The Project. Blood will be shed. Much advice will be needed.

[Blackhawk]

5/29/12 - First update.

This is probably the most improtant thread I've posted. I hinted about this in the New Year's thread. I've got a Project.

I haven't been posting about personal stuff on here for a few years. So, for those who don't know me, I'm 38, two ex-wives, two kids, one son that I just recently got back in contact with after 15+ years, and a grandchild on the way.

I could go on at length - book length - about the troubles I've had and the impact that they had on my life. A lot of it I've just learned about in the last few years. I'm not going to bore anyone (too much), so I'll just hit the high points. I'll put it in spoiler tags if anyone wants to skip it.

Spoiler:

My mother died when I was eight. My father 'raised' me afterwards, but had never wanted a child and had no idea how to be a parent. Instead of learning or getting help, he just never bothered to try. My father was a liar, a gambling addict, a thief, and a con man. You can imagine how much useful input I got from him. From the first I can remember until I moved out on my own, my father and I lived in six houses, twelve apartments, four cars, and innumerable homeless shelters scattered across four states and more than a dozen cities. We sometimes moved three or four times a year.

I was fed, but was basically left to raise myself. How does a child teach a child to be an adult? Easy - they don't. I wasn't a normal child, either. I didn't learn until I was in my mid 30s that I'm mildly autistic. I was never diagnosed as a child, so I was never treated. You know what being different is like as a child. The bullying in school was intense. Elementary school saw me being cornered and beaten almost every day until I was terrified to leave the house. The teachers saw it and ignored it. My father saw it and ignored it. There was nowhere I could look for help. Junior High was as bad, and by then the depression had hit. I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't have a friend for years. I was a total recluse from the time I was 10 until my late teens. My father knew I had serious problems. He watched me cry and beat my head against the wall, yet he never bothered to so much as talk to a doctor or school counselor about it. I could go on in this vein, but you get the idea.

The point is, by the time I became an adult, I had no idea how to function in society. Because of how I'd grown up, I'd never learned any of the skills or the sense of responsibilty an adult needs. Because of the autism, I also lacked many interpersonal and social skills. What was worse, I didn't know that these things were missing. How do you know you're lacking something you've never had or been shown? As a result, my first marriage was a disaster. We'd gotten pregnant when I was 19, and to be honest, in the condition I was in, I should never have been in a relationship. I was a horrible husband and father. I wasn't abusive, I was just not there. I was following my father's example, I suppose. I didn't know any better, and I'm ashamed of it. We divorced after a year and a half, and I just - left. I hated Indiana and wanted to be anywhere else. I'd just met the woman who was to be my second wife, and we moved away.

It was a horrible thing to do to my son, and is the biggest mistake of my life. By the time I realized how badly I'd screwed up, he already had a stepfather, who adopted him soon afterwards. As an aside, he just recently turned 18, and I've been able to get back in contact with him again. It's a chance to address that mistake (although I know I can never fix it), although I'm scared to death I'll screw it up again.

Anyway, back on topic.

There I was, 22 years old, none of what I needed to be an adult, and buried in the problems that my upbringing had given me. The autism was always the root from which the rest sprang. I needed to be a part of society when I lacked the learned skills my father should have taught me, plus I lacked the instinctive abilities a neurotypical person has. Every conversation has mistakes, and every mistake brings rebuke and humiliation. It is intensely stressful and terrifying. Add to that the way other kids had treated me growing up, and it isn't surprising that I saw people as something to be feared and avoided. Still, I was on my own, and had to make my way, so I gritted my teeth and did what 'had' to be done, never realizing that the way I was feeling wasn't normal, or that I could get help and find a better way.

I did that for about eight years. It wasn't all that effective. The stres was exhausting. The few jobs I wasn't fired from for calling in, I quit. Let me tell you, burying that kind of fear and stress for years on end is intense. At home I was constantly angry, withdrawn, and tense. It was a bomb waiting to go off.

Finally, in 2001 I got the wrong job. It was all of the worst kinds of situations for someone like me all tied together into one bundle and locked behind a series of steel doors (literally.) It finally set off that bomb. I was so stressed that I was ill. Sleep was mostly nighmares. I could barely eat. I started having panic attacks. I'd bet everything on that job, and had a baby on the way, so I forced myself to keep at it. After two months, I blacked out on the highway going to work. I went in to the office that day and requested medical leave.

