Getting a Divorce

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 10:01 am

I'm kind of like that with my dil. She captains the boat around here and if I piss her off I get set adrift on a raft.
So I scrub the decks.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:08 am

I haven't responded to this only because I didn't want to steal any focus from your obvious pain, Holman (when you first posted). But I was dying to, since I was/am going through the same thing now with my wife.

Now that I see that things are hopefully on a potential road to recovery for you:
1. I'm so sorry it took this long, or this extreme an action by your wife to wake you up to the problem. I promise you I know the feeling, and it sucks, and a massive gut punch.
2. I'm so happy that things have already turned around and you have at least another chance. As long as you both want it to work AT THE SAME TIME (this is huge), I would think chances of success are high. But will chime in and say it takes actual WORK to stay together as husband and wife for most people, for decades.

So just to share, and maybe I should create a different thread, but I am currently in a situation where my wife has suggested that we separate, that I go stay with my relatives 2h away, and that we are just so far off the page from one another at this point that it doesn't make sense to stay together. Shit, maybe I should create a new thread, but I just hesitate to do so since I rant and ramble so much.

Anyway, legit happy for you that you two seem to be working it out. Feel free to PM me if things get dark, I have probably gone through what you are/were, and more, or currently in the thick of it.

Zaxxon · Post by **Zaxxon** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:28 am

Congrats to OP, and condolences to Mr. Pissr. I hope things go as well as possible for both of you going forward.

Unagi · Post by **Unagi** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:35 am

dbt1949 wrote: Wed Sep 11, 2024 10:01 am I'm kind of like that with my dil. She captains the boat around here and if I piss her off I get set adrift on a raft.
So I scrub the decks.

She captains her boat, is that right?

dbt1949 · Post by **dbt1949** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:51 am

You are absolutely right.Of course I was told a year ago that I would never have to leave but I doubt that would hold up in court.

Skinypupy · Post by **Skinypupy** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 12:30 pm

Carpet_pissr wrote: Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:08 am I haven't responded to this only because I didn't want to steal any focus from your obvious pain, Holman (when you first posted). But I was dying to, since I was/am going through the same thing now with my wife.

Now that I see that things are hopefully on a potential road to recovery for you:
1. I'm so sorry it took this long, or this extreme an action by your wife to wake you up to the problem. I promise you I know the feeling, and it sucks, and a massive gut punch.
2. I'm so happy that things have already turned around and you have at least another chance. As long as you both want it to work AT THE SAME TIME (this is huge), I would think chances of success are high. But will chime in and say it takes actual WORK to stay together as husband and wife for most people, for decades.

So just to share, and maybe I should create a different thread, but I am currently in a situation where my wife has suggested that we separate, that I go stay with my relatives 2h away, and that we are just so far off the page from one another at this point that it doesn't make sense to stay together. Shit, maybe I should create a new thread, but I just hesitate to do so since I rant and ramble so much.

Anyway, legit happy for you that you two seem to be working it out. Feel free to PM me if things get dark, I have probably gone through what you are/were, and more, or currently in the thick of it.

Shit, I'm sorry man. That sounds incredibly difficult.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 12:32 pm

If I've learned nothing else over the last 5+ years its that parts of married life are so much more difficult now (20+ years in) than they were during the first few years.

I guess over time I thought things would get easier (and for some things they did), but there have been challenges and difficulties I never would have imagined.

To the degree I can sympathize with you both (and anyone else struggling), I do. Better days ahead.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 5:38 pm

Carpet_pissr wrote: Wed Sep 11, 2024 11:08 am I haven't responded to this only because I didn't want to steal any focus from your obvious pain, Holman (when you first posted). But I was dying to, since I was/am going through the same thing now with my wife.
[...]

I'm so sorry to hear this, CP.

I'm not very good at advice in this department, obviously. I wish you both all the best for both of you, wherever that leads.

Lassr · Post by **Lassr** » Wed Sep 11, 2024 9:13 pm

Holman wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 9:11 am Well, it has been 24 hours and my wife and I have done a lot of talking. (And not much sleeping.)

I'm happy to say that plans for imminent divorce are on hold. We both want this relationship to work, and we genuinely love each other.

But we have changes to make. For my part, it comes down to the simple-but-monumental task of not taking my wife for granted.

I don't have it in me right now to write a lot, but we can see a future together again. It'll just take work.

Your situation sounds exactly like mine except we got a divorce but got remarried 2 years later. it took the divorce for us to change, maybe you can without the divorce. It takes effort, and getting your self out of your comfort zone.
Rooting for you!

