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Never thought I'd be typing this

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msduncan
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Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

On May 30th, my beautiful wife of 22 years came back from visiting her mother to tell me that she wanted out of the marriage. I am broken. I'm lost. There are a million words I could type here that still wouldn't be an adequate description of how much in absolute grief I am in. I have cried more in the past 24 days than I did combined when each of my parents passed away from cancer. Her reasons are that the family didn't help her around the house enough for years until she just reached the breaking point and is emotionally empty. She is done and doesn't care. She would leave this instant if it wasn't for the house we are going to need to sell. I begged her for counseling, which she finally relented to do (but only for the kids and me, and not her).

Naturally this trauma shook my foundations and changed me fundamentally. For the past 3 weeks I've been prioritizing her first, doing deep cleaning, SEEING when things needed to be picked up or cleaned without anyone mentioning them. It's brought me close to God, whom I have prayed to almost relentlessly since that awful moment. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I think about it every waking moment. The rest of my life was to be with her -- laughing into retirement and playing when the kids were gone. All of that torn away and out of my life in an instant.

We've had good days and bad days the past few weeks. If it comes up -- she insists she's done, I know where she stands, and she would leave immediately if not for the house. However, we continue to text or talk (and I don't text her and she still will text me occasionally). We continue to have sex a couple times a week. We went on a wonderful beach trip where I saw her life energy fill back up to the brim for a few days. Her eyes got bright again. We spent time together. Yesterday (day after we came back from the beach) went well too. She called for a 'quickie' while the kids were out of the house.

TODAY, however, we had our first counseling appointment. When I picked her up for it she was immediately cold and distant again. She sat separated from me (I noticed). She reiterated all of the things she has told me to the counselor about being done, wanting to run, wanting to leave immediately, being angry when I help around the house now because I should have been doing it before. My wife is a very matter of fact person, and she prides on sticking to a decision once it's made. She has mentioned it several times the past few weeks. The counselor (faith based counseling btw -- meaning pro marriage) said that our goals were very different, and that because of that she recommended a 'therapeutic 30 day separation'. No contact for 30 days. Each of us sees counselors individually. After the 30 days -- we meet back up and see where we are. This is terrifying to me, agonizing to think about, and is just soul crushing. We have another session Monday where we come back together to sign the no-contact contract if we choose to do it.

She told me on the way back to her work that she's not sure about it yet -- that she needs to think about it and we should talk about it more before making a rash decision.

Anyway...I just needed to vent all of this. I'm lost right now guys. I've never been lower in my entire life. I am quickly losing hope that I can save my marriage, and I love this woman as much as the day I first saw her. :(
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gbasden
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by gbasden »

I'm so sorry, man. I know that has to be devastating. Please feel free to vent and I know we are all happy to listen.

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dbt1949
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by dbt1949 »

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish you well.
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by hitbyambulance »

really too bad the situation got to this state. make no mistake, it's going to get worse before it gets better, and you will have a half-lifetime of remorse to live with.

she didn't just up and walk out with no explanation, at the very least. based on what you've related here, trying to discern exactly what she wants and needs - and following through with her being able to get that from now on - is of the highest importance at this time.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Isgrimnur »

Sorry to hear about the troubles. I hope the outcome is what's best for everyone involved.

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Holman
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Holman »

I am so sorry to hear this! I wish your family all the best in working it out.
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stimpy
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by stimpy »

Sorry to hear about this.
I can offer some advice if wanted or needed, as I went through a very similar situation.
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Anonymous Bosch
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Anonymous Bosch »

My heart goes out to you.

All I'll say is do not give up yet. Do whatever it takes for you to rekindle, and hopefully rebuild and save your relationship and family. If that's not possible, my heart really goes out to you.

Hang in there.
Last edited by Anonymous Bosch on Wed Jun 24, 2020 6:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Kraken »

Very sorry to read your story. I wish I had some words of advice or encouragement, but I'm a troglodyte when it comes to interpersonal relationships, so I can only offer sympathy.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Lassr »

Damn. So sorry to hear this. My wife and i went through that about 10 years ago, counciling helped us. I hope it helps y'all.

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RunningMn9
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by RunningMn9 »

There isn’t anything one can say at a time like this to help. If you need to vent, vent. If you need advice, ask. There are enough people around here that have seen enough things to help - but no one has been in your shoes or your wife’s. Godspeed.
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Smoove_B »

Isgrimnur wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 5:35 pm
Sorry to hear about the troubles. I hope the outcome is what's best for everyone involved.
+1

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McNutt
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by McNutt »

Good luck. Hopefully these are signs that it's still possible to make it work.

