How are you staying sane in 2020? (Now with bonus 2021 sanity!) (Is it 2022 already?)

[Kraken]

I sort of remember being semi-normal before 2016, but not since then. Last summer, I felt optimistic for a few months when we got vaccinated and covid seemed to be in retreat and the political news seemed hopeful. That didn't last, obviously. Everything feels like it's going to hell again.

I cope by following a rigid routine that involves leaving the house as infrequently as possible and working a lot. A few months ago, I managed to regain enough focus to play old PC games (Civ 6 and GalCiv3) again, after giving up on gaming for over a year due to inability to concentrate, so that helps to quiet my mind and pass the hours. Beer and weed help, too.

My cooking skills have leveled up a little, and in order to expand our takeout options I've learned to like some types of Asian food after lifelong resistance, so that's positive. I Zoom with my oldest and dearest friends once every 5-6 weeks, so I have some vestigial social interaction. That's good, too. If I do still pass as sane, that's how I pull it off.

[Madmarcus]

I focus on the things I can control and realistically influence in my life. I do what I can to be on the right side of the huge issues like pandemic response, politics, societal disfunction, and climate change but I remind myself that they are issues that will not be solved by me even if I pour all of my energy into them. In the end I am probably too tolerant. Too selfishly focused on my life and the lives of those near me (physically and emotionally). But it keeps the raging, unhappy stress at bay.

[Trent Steel]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

[Isgrimnur]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

Sorry to hear it, Trent. Hopefully it works out for everyone the best it can.

[Kraken]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

Sorry to hear it, Trent. Hopefully it works out for everyone the best it can.

+1. Somehow Wife and I have refrained from killing one another in two years of confinement, but it's been...confining. I look forward to a time when she can start going out with her coven again.

I forgot to mention that we brought home a new kitten for xmas. Bowie is a source of constant delight.

[TheMix]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

Sorry to hear it, Trent. Hopefully it works out for everyone the best it can.

I'll second Issie.

[Trent Steel]

Thanks everyone. I typically don’t like to express my personal troubles, but saw the thread title and thought… why not?

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone. However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

[Blackhawk]

However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

Actually, he ran.

Seriously, though. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[Jeff V]

Sanity is becoming a distant memory. And I'm becoming too senile to recall any memories whatsoever.

[Blackhawk]

So, anybody else turning into a raging, frothing, angry mass of unhappy stress?

I've realized that something has to give, somewhere. I don't know what, but I can't keep going the way I am. I'm starting to hate the way I feel these days, and it needs to stop. I'm becoming a person that even I don't like.

That isn't a dire warning of anything, just an acknowledgement that I need to find a way to change my trajectory.

[Madmarcus]

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone.

I hope so for both your sakes.

I feel very lucky that while we bug each other at times we are both still happy together.

[Jeff V]

That isn't a dire warning of anything, just an acknowledgement that I need to find a way to change my trajectory.

In my case, a job will help. Wife is getting very home sick -- while we took measures to eliminate our debt allowing us to make do on her salary, we don't exactly discretionary money to spend. Already she's made plans for us to visit the rat in June, now she wants to take the kids to the Philippines the moment we get back. She doesn't have enough vacation cover both, so we're looking at at least a week with no income. The calculus becomes worse if I actually go. But I have an interview tomorrow (was supposed to be today), so the chance is greater than zero I won't be able to go but be making productive income. It was all I could do today to keep her from pulling the trigger and buying the tickets regardless. Oh, and to make it possible, tomorrow (daughter) and next Saturday (son) is appointments at the post office to get their passports.

[LordMortis]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

That's not the first post I want to see from you in forever. So very sad for you and yours.

[Lassr]

Thanks everyone. I typically don’t like to express my personal troubles, but saw the thread title and thought… why not?

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone. However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

Sorry to hear that. I went through that last year.

[LawBeefaroni]

Thanks everyone. I typically don’t like to express my personal troubles, but saw the thread title and thought… why not?

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone. However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

I've had a few friends get divorced over the last few years. Seeing how much it improved their lives (and their spouses'), I've stopped offering condolences and just offer best of luck and an open invite for a sit down with some nice whiskey and/or Wagyu jerky.

[Blackhawk]

Thanks everyone. I typically don’t like to express my personal troubles, but saw the thread title and thought… why not?

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone. However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

I've had a few friends get divorced over the last few years. Seeing how much it improved their lives (and their spouses'), I've stopped offering condolences and just offer best of luck and an open invite for a sit down with some nice whiskey and/or Wagyu jerky.