Sudy · Post by **Sudy** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 12:58 pm

I really hope the best for you Holman, I'm sorry for the pain and struggle you're going through... you as well, Cp.

Marriage is definitely a challenge I didn't expect seventeen years ago. I mean I understood the complexities in general, but every relationship is different and one's life rarely goes as one hopes or expects.

stimpy · Post by **stimpy** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:16 pm

Well that de-escalated quickly.......

EvilHomer3k · Post by **EvilHomer3k** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:18 pm

Sorry to hear about this Holman and CP. I hope everything works out for both of you.
Remember to take time for yourself and don't neglect your happiness. Yes, you want to dote on them. You want to spend time with them but it's easy to get completely wrapped up in making sure your partner is happy that you neglect the things that make you happy. This is especially true when faced with the prospect of splitting up. You don't want to neglect them and you want to make up for taking them for granted but don't forget to give them space and to make space for yourself. People need time apart just as much as they need time together.

Blackhawk · Post by **Blackhawk** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:24 pm

EvilHomer3k wrote: Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:18 pm Sorry to hear about this Holman and CP. I hope everything works out for both of you.
Remember to take time for yourself and don't neglect your happiness. Yes, you want to dote on them. You want to spend time with them but it's easy to get completely wrapped up in making sure your partner is happy that you neglect the things that make you happy. This is especially true when faced with the prospect of splitting up. You don't want to neglect them and you want to make up for taking them for granted but don't forget to give them space and to make space for yourself. People need time apart just as much as they need time together.

This is vital advice (and it goes for parenting, too.)

If you're never there for yourself, you'll be in no state to really be there for them. Sometimes being selfish isn't being selfish.

That's the easy part. The hard part is getting the balance right.

Carpet_pissr · Post by **Carpet_pissr** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 4:35 pm

stimpy wrote: Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:16 pm Well that de-escalated quickly.......

Heh! Thankfully before the morning stars, shurikens and tridents came out.

paulbaxter · Post by **paulbaxter** » Thu Sep 12, 2024 5:00 pm

Just catching up here. I'm truly so sorry to hear about all of it. I'll certainly hope and pray for the best for both of you. These issues are among the most painful things we can go through. However things turn out, hang in there. Happy to talk to you privately at any time if you wish. I've certainly been there.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 11:42 am

Here's an update. It's not good news. I hate to post it.

Those of you who have been through the run-up to a separation probably won't be surprised. In the months since September (when I first posted this thread) my wife and I have been working on our marriage, but it apparently has not been enough. A week ago my wife told me that she does want to go ahead and divorce.

I'm not able to talk her out of it a third time. She says the decision has been a few years in the making. I accept this, and I do see where she's coming from. Part of me has known it was coming all this time.

The OP post in this thread pretty much still describes the situation. We've drifted apart, but even my recent months of walking on eggshells and trying to be more present hasn't been able to fill in for years of distancing and emotional drift.

We're going to have a first meeting with a divorce mediator on Monday, not about deciding whether to split but about working out the economic details. My wife makes more money than me, so I might receive some form of alimony. I'll also be bought out of my portion of the house we've shared, as we both agree that she and our young-adult children and her elderly MIL should remain in it for the time being. (I love this house. I expected to die in it.)

I have feelings. I don't think I need to detail them here, and I don't know if I can. It's often said that decent men get the worse experience of a divorce because they lack the strong social networks that women build. I can see that pretty clearly now. I'm reaching out to my friends.

I understand that there's probably no coming back from where we are. I also have questions. The practical ones disturb me most of all because I don't like change. For example, where will I live? Do I even want to stay in Philadelphia?

Politically and economically, it seems like a terrible, terrible time to split up and for me to move out. It's possible that we'll end the marriage but that I'll stay in the house for a not-short time. We're already sleeping in separate rooms.

I'm in the weird position of being the Perfect Ex. With one exception, I'm still friends with all of my exes, and I fully expect to remain friends with my soon-to-be ex-wife. We have two kids together, after all, and we genuinely do care for each other's welfare. I want us both to have good lives.

But how does a 56-year-old start over? Did I ever even start in the first place?

Jaymann · Post by **Jaymann** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 12:02 pm

Bummer, but you will persevere. Also one wonders what the prospects for your wife are at that age with that baggage. If you can find employment elsewhere you may want to consider relocating. Regardless, best of luck.

