Might be stepping away from life a bit

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:28 pm

Not suicide..that would be easy. Just a lot stressing me out and I think Im going to step back. Change stuff up. Unfortunately I wont have any money to actually do anything.

Not going into it all or in depth. But Ive gotten rid of everything I can bill wise and its not enough. I refuse to start selling me and my late wife's material history together. You guys were amazing when she had to go to the hospital and afterwards. Wish it had turned out different. Thank you for helping.

But I have been working through my bankruptcy lawyer to lower my home payments. They have been $447 a month. Me alone that makes having anything left impossible. So Ive skipped payments per my lawyer advice and saved what I could...which wasn't much. Since Jan Ive saved about $700. The loan place finally approved a loan modification but its a horrible one. Admittedly I didn't understand interest and such. I thought if could lower the payment at least by $100 a month I could swing the extra year. Well the interest F'd that all up. Instead of my normal $447 for 5 more years and done...I owe only $25,000. They lowered it by $100 but wanted to extend it another 7 years past that 5 years...so 12 more years. Thats an extra $40,000 on top of the $25,000 I owe. Plus it only adds $100 a month to live on...Id rather have nothing for 5 years than $100 for 13 years. Id be 62.

Anyways as is I need to make a double payment to catch me up. They are offering to waive the other I owe. Its like a fresh start. If I pay then I just pay my normal payment each month and in 5 years Im done. Trouble is the normal $447 + my bills which average $419 means Ill pay $866 a month from my $968 SSD check. BUT I also have to pay $100 a month bankruptcy. SO thats $966 from $968 a month leaving me a $2 bill to live on...gas, toilet paper, extra food. I get $57 in food stamps and 1 free bag of crap food from the local helping place.

I had planned to get by best I can on that $700 in bank that I now have to use $450 of combined with the other $450 when my check comes on the 3rd to make a double first payment. I will have my bankruptcy paid off in about 7 payments. I had hoped to skrimp by. Now I dont know.

So anyways Im going to TRY to step back and do nothing much. Ill be on Steam of course trying to pass time as the walls get boring quick. May or may not be around OO for a bit..not sure. The rest of my life is on hold. Not like I was living anyways.

The worst part is the loan was for $38,000. In 10 years we've paid about $50,000 with $25,000 more to go. I think the entire home is worth about $64,000 not including land. And we would have paid it off a lot easier when D was still alive. We had already gave up so much and had or done nothing. Had no Xmas and if not for some online friends would have had no Thanksgiving. Im tired of everything. Cant get a breath these days in the world. I am SUPER stressed out these days. I dont sleep and Im sick a lot.

Ok whine off. Peace out. Knowing me Ill be back soon. Aint like Im busy.

LordMortis · Post by **LordMortis** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:43 pm

Be well. May things get better.

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:51 pm

At least you don't have a cat stuck in the wall.

Jaymon · Post by **Jaymon** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:09 pm

Good for you on getting the loan restructured.
And, I applaud you for taking a break, you have serious issues going on, and its affected your mental health. you need a break. I know you can't go anywhere, but I sure hope you can get some rest.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:11 pm

Stop sabotaging yourse...

Oh, sorry. Keyboard was stuck. Get healthy.

Jaymann · Post by **Jaymann** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:18 pm

Did you check out the work from home companies?

Rumpy · Post by **Rumpy** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:04 pm

We'll miss you when you're not around, Dae. But take the time you need, and we'll always be here.

LawBeefaroni · Post by **LawBeefaroni** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:13 pm

Daehawk wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:28 pm I am SUPER stressed out these days. I dont sleep and Im sick a lot.

Get into a routine. Set your alarm early, get out of bed, do stuff. Go to bed on time (early), no screens for an hour before bed. This will only help your sleep problem but you'd be surprised how it affects everything else.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:05 pm

Jaymann wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:18 pm Did you check out the work from home companies?

Found nothing local. Signed up and got into the Amazon Turk thing. Will give it a go while Im not doing anything else it seems .

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:35 pm

LawBeefaroni wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:13 pm Get into a routine. Set your alarm early, get out of bed, do stuff. Go to bed on time (early), no screens for an hour before bed. This will only help your sleep problem but you'd be surprised how it affects everything else.

Been saying this for years. Nothing wrong with a structured existence - embrace and find comfort in structure - particularly if it involves "unplugging" yourself every night to be able to get to sleep.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 6:57 pm

Daehawk wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:05 pm
Jaymann wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:18 pm Did you check out the work from home companies?
Found nothing local. Signed up and got into the Amazon Turk thing. Will give it a go while Im not doing anything else it seems .

