldn't hurt to ask if they have rifles available to rent. Not all ranges are handguns only; I've shot an AR-15 at a range before.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Smoove_B »

coopasonic wrote: Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:26 pm For Christmas she got me a groupon for a date night at the local gun range. By all accounts it is a really nice place. I have no interest in shooting, but technically I'm a man so apparently I should.
Maybe I'm overthinking this, but as someone that likes to play computer / console games that involve guns, is it possible this is just an attempt to bridge that apparent interest with a real-world equivalent? I mean, we know they're not equivalent, but in the same way someone could say, "Oh, Kingdom Death Monster is like Monopoly, right? There's dice and you own things?" shooting real guns might seem like it would be something of interest to a video gamer that likes FPSers.

Anyway, to come back to earlier comments, my wife and I have no hobby overlap though maybe someday that will change. I do think finding something you both like doing (in the house or out and about) is key.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by coopasonic »

Buatha wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:14 pm I don't mean to be a downer, but I suggest you find something you both like doing together soon. You described what was happening right before my wife decided she was no longer happy in our marriage and got divorced. Once a woman decides that, it doesn't seem to matter what you want to do afterwards. I'm obviously not saying this is going to happen, but I got the "it's too late to change". Please note that we didn't have a screaming/hateful marriage...it just fizzled since she felt that we had started leading two separate existences.

Personally, after asking around (as you are doing), I find that most married couples are quite different in their hobbies/activities/passions and I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It all comes down to each of you accepting those differences or not...and she didn't. She wanted someone who shared her passions and she can find them since she is Argentinian and their men are more dancing/active/cultural types and lack most geeky things in general.
If you look back far enough you will find a thread where I was posting about my marriage being at risk maybe 3-4 years ago... and we are still together because she held on so tight and relaxed a lot on her judgement of my gaming habits. We have been pretty comfortable as roommates with benefits. We don't really fight, we just also don't really anything else either. We watch an hour of TV together every night before bed and the family (we have boys 8 and 12) has dinner together every night.

A divorce wouldn't really bother me too much, other than financial impacts, but I should be able to survive that, and the idea of another man coming in taking my place with the kids. No matter how much I didn't want kids (that's when we probably should have ended it), the idea of someone else "taking over" for me doesn't sit well. Hell at this stage the 12yo could quite probably decide he wants to live with dad.

Anyway, that went in a slightly unexpected direction, but there you have it.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Daehawk »

Me and my wife were just happy to be together. We did our own things like me on PC and her on TV but were in the same room. So we could talk or ask the other for something . She always said it doesn't matter what we're doing ...if its the same thing or our own thing....as long as we're together. It was SO SO true,. I miss her.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Buatha »

coopasonic wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 1:12 pm A divorce wouldn't really bother me too much, other than financial impacts, but I should be able to survive that, and the idea of another man coming in taking my place with the kids.
Please don't take this wrong...but it's not just about you. My kids were pretty upset the first time we separated and it took a lot of effort on both of our parts to keep a calm exterior even though I had been blind-sided by the announcement myself. Additionally, I also thought I wouldn't miss my ex-wife as much as I did until a few weeks had passed and you realize a comfortable familiarity is gone. I've been dating a few months just to dip my toes into the waters...and I can't believe how many women don't have their shit together post-40 years of age...mentally or financially.

Again, I'm not trying to impress my views upon you, but just sharing my personal experiences for your consideration.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Zarathud »

What you do matters less than the effort to be together. Find something you don't hate and enjoy being together.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

You might Google "events on <anniversary day>" and see what comes up. That might give you some specific ideas of unique events you might enjoy.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Unagi »

Not to sound crass, but maybe rent a nice hotel room for the fun of it?
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by coopasonic »

Jeff V wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 2:37 pm You might Google "events on <anniversary day>" and see what comes up. That might give you some specific ideas of unique events you might enjoy.
Since it will be our 20th we're hoping for grander things for our anniversary, but until we see our tax returns we can't make those plans quite yet. Our 15th was a week in Aruba for reference.

At this point just a dinner date might do for the immediate needs. I do need to research a bit and call the range about the requirements there but maybe we will do something with that after all.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Daehawk »

Thinking of our last year makes it worse I think. 2018 was our 31st year together. We didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary or our birthdays or anything. We would have had nothing to eat special for Thanksgiving without some online friends buying us a Thanksgiving dinner box from Food City. We barely felt like getting out to go get it. We had no money either. We didn't do anything for Christmas at all other than give our chihuahua a stuffed animal we bought in Nov and he tore up and I fixed. I didn't even make a video other than him playing with it. None of us.

