Octopus Overlords

Jeff V wrote: ↑Mon Jul 13, 2020 8:09 am

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:29 am Indiana fishing is... blech.

Really? You know, this a pretty big annual thing in Indiana. Especially if you like fly fishing and salmon.

There's a big difference between grabbing a pole on a free day and a trip that would require overnight accommodations. The latter might be an annual event, which is a poor option for a hobby.

Around here there are crappie, smallmouth bass, catfish, and carp. There is one lake that stocks trout, but when I say 'lake' I mean that a strong cast will hit the opposite bank, and it is usually crowded and over-fished.

I never bother with trout ponds anyway, they are always farm raised and you catch them with a piece of corn on a bobber.

Smallmouth fishing is awesome, though, especially on ultralight tackle.

I'd get out more often if my son showed any interested at all. As it stands, keeping the kids and wife's poles in the water is a full time job and I don't have time do any real fishing myself. I now live within a mile of the Fox River and last week saw a dude pull a 22" largemouth out of one of the ponds in my subdivision (about 100 yards from my front door).

Well Im pretty much done repairing and touching up the house for that new insurance adjuster / inspector to show up. It rained this morn or Id have the painting part done. Its next. Nothing major. Few spots and windows edges. There one side of the house the entire eave needs painting.

The only other chores Ive set for myself is kitchen faucet replacement and getting some old window stickers off the car. got some Goo Gone ready for that.

This hit really close to home.

With the lockdown, I've been maintaining 'the act' non-stop for months. I do it with the kids in order to be a parent, to make sure that they're getting their 'anything' time, that they're not getting too much 'anything' time, that they're not giving up on themselves or losing what they would normally get from school. I do it with Michelle in order to be there for her in what is already as stressful time for her (she's working full time doing physical labor with a broken knee.) I do it with friends when gaming in order to not come across as a complete asshole. And I think it is starting to slip. It isn't working anymore. For the last couple of months I have been failing to meet anyone's needs, my own included.

But there is no time and place that I can let down my guard and just be me. The only place I have is in a room full of people, full of noise, and full of light. There is no longer time and space for me to be me, and it has totally exhausted me. It's made me stressed, it's made me angry, it's made me frustrated, and it has made me snappy.

I need to be able to stop pretending to be a normal person and be able to be myself from time to time, and 'take 30 minutes here and there' doesn't work - that doesn't even give me time to get 'the act' taken down. I don't need a breather, I need to let go and be me. That takes isolation, and it takes time, and it needs to be in my own space. And that just isn't possible anymore, for which everyone is now paying the price.

I treasure my morning walks in part because I start every day, weather willing, with an hour of me-time, plugged into my music and patrolling my route. If you can do that, it's a great way to center yourself for the day ahead.

Kraken wrote: ↑Sat Jul 25, 2020 12:49 am I treasure my morning walks in part because I start every day, weather willing, with an hour of me-time, plugged into my music and patrolling my route. If you can do that, it's a great way to center yourself for the day ahead.

For me to get that break, I need to be autistic for a while. That means that I need to have time when I don't have to be burying my real personality and drives in order to be ready to function around others, and it means that I need to have 'my' space (IE - my stuff, my house) for a few hours at least a couple of times per week. That won't be happening anytime soon.

I dream of the day that everyone stops depending on me for everything. I don't even dare to ask anything of anyone for fear of how much more they would ask of me in return.

Screaming as loud as I can three times seems to help a little. The fist in the middle of my chest feels different afterwards at least.

<checks>

Nope, still not sane and barely coping.

Kelric wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 12:38 am <checks>

Nope, still not sane and barely coping.

Try growing tomatoes.

Alcohol.

Ran out of alcohol. Can't afford more.

I am very proud to say that as of last week Friday I achieved the goal of spending my ENTIRE stimulus check of Trumpbuck$ on marijuana. Really stinky strong marijuana.

It took a few months but I did it!

I've just now recovered my voice from that screaming bout. It was more business related, less 2020 related though.

Z-Corn wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 12:24 pm I am very proud to say that as of last week Friday I achieved the goal of spending my ENTIRE stimulus check of Trumpbuck$ on marijuana. Really stinky strong marijuana.

It took a few months but I did it!

Congrats!

Kraken wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 1:15 am

Kelric wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 12:38 am <checks>

Nope, still not sane and barely coping.

Try growing tomatoes.

Fighting words!

I've been nurturing a soup plant out back. I think it's vegetable beef.

Kelric wrote: ↑Sun Aug 16, 2020 8:36 pm

Kraken wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 1:15 am

Kelric wrote: ↑Sat Aug 15, 2020 12:38 am <checks>

Nope, still not sane and barely coping.

Try growing tomatoes.

Fighting words!

