Getting a Divorce

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Holman
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Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

I wish I didn't have to write this.

Today my wife of 26 years told me that she wants to get divorced. She has been waiting for a month or so for the right time to tell me, and her mind has been made up for a while.

I am devastated but not shocked. It feels like my life has just been blown apart, but I'm not completely surprised. No one has cheated, no one has done harm to the other, but we've been growing apart for several years now. Our interests differ, and I'm so introverted that I'm capable of ignoring people for significant periods even when I'm married to them. My wife has expectations for married life, and I know I've not been meeting them.

We've had several seasons of couples counseling over the years, but we never solved things. We had a divorce scare about 18 months ago, but this is the real thing this time.

Still, this is horrible for me. I had envisioned a future with her, and now it's gone. I can't see anything at all now.

Our kids are 20 and 18. This will be tough news for them, but they're old enough to deal better than non-adults would. I actually expect that they'll tell me they saw it coming.

We're planning to go with a divorce mediator rather than dueling lawyers. The logistics will be tricky, and eventually I'll be moving out. My wife and our sons and my MIL will probably stay in this house until the boys both have places of their own in three or four years. We've already talked about how this arrangement obviously puts more of a financial burden on me than on her. That's what the mediator is for.

This has been my only marriage. All day long my head has been swinging between desperate terror and merely severe disappointment.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or what. I do ask that you not dump on my wife, whom I still consider one of the most admirable people I've ever known. We both failed this marriage, but I failed it more.
Last edited by Holman on Mon Jan 27, 2025 7:09 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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LordMortis
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by LordMortis »

:cry:
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Jaymann »

My ex cheated on me twice with two different guys, but it was eventually me who had to file for divorce. The kids lived with her (but their visits to me were like summer camp). It was uncontested and we mutually agreed on my child support payments until they both turned 18. Does not sound like that will be an issue for you.

It pays to stay amicable. My ex divorced her second husband. She lives far away, and now she acts like my best friend and texts me every day. Go figure.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Scuzz »

Don’t blame just yourself for the divorce.
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Unagi
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Unagi »

Oh man, my heart truly goes out to you, Holman.
We are all here for you - of course.

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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Hipolito »

I'm so sorry, Holman.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Isgrimnur »

I'm sorry to hear it. I hope the end result is the best for all involved.
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Holman
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

We're aiming for amicable divorce.

I love my kids and I love Rebecca, but I do truly understand that she has been unhappy in our marriage for a long time.

To put everything very bluntly, I would have been happy to continue for a few more decades in a "marriage as friends," but she feels that she would rather be living alone than settle for what feels like "passive rejection." (These are the terms we've arrived at.)

I believe I understand where she's coming from. I just didn't know how much it was hurting her.

[Please don't debate these terms. Hours of discussion have gone into them.]
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Smoove_B »

I'm terribly sorry to hear it. I truly hope you both can find an amicable path forward.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

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*starts taking notes*
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Blackhawk »

You're going about it the right way. I've had an amicable divorce from a woman who remains one of my closest friends 17 years later. I've also had an extremely hostile divorce from a woman who despises the air I breathe 30 years later.
Holman wrote: Sat Sep 07, 2024 5:39 pm
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice, or what.
If you were, mine would be: For today, do today. Tomorrow? Do tomorrow. Continue like that for a while, and with time you will become a new person, and find new opportunities that you haven't had in so long that you forgot about them. But it's a traumatic loss, in many ways similar to a death. It takes time, and you need to let yourself mourn.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by El Guapo »

I'm sorry to hear that. For what it's worth I've known a number of people who have come out happier within a few years of divorce, although that doesn't make it any easier now.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by msduncan »

So sorry to hear this Holman. I just went through this nightmare myself the last two years. Wife cheated. I caught her. She stayed with him but we limped along still married for a couple years before she finally filed and left for good. We sat down and worked out the divorce ourselves and had a lawyer draw it up.

Here is what I can tell you: I'm 50. I was terrified of my future since I'd built my whole life and retirement plans around her. I couldn't envision a future without her. A few weeks before the divorce was final, I got on the dating apps. I met a pretty, intelligent woman that's 11 years younger than me and we've been together now 6 months. There was and is life after the divorce and she showed that to me immediately. It sucks.... bad. But it does get better. I promise.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by RunningMn9 »

Just a couple of thoughts:

1) Like everyone else, I am terribly sorry to hear this, and feel bad for all involved.