We were together and at the time thats what mattered. We felt awful and sick and tired and had no spare money. But we were together. Looking back though thats not enough now. I want videos and happy memories. Shrug. All I can do now is shrug and sigh.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

coopasonic wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:01 pm
Jeff V wrote: Thu Mar 21, 2019 2:37 pm You might Google "events on <anniversary day>" and see what comes up. That might give you some specific ideas of unique events you might enjoy.
Since it will be our 20th we're hoping for grander things for our anniversary, but until we see our tax returns we can't make those plans quite yet. Our 15th was a week in Aruba for reference.

At this point just a dinner date might do for the immediate needs. I do need to research a bit and call the range about the requirements there but maybe we will do something with that after all.
I just found out the kids aren't going away after all, which really kind of limits things. There are a few kids-friendly activities during the afternoon that day; but I may have to attend a hearing that morning (at the moment, I do). So going out of town to a waterpark for the weekend probably isn't going to work out, unless a lawyer tells me I don't have to be there (and so far, neither mine nor my brother's are returning calls).
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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I don’t really get the concept of date nights. It just seems like a plan to spend money. Maybe because we don’t have kids in the house? We just hang out together, sometimes doing the same things (poker, board games, hot tub with drinks, watching TV), sometimes doing different things (reading, different tablet or computer games.) If one of us suggests a movie or wants to go out to eat, we’ll go but it’s not something we plan around, and I don’t think we really did even when Kayla was younger. It feels like too much effort to plan a whole evening and build expectations around some event. Half the reason for getting married is so you don’t have to keep dating, isn’t it? :? (My apologies to my husband if you’re secretly wishing I was more romantic and into date nights; here’s a great opportunity to clue me in if I’ve been letting you down all these years.)
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Kraken »

How many nights are you home in a typical month?
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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Kraken wrote: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:57 pm How many nights are you home in a typical month?
Fair point.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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The wife and I dress up like Star Wars characters together. I guess that’s not much help.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by FishPants »

I think it's pretty normal to try and rediscover how the hell you ended up together after all those years, challenges -- especially as kids get older and become more self sufficient. Kind of doing that to a lesser degree myself; my wife and I have very different priorities and I've had to start communicating my desires/needs will no longer take a back seat -- I'm often the guy to capitulate and go with the flow, but occasionally now she's learning to recognize it's not always about her (And I'm ok with it being about her a lot as she was the same way early in our marriage). Not a point of contention at all, but yeah -- sometimes we just do different things and that's ok. My challenge is now that I work at home a lot, I feel a little hemmed in (So I go to the office more, not that I have to but it's a nice change).

Anyways I digress.. I would offer my 2 cents worth:

1. Use the groupon, don't tell her you don't like the idea. Call the range and ask about what's expected, and go with whomever suggested maybe taking (and paying for) a 30 minute prep course/rundown before you book it with the wife to shoot (since you said it's a date night thing, I'm assuming she's there). Why? Because she put thought into it.. I just got back from a business trip where I spent a lot of time buying my wife something nice from Tiffany's which she promptly returned and got something else -- that sucked. I'm usually totally ok with returns (and she didn't do it to be mean, see earlier reference to me going with the flow) -- but seriously, fuck that. Anyways go, and if you truly didn't like the experience position it as "Well that was something I had never thought about doing.. Scratch it off the bucket list!" (i.e. one and done, it was fun but not something to keep spending money/time on).

2. You live in/near Dallas right? Looking for good food options? It's pricey, but I have very fond memories of going to Nick & Sam's in DFW for a couple of dinners. If you don't drink it won't be as bad, and your wife likes wine -- and jesus what a wine list there! On the other end of the scale, if I ever got my family down to DFW I would make a straight drive from the airport to Hard Eight BBQ.

3. You should step up and try to book/do something that YOU book -- I've tried to get my wife interested in going to Nashville for a weekend (she's into it, but it's never a 'good' time) -- as well as to commit to travelling for a week or two in Vietnam, Thailand, Cambodia, wherever. Again the years are starting to slide by, but I'm determined to find something we can do together (probably western or maybe eastern europe) -- and I'm going to start booking solo trips to hit the places I want to see.