Mostly I've been doing a lot of work on a hobby project and finally went ahead and started GMing again (remotely), between dragging my kids outside as much as possible. The fact that I'm still employed and get to work remotely (saving ~60-90 minutes a day of commuting) helps a lot, and I actually get more work done because people can't just randomly walk up to my desk and interrupt me with "urgent" requests or questions. And I can play video games or get actual work done during useless meetings. I've also drastically cut my intake of news and social media, since it's basically the same depressing crap every damn day. There's only so many times a man can read about how "unrestrained free market capitalism solves all problems", "i don't want to wear masks in a crowded store because I'm a goddamned selfish moron" and "the world is melting", before that "information" ceases to have value. And making fun of conservative "thought" isn't really that funny either, because it's got the difficulty level of kicking a paralyzed guy in a wheelchair.

Other than that, well, a mixture of resigned sadness and fatalism works pretty well for me. I probably won't make it to the proper end of civilization, but my kids will have to deal with it, which sucks for them. Sorry, girls. I'm sure they'll do fine killing people for canned beans/dog food, though.

We take our cat out for walks on a leash around the yard (sometimes together, usually solo). Because he's recovering from a near-death experience, watching him run (to the extent that we can keep up) and climb trees (as far as the leash allows) is really heartening. And because we're both home all day, every day, he gets 2-3 walks a day. If we can't let him run free, we can at least get him out of the house. Yesterday he nearly caught his first mouse. I was so proud.

I realize I'm considered insane, and I don't care. This is the key to staying sane in 2020.

Kraken wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 12:31 am We take our cat out for walks on a leash around the yard (sometimes together, usually solo). Because he's recovering from a near-death experience, watching him run (to the extent that we can keep up) and climb trees (as far as the leash allows) is really heartening. And because we're both home all day, every day, he gets 2-3 walks a day. If we can't let him run free, we can at least get him out of the house. Yesterday he nearly caught his first mouse. I was so proud.

I realize I'm considered insane, and I don't care. This is the key to staying sane in 2020.

Not insane at all.

The last few weeks I've been gaming. Not gaming, gaming. Tunnel vision, forget-the-world gaming. I haven't been painting, or board gaming, or watching much TV, or reading much. Just gaming.

I should probably stop soon. It's not a good thing for my mind or my body.

I find I'm watching YouTube a lot more. I watch a lot of gaming videos, especially how to type videos.
But then they have all these "recommendations" that starts me on a long spiral downward trend.The other day it led me to a comic who replies to spam who was really funny.

Not.

dbt1949 wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 5:17 am especially how to type videos.

Looking for a new career as an administrative assistant?

Kraken wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 12:31 am We take our cat out for walks on a leash around the yard (sometimes together, usually solo). Because he's recovering from a near-death experience, watching him run (to the extent that we can keep up) and climb trees (as far as the leash allows) is really heartening. And because we're both home all day, every day, he gets 2-3 walks a day. If we can't let him run free, we can at least get him out of the house. Yesterday he nearly caught his first mouse. I was so proud.

I realize I'm considered insane, and I don't care. This is the key to staying sane in 2020.

We do that with our cat. He has been leash trained for many years now. We don't even have to hold onto it anymore, but we do keep an eye on him in case a neighbors cat should be in the bushes. But he wonders the yard, has his on little path he walks, nibbles on grass etc.

Scuzz wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 4:32 pm

Kraken wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 12:31 am We take our cat out for walks on a leash around the yard (sometimes together, usually solo). Because he's recovering from a near-death experience, watching him run (to the extent that we can keep up) and climb trees (as far as the leash allows) is really heartening. And because we're both home all day, every day, he gets 2-3 walks a day. If we can't let him run free, we can at least get him out of the house. Yesterday he nearly caught his first mouse. I was so proud.

I realize I'm considered insane, and I don't care. This is the key to staying sane in 2020.

We do that with our cat. He has been leash trained for many years now. We don't even have to hold onto it anymore, but we do keep an eye on him in case a neighbors cat should be in the bushes. But he wonders the yard, has his on little path he walks, nibbles on grass etc.

I'd like to let go of the leash so that Warren can run more than a few feet without getting yanked, but I know he'll wrap it around a bush or get too high in a tree. Maybe when he gets a little older and calmer. He's slipped out the door a couple of times and he goes like lightning. He can be on the other side of the neighbors' yard before I'm down the first step of our porch. Fortunately, he's good about letting himself be captured.

We had a second cat we would do this with but you had to keep a hand on the leash and a close eye on her surroundings. She also could get out of the harness if she really wanted to.

Kraken wrote: ↑Mon Aug 17, 2020 5:00 pm

I'd like to let go of the leash so that Warren can run more than a few feet without getting yanked,

I completely forgot which thread I was in for a second there.

