Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri AAR: Join the OO faction!

[Peacedog]

Nicely done.

[hentzau]

Loved the Ultima party. Several laugh out loud moments here. Great work again!

[Smoove_B]

I'd love to know what Hipolito does for a day job. I can totally picture him with a sketchbook sitting in a corporate desk-farm, filling out TPS reports all day.

Where ever you get the inspiration, it works.

[Hipolito]

Thanks. I am indeed a cube monkey.

And because I haven't posted in this thread without putting up pics of Elisha, here are some really cool Photoshops of her I found on this net we call inter.







Sweet dreams!

[Mr. Fed]

Superb.

[Asharak]

More awesome work.

- Ash

[Hipolito]

Pink Curtains

All throughout the worldwide conflicts, our bases thrived, building tachyon fields, supply units, and pollution-preventing facilities. Clanwolfer, having little better to do, began building the Bulk Matter Transmitter secret project. Arnir Island launched a satellite every turn. Since Planet didn't seem to be protesting the Voice project, our formers continued planting fungus for maximum resource yield. This made one of our bases a happy Meal indeed:



The lab monkeys made our first Transcendent Thought.




In 2335, setaside bounded excitedly into the Queen's command boudoir. "Your Thighness," he announced, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Hrdina has built our first fletchette defense system for protection against missiles..."



"ScubaV has laid down our first subsea trunkline for increased offshore mineral yield..."

"Yawn," said Elisha.

"...and Grievous Angel has completed the Voice of Planet!"

"Oh!"



"That's great news, setaside," said Elisha. "But what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," said setaside, "is that the Voice of Planet sounds like Joan Rivers."



"Furthermore," setaside continued, "there have been reports of a new fungal bloom surrounding the base, seemingly as a result of the Voice."



"They can deal with it," said Elisha.

"All that remains now," said setaside, "is to build the Ascent to Transcendence to win the game--I mean, to prevail over our enemies once and for all."

"Which of our bases are our most productive?"

"Those would be Varity Memorial Hydrant, Grievous Angel, Hrdina and ScubaV. They all produce over 70 minerals per year."

"Then begin the Ascent at Hrdina. That base offers the best combination of security and production for humanity's ultimate experiment."

"Yes, O sensual sovereign."

And so the Ascent began, with 25 turns till completion. Bases everywhere were building supplies to contribute to this final project. A new social movement was underway. Citizens across the globe were giving up their worldly attachments to take up lives of meditation and self-denial. They shut down their nutrient replicators and plucked fresh xenofruits off the vine. They put their personal teleporters in the closet and slapped on Birkenstocks for walking. They traded in their Martina McBride albums for Toby Keith CDs. It was an ascetic coup.

Planet seemed to be favoring us by going after our rivals.



Elisha did her part to lead the subjects into the new era, but something nagged at her consciousness. With her increasing self-awareness, she felt a decreasing sense of self. Something was not right within her. Never before had she any doubt about who she was and what she wanted, but now, she could not even believe the reflection in the mirror. There was something more to her, but what?



Rubbing her temples, she tried to concentrate on everything around her. She read the infiltrator reports for updates on how her rivals were reacting to the Ascent. The other factions had immediately begun their own Ascent projects once the Voice was completed, but they had no hope of beating Elisha.

Zakharov was now down to one pathetic base. He pleaded for a Blood Truce. Transcendent people don't bother with truces and other such paperwork, so we just conquered the base and brought Nerd War One to an end. The University of Planet was eradicated! Destroyed! Obliterated! Eradestroblerated!



The Spartan Federation was the only hostile faction left. Santiago, the desperate femme tamale, begged a legendary warrior-physicist from Earth for help.



The Spartans continued to lose ground to the Octopus Overlords, although there was a brief lull in the action when both sides were distracted by a strange object.



Two of the bases we'd taken from the Spartans were given to the war heroes razgon and marcusjm.



In 2236, we earned our second Transcendent Thought, the highest form of technology, which turned out to be...



Our supply units began arriving in Hrdina to contribute to the Ascent. Knowing that victory was near, they shared congratulations.



But alarm klaxons suddenly rang out as our satellite blips blinked urgently on the orbital map. Elisha ran into the war room, where a coms engineer told her:















The situation returned to normal, but not Elisha's sense of urgency. She checked the base operations readouts. With the supplies that had arrived at Hrdina and Clanwolfer, the empire could use its 15,000 in energy reserves to rush both bases' secret projects to completion. Elisha signed the order to do just that. Then she yanked the Turn Complete lever, crossed her fingers and said, "Man, I hope this works!"



