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Wife in hospital..stroke

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Unagi
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Unagi » Tue Feb 05, 2019 6:03 pm

Asharak wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 4:31 pm
Blackhawk wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 4:16 pm
Wisdom
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by MHS » Tue Feb 05, 2019 8:06 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:05 pm
Not ignoring advice but I have no use for a counselor...
Saying this IS ignoring the advice. The beauty of a counselor is you can say all the things you're typing here, but the counselor will be completely non-judgmental and is trained with how to actually help rather than just empathize. We can listen, but we're not trained to understand and/or help, and we certainly can't all be non-judgmental. Most of us manage to run our households and pay our bills while working 50-60 hours a week, some while handling sick kids, sick parents, or our own aging and illnesses, so listening to you say you can't do these things while not having to juggle work and kids and commutes is eventually going to bring out that judgemental side. No one wants to be the one kicking the guy who just lost his wife, but at some point, people will need to tune out for their own mental health, or before they say something they'll regret. You need a counselor. We can't be your sole source of listening and/or advice. It won't end well.
Last edited by MHS on Wed Feb 06, 2019 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:07 pm

Im going to give up trying to be better. Im just going to be me and concentrate on the stuff Im doing. If I get better fine if not fine. Pushing on it isn't doing anything and really isn't helping me. I need a lot more time.

I plan to join a place near me that helps those in need both with food and clothing and with counseling and spiritual help. Ill see what I end up using. Im also going to try and stop posting much. It helped and you guys helped. But its not helping now I dont think. Not upset just its been a month and Im still where I was nearly. Im not going to get over this. Counseling or not.

Theres a hole there and half my life is gone..I cant fill or replace that.....I cant fix it...so it is what it is...maybe thats best
I am tired of pain though..physical and mental. My side and my back/hip are not giving up. I can barely walk. Sitting at a red light I have to use my hand and arm to hold my leg on the brake. I have found a chiropractor that will take medicare and my QMB so maybe it wont cost me anything. Too busy this week. Its robbing my sleep but Im just busy.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Alefroth » Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:22 pm

You need to stop driving if you can't do it safely. Endangering others is not cool.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:24 pm

No one in danger and I have to do stuff. Its just me.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:41 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:07 pm
Not upset just its been a month and Im still where I was nearly. Im not going to get over this. Counseling or not.
Ok, now I'm going to be blunt.

Your wife dying was a horrible tragedy that happened to you.

But if that's your attitude, going forward from here, the misery you feel isn't something that is happening to you. It is something you are choosing; something that you are doing to yourself. You have a choice to stop the emotional pain, stop the misery, stop the depression, and become happy. You have that control. You have that power.

It is up to you.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by pr0ner » Tue Feb 05, 2019 10:11 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:24 pm
No one in danger and I have to do stuff. Its just me.
Dude. What's gonna happen when you can't keep the car stopped and you hit another car or another person?
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Unagi » Wed Feb 06, 2019 12:57 am

Daehawk wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 9:24 pm
No one in danger and I have to do stuff. Its just me.
How can you say that no one else is in danger?
Seriously here. You DO NOT want to be responsible for hurting someone, or worse.


Also, i will point out that you have most certainly changed in this last month. It's slow but it's happening.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by gbasden » Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:34 am

stessier wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 4:33 pm
Daehawk wrote:
Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:05 pm
Not ignoring advice but I have no use for a counselor
I'm not sure if one more ethereal opinion will make the difference, but you are the poster child for someone who would benefit from a counselor.
Absolutely agreed.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Z-Corn » Wed Feb 06, 2019 11:25 am

