Octopus Overlords

Why can't you hear a psychic in the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender says “can I get you a drink?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo”
“How about something to eat?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo”
“What about some peanuts?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo”

Frazzled, the bartender says “What’s with the long no’s”?
Anteater replies “I was born with it”.

This is one of my favorites:

You ask someone what a pirate's favorite letter is.

They will most likely roll their eyes and reply, "Rrrrrrrrrrr"

Then you counter with (in a pirate voice):

"Aye ye would think that, but the C (sea) be his first love!"

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

A hole was discovered in the fence that surrounded the nudist camp. Authorities are looking into it.

YellowKing wrote:This is one of my favorites:

You ask someone what a pirate's favorite letter is.

They will most likely roll their eyes and reply, "Rrrrrrrrrrr"

Then you counter with (in a pirate voice):

"Aye ye would think that, but the C (sea) be his first love!"

What be a pirate’s favorite fast food restaurant?

RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrBssssssssssss

Ye'd be thinking that, but no. It be Long John Silver's.

Eel Snave wrote: ↑Fri Aug 28, 2020 11:54 am A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

I'm stealing this one.

Death came for me last night but told me that if I bested him in a contest, I could remain on the mortal plane.
I challenged him to a pillow fight.
I was not prepared for the Reaper Cushions.

stessier wrote: ↑Fri Aug 28, 2020 1:25 pm

Eel Snave wrote: ↑Fri Aug 28, 2020 11:54 am A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

I'm stealing this one.

Alternative punchline: Rabbit: "I think I'm here because of autocorrect"

Immanuel Kant walks into a bar. He sees a Scotsman just getting up from the bar to leave. The bartender looks down to see the Scotsman did not leave a tip. "You bastard!" he shouts. So Kant shoots the Scotsman.

What did the pirate say when he got his balls stuck in the wheel of the ship?

"Arrrrrrrr, it be drivin' me nuts!"

Comic Sans and Times New Roman walk into a bar

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

If memory serves, this one's courtesy of Bill Murray…

"Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die."

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
- The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
- The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
- The police officer is shocked,
“What? A month?! Why on Earth are you coming only now?!”
- “Well… I’ve no clothes to put on anymore.”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

I went down the YouTube rabbit hole for jokes yesterday:

Three couples decide they want to join the clergy at their local church. The first couple is elderly and retired, the second couple is middle-aged, and the third couple are young newlyweds.

The pastor informs them that in order to join the clergy, they'd first have to pass a test to see if they could abstain from sex. He tells each of them to go home and abstain from sex for three weeks. Then he'd meet back up with them and find out how they fared.

Three weeks pass, and the couples all show up. The pastor asks the retired elderly couple how they did. "Why that was easy, no problem at all," they reply. The middle-aged couple says, "Well it was pretty tough the first week, but we managed to resist and made it through all three weeks." The young newlywed husband hangs his head and says, "Well I can't lie Father. We didn't make it but a couple of days. You see, my wife dropped a can of paint."

"A can of paint?" the priest replies. "Whatever does that have to do with you unable to abstain from sex?"

"Well," says the young man. "My wife dropped a can of paint and when she bent over to pick it up, I just couldn't help myself! I had to have her right then and there!"

The priest shakes his head in disappointment and says, "Well then I'm sorry to inform you that you're no longer welcome in our church."

The young man says, "That's OK Father, we're no longer welcome in the hardware store either."

How can you tell if you are drinking cheap wine?



Check under the cap to see if you've won a free bottle.

Some people wear foil hats, in order to prevent alien mind probes.

Personally, I wear foil underwear...

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

...

A fish.

Q: Name the site Chewbacca created to give out Empire secrets.

A: Wookieeleaks

Child: Dad, what's a forklift?


Dad: Food, usually.

Q: What does a pirate say when he turns 80?

A: Aye Matey!

I did not!

MehGyver
@TheAndrewNadeau
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Life is like a cup of coffee.

It smells great, but it tastes bitter and makes you poop.

(For the band musicians on here)

How can you tell if you're kissing a French horn player?




They stuff their hand up your ass.

Hyena wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 12:37 pm (For the band musicians on here)

How can you tell if you're kissing a French horn player?




They stuff their hand up your ass.

Don't get the joke, but you definitely deserve a hand.

Jaymann wrote: ↑Sat Aug 29, 2020 4:46 pm Immanuel Kant walks into a bar. He sees a Scotsman just getting up from the bar to leave. The bartender looks down to see the Scotsman did not leave a tip. "You bastard!" he shouts. So Kant shoots the Scotsman.

I'm gonna need an explainer for this.

Alefroth wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 2:23 pm

Jaymann wrote: ↑Sat Aug 29, 2020 4:46 pm Immanuel Kant walks into a bar. He sees a Scotsman just getting up from the bar to leave. The bartender looks down to see the Scotsman did not leave a tip. "You bastard!" he shouts. So Kant shoots the Scotsman.

I'm gonna need an explainer for this.

Huh, I see.

Isgrimnur wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 12:52 pm

Thanks!

Alefroth wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 2:38 pmHuh, I see.

Yeah, he was a real pissant.

Blackhawk wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 3:01 pm

Alefroth wrote: ↑Tue Dec 08, 2020 2:38 pmHuh, I see.

Yeah, he was a real pissant.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, "Just like the ones grammar used to make?"