Units both friendly and hostile made their manuevers. The vendetta with Santiago continued, and she even managed to retake a couple of her bases. But no threats approached our core bases. Planet busters did not fill the sky.

In Mission Year 2337, 237 years after Planetfall, the Bulk Matter Transmitter and Ascent to Transcendence were completed. THE HUMAN ERA IS OVER. THE OCTOPUS OVERLORDS HAVE WON!















And so, the Octopus Overlords looked forward to a brightly tentacled future on Planet, their undisputed domain, their gleaming Octopia, and their focal point for control of the universe.



Or did they??

What, you thought the story was over? Well, it's not yet over, so think again! Tomorrow, Transcendence reveals a terrible secret!

"CUBE!" joke taken from Bob the Angry Flower.

[Koz]

Hooray!

[The Meal]

Somewhere after the Mojo Nixon reference I read the words "XCom AAR."

Okay, Hip, when's it coming out?

~Neal

[Grievous Angel]

2 updates in 2 days? You're spoiling us. Congrats on making it all the way to the end, and I'm looking forward to the conclusion.

[Smoove_B]

Best.Map.Replay.Ever.

[Orgull]

Outstanding Hippolitpo. You win the internet. (In the good way)

I just watched the movie tonight for the first time. Absolute brilliance.

This thread will go down in history as "The Greatest AAR of All Time!"

[Hrdina]

"Then begin the Ascent at Hrdina. That base offers the best combination of security and production for humanity's ultimate experiment."

Our supply units began arriving in Hrdina to contribute to the Ascent. Knowing that victory was near, they shared congratulations.

First AAR I've "been in" and not been killed. Of course the others were X-Com, where getting killed isn't unusual...

[Kelric]

But.... but.... I died.

[Nightwish]

AWESOME!!!!


or something... well done, as always.

[Hipolito]

Somewhere after the Mojo Nixon reference I read the words "XCom AAR."

Okay, Hip, when's it coming out?

~Neal

Cruise and Travolta are actually looking for ChrisGrenard's AAR (their lateness is why his update has been delayed), but I am planning my own AAR for X-COM: Terror From the Deep in the ultradistant future. Will you be able to face...

THE CUTHTOID??




Oh, and in case any of you SMAC-heads want to play as (or even fight against) Queen Elisha, you can download the Octopus Overlords custom faction I made for this AAR.

[Kelric]

Green skin, black eyes, red hair...

I'd still let her have sex with me.

[Hipolito]

Elisha relaxed in a bubble bath at her private spa at Arnir Island, separated from all the Trascendence excitement going on throughout the world. She let the centuries of struggle drain from her.

She had asked the living Planet to give her some time to think to herself, to reflect on what her life of old had meant, and what the countless years ahead would bring.

Her identity crisis didn't bother her. That door in her psyche that seemed to lead to a hidden identity was not relevant. She decided that the door could remain closed, if it was even there at all.

She reclined in the tub and sighed. Silence.

Then, a loud BANG.

She opened her eyes, climbed out of the tub, dried herself off, put on a blouse and her favorite pair of Tareeqs, and went outside to see what had happened.

Oh, great, she thought as she inspected the contraption towering over her. The massive Portable Poutine-Maker 9000 had broken down again, leaking cheese everywhere. Damn that setaside!

She reached over to activate the machine's hyperwave transmitter to call for maintenance, but then she looked up at the sky. The cool blues ended at the horizon's sultry reds. It was too nice a day to be upset about some broken machine.

Wait.

A breeze smelling pleasantly of xenoberries wafted through her hair.

The sky wasn't this clear yesterday. We've only just Transcended.

She hiked up a mountain trail that would lead to a good vantage point of Grifman's Gulch across the sea. On a good day, the glow of the echelon mirror, diffracted by a thick layer of industrial smog, could be seen from many miles away. But when Elisha reached the edge of the precipice and looked northeast, she could see neither smog nor mirror. It was as if there had been no base there at all.

It is all right, earthchild, said a voice in her head. Planet. She had allowed the Voice to creep back into her consciousness when she rose from her bath.

She looked back down the trail. The swimming pools, luxury hotels, boardwalks and giant statue of the Queen straddling a Planet buster were all ... gone.