MHS wrote:
Tue Feb 05, 2019 8:06 pm
Daehawk wrote:
Mon Feb 04, 2019 5:05 pm
Not ignoring advice but I have no use for a counselor...
Saying this IS ignoring the advice. The beauty of a counselor is you can say all the things you're typing here, but the counselor will be completely non-judgmental and is trained with how to actually help rather than just empathize. We can listen, but we're not trained to understand and/or help, and we certainly can't all be non-judgmental. Most of us manage to run our households and pay our bills while working 50-60 hours a week, some while handling sick kids, sick parents, or our own aging and illnesses, so listening to you say you can't do these things while not having to juggle work and kids and commutes is going to eventually going to bring out that judgemental side. No one wants to be the one kicking the guy who just lost his wife, but at some point, people will need to tune out for their own mental health, or before they say something they'll regret. You need a counselor. We can't be your sole source of listening and/or advice. It won't end well.
This is really well stated and sums up my position. It's a shame that it is falling on deaf ears but if that is his decision all anybody can be expected to do is <shrug>.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Feb 09, 2019 7:51 pm

Been avoiding the thread but with Valentines Day coming up I felt I need to write this out . Maybe it will help.

This Thursday is Valentines and it will be the first one Ive spent without Donna and alone in 31 years. I never spent one with anyone else. I was 18 when I met Donna. Im worried it will be a very difficult day. I may be wrong and it be kind to me. But I doubt it as thinking of it now is worrying me. It was one of our favorite holidays. Our love was so large and strong that celebrating Valentines was very special to us. Until recently due to health and money we never missed it. We'd get each other a special card to surprise the other with and hand write our own little note of love in it. Id get her chocolates and she or I or both of us would pick her out a little stuffed animal that was cute. Somewhere around here is a Valentines card from around 1995 that when opened says in her recorded voice "I love you Brian, Happy Valentines Day" in a sweet way. Doubt it works now...and no idea where it is off hand.

I bought a candle to light for her and us on Thursday. I picked it due to the scent. Its like one she would love. When I looked at the name of the scent its called Angel Whispers. That touched my heart and let me know Id picked the right one. I get little signs like that. I take them as that. Its all Ive got.

Over the last year we skipped most things....Birthdays, Christmas.....even missed or skipped our anniversaries...marriage and meeting each other. We would have skipped Thanksgiving too if someone had not bought us a dinner. She stood there in the store with me and got it. She was feeling bad then. I sit and worry about us not doing stuff and it affecting the end. I know it did not. I remember her saying stuff like its ok. We get by. We love each other. Its ok. Or she would say we'll do something next year or something.

I know about all she would say to me or did. Nothing is helping me Im afraid. Im still dead inside. Maybe another month...or year. I did play Division 2 beta and the Apex Legends game today. A few times each. May again. Thats new. When I play Im kinda just watching stuff happen on screen and Im pushing buttons. Thats the extent of it really. I did get mad at Apex today lol. I think about those and games when Im not at the PC. But thats a lot like I was when i was low or out of my pain meds for the last few years.

Maybe on valentines day God will let Donna watch over me a bit more. Keep me sane. Make me smile somehow. This day in day out oppressive heaviness is wearing on me. The loss is not getting better to handle. I think Im going to need a lot more time. A lot more. I cannot lay aside 31 years...my entire adult life...in the span of a month. Maybe not a year. It may be 31 years or never...if I am forced to live that long. One day I will be ok. I cant live forever. One day.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:27 pm

More of a random randomness but Ill put it here.

I find it a little strange that this year there wont be any of those little candy Sweethearts conversation hearts with the sayings on them this year but they'll be back next year. Donna is gone and so are the little candies we had fun with. They've been around forever but Donna dies so do the candies for the one year.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by JSHAW » Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:36 pm

I recently saw a story about the candy hearts and that the company that made them went out of business and the company that bought them thought they didn't have enough time to generate enough this year for valentines day so they decided not to make any.

I told my wife the story, she went to Walgreen's and bought a big bag of them from Brach's, tasted and looked like the original ones.
Was happy to get them, destroyed the whole bag in 1 day.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:11 pm

Lol. Im not sure I even knew who made them.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by stessier » Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:22 am

Necco
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Mon Feb 11, 2019 11:24 am

JSHAW wrote:
Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:36 pm
Brach's
There's a whole line from them, apparently.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Tue Feb 12, 2019 7:03 pm

I want to spend Valentines with my wife :(

Today has been one big cry. Its rained all day and all I see here reminds me of Donna being here. It was us vs the world. Now Im alone totally. Ive decided to just be as I am each day and see what comes. Im not changing and no one can make me or help me do it. Ill cry all I do and grieve and miss my wife. I will be who I am now. All I love, want, need, miss is Donna. I love our little dogs and such. He is asleep in my lap.

