For years now I've been worried about the state of the nation and about the impact that climate change will have on my kids lives. Money's always been an issue for me, too. But the last six months have been different.
In the last six months:
I've watched the country from 'in trouble' to overtly fascist and violently divided while watching the election being openly rigged without reprisal.
I've watched climate change go from an eventual problem to a disaster film cliche.
I've watched a pandemic sweep the world and led a life in quarantine, while watching those in local power force my family to act as if the danger doesn't exist.
I've seen my finances tanked and am back to struggling to get by in a way that I haven't in years.
I've lost every real-life friend I have that isn't a state away due to red-state politics.
And with the loss of those friends, I've lost most of my biggest hobbies - RPGs and non-solo board games - either long term or permanently.
My kids have reached the age that they're no longer interested in family activities, leaving me even more cut off from my hobbies and interests.
I've lost the pet that I was closer to than any pet I've ever had.
I've been dealing with [won't discuss on the internet, but it's a biggie.]
[Second private biggie]
I'm a person that can generally only really relax when I have solitude, but with my eldest now out of school and unable to work, I haven't had space to myself in six months.
I've got absolutely no real-life people that know me that I can discuss things with to get clarity. I can bounce things off of all of you (which I appreciate), but without knowing me, it's a half-measure.
I've gotten irritable. My anxiety is up. My depression, which I've had under control for a decade, is flaring up again to the point that I'm having trouble enjoying any of the things I have left. I'm trying to deal with being miserable without dragging my family down with me, and I am failing.
I think it's about time that I see if I can get into a therapist again, but I'm dreading that. I only have one place locally, and they generally only have one person on staff for medicare patients. That means I have a choice of exactly one person, and the chances of that person having experience dealing with adults with autism is roughly zero. That means another well-meaning therapist pushing treatments and solutions on me that aren't even remotely suitable (my last therapist put me in group therapy for women with Borderline Personality Disorder because she couldn't figure out what else to do), but what other option do I have? Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.
But I can't keep going like I have been. I guess it is time to spin the wheel and see who they assign me to this time.