That's a great view. I've been divorced twice. Both times everybody involved ended up benefiting. The idea that a divorce is comparable to a death may be outdated.

[Trent Steel]

Thanks everyone. I typically don’t like to express my personal troubles, but saw the thread title and thought… why not?

Yes, in the end this will be better for everyone. However, right now I feel like Indiana Jones trying to escape from the cave at the beginning of RotLA.

Baby steps.

I've had a few friends get divorced over the last few years. Seeing how much it improved their lives (and their spouses'), I've stopped offering condolences and just offer best of luck and an open invite for a sit down with some nice whiskey and/or Wagyu jerky.

That's a great view. I've been divorced twice. Both times everybody involved ended up benefiting. The idea that a divorce is comparable to a death may be outdated.

That’s how I’m trying to look at it. Even my kids are thankful that we’re getting divorced at this point. Just a matter of slogging through the legal and financial hurdles.

This too shall pass.

[Isgrimnur]

Do no harm but take no shit.

[Trent Steel]

Do no harm but take no shit.

Unfortunately this is difficult in NJ where everything is treated as “no fault”. Absurdity knows no bounds.

[Skinypupy]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

Damn, sorry to her that Trent.

+1 to what everyone else has said, hoping it works out for the best for you.

[Trent Steel]

Me?

I’m getting divorced.

Damn, sorry to her that Trent.

+1 to what everyone else has said, hoping it works out for the best for you.

Appreciated.

[Little Raven]

I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best and you ultimately find yourself in a better place, Trent, but I'm still going to offer consolations. Even if the result is great, I suspect the process is going to suck. Hang in there.

[Blackhawk]

This is as good of a place for this as anything.

Life has been getting teejus lately.

I was so looking forward to the last of the kids getting out of school so that I could put parenting behind me, but that went a little sideways. First off, it's becoming more and more clear that our eldest, whom I have discussed has noticeable autism, anxiety, and depression, won't be ready to not be parented for a number of years yet, if ever. My youngest is solidly in 'failed to launch' territory. He's been out of school for six months now, and we still can't get him to get a job, and it's becoming a problem.

At the same time, I don't really have a schedule anymore. No getting up and taking the kids to school every day, no making that 50-mile round trip to pick them up every day. This has freed me to... stand here and try to figure out what the hell to do. What I'm doing is very similar to retiring, given that I have been a full-time, 24/7 parent for the last 21 years (and for several years prior to that with a break in between, so roughly 24 out of the 28 years of my 'adulthood.') Having that end is lot like retirement, with some of the same challenges. What I'm going through, much like traditionally retired people, is suddenly having all of that free time without the external purpose. That leads to a sense of being lost, and it leads (in many cases, including mine) to depression. And yeah, the solution is to find your own purpose, and I'm working on that.

On top of that, the last couple of years, thanks to a combination of factors, have been really short financially. Michelle had a couple of periods of unemployment when we suddenly had nothing but my disability income for four people, requiring us to put more than half of our expenses on the credit card, and leaving us ~$12,000 in debt. Then add in the COVID-era inflation, the fact that when my youngest graduated six months ago, we lost several hundred dollars per month in disability (short version, he got a benefit from me being disabled as well, which disappeared when he graduated. $300 out of a grand total of $1400 per month is a pretty big hit. We've been working on this, and we may even have a plan to get rid of that debt once and for all. Time will tell.

{Previously on Blackhawk} Michelle and I got together in '95, and were married in '99. As you may recall, we got divorced back in 2007, which was a great thing for both of us (it finally allowed me to discover myself and grow up a bit.) In 2017, after ten years apart, we got back together. We took it slow, and there were certain expectations I had for her, stemming from some bad behavior toward the end of our previous relationship, lines that could not be crossed. Nothing controlling, and anybody who knew the whole story would call it perfectly reasonable. While I can't read people worth a damn, I can analyze patterns and behavior like you wouldn't believe. Well, a year or so ago, she started toeing those lines. I found out, of course, and confronted her with it, and warned her that I wasn't willing to be in a relationship like that. I spelled out what was wrong, and she agreed completely. Then a few months ago, she crossed one of them in a big way. I found out within a day, and when she got home, I ended the relationship.

It was the smart move, and the move I'd make again, every time (as would any reasonable person in the same circumstances.) And to be honest, I was ready. We're still great friends, but things have been pretty strained over the past year, relationship-wise. It was a huge source of stress for both of us, and we both get along better now.

