Fundraising for 2020/2021: Currently at $1431. Fundraising has begun, see the global post for options. Paypal Donation Links US dollars CDN Dollars

Never thought I'd be typing this

Everything else!

Moderators: EvilHomer3k, Bakhtosh

JCC
Posts: 1220
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 11:07 pm

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by JCC »

I think one of you needs to not live there. One of you get an apartment (or live with a friend, family member) and then actually separate for 30 days. What you are doing is living in a together/not together purgatory that is not going to resolve anything.

JCC
Posts: 1220
Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 11:07 pm

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by JCC »

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I feel awful for you. I went through it last year. I can tell you that my ex and I aren't going to get back together, and we are much better with each other now. It sucks splitting up - but while I was terrified to do it, I am absolutely 100% happier now.... well I would be if we still weren't all living chapter 1 of The Stand...

User avatar
msduncan
Posts: 14381
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

The past week has been extremely good.

Last weekend we had a great Sunday -- with her actually grabbing and holding my hand for a time during church. We went on to spend the entire day together. Each day she's asked me to come to her place to hang out and watch TV. She's joined me for coffee before work in the early mornings. We both entered our counseling appointment afraid that we were going to get in trouble for totally failing on the no-contact, and started laughing when the counselor asked how the no contact was going. We didn't get in trouble and the counselor remarked how it was the first time she'd seen both of us smile since she met us. There was some more anger and tears in the session from her, but an overwhelmingly constructive one that we both felt good about. This weekend has been good. She invites me over more and more.....asks me to go to town with her. She has started tagging me in Facebook posts again. She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek most of the time when we say our goodbyes...but there is an occasional lips peck. The biggest thing I noticed since I now have read the Love Languages book -- is that while I was off picking up the kids yesterday she changed my trash, cleaned my coffee pot, and washed my dishes. All acts of service -- which is her language.

We still are at a pause in intimacy, but of course I understand why. Tomorrow she goes back to her individual counselor -- her anger management one. We are trending in the right direction though. I continue to help her any way I can with acts of service now that I understand her language.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

User avatar
The Meal
Posts: 26787
Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:33 pm
Location: 2005 Stanley Cup Champion
the_meal’s avatar
Loading…

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by The Meal »

Wow, I really hope this is something you can build from and move forward.

User avatar
msduncan
Posts: 14381
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Well...tonight she invited me over for wine and a movie. We watched about 70% of one and then said our goodbyes because it got too late. Kiss on the lips and a warm hug.

I may get the best night of sleep that I've had in about 50 days.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

User avatar
geezer
Posts: 7360
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 1:52 pm
Location: Yeeha!

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by geezer »

Glad it's going well.

User avatar
Hrothgar
Posts: 496
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:38 pm
Location: Houston, TX
Contact:

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Hrothgar »

Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly. To me, it seems like there are two big obstacles. First, your wife felt emotionally detached from you and your marriage. Therefore she wanted out immediately. Second, there were some big, painful issues in your relationship and family dynamics that caused that emotional detachment.

I think what most of us here are worried about is that you sound like progress on the first issue is the solution to both. You're right in the sense that you can't save your marriage if she doesn't get on board and fight for it. It's reasonable to take hope and encouragement wherever you can find it. Just keep in mind that even succeeding in overcoming obstacle one doesn't save your marriage. It just gives you a chance. You're on your way to base camp, but there's still a mountain to climb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy there's hope. Maybe some of those big issues are things you don't feel comfortable talking about here. Maybe you're making progress on them. If so, great. If not, remember to focus on the goal not the difficulty of the journey. I think Smoove pointed out that problems years in the making don't have easy ways out.

We're on your side. We're praying for you both.