Id do about anything to have Donna back or be with her. But I wouldn't hurt the little dog or a kid or anything innocent. Id give all of myself though. Id kill a murderer if I saw them do it. But not just anything. And Id never wish her back from Heaven if she didn't wish to be with me..even for a minute. The one thing Donna would probably want me to do...live and be happy...is what I do not want to do at all.

I want to spend Valentines Day with my wife :(
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Holman » Tue Feb 12, 2019 9:24 pm

You're grieving, Daehawk. That's good and natural.

But it's possible for grief to damage you. Would Donna have wanted that?

I don't know your intimate situation, but it sounds like you're trying to handle this all on your own. People just aren't made for that. If you'll accept a suggestion, I say you need help from others who are going or have gone through similar pain.

Help doesn't have to cost money. There are probably groups and services available. Please look into resources for those dealing with loss. Calling the hospital would allow them to tell you about what's nearby for you.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:44 am

This is what I did for Valentines Day 2019. As I said I bought a candle to light for her today. When I got home I found it was scented Angel Whispers. I took that as a sign. I laid our wedding rings on the middle pic. I was shaving my head then :) She liked it but I only did that about a year. 2008.

This would have been our 31st Valentines together. I miss my baby SO much. I love you honey. Happy Valentine's Day. Maybe she is with me. If she can be I know she is.

Enlarge Image
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:05 pm

D -

So far we've seen waves of the shock, anger and denial stages of grief. You are currently emoting a lot of bargaining stage. You will definitely benefit from getting some counseling and support in negotiating these stages. you will be heading into depression stage next - and that one can be pretty long and tough.

If you are not interested in counseling (and I wouldn't be either) - then maybe you are a person who would benefit most from a support group. I would particularly suggest a group for widows and widowers. That's where you will most likely find people with experiences that most parallel your own. There would be comfort in the company of others who deeply understand your experiences.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:21 pm

And to be clear, no one is trying to have you "get over" the loss of your wife or forget about her in any capacity. Instead, you'd be interacting with people that can relate. In the same way that we can all relate to a BSOD or trying to configure Fallout 3 with 37 concurrent modes, there are likely groups of people in your area that can relate to loss. You're not alone (despite how you feel) so try to find solace with others where you can.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:29 pm

On one sides having people to talk to would be nice. On the other its all new strangers plus I dont want to put up with fooling with others. Dont have the time or energy to go out or have calls. All we needed was each other. Im still trying to deal. I had appointments yesterday and then my sister kept me out looking in the thrift store. Where me and Donna went. Everywhere is where me and Donna went. Its tough a lot of times. I see her everywhere,. She once said if something happened to her I would...and I do. If I got to a fast food place I sit where we sat but in her spot. It helps..and it doesn't. Working on it all still. But ya never going to be over this ever. Just depends on how bad it stays. But I dont need more real life people to fool with. I dont think. Cause I do feel so alone sometimes. And I am. But I need Donna not strangers. And Donna is not going to return as before.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:34 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:29 pm
And Donna is not going to return as before.
:shifty:
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Cylus Maxii » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:52 pm

D - support groups tend to meet in public spaces like community centers, hospitals, churches or schools. They are not social groups purposed for making friends and dating. They are about mutual support. If you don't want to get calls with people checking to see if you are doing OK, I'm sure they would understand. They will not pick you apart and force you to progress any faster than is natural for you. At the very least, go check one out and experience it for yourself. Or do yourself a favor and check out a couple of them - they will have different vibes. You might find that the experience will sharpen your memories of Donna and help you to clarify and hold onto them over time. Relating to others over similar experiences both in love and loss may forge new memory links that will actually help you to hold onto the best stuff in the best way.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:59 pm

I meant she could be here in spirit. I hope she knows how much I love her.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Xmann » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:28 pm

I help coordinate a support group for patients and families that are dealing with strokes and other life altering medical conditions.