But that doesn't mean it was without its impacts. I'm just a few months from 50, disabled with fairly significant social anxiety as the primary diagnosis, plus I have all of the other bits on top of that - depression, autism. I'm poor, and unable to improve my position much (you can't get a promotion or a raise from 'disabled.') I don't have any family left save for my kids, and all but one of my real-life friends have either burned bridges or moved away. That leaves me pretty much isolated - COVID lockdown isolation was just the norm for me. And living in such a small town, populated almost entirely with people that think a liberal atheist is the worst thing since Hitler, that's hard to change. And with the end of the relationship, that one remaining connection in my life is gone, and it is unlikely I'll have another relationship. No, nothing is impossible, but it's a lot harder for me than it is for most (significantly so), and I'm not sure I want another relationship. They're pretty seriously exhausting for me. But it also means that when she eventually does move out, and when my kids eventually move on, it's possible that I will be completely alone as I grow old - which scares the hell out of me without family or resources to fall back on.

It also means that when she does move out, my income will drop so far that I'll likely be struggling to maintain a subsistence income. If it happened right now, I'd be trying to live on $1100 per month. I could do it - but cutting every service, every luxury, getting rid of the car, dropping to minimal utilities (free levels on internet, emergency-only phone, no streaming, no entertainments.) It's not a terribly hopeful outlook as I wonder what my old age is going to be like.

It also ends my hopes of being able to leave Indiana, which was our plan over the next few years, as we stabilized things financially and the kids and her mom no longer needed us to stay here. We even had rough locations picked out. Not only are my resources so slim on my own that I couldn't afford the move, I wouldn't be able to afford to live much of anywhere else - getting by on what I have requires the low cost of living that I have here.

And for the first time in a lot of years, I'm starting to lose ground to my depression, something I've kept under control for years. I'm planning on trying to get back into the one-and-only place around here that offers therapy, but it's consistently awful, with most therapists there having a six-month turnover rate. In the decade 12 years I used their services, I had exactly one therapist there that made a difference. Several didn't even know how to approach an adult with autism. The last therapist I saw? She ended my individual sessions and put me into group therapy in a group for women with borderline personality disorder because she didn't know what to do with me. And they typically have only one person on staff who handles Medicare patients, so I don't get to shop around. But it is there, and it is a possibility, and so I will try.

And yeah, there are ways out of some of this. There are options, there are agencies, and I'm looking at those things, as I always have. I know rationally that there are still options, and that things could turn out great. But emotionally? It's hard to actually feel that hope, and I can't help but thinking that this is the high point for the rest of my life. But yes, I know that's the depression talking. I've learned to recognize it's voice, and I've learned to stop listening. For now, I'm trying to indulge in an obsession or two to take my mind off of things (not easy without money to work with, but I'm doing what I can.) That will keep my mind busy in the short term, and keep me from dwelling on the negatives (IE - it drowns out the voice of depression.) I know from experience that if I get through the next year, get used to the new reality, that things will seem more hopeful.

[Kraken]

Well, that all sounds pretty grim. I wish I had advice. I'll just remind you that you're one of the most resilient people I know. And you have running water!

The youngest kid, the one who failed to launch...is he capable of working? Because if so, that's the only potential lifeline that stands out in your post. Not that I have parenting advice...that's just my impression from 40,000 feet.

[gbasden]

This is as good of a place for this as anything.

Life has been getting teejus lately.

I'm really sorry. You keep getting hit with way more than your share of the universe shitting on you. I wish there was something I could do to really help! As someone with an autistic son I have some clue of those stressors. You are extremely analytical, so I know there's no solutions I can think of that you haven't thought about already, but I'll be thinking of you, and if you can think of a plan I'm certainly willing to help. I respect you a lot, and I'm always willing to talk if you need to vent.

[Blackhawk]

This is more 'unloading on friends' than looking for a solution, but thank you.

[gbasden]

This is more 'unloading on friends' than looking for a solution, but thank you.

I figured as much, but at my heart I'm an engineer and looking for ways to fix things is in my DNA.

[Daehawk]

Shocking how much a mirror image you seem of me and my life in lots of ways and different in others. But Im looking forward to a change in a few years where you are just getting to where Ive been for a few years. Really sorry to hear it man. Hope it will not be like you think and somehow improves.

[Blackhawk]

Shocking how much a mirror image you seem of me and my life in lots of ways and different in others. But Im looking forward to a change in a few years where you are just getting to where Ive been for a few years. Really sorry to hear it man. Hope it will not be like you think and somehow improves.

