[Movie] Madame Web

[Smoove_B]

However, I’m still anxiously looking forward to this movie generating something as great as It’s Morbin’ Time.

It's been years and that still makes me giggle.

[hepcat]

[Smoove_B]

They need to make that into a "What If..." cartoon now. I need to see it.

[Blackhawk]

Whose world do I want to see, then?

Hmm... Drax's snap might be fun. Korg.

Ned? Puts on glove, snaps finger, "I'm the guy in the chair!" *90s X-Men music plays*

Nah, Luis. I want to see an entire MCU as defined by Luis.

[Punisher]

Or, since hes going to officially be in the MCU...Deadpool..

[coopasonic]

4) If you include a Billy Eilish song in your trailer, there's a 95 percent chance I'm going to tune out almost immediately.

5) Did I say 95? I meant 100.

Frikkin' old people...

[Pyperkub]

I'd seen some commentary in one of the reviews that she potentially agreed to do it because they pitched it as being part of the MCU. I hope she fires her agents for glossing over the fact that it was a Sony production.

In her defense, I kind of want to see it just because of this article about her pressers!

And though real Dakotaheads will recognize the 2012 Fox sitcom Ben and Kate as the first signal that Johnson was capable of one day ascending to a stunning and consistent level of incidental comedic genius, it wasn’t until the release of Fifty Shades of Grey in 2015 that she began wreaking havoc on press junkets, late-night shows, and generally any unsuspecting party who asked her a question expecting a normal, non-lime-related answer. Opinions on Johnson’s performance in the bizarre Fifty Shades franchise vary, but since then, she’s become one of our nation’s most cherished nepo babies (“platinum grade,” as deemed by New York magazine’s December 2022 cover story) with performances in Suspiria, The Lost Daughter, and The Peanut Butter Falcon, but more importantly in literally every press tour she’s ever done. Because—for the most part—Johnson seems to use her Hollywood privilege for chaotic good by having no awareness, or at least none of the concern that other public figures seem to carry, about telling the exact truth about what she thinks and feels in the exact moment, exactly all of the time.

[Smoove_B]

“You don’t have to know anything about anything at all to watch this movie.”

[hepcat]

4) If you include a Billy Eilish song in your trailer, there's a 95 percent chance I'm going to tune out almost immediately.

5) Did I say 95? I meant 100.

Frikkin' old people...

I know, I know. I shouldn’t make fun of the music that you love.

[Pyperkub]

Well, at least they are consistent...

After her statement, it was pretty obvious for the fans to dig up the history of the writers who worked on the movie and they did. The duo Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless who joined Claire Parker and S.J. Clarkson for writing the script are known for writing scripts of Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt, Power Rangers and Morbius.

Ruined power rangers, made a movie so bad that it was dropped from the cinematic universe it was supposed to be in, made a BORING movie about EGYPTIAN GODS!, and then made MORBIUS AND MADAME WEB!!! How does this guy keep getting jobs?!

— Filmy Maguire (@FilmyMaguire) February 17, 2024

[Moliere]

[hepcat]

[Jaymann]

Lol, Chekhov's CPR class.

[hepcat]

I watched this last night after it showed up on Netflix.

It's...not good.

Dakota Johnson is just not a good actress, in my opinion. I loved the remake of Suspiria that came out a few years ago, and she was the lead. But she worked in that role because her character was supposed to be dead eyed and monotone. But I find it hard to believe she's building a career based on that. I really suspect nepotism is the only thing she has going for her.

Anyway: the movie's story? Oof.

Spoiler:

it's just stupid. Some guy devotes his life to finding a spider, but he feels that after decades of looking for it on his own, he's going to have a better chance with a doctor who just decided to go looking for it to save her daughter? AND she does find it, of course. He then promptly shoots everyone without batting an eye....except for our heroine's mother, who he seems to feel almost badly about doing this to her.