A year or so later, I tried a different job. It was light, and it was laid back. Within a few weeks, I was back to having nightmares and panic attacks. It was 2003, I had just turned 30, and I'd finally broken.

About nine years ago on Gone Gold (the predecessor to OO), I posted a thread asking for help on applying for disability. I did so, and have been on it ever since. That was in 2003, the year my second son with Michelle was born, and the year my father finally died. I started receiving treatment then, although it was several years before it did much good. There was just too much crap layered on - it took a couple of years of misdiagnosis before anyone was actually able to get far enough past the symptoms to start finding the root causes. The Asperger's diagnosis was a huge breakthrough. It came shortly after my son was diagnosed with PDD/NOS, also on the autism spectrum. Things started getting better after that, and I started making progress, but after a while the progress plateaued.

In 2007 Michelle and I divorced. The reasons are complicated, but it had a huge impact on me. For the first time in my life, I was completely on my own. In 2006, I rarely left the house. I wouldn't make a phone call, and couldn't go shopping. Michelle did all that for me, taking care of the things that caused me the most trouble. Her leaving took away the support, but it also took away the crutch. It was really hard on me, but it gave me the push I needed to really start to make progress on myself. I tied up loose ends. I came to terms with the spiritual jumble I'd been fighting with for 30 years. I figured out the truth about what my father had done (it wasn't until he was dead that I was able to actually see him for what he really was.) I learned how to accept that I was fundamentally different from most people as opposed to thinking of myself as flawed. I learned how to function in my own way, to go out and do the things that needed to be done. Finally, in my middle and late 30s, I finsihed becoming an adult. 20 years too late, but better than never. I'm not 100% yet (and may never be), but the end is in sight, and I know how to get there.

That brings me to the point of this thread (for those of you that are still reading.) The Project. I'm 38 now. I've been on disability for close to nine years. I'm thankful for it, knowing that in almost any other time or place I'd have been living (or dead) in some ditch. Still, it's not a good way to live your life. I'm stuck at well below the poverty line. I have no options for advancement, for a promotion, or for a raise. I won't even get into the dread of the, 'So, what do you do?' question. I've been alone for five years, ever since the divorce. Dating isn't going to happen, not when I'm in this situation. The loneliness gets overwhelming at times. I can't make my life better than it is, which pushes a person toward a sense of resigned hopelessness that is about as bad of a feeling as you can get.

A lot of people see being on disability as some sort of free paradise. It isn't. It is a miserable way to live. What's worse, you're under constant threat. Every now and then, my case comes up for review - normally every four years. A month of paperwork, doctor's reports, and interviews ends with someone who doesn't know me deciding whether I'm still disabled. If they decide 'yes', then life goes on. If they decide 'no', then I've got a month, two at most, before I'm out on the street, and that's literal. My income would just be turned off like a lightswitch, and I'd have to find work with enough of an income to support a family of three within a few weeks, or I'd lose my apartment and I'd lose my kids. Finding work is hard for anyone, and for someone coming off of a decade of disability? I'm unemployable. It is a virtual sword of Damocles, except that there is an invisible hand with a pair of scissors flitting around the room.

My disability review was two months ago. Just a few weeks ago they said 'yes.' Life goes on.

In four years, I'll be up for review again. I plan to tell them, 'No thanks.'

That means that I have about three years. After that, I need to be ready to step back into society and survive. In that time, I need to finish getting myself put back together, and get the rest of the skills I'm lacking in order. That's a matter for me to deal with, and it is something I believe I can do. Four years ago on my last review, I couldn't say that.

It also means that I have about three years to repair as much of the damage to my life as I can. I'm talking debt, health, credit, work history and all the other practical things that twelve years of depression and anxiety folowed by twelve years of disabilty can do. I need to replace a lot of bad habits that helped me survive the stress before disability with productive ones that will improve my life. It means that I have three years to not only come up with a plan for moving from unemployable to working, but to execute that plan.