2) You seem very prepared for negative pushback. Nothing in your words would lead to negative commentary on your wife. She’s unhappy. You guys have tried to figure it out. She’s still unhappy, and you seem very self-aware about it even though that hasn’t help avoid this.

These are the real ingredients of an amicable split. There’s been no betrayal. Amicable doesn’t mean no one will be sad. Of course you will both be said. You just can’t be what each other needs going forward.

Your terminology is your terminology. The idea that anyone would argue with you about it would blow my mind. You are the only one here with the history and the details. Use whatever terms make sense to you.

The only thing I can say is that a harsh reality of this world is that we only get to experience it once. We deserve to try to be happy with our time here. Your wife deserves that too, and has tried to go about this in the right way.

It just sucks for everyone involved.
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Holman
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

It's very difficult. I'm not sure that I'll sleep tonight.
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Holman
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

Like a lot of guys, I'm more of a sulker than a crier. But I was sitting on the floor with my dog when for whatever reason he starting whimpering (probably because of a squirrel outside the window or whatever), and I just suddenly starting uncontrollably bawling. I literally soaked my shirt.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Kraken »

Wish I had words of comfort or advice. I don’t. Sounds like you won't turn into one of those couples determined to destroy one another, so it could be worse.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

Kraken wrote: Sat Sep 07, 2024 8:49 pm Wish I had words of comfort or advice. I don’t. Sounds like you won't turn into one of those couples determined to destroy one another, so it could be worse.
Thanks. No, we don't want to hurt each other.

I'm looking at my lifetime relationship history and seeing again that I am the perfect Ex. With one exception (the girl who took my virginity and then moved away), I am still friends with all of my former lovers. Almost all of them have met each other.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Skinypupy »

I’m so sorry Holman. Can’t even imagine how difficult that must be.

We’re 26 years in as well. Good reminder to not take things for granted.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by hepcat »

Holman wrote: Sat Sep 07, 2024 7:03 pm We're aiming for amicable divorce.
I’m sorry to hear about your divorce, but I’m heartened to read this.

My parents had what I consider one of the worst, most acrimonious divorces you can imagine. My father tried to talk with her, sometimes angrily though. This resulted in numerous police calls/visits, and eventually a restraining order. Which my father promptly broke.

An 11 year old hearing a police officer order their father to hand over his belt before booking because they don’t want him hanging himself (why they felt the need to tell my father this when they asked for it, seeing that there were kids present, is beyond me still) has stayed with me my entire life.

I’ve come close to marriage twice in my life, but both times I remembered how awful my parents’ divorce was and I would pack up and leave.

I know your kids are mostly grown, but it can still affect them if things get nasty. Even at that age. So keeping it civil, while potentially difficult at times, is best for everyone.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Alefroth »

:(
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by gbasden »

I'm terribly sorry, Holman, and for your breakup as well, MSD. I'm glad that you are finding happiness again!

Let yourself grieve. You are experiencing a huge loss, even if it's amicable. There is nothing wrong with holding your dog and crying. I think most of us have been there, and I'm sure we all would be happy to talk if it would help.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by msteelers »

I’m so sorry Holman.

FWIW, I had a divorce lawyer that was a client at my previous company, and they specialized in amicable divorces like this with the goal being to find a way to set both parties up for the best future possible rather than fight to get the most. The term they used for this was collaborative divorce, if you wanted to do some research or find a similar lawyer in your area.

If you’re in FL I can pm you this lawyers name. He also has some videos and articles I can send you if you’d like.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Madmarcus »

I've only met you once in person but I'm here if you need someone to listen or just to get away for a bit.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

Well, it has been 24 hours and my wife and I have done a lot of talking. (And not much sleeping.)

I'm happy to say that plans for imminent divorce are on hold. We both want this relationship to work, and we genuinely love each other.

But we have changes to make. For my part, it comes down to the simple-but-monumental task of not taking my wife for granted.

I don't have it in me right now to write a lot, but we can see a future together again. It'll just take work.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Unagi »

However it ends up - we're all with you (and her) on this.

It sounds very much like there are just two people trying to find the correct path forward and that's not a bad thing.

Terrifying, and very heavy - but not bad.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

Unagi wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 9:32 am However it ends up - we're all with you (and her) on this.

It sounds very much like there are just two people trying to find the correct path forward and that's not a bad thing.