Anyways I think everyone in their 40s ends up at this point to some degree, especially as kids get older (10 and almost 14) and need less hands on parenting.
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Post by The Meal »

MHS wrote: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:53 pm I don’t really get the concept of date nights. It just seems like a plan to spend money. Maybe because we don’t have kids in the house? We just hang out together, sometimes doing the same things (poker, board games, hot tub with drinks, watching TV), sometimes doing different things (reading, different tablet or computer games.) If one of us suggests a movie or wants to go out to eat, we’ll go but it’s not something we plan around, and I don’t think we really did even when Kayla was younger. It feels like too much effort to plan a whole evening and build expectations around some event. Half the reason for getting married is so you don’t have to keep dating, isn’t it? :? (My apologies to my husband if you’re secretly wishing I was more romantic and into date nights; here’s a great opportunity to clue me in if I’ve been letting you down all these years.)
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by coopasonic »

msduncan wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:34 am The wife and I dress up like Star Wars characters together. I guess that’s not much help.
Hmm, can you get a Chewbacca costume for a 4'11" woman? :D
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Isgrimnur »

They’re called Ewoks.

Besides, you need a more DC-oriented option.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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We're dropping the kids off at a neighbors at 4:00 this afternoon, and we'll have 4 hours of uninterrupted time. I'm planning to finally get around to doing the taxes while Mrs. Skinypupy will be putting together Little B 10.0's new bunk bed from Ikea. We know from experience that these are both activities that can only be done solo.

Who said romance isn't dead? :wub:
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by coopasonic »

Isgrimnur wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:29 pm They’re called Ewoks.

Besides, you need a more DC-oriented option.
She has Batgirl and Supergirl costumes to fill that uhhh... need, but I'll tell you, there are some things the batsuit is just not built for.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by em2nought »

coopasonic wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:49 pm
Isgrimnur wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:29 pm They’re called Ewoks.

Besides, you need a more DC-oriented option.
She has Batgirl and Supergirl costumes to fill that uhhh... need, but I'll tell you, there are some things the batsuit is just not built for.
The Harley Quinn costume might be. :wink: & nod
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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msduncan wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:34 am The wife and I dress up like Star Wars characters together. I guess that’s not much help.
It would be if this is one of the characters. :wink:
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Skinypupy wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:58 pm We're dropping the kids off at a neighbors at 4:00 this afternoon, and we'll have 4 hours of uninterrupted time. I'm planning to finally get around to doing the taxes while Mrs. Skinypupy will be putting together Little B 10.0's new bunk bed from Ikea. We know from experience that these are both activities that can only be done solo.

Who said romance isn't dead? :wub:
My wife and I once went and bought kitchen appliances on a date night. Wild and crazy, I know. :)

But it's usually dinner/drinks sans kids. We were talking about planning a couple of them, right before I got to this thread. I think for us, we're constantly hampered with shuttling the kids to activities all week long, this is a chance to set aside time for us to relax and enjoy each other's company. That's all. The dinner out part is usually just our fondness for getting out to some local restaurants that the kids don't like. But regardless of what we do, it's never a pressure/expectation thing.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

Skinypupy wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:58 pm We're dropping the kids off at a neighbors at 4:00 this afternoon, and we'll have 4 hours of uninterrupted time. I'm planning to finally get around to doing the taxes while Mrs. Skinypupy will be putting together Little B 10.0's new bunk bed from Ikea. We know from experience that these are both activities that can only be done solo.

Who said romance isn't dead? :wub:
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Smoove_B »

MHS wrote: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:53 pm I don’t really get the concept of date nights. It just seems like a plan to spend money.

...

Half the reason for getting married is so you don’t have to keep dating, isn’t it?
Can you like...write a book? Maybe get on Oprah or something to talk about it?
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

MHS wrote: Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:53 pm I don’t really get the concept of date nights.
It's pretty much a figure of speech that mostly applies to couples shackled with small children. Pulling one off requires some logistics planning and is often a rare enough occasion that one does not leave anything to chance. The added cost in manufacturing a date night also contributes to it's rareness.

I'd say it also applies to couples who are stuck in a rut. Again, inability to be spontaneous is an issue, perhaps due to apathy or other lack of inertia. In both cases, you're looking for the same outcome - a memorable evening that stands out from the routine.