I can't screw it up. I'm 38. That means that this all come to fruition when I'm about 42 or 43, which is a hard enough age to restart one's life. If I'm not ready and get four more years, I'd be 46 or 47, which way too many potential employers would round up to 50. Plus, to be honest with you, I'd rather be doing something respectable before my kids are in high school, not after they graduate. If I think I'm ready, but am not, then I'll be giving up my disability and will be putting myself on the street - cutting the thread on the sword myself. This is my last (maybe even first?) chance to turn my life around. One shot at either being someone worthy of respect and dignity, or else being the guy people pity.

So, for the next little while, I have a lot of work to do. I have several areas of my life that I need to figure out how to fix and make real progress on. Many of them are areas that have been damaged or neglected for years. Many of them are subjects I don't know the first thing about, and don't even know where to start looking. I'll be asking for a lot of advice here. That's one of the reasons for this thread - to provide an explanation I can link back to without sabotaging any requests for advice with a wall of text.

Thanks for reading.

[WPD]

Good luck sir.

[Anonymous Bosch]

Wow, that sounds like a mighty tough row to hoe. Best of luck to you in your endeavours.

[Freezer-TPF-]

I applaud your decision. I'm sure it will be a difficult road and each step will be painful, but keep thinking about how good each progressive achievement will feel. Expect that you will have some setbacks--the important thing is not to let them derail you completely. Good luck and we'll be here for you.

[Isgrimnur]

I won't say 'good luck' because it sounds like a send-off.

You want help? We're here. A lot of us have had our dark days and needed some help getting out of them. This place has been a refuge for me and others. I'm proud of our little corner of the Internet.

So bring it on. Lean on us when you need it. Server availability notwithstanding, we'll be here.

[silverjon]

I know you live in a not-large community. What kinds of options do you have for doing volunteer work that uses skills you can put on a resume? It doesn't have to be services that your organization of choice currently knows they're looking for. If you make the offer to do a project of your own devising for them, they might jump on it. Then you just need to be able to follow through.

This stems from finding the answer to "what are you good at?". You know what you can do, but you need a way of showing others (employer-types) that you can do these things without a work history to prove it. If getting paid for your time and labour isn't so much of a concern for a few years, you can give away your efforts for experience, references, and networking.

[The Meal]

In many ways I've felt like you and I are kindred spirits in terms of our core beings. I got dealt a better hand in terms of environment, but there are so many observations you make that I nod along with, so many statements you make about yourself that I completely understand. I function within society though at times it feels like its a just-barely situation (more often than not, I don't think about it which probably implies that I'm doing okay). I gravitated to a career where missing out on certain cues and having an obsessive compulsion and focus on tasks is considered a positive attribute, and I'm fortunate to have done so.

I'm not the best example to follow, but I feel as if I can operate as the Black Hawk missing link or Rosetta Stone. I do not shy away from private conversation if that is more comfortable (though I do understand hesitance in initiating that conversation). I don't have any grand proclamations or stone tablets to provide from the top of the mountain, but I'm willing to be a conversation partner. Hit me up.

And best luck to you. There's a better path within your grasp, it's your creativity and intelligence (along with the spark of the cOOmmunity, perchance) which will unlock its guideposts.

[Grifman]

I think to reinvent yourself, you're going to have to go back to school and either update your skills or develop new ones. Right now I'd say your almost unemployable with no recent work history, no recent experience. Figure out what you want to do, what you think you can do, and then seek the necessary education. Without that, I don't think you'll be successful with your reboot.

[Mr Bubbles]

Good luck. Having that goal is a big step and while it isn't fully action yet, the realization that you need to move on is a huge step psychologically.

[Blackhawk]

I think to reinvent yourself, you're going to have to go back to school and either update your skills or develop new ones.

Yeah, that's one of the upcoming threads.

As to volunteer work and so forth, I have to be very, very careful. You can work on disability, but they can also take it as evidence that you're cured, and can even initiate an early review. I really do need to take the next few years to get ready. Having them spring it on me in one would be bad.

[Matrix]

Damn, tough stuff.

But at same time you have a lot of freedom on what field to focus. If i were you, i would focus on inline marketing field. Thats one field that has very low unemployment ratio and hires the most, this past year online sales grew 15% from year before. The biggest plus, there are lots of blogs that you can learn on your own. College programs are still behind about online marketing, therefore company will hire anyone who they think has potential. I have recommended this approach to few of my friends who didn't have a job, and one of them followed through on it and got a job in literally a month with zero experience. Now he holds 3 licenses in that field. Read blogs for few month, start your own, and once you know more than the average person (which is really easy) you will be swooped up in no time.