The combination of long term disability, isolation, and poverty creates a lot of parallels, even in people who aren't that alike. Our ways of handling it are night and day, but we likely have insights into each other's situation that people who have never been here lack.

[Madmarcus]

This is more 'unloading on friends' than looking for a solution, but thank you.

I wish there was a way to help you other than listening but feel free to unload any time you need to. You are carrying a lot.

[Smoove_B]

Sorry to hear it all. I had no idea things were so difficult for you; I hope you get a break and things change course.

[Anonymous Bosch]

I'm just a few months from 50, disabled with fairly significant social anxiety as the primary diagnosis, plus I have all of the other bits on top of that - depression, autism. I'm poor, and unable to improve my position much (you can't get a promotion or a raise from 'disabled.') I don't have any family left save for my kids, and all but one of my real-life friends have either burned bridges or moved away. That leaves me pretty much isolated - COVID lockdown isolation was just the norm for me. And living in such a small town, populated almost entirely with people that think a liberal atheist is the worst thing since Hitler, that's hard to change. And with the end of the relationship, that one remaining connection in my life is gone, and it is unlikely I'll have another relationship. No, nothing is impossible, but it's a lot harder for me than it is for most (significantly so), and I'm not sure I want another relationship. They're pretty seriously exhausting for me. But it also means that when she eventually does move out, and when my kids eventually move on, it's possible that I will be completely alone as I grow old - which scares the hell out of me without family or resources to fall back on.

Just an observation, but this brings to mind something I vaguely recall reading elsewhere (it may have been in the Robert Putnam book Bowling Alone, but I could be mistaken). It mentioned a scientific study, in which brain scans were taken of lonely people and compared with socially-connected people. It was apparent that lonely people would spot potential threats rapidly, while it took socially-connected people twice as long to notice the same threat. What was happening?

Protracted loneliness causes you to shut down socially, and to be more suspicious of any social contact. You become hypervigilant. You start to be more likely to take offense where none was intended, and to be afraid of strangers. You start to be afraid of the very thing you need most. In other words, you create a self-fulfilling snowball effect, as disconnection spirals into more disconnection.

Lonely people are scanning for threats because they unconsciously know that nobody is looking out for them, so no one will help them if they are hurt. That snowball effect can be reversed. But to help a depressed or severely anxious person out of it, they need more love, and more reassurance, than they would have needed in the first place. The tragedy is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love, as they become harder to be around. Indeed, they receive judgment, and criticism, which only further accelerates and exacerbates their retreat from the world. They snowball into an ever colder place.

The point being, the notion of being completely alone as you grow old absolutely should terrify the hell out of you. Human beings first evolved on the savannas of Africa, where we lived in small hunter-gatherer tribes of a few hundred people or less. You and I exist for one reason--because those humans figured out how to cooperate. They shared their food. They looked after the sick. They were able to take down large and fearsome beasts, but only because they were working together. They only made sense as a group. Now imagine if, on those savannas, you became separated from the group and were alone for a protracted period of time. It meant you were in terrible danger. You were vulnerable to predators, if you got sick nobody would be there to nurse you, and the rest of the tribe was more vulnerable without you, too. You would be right to feel terrible. It was an urgent signal from your body and brain to get back to the group, any damn way you could. So every human instinct is evolved and honed not for life on your own, but for life like this, in a tribe. Humans need tribes as much as bees need a hive.

So, as challenging as it may be for you to do so with your disabilities, try to focus on finding a communal activity that you enjoy, restarting an old hobby, or perhaps taking an in-person class to learn something new. Because chances are you will have fun, meet others, and develop friendships in the process with people that share similar interests. Hopefully you'll also come to realise that even in a small town, most people realistically don't give a crap whether you're a liberal atheist if you share a common interest and can resist the impulse to scold others over the wrongitude of their political and religious preferences. After all, tolerance only for those who agree with you is no tolerance at all.

[Isgrimnur]

Looking back, I was so bullied when outside the home that it took me a long time to be able to accept a compliment without expecting that someone was setting me up for a joke at my expense.

[Blackhawk]

Looking back, I was so bullied when outside the home that it took me a long time to be able to accept a compliment without expecting that someone was setting me up for a joke at my expense.

I still tend to suspicious of compliments, gifts, and promises, and get very, very uncomfortable when someone asks about my likes and dislikes.

The reason is much the same.

[dbt1949]

Looking back I was raised to be a loner. Being an only child, given more freedoms than my friends, parents that didn't show affection, etc.