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Madmarcus
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Madmarcus »

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Best of luck in having everyone come through this into a better state.

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Scuzz
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Scuzz »

Good luck. I can't imagine what it must be like.

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Jag
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jag »

Sorry to hear it. Really hope you both come through together and stronger. Thoughts are with you.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Blackhawk »

That really sucks, and I'm sorry. I hope things work out the best way for everyone. And if that means that they don't work out, the one thing I've learned from my own divorces (two of them) is that a divorce is still a traumatic loss. It is comparable to a death, and you have to treat it as such. You have to take the time to mourn, and you have to adapt to the idea that when you get past the mourning (which takes time and patience with yourself), you'll be living a slightly different life.
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Jaymon
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jaymon »

Oh that is rough man, that is rough. 2020 is rotten to the core.
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by LawBeefaroni »

Sorry to hear, man. You seem to have a chance and are taking full advantage of it. Pulling for you.




But I do have to note that you have more sex during a week of strife than I do during a month! A good month. :grund:
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gameoverman
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by gameoverman »

The two of you are still able, and willing, to communicate. I'd take that as a good sign. There's hope is what I'm saying.

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Jaymann
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jaymann »

So sorry to hear this. Hang in there as best you can.
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by The Meal »

RunningMn9 wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 6:37 pm
There isn’t anything one can say at a time like this to help. If you need to vent, vent. If you need advice, ask. There are enough people around here that have seen enough things to help - but no one has been in your shoes or your wife’s. Godspeed.
Yep. Best luck to all involved.

MHS and I separated for a few years (Jan 2009 - August 2011), though we were back to dating after a few months of zero contact. We've been happily living together since. Our situation was not your situation. But two people rowing in the same direction can get back in a boat and have profound happiness. It does take a lot of rowing.

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Skinypupy
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Skinypupy »

Damn, I can’t even imagine that.

Good luck man. Hope it works out for the best for all involved.
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AWS260
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by AWS260 »

I'm so sorry, msd. I'm giving you a big socially distanced hug right now.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by hepcat »

Oh man, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, msd. I really hope things work out.
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Hrothgar
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Hrothgar »

I'm sorry to hear that. I can't imagine your pain. Unfortunately, I've gone through this with a couple of friends. I've learned a couple of things.

-- No matter how bad it seems, any marriage can be saved

-- Eventually, both members have to decide they want to save it

To use faith based language, God can move any mountain. God won't force anyone to change their mind.

Good luck. Have faith. We're here.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Kraken »

Jaymon wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 7:43 pm
2020 is rotten to the core.
Remember how happy we were to bid 2019 farewell? We were so innocent then.

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jeff V »

Sorry to hear it, man. I'm not convinced I won't find myself in a similar situation some day...when my wife got pregnant with our daughter (and before we knew) she went all sorts of crazy and said things that really couldn't be unsaid. We are fine at the moment, but I'm aware that can change in a heartbeat, especially when she gets on this "speaking her love language" crap. Now were going to get tested again with my being unemployed for the first time since we solidified our commitment to each other (after we met in person but before I was gainfully employed, she nearly bailed on me to go back to an ex).

I do prefer the occasional airing of the grievances though if the alternative is bottling them up until it hits the point of no return.

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Hrothgar
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Hrothgar »

Jeff V wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:34 pm
(after we met in person but before I was gainfully employed, she nearly bailed on me to go back to an ex).
For some reason, I read that twice as 'after we met in prison.'

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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by paulbaxter »

I'm sorry too. Marriage trouble (and possible ending of a marriage) is just the worst.

If I had any good advice, I'd give it to you, but mostly just take care of your life the best you can for right now.
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em2nought
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by em2nought »

Hrothgar wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 11:47 pm
Jeff V wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:34 pm
(after we met in person but before I was gainfully employed, she nearly bailed on me to go back to an ex).
For some reason, I read that twice as 'after we met in prison.'
Might have been the case if his wife was Thai because JeffV would have likely had something that bothered him about the King of Thailand, and they don't take kindly to criticism of the King. :mrgreen:

On another note, should have put sheets on that bed in the spare room. :wink: I doubt that humor can help you at the moment, but I made two poor attempts.
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Jag
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jag »

LawBeefaroni wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 7:45 pm
But I do have to note that you have more sex during a week of strife than I do during a month! A good month. :grund:
I was going to say this too, but it didn't seem right. Maybe that's the secret. Hell, half the time she sleeps in the guest room because of my snoring and we've been together 28 years.