Let us know how that works out. If you're already spending a lot of time at your computer anyway, spending 10-15 hours a week on microjobs ought to fill your financial hole without changing your lifestyle.

em2nought · Post by **em2nought** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:07 pm

Kraken wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 6:57 pm
Daehawk wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:05 pm
Jaymann wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 1:18 pm Did you check out the work from home companies?
Found nothing local. Signed up and got into the Amazon Turk thing. Will give it a go while Im not doing anything else it seems .
Let us know how that works out. If you're already spending a lot of time at your computer anyway, spending 10-15 hours a week on microjobs ought to fill your financial hole without changing your lifestyle.

Yeah, it really sounds worth trying. I seem to remember getting $20 per month way back when in dial up days just to let a company track my surfing. I guess it's still kind of a thing https://www.thesimpledollar.com/x-compa ... -internet/

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:13 pm

Daehawk, the best quick advice I can give is to find some kind of physical exercise and dedicate yourself to it every day.

It doesn't have to be heavy, and it doesn't have to be long, but I promise that an exercise routine will help your soul. You'll feel better, you'll see yourself as worthy of improvement, and you'll prove that you can do it. Discipline (applied moderately) is very good for people.

em2nought · Post by **em2nought** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:41 pm

Holman wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:13 pm Daehawk, the best quick advice I can give is to find some kind of physical exercise and dedicate yourself to it every day.

That's good advice. I particularly like to push a lawnmower for instance. I get that sweaty physical exercise, and I get to see a job that actually gets completed and looks good as a bonus. I can get in a rut of not caring about being productive, but, weirdly, mowing grass usually brings me back on track.

Jeff V · Post by **Jeff V** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:09 pm

em2nought wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:41 pm
Holman wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:13 pm Daehawk, the best quick advice I can give is to find some kind of physical exercise and dedicate yourself to it every day.
That's good advice. I particularly like to push a lawnmower for instance. I get that sweaty physical exercise, and I get to see a job that actually gets completed and looks good as a bonus. I can get in a rut of not caring about being productive, but, weirdly, mowing grass usually brings me back on track.

I have a lot of grass. You're welcome to come over and work out anytime.

Zenn7 · Post by **Zenn7** » Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:44 pm

Jeff V wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:09 pm
em2nought wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:41 pm
Holman wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 7:13 pm Daehawk, the best quick advice I can give is to find some kind of physical exercise and dedicate yourself to it every day.
That's good advice. I particularly like to push a lawnmower for instance. I get that sweaty physical exercise, and I get to see a job that actually gets completed and looks good as a bonus. I can get in a rut of not caring about being productive, but, weirdly, mowing grass usually brings me back on track.
I have a lot of grass. You're welcome to come over and work out anytime.

I don't have nearly as much grass as Jeff I'm guessing, but lawn mowing is my least favorite routine chore, so when you're done at Jeff's, come on over.

*****************

Daehawk - also interested in how the Amazon turk thing works out for you. We got invited to a Google tracking thing, download some software from google on all your devices (sounded like Nielsen TV ratings except for internet tracking). Was something like $40 for each adult that signed up and ongoing $40/month each or something like that. Almost signed up for it, but wasn't sure if it would be a problem with my job.

On the original topic though - don't go completely away. You don't sound like you have much offline human interaction. You don't want to completely cut yourself off. Take time to get better just don't go lock yourself away in your own little world. At least pop up once in a blue moon and say hi, let us know you're still around and kicking.

Kraken · Post by **Kraken** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 1:11 am

Zenn7 wrote: ↑Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:44 pm On the original topic though - don't go completely away. You don't sound like you have much offline human interaction. You don't want to completely cut yourself off. Take time to get better just don't go lock yourself away in your own little world. At least pop up once in a blue moon and say hi, let us know you're still around and kicking.

Yes, please. We worry. We're a bunch of old ladies.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 5:44 pm

I went all day today doing my stepping away. It felt instantly emptier.....lonelier. And all I did was avoid the internet. I hopped on to check the news and Twitch and spotted the Rutger death and came to see if it was posted and felt better. I cant even step away right it seems. Ill keep trying different things...and less net...but basically its all I got. There is no one around me in real life now. Was just us. Im worried the neighbors will think Im crazy talking to my dog. lol. I also talk to my wife as it were by telling her about the day or Buster our dog and such. Im sure she knows but it helps me so who cares.

naednek · Post by **naednek** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:45 pm

Did you ever go out to get any emotional help? Seems like you need it. Sorry your're going through this.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:21 pm

Not yet. I keep considering it. Just no point Im feeling. Its a stranger. They dont know me. I refuse medications. SO I can talk to my dog or Heaven or myself and get the same amount of help. Im sure Im a little wrong on that but not far off. But still might some day. My emotions changed over these 6 months. But Im to a point where its day in day out not changing. Not worse but not better. Seems to just be the new life I have from now on. Ill have to deal with it. If not then I will go.