Zarathud · Post by **Zarathud** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 12:10 pm

Sorry for your situation, that sucks. It is possible to start again and find someone for a new life. I’ve seen it, and negotiated the prenups.

Find something social — dancing, book club, etc. where you will meet people for emotional support and entertainment. If it’s a mixed gender activity, the better. Going out will be a hassle but it’s a better foundation to rebuild than just being alone.

EvilHomer3k · Post by **EvilHomer3k** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 12:45 pm

I'm sorry man. It's a tough situation for everyone. You're going to have to find yourself again and figure things out with the kids. You will get through it and you'll figure things out.

Skinypupy · Post by **Skinypupy** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 12:53 pm

Damn, so sorry Holman. That sounds incredibly difficult.

I wish I had some sort of sage wisdom to share, but I'll just say please know you can reach out to us here to vent.

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 2:43 pm

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out.

Road trip it to Chicago for a board game weekend with the local gang. If nothing else, my ability to blurt out the dumbest things will easily provide you with hours of distraction from any and all personal issues.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 5:32 pm

Thanks, all.

I'm trying to find a way to see this as an opportunity to make big changes. Since I have a fairly good job, the likelihood is that I'll stay here and try to find a decent place to live, perhaps closer to where I work. It's certainly possible to live in Philadelphia without a car.

But I've also actually been looking for job opportunities in places I've lived or wanted to live, just to see. But this would mean making it difficult to see my kids, and I suspect that the looming economy is going to favor hunkering down in place.

hepcat wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2025 2:43 pm Road trip it to Chicago for a board game weekend with the local gang. If nothing else, my ability to blurt out the dumbest things will easily provide you with hours of distraction from any and all personal issues.

I'd take you up on it if it weren't a 14-hour drive!

hepcat · Post by **hepcat** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 5:48 pm

Meet us at Gencon or Origins sometime then!

...which probably means an 11 hour drive, I'm guessing.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 6:02 pm

hepcat wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2025 5:48 pm Meet us at Gencon or Origins sometime then!

...which probably means an 11 hour drive, I'm guessing.

I've been to both, and would love to go again!

And of course Pax Unplugged is right on my bus route.

paulbaxter · Post by **paulbaxter** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 6:19 pm

I'm so sorry. My own divorce went along much the same path, hopeful that counseling would help, but it was really already too late.

Just a thought or two for you.

Expect it to be hard. Loss of a marriage is like grieving over the death of a close family member. If you can, see if you can find a support group of some sort. I did the Divorce Care program and found it very helpful. They have groups all over the place, a little like AA or something.

As you put it yourself, you have to rebuild your life. Think about what sort of person you WANT to be, and start working on that. I would highly recommend taking up some sort of new hobby or something that puts you into contact with new people. New friends can help tremendously with transitional times.

I'll say again, I'm more than happy to chat by pm any time you like. Wouldn't be bothering me at all.

Lassr · Post by **Lassr** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 6:46 pm

Sorry to hear it didn't work.

My first year of being single was first filled with a lot of gaming, I then started going to local establishments that had bands and listen to music. It took a while to start dating and even then it didn't feel right as I really wasn't ready. So, you're friends may/will push you into dating (because they know someone that would you might like) to get your mind off of the divorce, but for me it ended being really uncomfortable, and my one dating experience didn't work because it was unfair to her because I couldn't get fully committed. So take your time and don't feel pressured into doing something if you are not ready.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Sun Feb 02, 2025 6:50 pm

Yeah, I don't think I'll be immediately looking for a new partner. I first need to figure out how to live on my own.

Formix · Post by **Formix** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 4:56 pm

At this risk of hijacking this thread, I am currently going through the same thing with my wife of 22 years.
Are there Sunspots? Pod people?
We have our first couples therapy session this week, but I am not very hopeful. Her language has made it very clear to me that she wants to not be married to me any longer. I remain hopeful that the therapy might change things while being despondent that anything will change the eventual outcome.

Smoove_B · Post by **Smoove_B** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 5:11 pm

No, grey divorce is absolutely a thing. Spending decades with someone is likely a lot more difficult than people imagine and honestly considering how much a person can change between their 20s and their 50s, I'm honestly surprised it doesn't happen more than it does.

In all cases I can see (and understand) why sometimes it just doesn't make sense to stay with someone. Things change; it happens. I'd argue it's potentially rather mature to just agree you're no longer moving in the same direction and to agree to try and amicably go your separate ways. Obviously that's ideal - that both people feel that way, but if I was in a long-term relationship with someone and they didn't want to continue I'd much rather they tell me than go through some type of extended charade and potentially cause so many other avoidable problems.