[Blackhawk]

Good luck. Having that goal is a big step and while it isn't fully action yet, the realization that you need to move on is a huge step psychologically.

That realization and this decision came quite some time ago. It is what kept me going after my divorce when I really, desperately wanted to give up. I've just had to wait until things were far enough along to take the next step.

[Lassr]

I assume you cannot hold any job while on disability? It would be nice if they could let you start in a part time job to ease you back into the work world as a part of your rehabilitation. Baby steps.

As others have said we are here for you whenever you need us.

Good Luck!

well, I see you answered my question above.

[Smoove_B]

As to volunteer work and so forth, I have to be very, very careful. You can work on disability, but they can also take it as evidence that you're cured, and can even initiate an early review. I really do need to take the next few years to get ready. Having them spring it on me in one would be bad.

That's why you should be working with a mental-health professional in some capacity -- someone that can substantiate your various conditions for anyone looking to doubt you as well as make official recommendations that you start taking steps towards improving on your social / work / etc... skills by volunteering or doing something similar.

You're not alone during this ~3 year trek so make sure you use every single resource available to you. When I had professional contact with various social service agencies I'd absolutely see situations where individuals were able to turn things around - you'd have to have a soulless cretin of a caseworker that wouldn't be happy for you in that situation.

[Odin]

Kudos to you, Blackhawk. That's a very impressive goal to set for yourself, and one that's bound to change your life in various positive ways.

FWIW, you project yourself on the internet with much more aplomb and decorum (and far better grammar) than probably 70-80% of the rest of the world, including a lot of people with "normal" upbringings, a good, consistent education, and no autism.

[Scuzz]

A lot of work, but it is all for the good and all for your benefit. Good luck with it sir.

[GreenGoo]

I'll just send some positive vibes along (as many as I can spare anyway ) and hope that helps.

And I'll pass along something that is happening in my life right now that may make you smile, frown or possibly shrug.

You might recall that my son (1 of 3 children) has been diagnosted with PDD/NOS. We are in the middle of fighting tooth and nail with the school board for all the support we can get for him (which is an ABSOLUTE CRAP TON LOAD amount. Welcome to the land of socialism). We are VERY mindful of what the future might hold for him, and are doing all we can to love and support him, to help him become a fully functional, happy, self actualized individual integrated with society. He attends physical therapy to help with his motor skills (which also help his behavioural issues as his coordination improves. Less frustration = less autistic behaviour) and a psychologist who monitors his progress. Both of which are currently out of our pocket (we are still looking to see what insurance will cover, if any of it).

He has a brother who understands (as best an 7 year old can) and a younger sister who doesn't (and picks on him, but loves him too). He may have one of the best (at least most conscientious) kindergarten teachers ever. Everything you lacked blackhawk, we are providing him in spades. He's getting the best support and all the love we can give him. The rest is up to him. We fully expect him to live as normal a life as possible. University, marriage, career, children. All the expectations we have for his brother and sister, we have for him as well. He has a college fund right along side his siblings. He has a stable (if not always super happy smiley land) home life with 2 well employed parents, and has lived in the same house (and room!) since he was born, which is owned by his parents.

My point is, as terrible as your childhood and years after have been (and I agree it must have been brutal. My sympathies), I and my wife are doing everything in our power to give our son a normal and supportive upbringing. So at least some people are not being left out on a limb.

We are also very, very lucky. Which surprises me that I feel that way, as I was sure I would curse the fates if one of my kids had major issues. But I feel very lucky. His autism is extremely mild. Co-ordination. Ticks. Stimming. Social ineptitude. But he's in there, and he comes out every once in awhile to make sure we don't forget. Plus he may be the funniest kid I've ever met. We are very lucky that his issues can be overcome with a lot of hardwork. For that I am grateful.

[El Guapo]

Good luck. It definitely sounds like you're making the right decision, especially given the Sword of Damocles. Like others have said, let us know if we can help.

[Remus West]

As noted, we will be here if you need us.