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Skinypupy
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Skinypupy »

Jag wrote:
Thu Jun 25, 2020 9:37 am
LawBeefaroni wrote:
Wed Jun 24, 2020 7:45 pm
But I do have to note that you have more sex during a week of strife than I do during a month! A good month. :grund:
I was going to say this too, but it didn't seem right. Maybe that's the secret. Hell, half the time she sleeps in the guest room because of my snoring and we've been together 28 years.
I actually came back into this thread this morning to make that exact observation.

That struck me as a bit odd (as someone who has also been married for 22 years), but who am I to judge?
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msduncan
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot!

Update:

She came home from work last night and said "I don't think this 30 day separation is right. I think it's unfair to you and would keep you from doing what you are doing to try". So she nixed the separation outright. She instead wants to set up our in-law suite so that she can go over there, take baths, come and go, sleep there if she wants, but still be able to come over and watch TV, have dinner, visit, and even sleep over if she wants.

After this discussion we talked for 3 hours very candidly, talked about things we could do to let her have her own identity, talked about activities we could do together, etc. She says she wants to sit down on Sunday by the pool and formalize a plan and ground rules that we will then present to the counselor on Monday as a rebuttal to the separation.

We then had some tequila and sex again. lol So yeah....my world is a roller coaster right now.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

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Unagi
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Unagi »

That’s weird.
IMO.

The sex part.

That being said. I wish you well and hope things work out for both of you.

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Jaymann
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jaymann »

Nothing like a little separation anxiety to get the juices flowing.
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Smoove_B
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Smoove_B »

I've been back and forth for hours, but I decided if someone needs to be the asshole here I can wear that mantle.

Stop letting sex cloud the issue. Two people can be sexually attracted to one another but still be incompatible with respect to having an adult relationship. Getting drunk and fucking is not addressing core issues; its making them worse. Using the intimacy associated with sex to confuse judgement is not helping and it's borderline manipulative. There's a reason the therapist suggested a 30 day no-contact separation.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know anything other than what you've shared. But what you've posted here is not healthy in the short or long term.

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msduncan
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Smoove_B wrote:
Thu Jun 25, 2020 11:59 am
I've been back and forth for hours, but I decided if someone needs to be the asshole here I can wear that mantle.

Stop letting sex cloud the issue. Two people can be sexually attracted to one another but still be incompatible with respect to having an adult relationship. Getting drunk and fucking is not addressing core issues; its making them worse. Using the intimacy associated with sex to confuse judgement is not helping and it's borderline manipulative. There's a reason the therapist suggested a 30 day no-contact separation.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know anything other than what you've shared. But what you've posted here is not healthy in the short or long term.
Well.... if it helps I'm not the one initiating intimacy. And we aren't getting smashed. We just have a few drinks and the pattern (pre and post situation) hasn't changed. In other words the only consistent thing here is that our sex life hasn't changed at all. But I do see your point.

Things we agreed to do in our chat last night:

1. jointly come up with an alternate plan for the counselor that gives her space but keeps me from vanishing for a month. She is adamant about this.
2. Each schedule individual counseling sessions, which was a part of the 30 day separation plan. To be fair -- the counselor said that was one option (stay together and counsel separately. Wife has 100% bought in to the fact that we both need this.
3. Have some separate space and activities for her without any interference (calls, texts, etc)
4. Have deliberate together-activities for us that are fun -- things we enjoy doing together.
5. Continue 'family board game night' which is something we've enjoyed for the past month or so with the kids
6. Continue once-a-week lunch dates where I drive and pick her up from work and we go eat on her lunch break. She likes this. It gets her away from work and we just chat.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

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Eel Snave
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Eel Snave »

You know what can happen is that sometimes people go through the motions but don't necessarily talk about the important stuff until it becomes too much to handle. Is it possible that your wife just didn't know how much these small things were bothering her until it became unbearable? I don't know.

I will suggest a book that I've found worked wonders for me in conflict resolution: Crucial Conversations. It explains that people have a few different ways of handling big conversations, and how to cut through and fix problems when they arise. I didn't have this book available to me in my first marriage (not that it would have helped) and it was a disaster. I did in my current marriage, and it's made a world of difference.

Best of luck to the both of you.
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Zarathud
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Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Zarathud »

The sex is a desire for physical intimacy but she’s not feeling any appreciation or her emotional needs are being met. It’s an easy trap to confuse sex with a healthy relationship and end up with a shit show.

The good news is that she’s asking for what she wants and doesn’t want to separate now. You have a chance, work on things.
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