It is time you realized, said the Voice as Elisha ran back to where the resort once was. Now she was standing nearly knee-deep in pink fungus and tendrils, which had been cleared centuries ago to make room for the resort. The poutine machine was still there, though. Had it sent her backward in time?

What's happening, thought Elisha.

The door in her psyche was opening, and something on the other side was reaching for her. A truth.

Elisha looked at her commlink. Static. Of course I won't be able to reach them, she thought. Her allies and enemies, Zakharov, Morgan, Miriam, Santiago, Lal, Yang ...



were not persons, but personifications of Elisha's intellect, materialism, faith, killer instinct, compassion, and vigilance. All these years, she had been contending with herself.

The door was wide open. She stared within.

Where were her minions? Setaside, Smoove, Butterknife, that other guy ... they were not with her on Planet. They had never left Earth.

Yet I am here, she thought as she looked despairingly at the tangled tendrils that stretched off as far as the eye could see. She collapsed into a kneeling position. Why am I all alone?

You are not alone, child, said Planet. I am with you.

The tapered end of a tendril rose and caressed her leg, reassuring her a bit. She touched it. It was real. Was she?

The door. Go on in, urged Planet kindly. Transcend your illusions.

She went within and saw the truth.

She was not Elisha Cuthbert.

She was...

He was...



Jared from the Subway commercials.

It seemed so clear now. Back on Earth, the Octopus Overlords had created Jared-Construct to persuade people to eat low-calorie food, making them lighter and thus easier to conquer. The plan failed when Jared-Construct became self-aware and actualized itself as a being of perfect beauty, transforming into the Elisha-Aspect. (If you don't believe this, note how you never see both of them on TV at the same time.) Elisha-Aspect soon dominated Jared-Construct and even began to seduce the Overlords themselves. To preserve their plans for world domination, the Overlords had no choice but to banish Elisha-Jared to Planet, which would burrow into the being's mind to maintain the Elisha illusion. Planet even clouded Elisha-Jared's consciousness with a 4X strategy fantasy to prevent "the Queen" from remembering that she had been banished alone.

Over time, the truth came to light, as it always must. So what to do with it? The being that had been banished to Planet decided it would remain a Queen. Elisha-Aspect stood up, walked to the Poutine-Maker, and set the hyperwave transmitter for maximum range. With it, she delivered a final message to Earth in all languages and frequencies. The content of this message may be revealed in a future AAR.

Then the Queen looked out over the pulsating cords of flesh, the physical manifestations of Planet, her sole companion for centuries. She knelt and pet one of the cords, said "Back to work, boys," reclined, and closed her eyes. There were worse ways to spend an eternity.

[Peacedog]

If there is any good in this world, an Hipolito will do an X-com AAR.

[theohall]

Outstanding! These final three AARs were awesome. Even had my wife laughing when the lagomorph appeared. Looking forward to the next one, whatever game it might be.

[Lordnine]

Well done.

[Arnir]

I was so happy to have Her Thighness bath at my island, but Jared? Now I need a bath!

Great job, H!

[SirReal]

Brutally well done, sir! I salute you!

[RMcD94]

I made an account just to tell you how much I enjoyed this. Awesome AAR.

[Hipolito]

I made an account just to tell you how much I enjoyed this. Awesome AAR.

Thank you! Just because of you, I'll make a serious effort at updating my Fallout 2 AAR this weekend. It's not as good, though.

[craterus]

Do your worst whitey!

that post was awwweeeeesssssooommme!

thanks!

[theohall]

I made an account just to tell you how much I enjoyed this. Awesome AAR.

Thank you! Just because of you, I'll make a serious effort at updating my Fallout 2 AAR this weekend. It's not as good, though.

Spoiler:

Are you an Elisha Cuthbert stalker? You always seem to have these interesting images.

[Lagom Lite]

I'd like to write a SMAX AAR myself, but because of this thread I'm afraid to.

(because it would never be as good as this)

[Hipolito]

Are you an Elisha Cuthbert stalker? You always seem to have these interesting images.

I probably have the world's largest collection of Elisha Cuthbert photos just from doing this AAR. Same goes for Sid Meier photos. Make of that what you will.

I'd like to write a SMAX AAR myself, but because of this thread I'm afraid to.

(because it would never be as good as this)

Do it! All you have to do is post pics of someone hotter than Elisha.

[Daehawk]

My god this was 2006!?? 5 years! Im older. Seemed like maybe 2 yeas to me. Time..i hate time.