Being sad the time of year is changing or the weather or crying over places we went or things we did....just normal. Im not thinking of jumping off a building or killing people lol. Im just sad and alone , not a nut job.

Blackhawk · Post by **Blackhawk** » Wed Jul 24, 2019 9:29 pm

Daehawk wrote: ↑Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:21 pm Not yet. I keep considering it. Just no point Im feeling. Its a stranger. They dont know me.

There was a day when your wife was a stranger who didn't know you. Then she got to know you, and she wasn't a stranger.

Daehawk wrote: ↑Wed Jul 24, 2019 8:21 pm SO I can talk to my dog or Heaven or myself and get the same amount of help. Im sure Im a little wrong on that but not far off.

You are right that you are wrong, and you are wrong that you're not far off. If you're having a computer problem and talk to a PC tech, they'll be able to give you better answers than your dog or Heaven or yourself.

If you talk to an expert at helping people understand their problems, an expert at directing them to solutions, then you'll also get better answers, too.

The end to the way you're feeling is out there. You just need to choose it.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:45 am

Not yet. I keep considering it. Just no point Im feeling. Its a stranger. They dont know me.

There was a day when your wife was a stranger who didn't know you. Then she got to know you, and she wasn't a stranger.

Im not going through the dinner and stuffed animal stuff again

But I dont want to get started on the talk stuff again. Just wanted to say how I was stepping away from some stuff in life. Seems more about cutting back than a full walk away. Tomorrow I get up extra early to do some mowing and weedeating. Then Im off to the farmers market. Donna and me loved fresh tomatoes. Store bought are just unedible. We went some over the years but the last couple years we would forget then we'd have no money then we'd be feeling bad then we'd forget again and by then the season was over. Ive almost let it slip by again. We said we'd go for sure this year and Im going to try to house and money stuff aside I can afford $5 tomatoes just once.

The Meal · Post by **The Meal** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:31 pm

151,600

That's how many people die every day. 105 every minute.

You think you know how to cope with the death of a spouse better than professionals? Some big brass balls on Daehawk.

If you need help, go get help. If you think you don't need help, then WTF is this thread doing here?!? Or the other thread. Or the other other thread?

Stop justifying not getting help and just pick up the phone and get this shit moving forward. You. Need. Help.

Go do it.

Grifman · Post by **Grifman** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:31 pm

So you say you have only 7 payments left to pay off your bankruptcy for which you are making payments of $100/month. Is that correct? How much do you owe in total?

Anonymous Bosch · Post by **Anonymous Bosch** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:36 pm

The Meal wrote: ↑Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:31 pm 151,600

That's how many people die every day. 105 every minute.

You think you know how to cope with the death of a spouse better than professionals? Some big brass balls on Daehawk.

If you need help, go get help. If you think you don't need help, then WTF is this thread doing here?!? Or the other thread. Or the other other thread?

Stop justifying not getting help and just pick up the phone and get this shit moving forward. You. Need. Help.

Go do it.

Amen.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:37 pm

The Meal wrote: ↑Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:31 pmGo do it.

Correctamundo. Hanging out on OO isn't a source of strife. Trying to process unimaginable loss of a spouse and pending homelessness isn't going to be fixed by keeping a new pet or not posting on a website. Ignore the bigger issues if you want, but I don't think that strategy has been working out.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:43 pm

So you say you have only 7 payments left to pay off your bankruptcy for which you are making payments of $100/month. Is that correct? How much do you owe in total?

My BR lawyer called me to check to see what I have decided and I asked them that. Seems theres 2 more than I thought. I owe 'almost' $900. Not quite. They also suggested that after I pay that off and Im in good standing I should REALLY look into online places for refinancing. Even with the new fees I should come out cheaper. They said with a much lower interest than my 11.6% I could have much smaller payments and still pay the same amount back in 5 or 10 years. Would make life easier. Have some options open to me . They said I could simply drop bankruptcy . I said NO WAY. After me and my wife gave up so much to pay off our bills and not get out of them Im not dropping it $900 from the finish line. We paid $670 a month since 2015..$447 of that was house loan of course.

Once paid Im free and clear of all bills and up to date ...a fresh start. This is something me and Donna looked SO forward to. Having something. Makes me sick she is not here to share in it when its done.

stessier · Post by **stessier** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:54 pm

The interest rate on your house is 11.6%???

TheMix · Post by **TheMix** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:32 pm

stessier wrote: ↑Thu Jul 25, 2019 1:54 pm The interest rate on your house is 11.6%???