I have individuals regularly tell me how much it has helped them cope with a devastated illness by sitting and listening to someone that has experienced similar tragedies.

Daehawk- a support group would more than likely help you deal with your grief. Simply hearing someone share the same feelings and struggles you are dealing with can help you cope. No need to worry about making friends or feeling responsible to a group. It's simply for support.

I really think you should look into what's available in your neck of the woods. You need not try to do this alone.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Isgrimnur » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:32 pm

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:49 pm

Well theres a local help place for food, clothing, and spirit. My sister has been steering me that way. I may ask them for info sometime.

I added some flowers to the memorial. Soon it will be time to blow out the candle, put the photos back in their places, and the flowers now..Im not sure. Maybe put in water until time to book them...or maybe toss..who knows. Will be hard anyways.

I also found out by mail I have to get a new drivers license by my birthday in May...pic and all. I got this one in 2014. I had long hair then. My wife got hers in 2015. We drove to the next county and a little courthouse there to get them .Always fast and no one there. Ill do the same. But Im scared a bit. Its a little drive...maybe 20 min or so....and Ive always been with her. We'd make it a fun trip by eating there at a little country restaurant or going to the winery or fresh veggie farm. We were together . It didn't matter where we went or what we did as long as we were together. Now Im worried. I think Ive talked my sister into going in April to do it. We'll do that then go by the family cemetery and maybe eat at that little country place me and Donna loved. It wont be the same. If I cry my eyes out it sure will make a memorable picture though.

I remember being there at the trustee in 2015 like yesterday. Happy and sad memories are all Ive got. I dont think Ill ever simply see them as happy again.

Enlarge Image
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Z-Corn » Thu Feb 14, 2019 6:44 pm

Maybe in participating in a support group you could help somebody else going through their own pain?

Might be a good way to pay back and pay forward for all the help and consideration you have received?

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Fri Feb 15, 2019 12:40 pm

I miss my wife! :(
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Sat Feb 16, 2019 5:05 pm

Yesterday I looked forward to today. I was staying home. I wanted to play a game. I thought I could have a better day. But no. I cant . Today has been worse than most other days. Full of sadness and crying. I did try to game just now. Ended up cussing and taking the Lords name in vain. That really is only putting me further from Donna. I think the longer Im here without her the more Im going to simply fuck up. Im sick of it all. Had to find the umbrella for next week. Massive rain all week. 8" or so. I found the big one I got her that she didn't like because it was too big for her little self. Then saw her little broken one she still used because it was small and automatic. I know her little hand...her little paw....held that handle. It made me cry. Everything makes me cry. Every memory every item..cry cry cry all day long Im here. Sometimes In town I cry..especially on the way home. I dont fit here without her.

EDIT: More of my mind. I already know things to do. Not seeking advice. Just putting thoughts to words. One day I may look back and shake my head. Or not..might just nod.

Crying more. Tried to watch tv. Came across two things me and Donna watched and loved. Twister from 1996. We saw it in theaters. Still recall the cow flying by. We then watched it over the years on tv and such. I swear Donna watched it about 2 years ago. But then I see Ratatouille from 2007 was on. OMG. We saw it on tv or Amazon or something. this was when it was already just us left alive. We loved it. She really loved the characters. We got her a Remi and Emile plush pair. They are so cute. She loved them. Seeing it on I knew it would both hurt me and make me smile. It did. All my memories I get are sweet loving fun memories. But experiencing these memories of things like the show now without her break my heart too because she isn't her to see it with me. To laugh or talk about it with me. To make new memories ever again. When the part where the food critic tastes the food and it takes him back I instantly thought if only I could go back Id change what we did. Id fix Donna or save her somehow. I know its a what if. I know I cant. But as soon as I thought it I broke out crying yet again. I seem to be one big baby now. Its my new life.