Anyway, I genuinely feel bad for those currently dealing with these things. I can only offer an ear (eye?) to what's happening.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 6:39 pm

Formix wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 4:56 pm At this risk of hijacking this thread, I am currently going through the same thing with my wife of 22 years.
Are there Sunspots? Pod people?
We have our first couples therapy session this week, but I am not very hopeful. Her language has made it very clear to me that she wants to not be married to me any longer. I remain hopeful that the therapy might change things while being despondent that anything will change the eventual outcome.

I am sorry to hear it.

Couples therapy can help! If you don't want to split up, throw yourself into learning what you can from it.

Madmarcus · Post by **Madmarcus** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 7:34 pm

I'm sorry to hear it.

Drop me a line if you want to play games locally. My brother is the one with the games so you might have to bring the game but I can provide an ear and/or some diversion.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 9:02 pm

Madmarcus wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 7:34 pm I'm sorry to hear it.

Drop me a line if you want to play games locally. My brother is the one with the games so you might have to bring the game but I can provide an ear and/or some diversion.

Thanks, man. I hope to take you up on this.

hitbyambulance · Post by **hitbyambulance** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:23 pm

i am wondering at the vast majority of wife-initiated divorce proceedings on this board - my guess is given what i know about the mindset here, i'd say a lot of guys got waaaay too comfortable in their supposedly permanent marriage and stopped working at it. all that mattered after a while was routine and stability, not a real relationship.

Lassr · Post by **Lassr** » Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:37 pm

hitbyambulance wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:23 pm i am wondering at the vast majority of wife-initiated divorce proceedings on this board - my guess is given what i know about the mindset here, i'd say a lot of guys got waaaay too comfortable in their supposedly permanent marriage and stopped working at it. all that mattered after a while was routine and stability, not a real relationship.

In my case...Bingo!

Unagi · Post by **Unagi** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 10:27 am

Holman wrote: Sun Feb 02, 2025 11:42 am Here's an update. It's not good news. I hate to post it.

Dang man, I hate to read it.

I'm rooting for you. I think you will do OK.

stimpy · Post by **stimpy** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 10:39 am

hitbyambulance wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:23 pm i am wondering at the vast majority of wife-initiated divorce proceedings on this board - my guess is given what i know about the mindset here, i'd say a lot of guys got waaaay too comfortable in their supposedly permanent marriage and stopped working at it. all that mattered after a while was routine and stability, not a real relationship.

If I had my way, I most certainly think I would fall into that category.
However, my wife refuses to let me. She keeps my on my toes and makes sure to always let me know when she sees me starting to lapse and I'm grateful for that.

Holman · Post by **Holman** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 12:34 pm

hitbyambulance wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:23 pm i am wondering at the vast majority of wife-initiated divorce proceedings on this board - my guess is given what i know about the mindset here, i'd say a lot of guys got waaaay too comfortable in their supposedly permanent marriage and stopped working at it. all that mattered after a while was routine and stability, not a real relationship.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Add a good dose of depression and voila.

Skinypupy · Post by **Skinypupy** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 4:42 pm

hitbyambulance wrote: Mon Feb 03, 2025 11:23 pm i am wondering at the vast majority of wife-initiated divorce proceedings on this board - my guess is given what i know about the mindset here, i'd say a lot of guys got waaaay too comfortable in their supposedly permanent marriage and stopped working at it. all that mattered after a while was routine and stability, not a real relationship.

I’ve had this thought as well. Have to admit that seeing others go through their situations has caused me to be very intentional about stepping up my game with Mrs Skinypupy.

Blackhawk · Post by **Blackhawk** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 6:14 pm

Honestly, my case (although not a divorce, as we never got remarried) was nearly the exact opposite. I was the one trying to maintain and improve the relationship, while she was the one that didn't bother. There was an incident that was a 'final straw' and led to me telling her to get out, but I worked my ass off to try and keep things going prior to that.

hitbyambulance · Post by **hitbyambulance** » Tue Feb 04, 2025 7:51 pm

Blackhawk wrote: Tue Feb 04, 2025 6:14 pm Honestly, my case (although not a divorce, as we never got remarried) was nearly the exact opposite. I was the one trying to maintain and improve the relationship, while she was the one that didn't bother. There was an incident that was a 'final straw' and led to me telling her to get out, but I worked my ass off to try and keep things going prior to that.

yours was one that was not part of the 'vast majority' when i wrote that