Yeah. I literally said "Holy F@#$" out loud. Good thing I work from home. That is a ridiculous rate.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:46 pm

Yes its killed us since we got it. They dont give good rates to poor risky folk. Im told the average is 4%. This was through Citifinancial in 2009. 15 year.Do what you have to. Knowing how great my wife was at everything and how she handled what cash we had I know she did her best and this was the best she could do then. Its why my BR lawyer keeps telling me refinance. I kept telling them that would add thousands more again plus if someone is sent out to inspect the house they could find a lot wrong. Its not condemable but its not the best. My wife worried and worried back in 2011 over someone returning after that first inspection. We did so much work to fix things up. Much has changed since then.

Lawyer says a lot of places dont even bother to send people out. I have no idea what companies those are lol. As long as the house outlast us is what we used to say. Now outlast me.

Alefroth · Post by **Alefroth** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:50 pm

Refinancing will likely require an appraisal, wouldn't it? That might not work in your favor.

edit: Posting while you were posting.

stessier · Post by **stessier** » Thu Jul 25, 2019 3:17 pm

Daehawk wrote: ↑Thu Jul 25, 2019 2:46 pm Yes its killed us since we got it. They dont give good rates to poor risky folk.

Poor, risky folk should not be trying to own a house. You should not be in the house. You can't afford it or the upkeep. You physically can't do the upkeep to the point that it's causing you further physical pain. The payments are preventing you from eating. This is one more anchor around your neck. You could sell it, pay off the bankruptcy, and still have money left over for months, if not years, worth of rent in an apartment better suited to your needs.

I know what your response is going to be, but maybe someday you'll look back on this and you'll be ready to make the move.

Also, an appraisal is not the same as an inspection by the county. They won't condemn the place. Unlikely, with what you've said, that they'll give you a new loan though. And it costs money to have them do one - a couple hundred the last time I had it done.

Grifman · Post by **Grifman** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:12 am

Daehawk, please check your PMs.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:00 am

I ran into a bit of luck yesterday in town. I bumped into a worker from the local services place that me and my wife used each year. Sometimes we'd get some food but we always signed up and received heating help in winter from them....kerosene or electric bill help. Last year was electric. They paid $300. So had 2 bills taken care of. Anyways she said they have money left over they need to distribute or they get less this winter to help with and told me to call her. I can sign up for more electrical help then sign up again as normal at the end of the year. Awesome! Hope she is right and it doesn't mess up this winter for me.

edit...sorry just saw the post Grif Ill go look.

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:23 am

I didn't feel I should start yet another thread and this one is where my posts have been going so.....

Some actual great news concerning my bankruptcy. After working on paying it nearly 5 years me and my wife were getting close to done as you know. Due to some things they've been helping with and redoing the whole thing it added a bit to the amount and time. So there was about 9 months left on it. I did say 'was' there .

A fellow OO'r of all of us has generously sent me the total final amount so I can be able to pay it off in the coming days. Thats right....thanks to them I will be out of BR in less than 2 weeks. After 5 years it seems strange to be able to say that but very welcome.

I wont say who it is as they would like their privacy so please dont ask or speculate on here. Just know that OO is amazing as you already knew and a big burden will soon be lifted from my world thanks to this person and their kindness.

To them thank you seems so small a thing to say but thank you.

Jaymann · Post by **Jaymann** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:18 pm

Great, now you can afford to binge on jalapeno taters!

Zenn7 · Post by **Zenn7** » Sun Aug 04, 2019 5:31 pm

OO generosity always amazes me. Just a cool thing really. Thank you to the secret donor - makes for a nice change to read a good story.

Daehawk - have to agree with the others, you should seek some help with your grief. Might not seem like they can help or do anything for you, but that's more likely you are not thinking clearly because of all the things going on in your life.

Glad to see you didn't just leave us and wonder off though. Least we know you're still kicking this way!

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:02 pm

Figures. I called both my home loan place and my BR lawyer at 9am this morning. Loan place I left a msg and the BR place said they'd call me back. Neither called. I recalled the loan place at 3 and left another msg. Nothing yet and its 4pm.

I HAVE to get my home loan payment in before the 8th or its ANOTHER payment thats late. Also my BR said they only take full payments in the first few days of the month each month and it being the 5th I may have missed the chance this month....which seems both silly that its done that way and silly that I may have missed my chance and its only the 5th . But they didn't call me back...sigh. Always.....stuff is ALWAYS tougher than it should be or needs to be.

Tomorrow is another day...unfortunately.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:15 pm

I don't understand why you're calling them to provide payments. Are you not able to mail a check or money order? Why is a phone involved? It's in their best interest (no pun intended) to dodge your call. Why give them that option?

Daehawk · Post by **Daehawk** » Mon Aug 05, 2019 4:37 pm

Because I haven't paid it in months and I need to make a double payment . Plus its asking for the amount from the loan mod which Im refusing so I must speak with someone human to straighten it all out and make sure it goes right. From then on its auto withdrawal