Just thoughts..all day every day I have these thoughts. Getting overwhelmed at times. Other times I feel ok. And that makes me feel bad. Not asking to analysis. Just writing.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Mon Feb 18, 2019 3:23 pm

I see this thread as I scan the threads for new stuff. I see the date Sat Dec 29 2018. I want to go back. My wife and soulmate was alive.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by JSHAW » Tue Feb 19, 2019 5:40 pm

"Time is the fire in which we burn"

Time waits for no one, it always moves forward, it always moves on, you cannot go backwards.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Feb 20, 2019 8:00 pm

Every day still brings sadness and cries. Some more than others. Some bigger than others. Some a little less. Some places I still cant make myself return to. I also need to pay off my pain doctors and go to a couple places me and Donna went to on that same day because they are near there but further from home so might as well. Putting ti off until next month.

I use Google Earth to see places we went and loved. Most times it just makes my chest heavy and me sad.

After posting the pet day thread I realized this is Feb 20th. In 8 days my wife would have her stroke 2 months ago exactly. 6 days later we would have a great day together as she was so much better...then died suddenly that same night. Its killed me. Im done. But I keep going on. Every day...day in day out...all I want is her back or me with her. But Im here still and passing time. Alone.

Right now Ive caught up on most stuff and have to wait until late next month to do anything big. Its cold. Its dark. Its rainy and wet. All bad. I exist. I wait.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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I guess Ray Butts has ate his last pancake.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Blackhawk » Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:07 pm

Daehawk wrote:
Wed Feb 20, 2019 8:00 pm
I use Google Earth to see places we went and loved. Most times it just makes my chest heavy and me sad.

“The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
The doctor says, "Then don't do that!”

― Henny Youngman
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:26 pm

I know. My sister tells me to not do things that hurt me. But I get a little ..just a hair..of joy from stuff. Hurts more I think. But otherwise Im just a blaaaaaaaaah nothing ...other than sadness. Now Ive started worrying about stuff Donna got me over the last few years..keyboard...mice....things that can and will likely break. hate that.

I joked to my sister I should go live in a nursing home so I could break my hip and die. Seems the norm for those places. So many Ive heard of doing that. Even her mother died like that.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Wed Feb 20, 2019 9:53 pm

Can you appreciate how joking about your own death to a family member isn't healthy? There's going to come a time when seeing or remembering things you did with your wife isn't going to be like sticking your finger knuckle deep into a sucking chest-wound, but you're not there yet. From what you've shared, it seems likely that you spent every waking hour with her, so it's only natural that everything you see and do is depressing the ever loving crap out of you even more. This is why it would likely be healthier for you to break those habits and routines and start to develop new ones. Again, no one is saying forget your wife or "get over" this. But while you're wallowing in the "what ifs" and "what was" moments, you're not healing in any capacity. No one expects you to be super happy fun time. But you're still not leaning on family (at least from what you've represented) and you're steadfast in your refusal to go and sit with a grief group. You don't have to share. You don't have to do anything but sit and listen. And perhaps in doing that you'll gain some comfort in hearing that there are others that can relate to everything you're going through. Don't dismiss the value that might have.

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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Daehawk » Wed Feb 20, 2019 10:08 pm

31 years to nothing is hard.
https://www.gofundme.com/please-help-di ... -wife-died ....Help for me to take care of stuff . Wife died Jan 9 2019 after 31 years. My soulmate.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by em2nought » Wed Feb 20, 2019 10:09 pm

Just a thought: The last time you got a driver's license did you have to go through all the produce these documents and receipts to prove you're who you say you are and actually live where you say you live? if not they probably require it by now. You might check on that before you go so you don't make a wasted trip without all your documentation if needed.
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Re: Wife in hospital..stroke

Post by Smoove_B » Wed Feb 20, 2019 10:12 pm

I can't even begin to imagine. I've known my wife since we were in 7th grade. It's not a straight line, but we've been together ~21 years at this point and what you've experienced is completely unthinkable to me. That's why I (and others) keep pushing you to connect with people that can truly empathize with you. They're not going to fix everything by any means. But they can potentially be a healthier outlet for your grief.

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