Terrifying, and very heavy - but not bad.
Yes, all this.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Madmarcus »

Unagi wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 9:32 am However it ends up - we're all with you (and her) on this.
Very much this.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by JCC »

My condolences. Like 42% of marriages in the US, mine also came to an end in 2019-20. It's a sad, depressing thing to go through, and mine was about as easy and amicable as it could be. Thankfully for me, my ex knew that she was the primary spender and I was the primary earner in our life. She immediately told me she didn't think she was entitled to any of my money. We sold our house and split it 50/50 and moved on. I still talk to her some, and I wish her well.

Still, as I said it's never easy or painless. Hang in there.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Kurth »

Holman wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 9:11 am Well, it has been 24 hours and my wife and I have done a lot of talking. (And not much sleeping.)

I'm happy to say that plans for imminent divorce are on hold. We both want this relationship to work, and we genuinely love each other.

But we have changes to make. For my part, it comes down to the simple-but-monumental task of not taking my wife for granted.

I don't have it in me right now to write a lot, but we can see a future together again. It'll just take work.
This thread has really taken a positive turn! Holman, I really hope things work out for you and your wife. Whether that means staying in the marriage or ending it, I hope you’re both happy in the end. Life’s too short to not enjoy it.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Scuzz »

Holman wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 9:11 am Well, it has been 24 hours and my wife and I have done a lot of talking. (And not much sleeping.)

I'm happy to say that plans for imminent divorce are on hold. We both want this relationship to work, and we genuinely love each other.

But we have changes to make. For my part, it comes down to the simple-but-monumental task of not taking my wife for granted.

I don't have it in me right now to write a lot, but we can see a future together again. It'll just take work.
Glad to hear it. 😀
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by em2nought »

I'm pretty sure i'd be so bad at marriage that I never even came close to starting one. Best of luck at working it all out.
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Re: Getting a Divorce

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Holman wrote: Sat Sep 07, 2024 5:39 pm Our interests differ, and I'm so introverted that I'm capable of ignoring people for significant periods even when I'm married to them. My wife has expectations for married life, and I know I've not been meeting them.
you have a lifetime of habits and straight-up inertia to overcome here - attempting to do so may be the biggest challenge you've yet taken on. hope you are up for that - it's all things you have to continually concentrate on until they become new habits (however long THAT takes)
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Re: Getting a Divorce

Post by Holman »

hitbyambulance wrote: Sun Sep 08, 2024 2:40 pm
Holman wrote: Sat Sep 07, 2024 5:39 pm Our interests differ, and I'm so introverted that I'm capable of ignoring people for significant periods even when I'm married to them. My wife has expectations for married life, and I know I've not been meeting them.
you have a lifetime of habits and straight-up inertia to overcome here - attempting to do so may be the biggest challenge you've yet taken on. hope you are up for that - it's all things you have to continually concentrate on until they become new habits (however long THAT takes)
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Re: Getting a Divorce

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<edit> Awesome!
Last edited by Default on Thu Sep 12, 2024 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: [Not] Getting a Divorce

Post by Hrothgar »

I'm sorry and congratulations?

Unfortunately, I've had to walk with some friends through this. Some marriages have been saved. Some haven't. I've learned that you can't save a marriage unless both people want to and are willing to work at it. It sounds like you've been to the brink before. I'd suggest that you treat this opportunity as your last possible chance and put everything you have in it. Couples counselling is excellent and can help identify core issues. I'd also recommend individual counselling. Our wounds from our past can continue messing up our relationships until we deal with them. It might help you find out why you didn't make the necessary changes after the last crisis.

You have a vision where you both want to go. You love each other. That can help you get there, but it doesn't eliminate any of the hard work between here and there. Pick her up when she's struggling on the path and ask her to do the same. I wish the best for both of you.
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Re: [Not] Getting a Divorce

Post by Jaymann »

Great news! Hope it works out.
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Re: [Not] Getting a Divorce

Post by hitbyambulance »

Hrothgar wrote: Tue Sep 10, 2024 4:34 pm I'd also recommend individual counseling.
+1
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Re: [Not] Getting a Divorce

Post by Daehawk »

Well make up your mind :D
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Re: [Not] Getting a Divorce

Post by Jeff V »

It's going to take work, Holman. I went through this about a year ago, and it's still like the sword of Damocles is hanging over everything. My wife is somewhat capable of reason 95% of the time, but that other 5%, she's wielding a flame thrower and doesn't care how many bridges she burns down. I put myself into a situation where I'm totally fucked without her (future fully vested in her) so I need to bend over backwards to appease her and sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough.
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