[AWS260]

To have come through everything you have, and be thinking and planning for the future, is pretty damn inspiring. With time and friends on your side, I have no doubt you'll come up with a workable plan.

And if that doesn't work out, run for Congress.

[Kraken]

I can't add much that hasn't already been said except some very general advice. When confronted with a seemingly impossible task (like changing your life), break it into small pieces (like changing specific behaviors) and tackle the easy ones first. The confidence you gain from each small success will make the next challenge seem more achievable.

[Zaxxon]

To have come through everything you have, and be thinking and planning for the future, is pretty damn inspiring. With time and friends on your side, I have no doubt you'll come up with a workable plan.

Ditto that.

FWIW, you project yourself on the internet with much more aplomb and decorum (and far better grammar) than probably 70-80% of the rest of the world, including a lot of people with "normal" upbringings, a good, consistent education, and no autism.

Roger. When we worked together many moons ago, you were very good to work with--high-quality writing, always on-time, took the initiative in place of lagging co-workers more than once... Had you not told me about your situation, I'd never have picked up on it from your work. What I'm getting at is that I have no doubt that you'll be able to put your mind to choosing a particular field in which to get a job, then knocking it out of the park once you're employed again. I bring this up because I imagine that your journey to that point will be trying, and I hope that you can keep in mind that there are folks out here who know that your end-game goal is within your grasp.

Best of luck, and as others say--we're here for you.

[dbt1949]

How does one fit back into normal society when you've had issues with that for years? When you find out let me know.
Personally I'm fairly happy with my station in life.
I think the best bet would be to start a business of one's own. Something your interested in. Gunsmithing maybe?

[GreenGoo]

I can't add much that hasn't already been said except some very general advice. When confronted with a seemingly impossible task (like changing your life), break it into small pieces (like changing specific behaviors) and tackle the easy ones first. The confidence you gain from each small success will make the next challenge seem more achievable.

This. I am highly intimidated by large projects, but break them up into small ones and I get there eventually. I like the MMO example. I don't set out to grind for 200 hours to get my Robe and Wizard's Hat, because just looking at that 200 hour number would make me quit. Yet I still end up with my gear somehow.

[El Guapo]

I guess there's the possibility of work from home stuff. Though I imagine you'd need to be very careful about stuff along those lines that could be scams.

[Chaosraven]

My grandfather once told me "figure out what you like to do and find someone to pay you to do it."

Now, I haven't lived up to that ideal, wandering to and fro in the steel industry, and am finally examining what it requires to run a Game Store, as my previous employment was 70hr work weeks. I have built up some decent feedback on ebay in the hopes that my project will consist of some small storefront to sit down and teach kids games and support the endeavor with online sales (making a sales target), but still need to examine the costs and what it would require.

My situation was the other end of the spectrum, with golden handcuffs of overtime but no free time to look into it. I have umemployment and subpay setting me up until the end of the year (if the company doesn't call me back from layoff), but need to figure out my future from that point.

And if kenetickid can get a job, I have hopes for you

[Anonymous Bosch]

Another idea that might work for you would be to start a small business of your own. There is plenty of freely available help and support (including mentoring) from organizations like SCORE.

[LordMortis]

Three years is a lot of time if you have time to give. I wish you the best. I can't begin to know what you are going through but as someone with large (and getting larger) anxiety problems that may or may not influence seriously low motivation problems I can offer what helps me.

Define larger goals.
Break the larger goals into a lot of smaller goals.
Write the tiny manageable and accomplishable bite sized goals down.
Modify them and add to them as necessary. Don't make so many at any time as to make them feel insurmountable.
Track your goals as you complete them.

Make your success into a continuum sort of game of accomplishment that you can progressively win. You get to feel progress and see progress and feel better and when doubt and anxiety bite at you then you can go over your progress.

Don't stop once you've started. I can remember becoming a commmunications minor to get over my anxiety of people. After several years I made some pretty damned good (if continually and completely exhausting) headway. The only thing for me is that once I exited the idea of teaching, I also exited the idea of communicating a lot and the anxiety that I learned to lock away took over again.

I don't know where you want to go but you hang out on computers, so maybe looking in to how to get into a helpdesk postion might be a good place to start looking. From there you can work toward an upwardly mobile IT position that is more isolated and suited to someone subject to anxiety.