I'd list all the other dumb things about this movie, but we don't have all day...so I'll only list a few:

Why does bad guy recognize Johnson as the daughter of the woman he shot 30 years ago in the jungles of Peru? Why do all the high school kids look almost as old as Johnson? What's with the brief interlude with Game of Thrones travel speeds in which our heroine flies to Peru, finds the location in her mother's photo by holding it up in random spots in the jungles of Peru, eventually DOES find the spot AND is greeted by members of the natives who dress like Spiderman and saved her as a child, has a vision quest with a Peruvian Spiderman, and gets back to New York in what appears to be 24 hours? And finally, why make 3 characters who are supposedly going to be part of the Spiderman franchise the main focus of the movie and never once get into how they become Spiderladies? I suspect they were going to make that the focus of the next film. But good luck getting ANYONE to come near this franchise again. It's toxic at this point.

In short, it doesn't even have a "It's Morbin' Time" going for it. It's the most boring Marvel film I've ever seen. And I'm even including the 70s tv movie version of Captain America.

[Smoove_B]

I made it about 30 minutes into the show last night and was wondering WTF I was thinking. I'm going to finish it, but good grief. It just feels...off.

[hepcat]

Shoving Ben Parker into the movie just pissed me off.

Well...that and the incredibly boring script, bad acting, ridiculous plot holes, bad CGI, a tribe of Peruvian Spidermen (I feel like that should be the start of a joke), the weird obsession with people pressing too hard on burgers on the grill, and the 4 minute CPR lesson that spontaneously appears two thirds of the way through the movie because....spider villain poison?.

But my absolute favorite part? Johnson being able to find the exact location where her mother died in the jungles of Peru by holding up a photograph to every bit of scenery like she was a character in Horizon Dawn.

[Scraper]

Shoving Ben Parker into the movie just pissed me off.

Well...that and the incredibly boring script, bad acting, ridiculous plot holes, bad CGI, a tribe of Peruvian Spidermen (I feel like that should be the start of a joke), the weird obsession with people pressing too hard on burgers on the grill, and the 4 minute CPR lesson that spontaneously appears two thirds of the way through the movie because....spider villain poison?.

But my absolute favorite part? Johnson being able to find the exact location where her mother died in the jungles of Peru by holding up a photograph to every bit of scenery like she was a character in Horizon Dawn.

Seems like a huge wasted opportunity to shove Paste Pot Pete into the movie for a guaranteed hit. I'm still tempted to watch it just to see how bad it really is. I did that with Morbeus and I came away thinking it wasn't that terrible, despite Jared Leto being in the movie. Not saying Morbeus was good, just that it wasn't horrendous.

[hepcat]

It's Morbin' Time makes it a goddamn masterpiece.

[Blackhawk]

So... it's not Webbin' time?

[gilraen]

Dakota Johnson said in an interview that the script changed so many times during filming, the final version has pretty much nothing to do with the movie that she originally signed up for.

[hepcat]

So... it's not Webbin' time?

Deliver that line with all the dead eyed monotone power you can muster, and you'll see why Johnson cannot make even that work.

Dakota Johnson said in an interview that the script changed so many times during filming, the final version has pretty much nothing to do with the movie that she originally signed up for.

I'm doubting it started off as the Citizen Kane of superhero films. I suspect it was crappy to begin with, but when they pulled the van full of money up to her house, she was able to overlook the 4 pages of the script that dealt with how to properly press burgers on the grill and decided to do a Scrooge McDuck money pool dive instead.

[Smoove_B]

The opening scene when she's driving the ambulance...it was either filmed at the end of the project when she'd had enough (and she was just phoning it in) or is that how she is the entire movie?

[hepcat]

She studied at the Perry Como school of Relaxed Acting.

[hepcat]

Side note: if you haven't watched the remake of Suspiria, I highly recommend it. Johnson still sucks as a thespian, but the movie is so damn good you overlook that. It's a genuinely disturbing film.

[Punisher]

Ww saw it and thought it wasn't that horrible.
It was confusing for us at times though.
I think a lot could have been cut and then make the 2nd half or closing 4th of the movie go into how they get their powers and more scenes with them in costume. Could have even been shown in a recognized moment to give it more spider people action.