User avatar
dbt1949
Posts: 21757
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 12:34 am
Location: Hogeye Arkansas

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by dbt1949 »

Sleep is over rated.
Ye Olde Farte
Double Ought Forty
aka dbt1949

User avatar
msduncan
Posts: 14381
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Hrothgar wrote:
Mon Jul 20, 2020 1:47 pm
Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly. To me, it seems like there are two big obstacles. First, your wife felt emotionally detached from you and your marriage. Therefore she wanted out immediately. Second, there were some big, painful issues in your relationship and family dynamics that caused that emotional detachment.

I think what most of us here are worried about is that you sound like progress on the first issue is the solution to both. You're right in the sense that you can't save your marriage if she doesn't get on board and fight for it. It's reasonable to take hope and encouragement wherever you can find it. Just keep in mind that even succeeding in overcoming obstacle one doesn't save your marriage. It just gives you a chance. You're on your way to base camp, but there's still a mountain to climb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy there's hope. Maybe some of those big issues are things you don't feel comfortable talking about here. Maybe you're making progress on them. If so, great. If not, remember to focus on the goal not the difficulty of the journey. I think Smoove pointed out that problems years in the making don't have easy ways out.

We're on your side. We're praying for you both.
We have both been doing individual work. Counseling and books. And I agree - this is not over not by a long shot. I have a ray of hope in a dim tunnel and I'm making the changes to myself to march towards it.

If we make it through all of this, I am going to renew my vows to her. It seems only right.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

User avatar
Papa Smurph
Posts: 299
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:38 pm
Location: Smurfy Land

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Papa Smurph »

This is great news! I know it’s hard work, but keep it up. You only get one life so fight for what you want.

User avatar
msduncan
Posts: 14381
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Things continue to improve day by day. Affection is returning. We are spending most of the days together now. She tags me on Facebook. She calls and texts me from work. All of these things had stopped for many weeks. It's the little things that I notice. Anyway... making my personal changes permanent, still being loving and patient, and she's working through some things herself. We are both beyond excited for our vacation this week starting Thursday though.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

User avatar
Scraper
Posts: 1697
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 4:59 pm

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Scraper »

msduncan wrote:
Mon Jul 27, 2020 10:36 am
Things continue to improve day by day. Affection is returning. We are spending most of the days together now. She tags me on Facebook. She calls and texts me from work. All of these things had stopped for many weeks. It's the little things that I notice. Anyway... making my personal changes permanent, still being loving and patient, and she's working through some things herself. We are both beyond excited for our vacation this week starting Thursday though.
This is good news. I hope the vacay goes well.
FTE

Jeff V
Posts: 33089
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 7:17 pm
Location: Nowhere you want to be.

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Jeff V »

Glad to hear it msd! My wife admitted to me today that Covid really has her depressed. Not only in role as a front-line worker, but that we can't do anything we would normally do for relaxation -- no restaurants, no beach...we're discussing today where we might take the kids for a hike where there isn't any crowds (the ones i know have no crowds for a reason...they aren't exciting).

User avatar
Grifman
Posts: 18687
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2004 7:17 pm

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Grifman »

Still following along and hoping.
Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions. – G.K. Chesterton

User avatar
msduncan
Posts: 14381
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Birmingham, Alabama

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by msduncan »

Intimacy hasn't returned yet, but I would expect that to be one of the last things to happen. Last night she made a couple comments about how angry she has been, how alone she has felt, etc.... but those comments weren't made in anger this time. She also, very notably, told me while we were preparing wings for dinner that there are very few people on this planet that she truly enjoys and that I'm one of them.

We leave for vacation tomorrow. When we return we have another couple's counseling appointment.
It's 109 first team All-Americans.
It's a college football record 61 bowl appearances.
It's 34 bowl victories.
It's 24 Southeastern Conference Championships.
It's 15 National Championships.

At some places they play football. At Alabama we live it.

User avatar
Holman
Posts: 23478
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2004 8:00 pm
Location: Approximately Wissahickon

Re: Never thought I'd be typing this

Post by Holman »

Relationships are work. MSD, it really looks like you two are taking the work seriously.
Much prefer my Nazis Nuremberged.

Post Reply