Octopus Overlords

I think one of you needs to not live there. One of you get an apartment (or live with a friend, family member) and then actually separate for 30 days. What you are doing is living in a together/not together purgatory that is not going to resolve anything.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I feel awful for you. I went through it last year. I can tell you that my ex and I aren't going to get back together, and we are much better with each other now. It sucks splitting up - but while I was terrified to do it, I am absolutely 100% happier now.... well I would be if we still weren't all living chapter 1 of The Stand...

The past week has been extremely good.

Last weekend we had a great Sunday -- with her actually grabbing and holding my hand for a time during church. We went on to spend the entire day together. Each day she's asked me to come to her place to hang out and watch TV. She's joined me for coffee before work in the early mornings. We both entered our counseling appointment afraid that we were going to get in trouble for totally failing on the no-contact, and started laughing when the counselor asked how the no contact was going. We didn't get in trouble and the counselor remarked how it was the first time she'd seen both of us smile since she met us. There was some more anger and tears in the session from her, but an overwhelmingly constructive one that we both felt good about. This weekend has been good. She invites me over more and more.....asks me to go to town with her. She has started tagging me in Facebook posts again. She hugs me and kisses me on the cheek most of the time when we say our goodbyes...but there is an occasional lips peck. The biggest thing I noticed since I now have read the Love Languages book -- is that while I was off picking up the kids yesterday she changed my trash, cleaned my coffee pot, and washed my dishes. All acts of service -- which is her language.

We still are at a pause in intimacy, but of course I understand why. Tomorrow she goes back to her individual counselor -- her anger management one. We are trending in the right direction though. I continue to help her any way I can with acts of service now that I understand her language.

Wow, I really hope this is something you can build from and move forward.

Well...tonight she invited me over for wine and a movie. We watched about 70% of one and then said our goodbyes because it got too late. Kiss on the lips and a warm hug.

I may get the best night of sleep that I've had in about 50 days.

Glad it's going well.

Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly. To me, it seems like there are two big obstacles. First, your wife felt emotionally detached from you and your marriage. Therefore she wanted out immediately. Second, there were some big, painful issues in your relationship and family dynamics that caused that emotional detachment.

I think what most of us here are worried about is that you sound like progress on the first issue is the solution to both. You're right in the sense that you can't save your marriage if she doesn't get on board and fight for it. It's reasonable to take hope and encouragement wherever you can find it. Just keep in mind that even succeeding in overcoming obstacle one doesn't save your marriage. It just gives you a chance. You're on your way to base camp, but there's still a mountain to climb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy there's hope. Maybe some of those big issues are things you don't feel comfortable talking about here. Maybe you're making progress on them. If so, great. If not, remember to focus on the goal not the difficulty of the journey. I think Smoove pointed out that problems years in the making don't have easy ways out.

We're on your side. We're praying for you both.

Sleep is over rated.

Hrothgar wrote: ↑Mon Jul 20, 2020 1:47 pm Maybe I'm reading this incorrectly. To me, it seems like there are two big obstacles. First, your wife felt emotionally detached from you and your marriage. Therefore she wanted out immediately. Second, there were some big, painful issues in your relationship and family dynamics that caused that emotional detachment.

I think what most of us here are worried about is that you sound like progress on the first issue is the solution to both. You're right in the sense that you can't save your marriage if she doesn't get on board and fight for it. It's reasonable to take hope and encouragement wherever you can find it. Just keep in mind that even succeeding in overcoming obstacle one doesn't save your marriage. It just gives you a chance. You're on your way to base camp, but there's still a mountain to climb.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy there's hope. Maybe some of those big issues are things you don't feel comfortable talking about here. Maybe you're making progress on them. If so, great. If not, remember to focus on the goal not the difficulty of the journey. I think Smoove pointed out that problems years in the making don't have easy ways out.

We're on your side. We're praying for you both.

We have both been doing individual work. Counseling and books. And I agree - this is not over not by a long shot. I have a ray of hope in a dim tunnel and I'm making the changes to myself to march towards it.

If we make it through all of this, I am going to renew my vows to her. It seems only right.

This is great news! I know it’s hard work, but keep it up. You only get one life so fight for what you want.

Things continue to improve day by day. Affection is returning. We are spending most of the days together now. She tags me on Facebook. She calls and texts me from work. All of these things had stopped for many weeks. It's the little things that I notice. Anyway... making my personal changes permanent, still being loving and patient, and she's working through some things herself. We are both beyond excited for our vacation this week starting Thursday though.

msduncan wrote: ↑Mon Jul 27, 2020 10:36 am Things continue to improve day by day. Affection is returning. We are spending most of the days together now. She tags me on Facebook. She calls and texts me from work. All of these things had stopped for many weeks. It's the little things that I notice. Anyway... making my personal changes permanent, still being loving and patient, and she's working through some things herself. We are both beyond excited for our vacation this week starting Thursday though.

This is good news. I hope the vacay goes well.

Glad to hear it msd! My wife admitted to me today that Covid really has her depressed. Not only in role as a front-line worker, but that we can't do anything we would normally do for relaxation -- no restaurants, no beach...we're discussing today where we might take the kids for a hike where there isn't any crowds (the ones i know have no crowds for a reason...they aren't exciting).

Still following along and hoping.

Intimacy hasn't returned yet, but I would expect that to be one of the last things to happen. Last night she made a couple comments about how angry she has been, how alone she has felt, etc.... but those comments weren't made in anger this time. She also, very notably, told me while we were preparing wings for dinner that there are very few people on this planet that she truly enjoys and that I'm one of them.

We leave for vacation tomorrow. When we return we have another couple's counseling appointment.

Relationships are work. MSD, it really looks like you two are taking the work seriously.

I’m thinking of you.

Back from a wonderful vacation to the beach and Disney.

Last night she slept over there, which I suspected would be the norm for a while. However, this morning she asked me to move her pillows back over. She said "it's time for me to come home. You are a wonderful person and I'm lucky to have you. I miss you guys" <----(tears of happiness and overwhelming emotion)

These have been the darkest days of my life - eclipsing even the Leukemia fight I had to undertake 5 years ago. It has fundamentally changed the way I approach this marriage. I still have a lot of work to do on myself and maintaining my end of the partnership, but I can tell you I'll wake up every day striving to be the best husband/partner I can be.

Keep talking to each other and and keep going to therapy, separately and together, at least for a little while. Just because the road has smoothed out doesn't mean that there isn't more potholes ahead.

Had our marriage counseling session today and it went extremely well. She is working on bringing back emotional intimacy, but broke down in tears when she told the counselor while looking at me that she loves me. We are setting up weekly checkpoints with each other to discuss our progress, anything we missed the mark on, etc. She has essentially moved back in or is in the process of moving back in.

Things are moving very nicely in a great direction. Progress each day.

We continue to heal from this and improve week to week in all areas. I'm continuing my diligence in being an equal partner with her, and she is deliberately speaking in my 'love language' as well. In short -- we are in recovery and things are looking good. I just read an article where the divorce rate is up 34% this year -- and all signs point to us being one of the few couples that faced it and survived it.

Thanks again for all of your support during the darkest days of this back in June/July. It was greatly needed and absolutely appreciated.

Woot!

Great to hear MSD!

Woo hoo!

Good job. Do you have a better idea how it got to a crisis point now?

Still praying for you.

Great news!