Our last thing close to a date night was more than a month ago when we dropped the kids with some friends then got our taxes done. We went for dinner afterward. When we go for dinner without the kids, my wife is usually pining for them. When we do take the out with us for dinner, it's usually impossible for us to enjoy the food. It's one of the reasons date nights are usually talked about far more often than they occur.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Zarathud »

Furniture shopping. Whee!
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

Zarathud wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:50 pm Furniture shopping. Whee!
So you're the one who swiped my date book! (a trip to Ikea is in the offing...)
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

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Zarathud wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:50 pm Furniture shopping. Whee!
Shopping was never any fun. My tolerance for looking for things is very low. My sense for form beyond function, non existent. I can see yard sale-ing to look for something you weren't expecting but at a store for anything. Nope. In the day of the Internet, I want what I wan to see on the first page of my search and then I want to go to brick and mortar store to make sure it's what I expect it to be.

OtOH, I took a chance with Amazon's pants. They fit great. I may end up moving over to an Amazon wardrobe if these pants turn out to be durable. One less thing to shop for ever again.
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

LordMortis wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 4:50 pm
Zarathud wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:50 pm Furniture shopping. Whee!
Shopping was never any fun. My tolerance for looking for things is very low. My sense for form beyond function, non existent. I can see yard sale-ing to look for something you weren't expecting but at a store for anything. Nope. In the day of the Internet, I want what I wan to see on the first page of my search and then I want to go to brick and mortar store to make sure it's what I expect it to be.

OtOH, I took a chance with Amazon's pants. They fit great. I may end up moving over to an Amazon wardrobe if these pants turn out to be durable. One less thing to shop for ever again.
Wife just texted me that she's at the mall now and invited me to join her after work. Then she said the magic words: "Hooters for dinner." :wub:
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Post by coopasonic »

Jeff V wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 4:54 pm Wife just texted me that she's at the mall now and invited me to join her after work. Then she said the magic words: "Hooters for dinner." :wub:
All the shit you complain about and you are giving Hooters a :wub: ?
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by noxiousdog »

FishPants wrote: Sat Mar 23, 2019 10:13 am I think it's pretty normal to try and rediscover how the hell you ended up together after all those years.
I think that's a good place to start. Why did you keep dating this woman? How did you romance each other then? Those are an entry into what you should be doing now.

Another option is to try and do things with more people. Unicornpoint struggles with date nights mightily as well. Having to carry 50% of a conversation for hours just isn't her thing. So, we found ways to still be with each other, but include more people like poker games or Ren Faires. She likes to go watch sports as long as I am bringing other friends along so she can tune out on her phone while I talk. She likes being there and I like her being there; we are still doing it together, but it doesn't have to be us alone.

When it's a getaway vacation, we cater it accordingly. Nature and relaxation. Audio books while we drive. I may fish or stargaze, but we get time together and I don't have to go 500mph ALL the time. (just most of it)

In this case, you might be the one with the limited repertoire but you might find she appreciates your company even if you can't be the 100% focus.
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coopasonic wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:41 pm
Jeff V wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 4:54 pm Wife just texted me that she's at the mall now and invited me to join her after work. Then she said the magic words: "Hooters for dinner." :wub:
All the shit you complain about and you are giving Hooters a :wub: ?
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Zarathud »

I think JeffV's motivations are clear on this issue.
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GreenGoo
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by GreenGoo »

He's never hidden who he is...
...unless he has a head collection in the basement. Then he has very much hidden who he is.
Jeff V
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Re: Date Night - WTF do (married) people do?

Post by Jeff V »

geezer wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:33 pm
coopasonic wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:41 pm
Jeff V wrote: Mon Mar 25, 2019 4:54 pm Wife just texted me that she's at the mall now and invited me to join her after work. Then she said the magic words: "Hooters for dinner." :wub:
All the shit you complain about and you are giving Hooters a :wub: ?
:clap:
? I've always loved their buffalo shrimp. Wife likes their wings and snow crab. Kids like the Mac and Cheese. I can get Elysian Space Dust served in 22 oz shot glasses.

Having been to several dozen locations around the country, I will say they are not all consistent. You can usually tell the difference between the franchised locations and the corporate owned (the former tend to cut corners and is a crappier experience).
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