I feel for you. When I'm away from work for a few days I feel anxious about going back. When I do work outside I feel anxious about even seeing my nieghbors whom I don't really know. When I get into crowds... say of five people or so I'm quickly exhausted and don't feel much like being there. Everything becomes a serious chore but the chore can be done.

I saw mention of a case worker. Do you have one? That sounds like an excellent place to start if that's a resource available to you. I assume they'd want to help you help yourself without endangering your three year net. But it's not something I'm even remotely familiar with.

Again I feel for you. My best to you and yours.

[Skinypupy]

I can't add much that hasn't already been said except some very general advice. When confronted with a seemingly impossible task (like changing your life), break it into small pieces (like changing specific behaviors) and tackle the easy ones first. The confidence you gain from each small success will make the next challenge seem more achievable.

Just wanted to add a +1 to this. I imagine that tackling something this massive could easily become overwhelming if you don't break it up into manageable bits. They don't have to be huge leaps...baby steps work wonders when trying to change your life.

There's an incredible amount of knowledge, talent, and compassion here at OO. Please don't hesitate to tap into it.

[Brian]

My hat's off to you good sir and I wish you success.

[Exodor]

As noted, we will be here if you need us.

Yep. We're ready and willing to help - just tell us how.


You mentioned in the thread about your car that your primary PC crapped out - is it still down?

Let us know.

[Blackhawk]

You mentioned in the thread about your car that your primary PC crapped out - is it still down?

I got lucky on both. The car was the cheapest possible option, and the PC seems to have actually been a failing UPS.

I'm not sure what folks mean by 'case worker'. I've been seeing a (series of) therapists almost non-stop since I applied for disability.

As for breaking things up into manageable chunks - I'm an obsessive organizer. Planning is what I do best. I've had The Project broken up into rough categories, subcategories, and actionable tertiary categories for a while now.

Thanks for the support thus far. This is mainly meant as informative. The real requests for help will be showing up in the coming months as I work out the specific goals and methods for each thing I need to fix.

[Grundbegriff]

As for breaking things up into manageable chunks - I'm an obsessive organizer. Planning is what I do best. I've had The Project broken up into rough categories, subcategories, and actionable tertiary categories for a while now.

I hope you're using Workflowy!

Never stop seeking to sculpt yourself.

[Smoove_B]

I'm not sure what folks mean by 'case worker'. I've been seeing a (series of) therapists almost non-stop since I applied for disability.

I mentioned it as I didn't know if you had some type of public advocate that was coordinating or linking you up with various of services, for example, a therapist. If that's already been done, then maybe that's all a "case worker" would do in your state if that's the only public benefit you're applying for. In my experience people on disability might also be hooked into other services (financial aid, meals on wheels, etc...) and a "case worker" would be involved in coordinating those things.

[Chesspieceface]

We chatted last year when I was sorting some of my shit out... you helped me. I've had it a lot easier than you and I have no children counting on me. But as I fight to develop my own 20 year lost social skills and sit on the brink of never being employable or insurable again, I can definitely relate. Whatever you need, just ask. seriously.

[Madmarcus]

I fear that I can not add much as my life is golden when put beside yours but you have my thoughts and best wishes.

[Enough]

I fear that I can not add much as my life is golden when put beside yours but you have my thoughts and best wishes.

Bingo. Definitely here to root on, send positive energy and talk if you need it.

[Blackhawk]

Whatever you need, just ask. seriously.

Beer.

[$iljanus]

If u are in the DC area we can make that happen. And if you ever take your kids on a dc trip i'd be happy to play tour guide.

-Yeah this is sent through that Tapatalk thing.

[Blackhawk]

My mother died when I was eight. My father 'raised' me afterwards, but had never wanted a child and had no idea how to be a parent. Instead of learning or getting help, he just never bothered to try. My father was a liar, a gambling addict, a thief, and a con man.

I figured out the truth about what my father had done (it wasn't until he was dead that I was able to actually see him for what he really was.)

I cross-posted this to my facebook account so a couple of old friends could see it. I just heard from my half-sister (who was already grown and married by the time I was born.)

Spoiler:

:shock:

She told me that, just after my mother died, my father offered to sell me to her.

I was pissed off at him before. Now I think I need to go remove the last picture of him from the wall.