I did the clichéd thing and bought a Nordictrack home treadmill. And . . . I actually like it a lot. It came with a year of iFit (which I guess is sort of like Peloton?) and I'll be damned, but I'm on hike six of seven going up Mt. Fuji. I've also just started a 30 part learn to run series.

For years now I've been worried about the state of the nation and about the impact that climate change will have on my kids lives. Money's always been an issue for me, too. But the last six months have been different.

In the last six months:

I've watched the country from 'in trouble' to overtly fascist and violently divided while watching the election being openly rigged without reprisal.
I've watched climate change go from an eventual problem to a disaster film cliche.
I've watched a pandemic sweep the world and led a life in quarantine, while watching those in local power force my family to act as if the danger doesn't exist.
I've seen my finances tanked and am back to struggling to get by in a way that I haven't in years.
I've lost every real-life friend I have that isn't a state away due to red-state politics.
And with the loss of those friends, I've lost most of my biggest hobbies - RPGs and non-solo board games - either long term or permanently.
My kids have reached the age that they're no longer interested in family activities, leaving me even more cut off from my hobbies and interests.
I've lost the pet that I was closer to than any pet I've ever had.
I've been dealing with [won't discuss on the internet, but it's a biggie.]
[Second private biggie]
I'm a person that can generally only really relax when I have solitude, but with my eldest now out of school and unable to work, I haven't had space to myself in six months.
I've got absolutely no real-life people that know me that I can discuss things with to get clarity. I can bounce things off of all of you (which I appreciate), but without knowing me, it's a half-measure.

I've gotten irritable. My anxiety is up. My depression, which I've had under control for a decade, is flaring up again to the point that I'm having trouble enjoying any of the things I have left. I'm trying to deal with being miserable without dragging my family down with me, and I am failing.

I think it's about time that I see if I can get into a therapist again, but I'm dreading that. I only have one place locally, and they generally only have one person on staff for medicare patients. That means I have a choice of exactly one person, and the chances of that person having experience dealing with adults with autism is roughly zero. That means another well-meaning therapist pushing treatments and solutions on me that aren't even remotely suitable (my last therapist put me in group therapy for women with Borderline Personality Disorder because she couldn't figure out what else to do), but what other option do I have? Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.

But I can't keep going like I have been. I guess it is time to spin the wheel and see who they assign me to this time.

You might check and see what Telehealth options are available for counseling so you're not shoehorned into only one provider.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:09 pm Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.

If it's by Zoom, why does it have to be someone local? There are a lot of telemed options, though admittedly I don't know your needs or coverage.

LawBeefaroni wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:21 pm

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:09 pm Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.

If it's by Zoom, why does it have to be someone local? There are a lot of telemed options, though admittedly I don't know your needs or coverage.

Because eventually it won't be Zoom, and I don't want to end up with a therapist that's an hour away.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:23 pm Because eventually it won't be Zoom, and I don't want to end up with a therapist that's an hour away.

Online doctor visits predated Covid and will be a thing forever to come. Today we filled out the forms for insurance through my wife's job, and virtual visits have less a hit on copays and deductibles than in-person visits.

I doubt they'll become standard in rural Indiana until well after they are old news in more... modern places.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:33 pm I doubt they'll become standard in rural Indiana until well after they are old news in more... modern places.

Don't be so sure, it's insurance companies driving that bus, so expect your rural quacks to still hop aboard.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:23 pm

LawBeefaroni wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:21 pm

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:09 pm Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.

If it's by Zoom, why does it have to be someone local? There are a lot of telemed options, though admittedly I don't know your needs or coverage.

Because eventually it won't be Zoom, and I don't want to end up with a therapist that's an hour away.

Here's a list of adult autism therapists in the state of IN courtesy of PsychologyToday.com. And here's their list of available teletherapy for adult autism in IN. So hopefully you can find one that accepts your health insurance and has some worthwhile knowledge and experience in working with autistic adults.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:23 pm

LawBeefaroni wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:21 pm

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:09 pm Oh, and it'll be via Zoom, which is ten times as uncomfortable for me.

If it's by Zoom, why does it have to be someone local? There are a lot of telemed options, though admittedly I don't know your needs or coverage.

Because eventually it won't be Zoom, and I don't want to end up with a therapist that's an hour away.

There are plenty of telemed-only providers. They won't switch to in person. It may not be the best option for you but they're out there.

Jeff V wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:37 pm

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Wed Sep 16, 2020 10:33 pm I doubt they'll become standard in rural Indiana until well after they are old news in more... modern places.

Don't be so sure, it's insurance companies driving that bus, so expect your rural quacks to still hop aboard.

I certainly hope not. I have a very hard time talking to people in person. Doing it remotely is very, very unpleasant for me. As in 'panic attack inducing' levels of uncomfortable. If I have to call the cable company it takes me a week of putting it off to gather the willpower to do it, and I'm likely going to be shaking afterward.